i Blog Better Than Your Mom

Earthquake?!?!?!

2009-05-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry world, I was bangin Heidi Klum again and seemed to have made Southern California move. No need to worry, she's ok.

It's funny how when an earthquake hits Southern California, everyone tends to freak out. Now the rest of the news headlines for the week are going to be "Earthquake Tips for the Home (Are You Prepared?)" "Minor Earthquakes-Sign of the "Big One"? (Are You Prepared?)" or anything else with (Are You Prepared) in it. The good thing about California are that earthquakes are quite frequent as of lately. That means big savings for us. How's that? Well with earthquakes, it's a ride in itself so you wouldn't have to pay for Disneyland of Knotts Berry Farm to get on a Roller Coaster. I think the only time I would ever want an earthquake to hit is when I'm making sweet passionate love to someone. Then as things are being knocked off of the cabinets and dressers, she'd think it was me and not the Earth's plate moving an inch or so.

Oh earthquakes, you sure are something...

UPDATE: ABC 7 is reporting that the 5.0 quake was centered in Inglewood. Correction ABC 7, it was actually center in my bed!! NAILED IT!

He's just not that into you...

2009-05-16T00:47:00.001-07:00

Alright...it's like 12:30 and I just came back from a double date. I'm
just gonna go out and say this...please no one ever set me up on blind
dates or ask me a favor to go on a double date with you because after
tonight, if I don't know the girl I won't go on the date. So after
about two weeks of me talking about how I kinda miss dating, my buddy
Ryan asked me for a favor. No, it wasn't to take him on a date
(although I'm gonna have to question his sexuality after seeing him
wear that Affliction shirt and answering "yes" as to how cool Ed Hardy
designs are.). Apparently this chick he wants to date aka get jiggy
with (are people still saying that?) won't go on a solo date until she
does a double date first. Here's where I come in. So lucky me and
thanks to my big mouth and him persuading me that "it's ok her friend
is hot", I decided to go. So as him and I drive to go pick them up, he
starts telling me his gameplan. In case you don't know guys, our
gameplan is usually get you drunk then see where it goes. 80% it's
nowhere unless your name is Dave Sanchez. So then here's the
kicker...he starts telling me that I have to help him look good by
affirming the lies he told her. Those lies consist of his
volunteering for the elderly, him knowing people in the music
industry, and how he wrestled a bear once. So we meet the girls at
this restaurant and I'm introduced to them. Now my "date" for this
evening was actually extremely pretty. That's a first for a blind
date. I start to think to myself "Hey this ain't so bad" until I over
hear this chick say "Oh I love Heidi and Spencer. They are so cute and
talented". Strike one. In case you didn't get it, she's talking about
that douchey couple from the hills. That guy has a flesh colored
beard...what's so good looking about that? So we talk a little bit and
it turns out the girl Ryan is seeing is big on nature, helping old
people, and is trying to become a singer. Who isn't nowadays? I guess
that's when he motioned me to tell this courageous tale about how he
wrestled a bear to save a campsite of Cub Scouts. So like any good
wingman I sold it. So after this chick starts eating it up, he tells
my date how I'm a stand up comic. This girl starts screeching loudly
about how she loves funny guys then starts asking how much I make from
stand up. So I just kind of say I do ok and she cuts me off asking me
what car I drive. That's when it hit me, this chick is a gold digger.
I tell her I drive a G6 and her face erupted with a luminous smile,
kind of like that time I rocked Heidi Klum's world back at Cabo '94.
She asks "since you drive a foreign car, is the steering wheel on the
other side". I look at Ryan kind of perplexed and I inform her that
its a Pontaic and not a foreign car. There goes the smile. So after a
long dinner full of celebrity gossip and how Rodeo Dr. is getting
swamped with tourists, I start thinking of a plan to McGuiver my way
out of the date. I excuse myself from the table to try and text
friends for an excuse then all of a sudden I hear "Who are you
texting.". I turn around...and its gold digger McGee. I tell her im
checking the scores of the baseball games and she just starts rambling
on about how much she hates baseball and sports. So we both head back
to the table and shes still rambling on about what she hates which
include the homeless, guys who dont pay, and hard cupcakes from
Spinkles. So she starts telling how hard this cupcake was and I look
at Ryan and I say "thats what she said" and this girl has no idea what
Im talking about. We try to explain the joke but she still doesn't get
it. After the Millionth time of explaining it, she tells us she
doesn't get video games either and particularly Rock Band. I'll spare
you the trouble of the rest of the ranting.

You're probably wondering what happened after. Well apparently she
really "likes me" and is a good listener. She wrote down her number,
but I proceeded to toss it out on the 10 Freeway. I don't care how hot
you are or how long it's been since I laid the love down on Ms. Klum,
I'm not gonna settle for someone with no personality nor someone who
doesn't get "Thats what she said". As for now, i got a free meal out
of Ryan so that favor is dead and gone ha. Time to practice waking up
at 3:33 again.

-Ricky
Sent from my iPhone

Life update and Angel Stadium Review!!!

2009-04-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

Hey there everyone! So I'm knee deep in work dealing with a few projects under my belt. First one is The Letter Writing Project. I'm still busy writing strangers letters from all over the world and it's good to hear back from those of you who wrote back. Don't know how many of the people I write actually check my blog or found me through Twitter or Myspace, but it's just good to hear a good response.

Second, I'm in the middle of making a band. It's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be ha, but I'm just having fun with it. Still looking for a singer a more members but it'll come when it comes. Here's the link to check out the site. I'm calling it Send Out The Search Party

Finally, I wrote a review for EventChaser. It's a site sponsored by Razor Gator.com where you can purchase Los Angeles Angels tickets. Needless to say, I LOVE the site. Here's where my review of Angel Stadium is at! Be sure to leave some comments and hey, even start an EventChaser account as well. Thanks for the support and write some funny stuff later. I'm working on some videos.
-Ricky

The Letter Writing Project- Week 2

2009-04-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

Holy crapzilla this thing is blowing up like my mom's cooking. Well I got a TON of AMAZING response from people wanting to do participate in The Letter Writing Project. For the meantime, the new HQ of the ordeal will be at Myspace.com/TheLetterWritingProject. If you don't have a Myspace, go to the site anyways because I'm leaving it on Public view. Also, e-mail me at TheLetterWritingProject@gmail.com in pertaining to anything involving this cause. It's pretty gnarly that in one week alone, I've been getting a grip of e-mails.

Also, I want to just thank PassionforLetters.com, MissiveMaven.blogspot.com, and PostMuse. From you three I have gotten a few responses from your fellow bloggers and it's great to know that there are people out there still letter writing. Hopefully I can get the younger crowds to continue this whole thing.

That's it for now since I have to do a lot more stuff with this project. The more letters I send, the better this Project will get! Spread the word!

-Ricky

The Letter Writing Project- Day 1

2009-04-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

What it do everyone? So I’ve been mumbling over this project that I have wanted to do for quite some time now. Plus, it’ll keep me busy while I have writers block on writing. Basically, I want to bring back letter writing.
Every year, there’s only one day that I actually get something hand written. As you can guess, it’s on my birthday. Although it’s not a thoroughly written letter, just having someone take the time to write something is pretty awesome. The only items we ever get in the mail now a days are bills, advertisements, and if you subscribe to this, Playboy. We hardly get postcards sent to us from our friends on vacations or even just from a family member writing a “Hey how are you? Johnny is in jail again and Mary Sue is pregnant at 18…again.” type of letter. It’s always done through e-mail, a text, or a picture message of Johnny being detained by the police. Well, I plan to bring back letter writing. Although I don’t have the greatest of penmanship or draw cute little hearts above my i’s, I want to start writing letters like the good ol days. Granted I was born in ’86 and the internet was hashed out by the time I was smart enough to Google boobs, I want to get this done.
So how am I going to do this? Well, I have no idea. I’ll probably just start promoting something on Twitter, Myspace, and the 18 friends I have on Facebook because I still don’t know how to look up people. Like all my other “ideas” I’m sure this one will fade out. Who knows though. It’s not like I’m setting up the World’s Largest Dodge ball game again or trying to start an indoor soccer team (both of those items are epic FAIL’s on my end) so maybe I can actually get random people who want me, some stranger and non-celebrity, to write them a letter. So if you want me to write you a letter email me at iBlogBetterThanYourMom@gmail.com with your name, address (or P.O. Box) and I will be sure to write you a random letter. It doesn't matter whether you live down the street from me, in the state of California, up in the boonies of Kentucky (I'm looking at your direction Andrew) or even in another country. I will write you a letter. If I’m rich enough, I’ll buy you return stamps so you can write back to me. I’m just a guy who wants to bring back the thrill of expecting a letter (other than a collection notice) in the mail again. I’ll be seeing you around everyone. Please if you can, pass on this site and the Letter Writing Project. Also if you can, write your friends letters. It'll make their day.
-Ricky

Best Site Ever. Check it out.

2009-04-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone what is going on? Well finally after being a blogger and getting myself out there, I have finally been given a pretty sweet opportunity. As you know, I go out constantly to places all over California whether it is concerts, sporting events, or just new places. Thanks to this new site called EventChaser.com, they are giving me the opportunity to do two things I love. Those are going to new places and to be able to share my experience with everyone else.
Event Chaser is a blogging site sponsored by RazorGator.com where bloggers are given free or discounted tickets for different events and blog about the venues and nearby places to check out. Razor Gator is an online ticketing agency similar to Ticketmaster or LiveNation but only better. Not only do they have tickets for concerts and sporting events, they even have tickets to special event such as the upcoming Bamboozle Left and Theater Tickets.
When you get the chance, go click on the orange banner on the side of this blog. It will link you over to EventChaser.com where you can check the site out for yourself. Also, be sure to check out RazorGator.com as well the next time you want to purchase some tickets for the next sporting event, concert, or theater performance. For my first post on their site, I'll hopefully be going to the Angels vs Padres game this Saturday on the 4th. I'm stoked to work further with Event Chaser. See you around!
-Ricky

Side Note- Thanks for checking out my friend Anna's blog. I know most of you have sent me e-mails or already started going over there and leaving comments. So keep on giving her support at From London With Love. Thanks everyone.

Another Fine Morning...

2009-03-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

Disappointment. That’s what I woke up with this morning. Earlier this morning while I arose to some tunes on my iPhone, I started freaking out. Not because I awoke to a tranny again but because I could see. When I mean see, I mean I had perfect vision without my glasses. I was jumping up and throwing my fists in the air like I just nailed Heidi Klum and had the biggest smile on my face. As I was running around outside trying to look at this new world with my 20/20 vision, my right eye started to get blurry. I started yelling “No no no no” then the left one was blurry again. I started screaming like Arnold in Total Recall with a bloodcurdling “NOOOOOOOOO!!” Needless to say I was devastated when I couldn’t see anything anymore. Then, my little dog Charlie walked over to me and licked my face then started barking to the floor. After telling him to shut up a few times I noticed something sparkling. It was a contact. I forgot that last night, like the nerd that I am, I decided to wear contacts instead of my glasses because my glasses fog up. That’s probably the nerdiest thing I can ever say on this blog. I really don’t get how I forgot about me wearing contacts. Last night I went to the gas station and saw a friend of mine. She kept saying how different I look without my glasses. I don’t get why everyone thinks people look completely different without glasses. If that was the case, I’d be dining and dashing everywhere I go. Once I get the check, I would just take off my glasses stand up and take like two steps from the table. Waiter “Where was the gentleman with the glasses?” Me without glasses “Oh that a-hole just took off. He started saying how you were never going to catch him.” Waiter “Son of a…” then leaves. I feel a lot more comfortable with my glasses on. Without them, I just look like a freshly crossed illegal immigrant with a bad farmers tan and snarky eyes. Plus I can do that dramatic removal of the glasses that Jim Gaffigan talks about. When chicks wear glasses, I just want to walk up to them and gently remove them, brush their hair to the side and say “You go be prom queen.” Then hand them the glasses back and walk away. Also, chicks in glasses look hot. That’s a fact. I saw it in National Geographic. Til next time. I need to get ready for school.
-Ricky
Ps. Totally almost forgot. Make sure to go read my friend Anna’s Blog "From London With Love". She just left a few days ago to London to study abroad and will be blogging and uploading photos on it. So go leave some love on her blog and if you’ve been to London, give her some pointers and hot spots. Holler.

Seriously Vince?

2009-03-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

I'm sure a ton of you already heard about this yesterday, but the ShamWow guy was arrested for biting a hookers tongue a month ago. You can read more of the story at The Smoking Gun and see some of the pictures they put up. There's a few things I find kind of unsettling about the whole situation. The first item up for debate is the whole kissing a hooker thing. From watching Pretty Woman and my own experience on purchasing a hooker, I thought you couldn't kiss them on the lips. Actually, why would anyone want to kiss a prostitute on the lips anyways? Do you know how many chubbies have been in that mouth? The fact that another guys smoked sausage was in it kind of turns me off from ever kissing someone on the mouth. Yes, I do know a lot of girls have licked Otter Pops but I'm talking about chicks that bust tricks to make a living. I'm not talking about Mary Sue from down the street who occasionally does it because of her Daddy issues. Secondly, four punches Vince? It took you four to five punches to knock out this chick who was biting your tongue? Dude, you're in a hotel room for Christ sakes. Use that clap on lamp they have sitting on the credenza and wigwam that chick in the face. I don't condone hitting a chick at all don't get me wrong; but when she's either chomping on your tongue or your frank and beans that deserves some retaliation. My final thought on this whole situation is why that chick? She looks like like a plain Jane. If I'm going to get a hooker, it's going to be some big titted exotic chick from South America or Europe not some chick who looks like she works the swing shift at a TGIFridays. This chick looks like she'd suck a Canadian Bacon for $50. Come on Vince, Billie Mays wouldn't pull this shit. And if he did, he'd do it with style and class.

-Ricky

Playlist
-New Cursive Cd
-Saves the Day

Time to get a little more serious...

2009-03-25T19:02:00.000-07:00

This isn’t going to be an LOL LMAO ROTFL kind of blog. It’s just something more for me and whoever really cares about some stuff. Basically, I just kind of need to get this off of my chest.
Anyone who knows me knows about my past relationship. If you don’t, well…I’m sure you can just skim through the archive and check it out; or come to a stand up show. Not a week goes by where someone asks me if I’m over the break up and for the past 8 months I’ve been saying yes. Unfortunately, I was pretty much far from over it. Those who actually know me clearly know I’m lying. I wasn’t necessarily still in love with my ex, I was more upset about the situation and how it was handled. When the break up happened, I was pretty devastated. Yes, I was the one that did the break up but the reason for it was out of my hand. We tried the whole “let’s be friend’s thing.” and that just didn’t work for us. I’m sure other people can handle being around their ex but once they start dating other people and you see the person you love practically make out with someone other than you, it pretty much kills your spirit. With the break up, I just felt like it was worse for me because of a few factors. 1) We dated for almost 5-6 years 2) We tried the friend’s thing and unfortunately she asked me for advice about why this guy hooked up with her and doesn’t like her. 3) last but not least, she lives about a few houses down from me so every day since June, I would see this guy and her pretty much make out in the front yard every morning when I’d go to the work and come back. I don’t care how proud you are, seeing that every day gets to you. So to the main point of why I’m writing this. After all this time (a year and 4 months to be exact) I can honestly say I’m pretty much over it and moved on. During the relationship, I gave my ex this promise ring. I kept the promise for a pretty long ass time and after it ended, I pretty much kept it in a box. It was just me holding on to the last few good memories we had. I don’t know if it’s the music I’ve been listening to lately, the finding of my new career, or just people I’m hanging around with but I got rid of the ring. To me, it was the beginning of me accepting being single and the craziness of the whole lame dating scene. Although I’m getting tired of the friend’s zone, I still have never been happier in my life and I can honestly say that and not lie to anyone. Now, it’s time to celebrate this occasion and watch movies tonight. I’m just really happy with where I’m at.
Til next time
-Ricky
Ps. Ace Enders and a Million Different People song “New Guitar” is just one of the factors of why I got rid of the ring. Feel free to guess the other factors.

I live a life like a movie...

2009-03-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

Forgive me for the way this blog looks. I'm doing this blog on my
super cool iPhone since I'm waiting around for the next class.
I've been hearing a lot more of the saying "you're life is like a
movie.". I don't know if it's the fact that I took up screenwriting or
if my life is kinda like "The Truman Show", but I've been kind of been
thinking about it more and more. I mean, it's kinda true. I know
cougars have been on the rise on the "Things you gotta do before you
die." chart. As well as they should. But have any of you actually done
it with an older person? Or elderly I should say? Well don't believe
the hype. Just because people say that all gum is better doesn't mean
it's true. If you wanted that feeling of a 67 year old woman named
Mabels giving you a good ol fashion butter churn, just go eat a banana
and don't throw away the peel. Yes, you can thank me later fellas. On
top of that, when you are giving it to them in their plastic covered
bedding, the safety railing on the side of the bed get in the way from
you moving around. Again, don't believe the hype of cougars. Stick
with the prego woman because like I heard someone said "they are the
turduckets of women.".
Other than my weird dating lifestyle, I can't seem to get a job. I get
a ton of interviews but none seem to patch out in the end for me. This
guy asked me "What can you bring to this company?" my answer was "Um I
don't know. Probably my Xbox or a stapler? I don't really have a lot
which is where you come in." I had this other interview where I know I
didn't get the job for sure. When they actually ask you "What are you
wearing." during an interview and your answer is "Sorry Sir/Mam.
Karate class ran a little late today." it's a sign you didn't get the
job.
As far fetched and movie like as it is, I'm starting to realize why
everyone has been telling me that. So when does the bus load of
Playboy models stop next to me and ask me to be their lotioner or
someone gives me a 3 minute speech about how they like me while it's
pouring rain outside?

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

An Open Letter..

2009-03-22T19:13:00.001-07:00

Dear Alcohol,
You know, I was first introduced to you thanks to my Grandpa at the age of 14. I didn’t really like you at first because the taste of you on my lips was like that time I took a piss in my bed and somehow woke up on the other end of the bed. It wasn’t really a great first impression. Although as I grew older; I started to realize how fun you could be. Oh boy did we have some great times. I remember this one time I went to town on you like a 12 year old discovering masturbation and just started yelling out to random people that “I would fuck you all”. This other time, I remember waking up on the beach next to the scream of a majestic seagull. Although I stole some guys car to get to the beach the night before, but I didn’t know that until I was 8 minutes on the 405. True story. I can’t really say I don’t like you, because we know I do. If I had the chance, I’d want you in me every night (that’s what she said). It’s just…it’s not you, it’s me. I can’t really hold you like I used to. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting a little older, or if my old ways of drinking you directly from a handle of Vodka are coming back to get me. Karma’s an angry bitch and I don’t want to be around when the time of the month comes. I think you and I just need a little break for a bit. Maybe we’ll grow closer as time heals all, but if I keep having you around it’s going to destroy me. This morning when I woke up, it felt like an elephant just skull fucked me. I didn’t even know elephants could do that. It’s time to get those ivory tusks out of my ass and start focusing on myself. So Alcohol, it’s been a good run. We made it to 100 episodes and now we’re gonna be syndicated. I have stories for years to come but for the next few weeks or months, I’m going to try and not see you as much as I usually do. Like any other break up, I’m sure we’re going to try to be friends and casually see each other once in a while. I’m almost more than positive we’ll do that after break-up hook up. I just want to let you know that I won’t be around for a while. I’m sorry…but I have to take care of myself. I’ll be seeing you around. I bagged up your empty bottles and I’ll be taking them to the recycling center. I haven’t quite kicked my cocaine addiction. You know how that is.
-Ricky

So here's what I know...

2009-03-14T19:14:00.000-07:00

Hey there people. So I told myself I was going to take it easy tonight since I'm always out an about like a hooker on the streets of Sunset Blvd trying to bust tricks. And by tricks, I mean sucking dick for money. I guess I should take the time to write a blog. This week has been pretty exciting and I know the rest of the month is going to be pretty gnarly. I've been kind of keeping track with the kids of today and decided to take the time to look up some things that everyone has been talking about lately and give my opinion. Hopefully you find it funny or entertaining...

Lady Gaga - I don't know if any guy has physically checked her out, but this is her. She reminds me of one of the villains that would summon the Putty's and try to kick the shit out of the Power Rangers. She sings a bunch of electro-pop songs and I've been hearing her name more and more lately. Probably because of the fact she refers to a penis as "Disco Stick". Although I'm not into the music at all, I can help but say that I haven't been this excited about a synonym since Lil Jon started getting "Skeet Skeet Skeet" on the radio.seriously though, the chick in black is really a singer.

Irish Pubs - Not what they used to be. I went to Downtown Fullerton to meet up my friend Anna at this place called Brannagins. (I'm pretty sure I messed up the spelling like they fucked up Irish tradition). This place was actually pretty neat. It kind of looked like Ireland some how broke off from Europe, floated over to Fullerton, and its butt threw up on this building. Guinness signs everywhere, Shamrocks galore, a leprechaun in the bathroom handing you wet naps and hot towels. They even have a countdown clock at the top of the bar that ends on St. Paddy's Day. My only gripe is the music. Now, when you go to an Irish Pub, you want to experience everything. From the drunks to the Green Beer (which they do have), you want to be able to enjoy it in whole. However, this place was BLASTIN hip hop, rap, and reggatone. I don't know too many Irish rappers and I'm pretty sure Eminem doesn't make the cut as Irish. I wanted to hear some Neil Diamond, Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly...shit, even the bagpipes they play at funerals. Nothin. I had to drink my Guinness to "Back seat, windows up, that's the way I like to FUCK". At least I got crunk. Holler at cha boy

I'm not as cool as I think - So as we're in Fullerton have a pretty fun night, we ended up bar hopping. Like any other bar, you run into lines. Some are longer than others. This particular bar, there were two other guys. So we have 4 girls and 3 guys in our group. Now, we wait for about 7 minutes and after seeing a few people come out of the place, the bouncer doesn't let anyone in. Thankfully one of the girls spoke with the bouncer and was able to work some magic. Unfortunately, it didn't include us guys. As the girls went on in, us guys were left in line watching all sorts of douches come in and out of the place. Then, this is when I realized I wasn't cool. As we're standing against the wall like a fly on shit, I see three guys walk past us and go straight to the bouncer. Now, before I can go on and try to describe them in words...I'm pretty sure this picture can do it better...

about three of these guys come up and tell the bouncer "Yo, do we gots to wait in the line." the bouncer clearly looks at us and yes "nah dawgs come on in.". Thank God the Slidebar was right next door, other wise we'd still be waiting in line. F You Commonwealth Bar and Lounge. F You...

Anyways, fun little week and this week is going to be even better. Blog you later.

-Ricky

Ps. I'm gonna make sure that saying is trademarked "Blog you later."

I'm still alive...

2009-03-04T09:18:00.001-08:00

What's happening everyone. I have been the busiest I've ever been in my life. So much going on and I don't have time for a lot of things. Well first thing first, stand up is going great. A little too great. I'm probably gonna take some time off of it and do some more writing for jokes and hopefully finish writing this script I'm working on. I've had a few people read it and so far so good. It's still nerve racking to write this thing. On top of that, I'm the new manager for my sisters band Atalanta. Now this is probably the funniest thing I have been up to. There's so much stuff to learn that I'm probably going to bring the band down before I learn anything from this. Lucky for me, they made it to the Semi-Finals of this Battle of the Bands contest. The winner plays at Bamboozle Left. I have a ton of funny ideas for them to hopefully spread the word around for them so I need to get on to that.

That's pretty much everything for the meantime. I'll writing something more topical later. I just have to figure out how I'm going to eat my cereal since there's no milk. I'm probably going to use Orange Juice again.

-Ricky

Ricardo Marquez- 2009 Vans Warped Tour Pit Reporter (Well trying to become one)

2009-02-22T10:24:00.000-08:00

So I just Filled out (very quickly and not so pretty might I add) my application and video audition to be the new Pit Reporter for the Vans Warped Tour. First off, I’m going up against 250 applicants. The question of “Do you feel like you have an honest shot at this?” and I’m going to go out there and say, probably not. However, a guy can dream right? Most of my inner self is telling me “Dude, does a bear shit in the woods? You got this.” So that gives me some hope. Well in light of my audition and the 15th year of Warped, I decided to let anyone who reads this as well as the people who are deciding who becomes the next reporter (since they should be checking my site out) 15 fun facts about me. Hopefully the Warped Tour peeps will enjoy this somewhat…

1. I almost killed Bob Barker with a monstrous Hi-Five while on stage during my 15 minutes of fame on The Price is Right. I immediately saved his life by pulling out and doing the robot. Yes, there is footage of this floating around out there.

2. Stevie Wonder actually came to perform a private concert in my second grade class. I didn’t know who he was at the time, but I remember bragging to everyone about what just happen. Pictures are being sold to TMZ as we speak.

3. I love my 15 minutes of fame. I’m actually an internet International sensation. A few years ago I spotted a Spanish news anchor doing a live report at Universal City Walk in Hollywood, CA. Like the idiot in me, I decided to do the robot (it’s really all I got) and start popping my head like a gopher around the crowd.

4. I have crowd surfed only once in my life and that was during the 2008 Vans Warped Tour during an Every Time I Die set. It took about 6 guys to get me up. I then proceeded to crush 3 girls. I still made it over the barrier.

5. I have done a stand up set in front of some well known celebrities and my favorite comedian of all time, Mel Brooks. I cried like I just watched the Notebook when I met him.

6. I have beat Super Mario Bros 1 on Nintendo in 5 Minutes. Thrilling, I know.

7. Heidi Klum and I have a pretty serious connection. Well, I’d like to think so but I was on a photo-shoot with her and did make her laugh as well as Marissa Miller. Great Times

8. A local radio station, KROQ 106.7, actually spent 20 minutes talking to me about how much I hate tip jars. I was so awesome, they decided to have me take on callers in which I did so comically

9. I’ve actually scared the big scary mutant guy on The Hills Have Eyes at a small event. Of course it was the actor, not the actual mutant. I’m sure I’d crap my pants if I saw that.

10. I have not been scared of a horror movie since I was 5. I’m un-scareable. Is that a word?

11. I have met all 104 of my Myspace friends at least twice in my life. Even my friend in Kentucky.

12. I’ve been to more states in the Country of Mexico than I have in the United States. This is actually kind of sad. I have family all over central Mexico

13. I’m pretty sure I have a membership to almost every social networking site known to man.

14. I actually hate using public bathrooms. Which I’m sure if I do end up getting this Pit Reporter job then I’ll get over that real quick.

15. I completely switched my education path. In turn, I have to start my entire college education over. Went from being a Doctor, to writing about one. I’m a Creative English Writing major. Trying to be a screenwriter.

Well, that was a little hard to do. Hopefully this somehow impresses them and shows them that I at least have personality. Then again, that’s usually what ugly people say. Personality is all I got. Til next time.

Xoxo
-Ricky

Clams Have Feelings Too

2009-02-12T11:03:00.001-08:00

Elllo Ello everyone. So the video I was going to put up doesn’t seem to be working right. Which is a bust because I have my buddy Mark jumping off a balcony from the cabin we were in with an American Flag. So Valentine’s Day is around the corner and boy is it funny to see everyone to see everyone freak out. I’m a little glad I’m single this Valentine’s because I don’t have to buy chocolates, flowers, or even an abortion. It definitely brings a damper to the wallet. I know a few people have asked me recently what I think about V-Day and personally I don’t really like it. Not because I’m single or can’t find a date, far from that, but because it’s kind of a retarded day. I mean, if you’re in a relationship, you should show them every single day that you either like them, care for them, or even love them. You shouldn’t just do it because one day out of the year tells you that you need to buy them all the jewelry in the world to show them you care. You should do it because it’s been 4 months since you got laid. Wait, what?
So with all this Valentine hoopla going around, I was talking to a very dramatic friend of mine and was discussing deal breakers. Deal breakers as in date breakers. For instance, with myself, I can’t date a girl who isn’t into baseball. At first it was they HAVE to be an Angel Fan but then I started thinking that is a little harsh. So in turn, if I date anyone they HAVE to be into baseball somewhat. It scores them points if they are an Angel fan and I subtract points if they are a Red Sox, Yankee, or even a Dodger fan (even though the Dodgers are in a completely different league then the Angels). Now, when I mean fan, I mean like the hardcore Sweet Caroline Sox Fans or the “I’m a Yank til the day I die” fans. Now, as I’m telling my friend this, she’s telling me that I’m harsh that I drop girls who aren’t baseball fans. So here’s my reasoning. Baseball season is about 6 months, 7 if the team makes it to the playoffs. I go to games as often as I can. Now, if I date someone who isn’t remotely into baseball or doesn’t like being around crowds or gets embarrassed easy, that’s 6-7 months of potential fights. Now ask me why. Why? Here’s why. I’m going to get the whole “How come you don’t pay attention to me as much as the Angels? Why don’t we ever do anything else? Why are you so loud at games? Put your clothes on and don’t streak.” That’s why. It’s going to happen if someone isn’t into baseball or anything in general. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I’m fascinated by every little thing so if you want to go somewhere where you think I don’t want to, chances are I will want to. Except going to Dodger stadium; unless they’re playing the Angels or D-Backs. Or unless the girl I’m dating is ridiculous hot or cool. Then I’ll go. Point is, you kind of have to date people who have the same interests. If you aren’t a social person, then you best date someone who likes staying in or making fun of people when you do go out. If you like being physically fit you better date someone who is willing to either get back in shape or runs more than you do. Relationships are a whole lot better when you both share a certain passion to anything like dead baby jokes or pulling pranks on your friends when they’re trashed. I know a guy who won’t date any girl who has weird hands. I know a girl who won’t date a guy if his armpit hairs pass a certain length. We all have our deal breakers as retarded as they are, so what’s yours? And now, enjoy the song of the week…

A little lazy lately...

2009-02-05T18:20:00.000-08:00

I was going to write another blog but I decided I'm just going to do a video blog or VLOG for you nerds out there, come Sunday or Monday (Depending how bad my hangover is.). This weekend, if we make it because of the rain, I'm heading up to a cabin up in Lake Arrowhead with 24 of my closet friends. What's going to happen up there? A lot of drinking, practical jokes, hopefully a snowball fight or two, and some more drinking. I'm taking the video camera up there so maybe I can somehow make a video for the trip. Bad part is, we leave tomorrow night at 7 or 8, which isn't the safest thing to do. I'm pretty sure I won't make it home alive. Anygay, nothing really new or exciting on my end. I'm currently still writing my first script and it's coming out great. I've had a few people read it and it seems to be a hit, which is extremelly surprising to me. Well, I'll write more come Sunday. Hopefully something up in the cabin will inspire me to write something remotely funny. But for now, I gotta find out more about this Stripper that was attacked and burned alive in this Strip Club in LA. Crazy.

A Day in the Life of Me...

2009-01-27T21:55:00.001-08:00

So lately I’ve been trying to find different ways to entertain myself with all this free time I’ve been having and to not totally kill my love of writing this script/screenplay/autobiography/porn I’m doing. I had a little debate with a friend of mine who thinks his days were more unproductive than mine. So, to find out whose day was more unproductive and pretty much useless, we decided to keep a journal with us for the day and write down everything that we do. The following is a timeline of my day…I’m pretty sure you can be the judge that I won this one…

5:00- Woke up due to this dream I had. This bear was trying to Lucha Libre me and that freaked my mind out. He actually wore a mask. Once I was up, got up, decided the bed needed me more than I needed to pee so I went back to sleep.

7:10- Woke up for the second time today. This time it was due to my sister singing the tunes of High School Music. Don’t ask why I know what it was. Surprisingly enough, her singing put me to sleep…or a slight coma.

7:59- After realizing I was just clinically dead, got the phone and decided to call the bank. The day before, I found out that I had a fraudulent charge on my account. Someone pulled the impossible and withdrew $200 from my account Sunday night. Thankfully I was out that night with Anna, who I need to thank again for going out with me that night because now I have an alibi and receipts, not to mention a pretty fun night.

8:30- Still on hold with the bank…

9:00- …and still on hold….

9:10- After about an hour waiting for a person, the Bank of America associate transferred me to the wrong department…

9:30- I was transferred to Bank of America Mexico…Don’t really get how they got that name…anyways, still on hold

9:45- Finally transferred to the right department…unfortunately this department only verifies you are who you say you are. Then they had to transfer me to another department to file a claim…yay…

9:46-10:15- I don’t think it takes a psychic to figure out what I was doing…or where I was being transferred…

10:20 – Was investigated over the phone with all my charges from the weekend. They didn’t believe I was in Hollywood, which is weird because 5 minutes before I charged my card $2 for parking, “I” took out $200 in Pasadena. I don’t know if you have driven from Hollywood to Pasadena, but that’s like a 2 day drive. La traffic blows. What I don’t get is why do they have SO many departments for a bank. Just train every person to verify information and file a claim for you. This is why Americans hate Bank of America. I feel like if I argue against the bank then I’m considered a terrorist due to the banks name alone.

10:30-12:00- Went to the gym. So I don’t know what it is, the economy may be in the shit yet breast implants are in the rise? I’m noticing more and more females in the mid 30’s – 50’s have boob jobs at my gym. Now before the guy’s critize me for not liking boobs (which I totally do, although I’m an avid “butt guy”), it’s just a hard thing to deal with looking at faces like theirs (wrinkly and overly tan) then having to look at their breasts popping out. It’s like putting cheese on Chinese food. Sure it’s delicious when you put it on Italian, but it’s just not right on Chinese. That’s my case.

12:30-2:30- Watched my dogs fight over the couch. Debating if I should text a certain someone.

3:00- Finally took a shower. Yeah, I waited long. My dogs actually smelled me and started sneezing and coughing. That’s when you know you have to jump in the shower…

4:00-7:00- Watched the weather channel. I was trying to understand what’s been up with the weather. It’s like God was having a meltdown. First it’s sunny, then it started raining, then sunny while it rained. Today, it looks sunnier then Florida in the summer and you walk outside and my balls shrunk to the size of a raisin. Didn’t like it, didn’t like it one bit.

7:00-8:00- Trying to watch and give Kat Williams a chance on Comedy Central. Unfortunately I can’t get the punch lines to his jokes because he curses every other word. On top of that, the punch line is either him saying “Motha Fucka” or “I’m a real nigga”. I’m assuming it’s that because one, he’s black and that’s what black people say apparently, and two, Comedy Central doesn’t really do that whole censor lips thing. Still, it was getting a little annoying when all you hear is BEEP BEEP MOTHA BEEP GOD BEEP BEEP A NBEEP…

8:00-9:30- Went back to the gym. I don’t know what it is, the economy may be in the shit yet guys can afford HGH? Insert joke about putting cheese on Chinese food yada yada yada…Also old guys, stop walking around naked in the gym locker room. Seriously, knock it off. Every time I walk in that locker room and look at old man balls, I get the song “Do your ears hang low” in my head. Yes, I’m referencing ears to balls. Old guys, come on…it’s not pleasing to look at.

9:40- Got home and started writing blog…still debating about texting someone.

So pretty useless day. Tomorrow, at least I’m going to the mall. Holler

-Ricky

Good morning Star Bright, the earth says F You

2009-01-23T10:43:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if anyone is like this, but I usually wake up with questions on my mind; like “What happened to the Geico Gecco?” “Is a cucumber really a better tasting pickle?” “What does Zima even taste like? What if I actually like Zima?” and “Why am I sexually attracted to Paula Dean from the Food Network? (I’m watching her cook this morning and she’s using a shovel to cook fried potato cakes. How is that not hot?)” But this morning, I woke up with one specific question “Seriously, what the F was that dream about.”…
Dreams are probably the greatest thing they can have. There’s all sorts of dreams like Being a Superhero Dream, saving a hot chicks life dream, winning a Nobel Peace Prize for finding the cure to destroy AIDS (Which by the way, if somehow you can separate the enzyme or chemical from Clorox that can kill HIV without killing everything else in your body then you just found the cure to everything. Bet you didn’t know that. Pa Pow!) or even a wet dream (Heidi Klum I’ll be seeing you tonight…and you’re twin.).Oh, and don’t let me forget those dreams where you know it’s a dream so you do anything you’ve ever wanted to do. I love those. Then, you get those dreams that absolutely make no sense what so ever. For instance, last night and throughout this morning was probably one of the weirdest dreams I had. So it starts off with me waking up…but I wake up on a cloud. So immediately I’m like, what the hell is going on. Next thing I notice, that everything is in bright colors and like that Splash Mountain kind of feel from Disneyland. So I wake up on this cloud and I look around and there’s just nothing but sunshine and other clouds. Out of nowhere in this deep voice I hear “Gooood Morning Ricky. Welcome!” So I turn around to see who it was and nothing. Then, “Over here Ricky. Ha Ha Ha (Like Count Chocula style)” I see this cloud all of a sudden pop these huge eyes and mouth out of nowhere and it just starts talking to me. By now, I’m freaking out because I don’t do drugs at all, but my brother did come back from Washington DC. DC is known for having a crack problem so maybe some homeless guy bumped into him, had a little crack dust get on my brother so when my brother handed me a shirt he bought, I must have gotten a sprinkle of the drug and somehow snorted it while I slept. Far fetched? I don’t think so. So this cloud is telling me crazy cloud stories about how he tries to ruin weddings and graduations or just tries to get entertained by watching how we drive in the rain (because people lose their minds when it starts pouring while we drive). I’m sitting there like in awe because 1) a cloud is actually talking to me and 2) I just figured out clouds are douche bags. Then this like huge gold escalator comes out of nowhere and goes into this bright light. I’m assuming it was heaven cause the cloud was like “Oh shit, God is going to be pissed I’m not at my post. You gotta get out of here.” I’m looking at the cloud and then he says. “Oh yeah, you have no idea where to go.” I ask the cloud “Dude am I dying? I mean… the whole gold escalator and the heaven thing. I’m having a heart attack right now back in my real body right?” “No idi-ass you’re not. I needed someone to talk to. The other clouds are gay and all they do is float here and block the sun, make it rain and snow… all the properties that clouds do that you learned back in school. I’m different. I like to mess with people. Anyways, just jump off and you’ll be back in bed.” So I said my goodbyes to the cloud and jumped off the cloud. Now, sometimes when I sleep or have a dream, I get this weird chill in my body and jump up and I’m back in my bed stuck trying to find out what time it is. So I get up to get a drink of water and all of a sudden I hear a “Chee, come here.” I look outside and my backdoor is open. I thought it was my dad because the chee was like a Mexican “chee”. The girls know what I’m talking about since they get whistled at by my brothern all the time. I walk outside and a possum is just sitting there looking at me. I start to freak because I hate possums. They look like they want to rape me. Have you ever heard two possums mate? I did like a year ago and it has stuck with me since. It’s nasty. Like weird possum screams and heavy breathing. Back to the dream…so this possum is like “What’s up man. How’s it going?” “Um, do I know you possum?” “Yeah man, the name is Billy. Me and my old lady were the ones that made love behind your room.” “Oh…great. Thanks for never letting me throw wood ever again. Kind of creepy… So why am I talking to a possum.” “Oh yeah I’m here for a reason…um…go for it.” “Go for what.” “Just go for it. Don’t let it slip.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about dude.” “I don’t know either, I just thought it would be life affirming and something would spark. You did just come back from finding your gay self right?” “What’s up with people calling me gay? I’m straight.” “Yeah cause straight guys go to Santa Barbara to ‘Find themselves’. Grow some balls buddy. The ones on me are bigger than yours.” “Why are you such a dick in my dream possum?” “Because you still have low self-esteem.” “True.” Out of nowhere you just hear “Ohhh Billy” then the possum looks at me, actually smiles and says “Oh man that’s the Mrs. Alright, when you wake up, I’m really sorry.” “What?” next thing I know I blink and I’m in bed… and I wake up to possums going to town again. I roll up the window blinds and just yell out “F you Billy. F you.” Then my mom walks in and asks why I’m yelling at a possum and why am I naked. So there you have it, a weird ass dream I know nothing about. Sad thing is this isn’t my weirdest dream to date. Anyone have any clue as to what the hell this was about? I already have a bet with someone saying I’m going to get like 5 comments that I’m gay, which I’m not. I love the female anatomy…a lot.

Xoxo
-Ricky

Playlist for the day...
Attack Attack -- Someday Came Suddenly
Four Year Strong -- Rise or Die Trying
Ace Enders -- Various tuneskies

Santa Barbara...a little something for everyone

2009-01-20T18:34:00.000-08:00

Like I said earlier, I took a few days off from the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles County to come on down to Santa Barbara to write a script I'm working on. Surprise, it's a romantic comedy. Anygay, as I'm down here, there's a few things I can't seem to notice. One, almost every single person here is in incredible shape. Like, when I mean incredible shape I mean like they have like 8 packs. You know that scene in Step Brothers where the brother comes up to the treehouse and shows off his pecs? That's exactly how everyone is here. I bet they too haven't had a carb in three years. The funny part of it is, a lot of atheltic people tend to be douchebags to us chubby folks or less attractive of the bunch. Not here my friend. Here in Santa Barbara, all the pretty people actually go out of their way to talk to you. It's funny because when good looking people talk to you, you yourself feel very attractive and think your hot rate goes higher. I've also noticed that when people say hi to you here that it's not so weird but when an ugly or unattractive person says hi to you you're like "Ew buddy. Can you not be so creepy". I don't know what it is but I kind of want to work out my abdominals on the beach and do like 1,000 crunches. Oh yeah, it also helps to say you're writing a script here. It's like money to people. Here's three examples of how nice people are here...

It's about 10:30 am and my sister just left to class so I decided to take a walk and just write on the beach. As I'm walking there, the street is whizzing with students on bikes...all saying hi and giving a friendly smile. One actually tried to have a full on conversation with me while she rode off. The beach is thankfully about a block away from my sisters house. Not a far walk. I walk down the cliff find a bench over looking the beach and the cliff. I write for about 20 minutes and I notice a group of girls running in my direction. As you guessed it, pretty good looking. So one actually stops right next to me and tells the other girls she needs to stretch and does so in front of me. Of course, that stops me from doing my work. Call me a perve, but I was learning the anatomy of the female race at the moment. So one of them notices me and the conversation ensues. "Hey there. What are you doing out here all alone?" "Me? Um I'm actually visiting my sister here so I'm just kinda hanging around while she's in class." Another girl joins in the conversation. Short black hair, glasses...my type. I don't know what it is but girls with glasses...ahh. Anygay..."Oh well that's sweet of you to visit your sister. So you doing homework or what? You have a pretty nice view." "No homework. I'm writing a script...well screenplay." The one stretching stops and actually comes on my side and sits down next to me. Sweaty or not, I'd still hit it... "A script? for a movie? Wow that's really neat. What's it about?" "It's actually a romantic comedy. I just started writing like 20 minutes ago so I'm no where near where I want to be." "Ohh I love romantic comedies! Can I read what you have written so far?" "Yeah me too! I want to read it." Now I have two girls to the side of me and one directly behind me. It was like my own personal Orgy...minus any sex going on and the girls still had their clothes on. So the girls read the script and occasionally laughed, which is what I was going for. Afterwards, they commented on it and were surprised I wrote that much in 20 minutes, which was a major boost to my already high ego. So they asked if I would be out here the same time tomorrow and I said I would and they looked forward to see me, as I look forward to seeing them..

The people are so ridiculously nice here that I'm walking back from the beach and there's these 3 guys sitting on a couch located on a front yard. Very college like. Anyways, one guy is like "Hey bro, isn't that Rockett clothing?" and I look at him and say "Yeah dude. It sure is." then he goes on about how he's heard about the company but never seen a shirt. He offers me a beer and asks if I go to school here. I told him I was just visiting and trying to write a script and he was all in shocked about it. So we were drinking and the three guys read what I wrote and start saying they like the direction I'm heading. We play a round of beer pong at 12:31 in the afternoon, probably the earliest time I've ever played. After getting my buzz going, I started stumbling home back to the house...

Now...to top off how awesome this place is, there is a homeless guy who actually helps YOU out instead of you helping him. So this place is well known for being a party school without a doubt. And with every party comes the drunken friend who passes out and no one ever knows what to do with them or how to take them home. Well the homeless guy does. All you do is place a tag on your friend with the address on the home, give the homeless guy 5 bucks or a few beers and he'll put your friend on a wagon that's attached to his bike and riding him home and leave him in the yard so that way when he walks up scared and freaked out, he's outside of his house. Now, where else can you find kind of love at?

Santa Barbara, a place for everyone...

Social Networking...a little carried away...

2009-01-19T23:52:00.000-08:00

What's going on everyone? Hope all is well and everyone is enjoying the New Year. So I decided to kind of take off from all the craziness that is Los Angeles and head out to Santa Barbara to kind of clear my head and let my creativity flow. Kind of like that movie In the Land of Women with Adam Brody. So I'm out here trying to write my very first screenplay. At first I thought it was going to be easy but Jesus Christ there is so much work. To top it off, I'm crashing at my sisters house with her 5 room-mates, all girls. Kind of every guy's dream. Anyways, I just spent the past 4 hours watching Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, and The City. I think it's pretty safe to say that women have absolutely no taste in television. But, this isn't what this little blog is about...this time...

So social networking sites have really gone out of their way to go as creepy as possible. When you first think of SN's (Social Networking sites. Yea, I abbreviated that so what.) the first thing that comes to mind is Myspace. Now, Myspace isn't too creepy, if you can get past the fact that there are 35+ men on it trying to add 18- not +, girls on there for creepy daddy issue kind of sex. Then we have the more mature, but still semi-stalkerish Facebook. I was driving to Santa Barbara with my sister and we were talking about how some people find out a lot about other people by checking out their facebook and stalking them. Apparently you can find out whose dating who and who lives in certain dorms. It's a little creepy, but I'm sure we've all gone to that point to check that out. But now, sites have gone to the absolute worst like Loopt and Twitter to let others know EXACTLY where you're out. Goodbye cheating, hello Cheaters film crew. With Loopt, you can literally pinpoint exactly where someone is. For example... Click here...http://app.loopt.com/loopt/journalFeed.ashx?id=c621dc23-2647-4958-a474-be5a1e0d06a4..this should show you exactly where I'm at. So please, don't stalk me but if you want to know exactly where I'm at then there yah go. So jealous girlfriends and over protective boyfriends, here is your ammunition to keep in check your significant other. Anyhoozle, it's getting late and I gotta figure out how to cover my morning wood so none of these girls see first glimpse of that when they see me on the living room futon. Not good...not good for anyone.

Ps. If you want to share your Twitter or add me on Loopt, by all means send me a message and I'll hit you up.

xoxo
-Ricky

The Dating Life

2009-01-10T10:05:00.000-08:00

Shit, I did not think a lot of you would actually come back on here and read the blogs again. So thanks for everyone who comments or even reads this blog and tells a friend. It feels great to know many of you read this thing and actually enjoy it. The funny part is going to parties or just hanging with friends and my blog gets mentioned as gossip. Funny times... So thanks to everyone who spreads this like HIV in Africa. Too soon?

Anygay, the topic for today is dating. Dating is the scariest thing you can go through, except for maybe waiting for the results of a pregnancy test. If you haven't done so yet, I say you try that. It's kind of thrilling. Am I advocating un-protected sex? No, I'm advocating results of a pregnancy test. Don't be a daddy; cover your meat patty fellas. As I mentioned before, dating is a whole lot different than what I remember it as. Back when I was first single, it was "Hey, my mom is going to be picking us up and dropping us off at the movies." Texting messaging wasn't really the thing, it was AIM'ing/Instant Messaging, and the Power Rangers were still fighting on earth and not in space or another planet. Now you actually have to be on your toes. Literally, because if you're shorter than a girl, they get really weirded out if they're taller than you. Why? Because girls for some reason love to wear heels and if they wear them when they're taller than you, they end up looking like Bigfoot or Paul Bunyon... but with tits. There are so many different variables too with dating now adays then there was before. Prime example, when you first get someone's phone number. Now all this doesn't apply just to guys, girls are the same way. How many days do you wait to call them or text them? What do you say without sounding needy or pathetic? Do you find their Myspace/Facebook/or whatever other stalking social site there is out there and add them? These are all valid points and none of us seem to have the answer to any of this stuff. And don't bother asking friends for advice either because they're probably going to steer you the wrong way. For instance my buddy Dave, yes you made it into a blog dude. You ask him any question on dating and his answer is going to be "So when are you going to fuck her". I mean, it's hilarious at first but when you're completely serious about asking for help, asking the other sex you're interested in (or the same. what ever floats your boat or tickles your pickle) when we're going to bump uglies is kind of out of the question; Unless you meet them at a swingers party. But I think swinger parties are out of style.

Along with the friend’s portion of dating, don't ever let them set you up on Blind Dates. It's really nice of them that they care about you, but you're going to get really offended at how they see you with their choice of a date. I know I did. I got set up to go on a date with someone who had like one thing in common with me but yet, according to my buddy, we were perfect. "Hey Rick how was the date." "Hey Dave fuck you." "What man you two were perfect. She liked video games, watching tv, reading, kinda goofy, watching movies, doesn't like the sun." "Dude you just described a hermit/loser." "Well, yeah... I mean you're into that." "That's fucked up man." "Well did you fuck her?" Point taken, don't do blind dates or you too well shell out $83.23 on a lunch date and you only spent $30 bucks on food and enough booze to get you through an annoying conversation on how Harry Potter defies the laws of physics.

Dating is terrible. Now that I'm of age to drink and do the dirty deed, I gotta watch myself when I go out to bars. If I get too hammered, I have to worry about if this chick is really a chick. You don't want to go back to your apartment or pad and find out you two are going to go Medieval and Joust each other with your own personal swords. Cock fighting is illegal in California. So do I have any advice for any of you? Nope. I'm just as lost in this with all of you. Remember, you can't spell stud without STD.

Porn in the morning

2009-01-08T08:05:00.000-08:00

Just cause I promised friends I'd put this in. It's hilarious.

So my pet peeves...not like a pet animal

2009-01-08T08:01:00.000-08:00

It's 8:42 at night on a Wednesday. Damn, Wednesday already. Fun fact number one, I'll be 23 in a month starting tomorrow. Which brings me to the topic of this blog. Pet Peeves. It's been a pretty crazy time in the world of my pet peeves. Wait...before I get into this I just want to let anyone who reads this (pointing more towards my friends who know me) this is just me venting. I'm really not pissed off at you and I don't plan on using names. This would just cause you guys to get back at me when we're all drunk at a party and I pass out.

All of us have pet peeves. Some are pretty understandable and others are well...kind of pity as all hell. I am the later choice. A lot of guys will appreciate what I'm about to say to the ladies. Women, please for the love of Christ and every thing he stands for, don't ever ask us for our opinion if you're just going to pick the opposite. Personally, if you were to take my opinion/advice and even think about it for more than 10 seconds, I wouldn't be pissed at all. But to automatically just say "No, I think I'll go with the other thing" ticks a lot of guys off. It's pointless to even think of asking us if you already have something in mind. I know the common excuse is "Well I just want you to feel like your contributing to my decision." and quite frankly we don't really give a shit if the low rise pants are better than the flair, you're going to look fine in whatever.

Now, I'm not going to let the guys off that easy. Seriously Men, stop being such dicks to everyone. I know I'm a dick too but come on. The girls notice it. I've had countless talks with girls about "all guys are dicks." and I don't want to be a douchebag and say "Well a lot of guys are dicks but I'm one of the good ones." So can you guys actually return girls phone calls, or do something romantic for them, or not cheat, maybe be there for the abortion instead of giving them the money. Oh, and when you're at a party, drink the entire bottle of beer/hard liqour/wine cooler before you even think about opening a new bottle. Anyone who has EVER thrown a party or been a part of the clean up crew the next day has found at least 52 full bottles of beer. "Hey Ronnie, how many beers did you have last night." "Oh man I drank like 15 beers and 3 cups of Red Bull Vodka" No guy, you had 1 maybe 2 full beers and 13 shots of beer out of a bottle and when you were taking a piss by the side of the garage, you poured out the rest of your cup the same time you pissed, so if anyone walked by they think you had a major piss break from the party. I know those tricks, I've seen those tricks. I pulled that when I was 17 and at my first party.

Couples...can you stop sitting on the same side of a table or booth? How do you guys do that? I need arm room when I'm about to eat. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend that hideous when they eat or what? I don't get it. Don't you have a stiff neck after dinner from talking and turning your head to the right or left all the time? Unfortunately I literally mean stiff neck and not a boner.

There's a ton more I can list like talking on the phone when you don't have anything important to say or the answers to those magazine articles which ask 100 women what they look for in a guy. Usually the top 2 are honesty and humor. I think I'm a pretty funny guy, but I don't see chicks showing me their tits and getting all horned up when I make a joke each at a party or on stage. Honesty? Really? Girls, if guys were honest with you with the questions you asked us, you girls would be gay. "Yea, I'd totally bang your sister." Anyways, so everyone has pet peeves. What are yours? Aside from me writing about pet peeves and my blog. Or my face. Cause I know some random commentor is going to say something like that. Get money, get paid.

-Ricky

I'm going to through a little knowledge at you...

2009-01-05T11:07:00.000-08:00

Don't ever try to show off how much you can run on a treadmill. Seriously. And after you get off, maybe take a breather. Maybe do some stretching. You're probably asking why I'm telling you this. Well I decided to, for the first time in like maybe a year and a half, go to the gym and run on a treadmill. I've always had long discussion with my friend Steph about how much I hate the treadmill. Only actually fit people capable of running in place should do this. I have horrible balance. Honestly. If for some reason you notice me walking, I zigzag. I can almost guarantee if my next girlfriend, finance, gay companion is going to get into arguments with me while we hold hands because I will always bump into them. It's that bad. So I muster up the courage and get on a treadmill. I do a slow setting first so I can get used to it and get a little sweat going. Next thing I know another big fella gets on the machine. Now, most of you out there who don't fall into the BMI of Obese, you don't understand what it means when you're working out and another member of the Husky Brigade gets on a machine close to you. It's like a Blood walking into Crypt neighborhood, shit is going down. The following is kind of like how those Discovery Channel Shows when the British narrator comes out describing when a Lion sees a Zebra "Sadly now, there can only be one outcome." I look at this guy and he gives me this look. Again, if you consider your daily servings of vegetables is in a Big Mac then you now what that look is. It's the "Yeah I'm a big guy, but this guy is bigger than me. I'll show him." and the war of the treadmill started. He starts turning on the speed of the treadmill. How do I know since I'm like two treadmills away? The LED light is bigger than Ron Howard's receding hairline, it's huge. So as me and this guy start having our own indoor LA Marathon, this girl comes between us, smiles at me, smiles at him, and starts jogging. I look at the guy and give him the look like "Alright the prize is set". Without even saying it, this chick can do better than the both of us hands down. She knew it, problem is, we didn't. See, when guys compete, all common sense goes out the window. Playing nice is not in a man's vocabulary. Have you ever seen two guys play video games giving props to one another? No, it's unheard of. It usually consists of harsh jokes, you're so fat/stupid jokes, and the greatest sarcasm you've ever seen. About 20 minutes into this, both of us are dying. Sweat is everywhere, heavy breathing is to the loudest decibel, it's like the set of Two Hoe's and a Bro. (New Years Non-Resolution to try and get a porno reference in every blog). Eventually the girl noticed what was going on. At exactly 24:30 into the race, the other guy pulled out. Once he hit the emergency stop button, I went for about 10 seconds longer just to kind of show off. Now, many of you are thinking 10 seconds? That's it? You don't understand. Exercise time is a completely different set of time from overweight individuals. The formula is 5 seconds = 1 minute; 10 seconds = 5 minutes (Notice how 10 seconds is not 2 minutes. Time goes forward a little quicker); and a 2 mile run = hold on, let me get my pajamas and sleeping bag and tell mom I won't be home in 3 days. As I finally get off the machine, I don't stretch or take a breather. No, I decide to show this girl I'm more athletic then she thinks so I just start walking to my car. Unfortunately the car is downstairs and outside. So as I'm about to walk down the stairs, I notice the other guy is in the corner throwing up and the girl between us is looking at me. She flashes me a smile and I smile back. Unfortunately for me, I realize I should've stretched my legs out. My legs wobble and give out. Friends, do you know how many stairs there are in a flight of stairs? 32. How do I know this? Cause I counted every single one as they hit every part of my body. Once I stopped falling down, I did the most retarded thing I could think of. I tried playing it off. Yeah, cause a 245 pound guy didn't just fall down a flight of stairs. This isn't like you got your shoe caught on a sidewalk and started a little sprint, this was 32 stairs I just rolled down from. I can hear two things. One was "Oh my god is he ok?" and then snickering. The sad part is, I couldn't even get mad at the snickering. Seeing a guy fall down a flight of stairs had to probably be the funniest thing anyone could see, aside from a horse kicking someone in the nuts. It's funny every time. To top it off, this dude comes running down the stairs and stands directly over my head and asks am I ok. I couldn't even answer the question because this guy is like 62 and wearing the baggiest neon colored shorts and not wearing underwear so I'm looking at his veiny sack. Yes, I went there. The thing the got me to answer was I felt a splash of sweat hit my forehead. The bad thing was, I couldn't tell if it was from his face or his balls. I don't even want to know. Once I get up, I look at the girl and she is just laughing. I get my stuff together and leave. I'm almost more then certain that I'll never use a treadmill again.

-Ricky

Seriously, this site still works?

2009-01-04T20:27:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year out there. It's been a while since I've written anything on this shiznet. Yes, Shiznet is coming back in '09. I don't know what your New Years Eve consisted of but I'm pretty sure it was like mine; spending all night with a few close friends and strangers asking random questions, getting hammered, and trying to somehow get the jello shot out of a plastic shot glass that would break as quick as an emo kid's heart when someone tells them Garden State was meh. I swear to God, plastic anything should not be at any type of party. I'm not talking about those Plastic Red Cups, those are a clue of a party is being thrown. Go to any Supermarket and get any number of Plastic Red Cups and I guarentee the cashier or the bagger is gonna say "So um...having a few friends over". If you don't believe me, go out and try it. Again, no plastic at parties. We had these plastic shot glasses like I said with Jello in them. Now, Jello shots can be taken one of two ways. One, you can get all sensual with it and very sexually slip your tongue into the cup, and just slurp it up like you're about to be in any pivitol money shot scene in a porn. Then there's the later choice, in which usually the guys go for, which is just getting the bottom of the cup and pushing the Jello in an upward motion. You can't do that with a plastic cup. Trust me, I saw my buddy Jody try it and literally conduct a tracheotomy while trying to get a buzz going with his Jello shot. Plastic Glass shards everywhere. To top it off, the Jello shots were this deep red color obviously resembling blood so as I'm trying to talk to someone, I start screaming thinking it's blood. Once I stopped crying the party went on. I know some of you are thinking that I just cock-blocked myself and no my friends I did not. Yeah, I know I cried but I pulled the sensitive card. Girls love that.

This whole week I've been getting the whole "So what's your New Years Resolution" "Hey, what do you plan on doing this year.". It's always the same stuff with everyone. Lose weight, make new friends, find a significant other. Stuff people never really follow through with. Which is why I'm going to say stuff that I know will not happen but when it doesn't, everyone won't be giving me shit for it. My New Years resolution's are to have a threesome, get on TV some how, and to punch a Rhino. Seriously. A rhino. The nearest Rhino is like 5,000 miles away in like Africa. Me punching a Rhino isn't going to happen. So when next year comes around and everyone asks me if I completed my resolutions, they won't be so appalled that I couldn't punch a Rhino. They would actually be angry if I did punch a Rhino. Hell, the Rhino would be angry if I punched it. Anyhizzle, Good luck in the New Year everyone and make sure to make the best of it. Go out and start punching Rhinos.

-Ricky

So I'm not a perv and here's why....

2008-12-05T12:46:00.000-08:00

What's going on everyone? Damn, it's been a month already. I've been kinda M.I.A due to me trying to get this Dodgeball and stuff with my daytime job going. When I say MIA, I mean Missing in Action. I don't mean I've been rapping about smoking weed and bones or having gigs at the Crazy Horse off the 10 Fwy. Anygay, I think I had a pretty great morning. The local radio station KROQ had their 2nd annual Ms. Double D-Cember pageant to determine who was going to be the next Ms. Double D for the year. Basically it's a contest where busty women from all walks of life audition to be a model for the station and get to go to all the Kevin and Bean parties and KROQ concerts they want. So all you ladies with the mosquito bites, I'm sorry but you might want to stay away from the stage. Unless you're into boobs, then by all means come along. So I go to the Slidebar Cafe (Which is probably one of the best local bars in the area. The guys from the band Lit own it. You know, the guys who sing that one song with that guitar riff that everyone knows and sing about being drunk and whatever. I don't know, Google it.) and am just amazed at how many other guys where there so early in the morning. At first I thought it was weird but then I remembered we were all there for one reason, free food and boobs. So the show goes live and we're having fun. Everyone is yelling out anything you can think of at the DJ's and the girls and just enjoying it. Then, I get the text from a friend of mine. We text while I'm watching these girls are showcasing their amazing talents and then I get "You're a pervert". It hurt at first. My buddy Sean looked over and gave me this concerned nod. The one you give your friends when you know they're about to throw up at a party. So I show Sean the text and he looks straight into my eyes and I know what he's thinking. He's telling me "Rick, you gotta tell her what's up" so I did. Ladies...looking at women is not considered perverted. Perverted to me is purposely knowing that your neighbor is about to change, so you put on a black jacket, run outside, wobble to the window and peep through the blinds. A pervert to me are hispanic males (yes, my brotheren) whistling and yelping at you women who walk by them and hungrily eye raping them when you don't want anything to do with them. Yes, I know rape is a strong word but when you girls complain about that look they give you, you act like you were just raped. You don't understand the essence of boobs. This show wasn't about getting a bunch of "perverts" together to stare at these girls while they were parading around their bikinis (good God I love this country). No, it was about the comradery of men (and the very few women that were there. God bless all those girls who came out to it.)and letting us rejoice at being an American. Can you imagine a world without boobs? Seriously...take like a minute and close your eyes and imagine a world without Hooter Girls, Strip Clubs, and Hookers. Do you see the chaos? If not, let me paint the picture. Crime would go up. Wars would be start without passing it through Congress. Women would get beat more and more. Do you want women to get beat? I certainly don't. I love you women. I look at boobs for you. We go to war to protect our rights as Americans to look at you beautiful women. That isn't perverted. That's Patriotic. What? You don't get how women would get beat if boobs weren't around? Here's how. A husband and his wife are fighting. They argue and argue and argue until the Man gets extremely upset. If there weren't strip clubs, guys would go out to a bar instead and just get hammered. This in turn would fill them with rage, go back home, and beat their spouse. Thankfully for strip clubs they can go there and bask in the gloryness of other ladies willing to show us their God given figure (or the gloryness of work that plastic surgeon did on Misty that's working that pole) and take a breather, go back home and give their wives the sweet loving we all want and need. So am I a pervert? Not at al. I'm an American. If you wanna call me a pervert for looking at girls willingly participating in this event, that's fine go right ahead. But I'm not the one supporting terrorism.

Peace, Love, and Boobs,
-Ricky

My Last New Years Resolution...

2008-11-11T18:11:00.000-08:00

So many people who know me, can basically say I'm a pretty big flake when it comes to things. It kinda sucks because well, it's usually never my fault. For example, over the weekend I had plans to go out and do a bunch of things aka get some. Unfortunately, I cancelled plans because people wanted to hang with me. I said "fine I'll hang lets go to the beach". They said yeah and 5 minutes later, said no. I said "Come on over my house" they said yeah and next thing I know, I'm alone with a quart of Ben and Jerry's and watching Nailin Palin on the laptop. Long story short, I still felt like I flaked out on a bunch of people. I do it from time and time again and I want to cut that out. So what better way to do that then to come up with this idea...

When I initially had the idea, I thought I was an idiot. There's no way anyone can pull it off. Then I realized, it's me I'm talking about. I can do this. So friends and readers (all two of you who actually read this) I'm going to do the greatest thing in the world to rid of my "flake-e-ness" I guess you would call it. I'm proposing a ridiculously huge dodgeball game. So big, that it becomes the world record. From what I've read and researched, the biggest Dodgeball game is currently 100 people and that was done this year by the band Weezer. I don't know about your, but I'm better than Weezer. I don't want Weezer to have that record. I want that record to go to me, a guy who everyone considers a flake. If I pull this off, I can be a flake the rest of my life, but I always have this in my back pocket. I can see it now "Hey why don't you ask Ricky to come" "Nah, he'll probably flake last minute. "I don't know, remember the time we said that and he broke the world record?" "Shit you're right." This is basically what I want to happen. So everyone, listen up and listen good. By the end of this year, I'm going to break this record. If it costs me my job, my well being with my family, the end of relationship with friends, I'm going to do this at any cost. All I ask of you is this one last favor for this year. That favor is to join me in my quest to rid the sterotype of me and to break a world record. So are you in, or are you out? More details on the way...

XXooxxOO
Ricky

Big Announcement...

2008-11-11T13:35:00.001-08:00

By the end of today. It's gonna happen...

Sent from my iPhone

If I only had a vagina...

2008-10-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

then it would complete the experiance I'm going through right now. Before you ask yourself "is Ricky smokin the meat pole", the answer is no. Work has been pretty crazy and I've gone from a Hospital Manager to an Administrative Assistant aka Sexy Secretary. Step One in Ricky becoming a chick. After all this politics at the work place, I can now say I know what you girls feel like when you wait those dreaded 2 minutes to find out if you're knocked up or not. I'm waiting to see if I'm going to be having a job after tomorow or not. It's pretty ridiculous because corporate and my Director (the person I'm secretarying [is that a word?] for) says yes they want me but this District Manager is telling them no. I think it's because he's sexist. "But Ricky, you have an 11incher around" I know ladies I know but the thing is I'm turning into a chick. A big dyky one at that. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I've notice some things about girls and it's that the majority of the time, they love to get ready with one another and in the younger stages of woman-hood you dress up like one another. Let me paint this picture for you. I get to work at 8 in the morning today and I noticed that I didn't put gel, thanks to a female co-worker in the office. She gives me some weird gel I've never heard of and gives me a compact. I put the gel on and she starts giving hair tips and honestly listen to her and we start touching up my air. That's when it hit me. I'm a chick. On top of that, my boss walks in (she's a powerful women mind you) and she's wearing this like Jackie Kennedy type yellow jacket. Next thing I know I hear "Very nice shirt Ricardo where did you get it" and I tell her "Oh at Macys it was on sale." then the worst thing happened. One of the guy supervisors comes in and says "Hey Ricardo, did you call Ellen to make sure you two matched?" and I look down and remember...I'm wearing a nice yellow shirt. Then only thing left is my vagina. I need to do something manly now like watch MMA or...wait...F that. MMA is a bunch of guys rolling around half naked in a ring. I think that would further prove my gayness. Not that it's gay to watch it. Don't get me wrong. People who actually know what MMA is about and watches it for the competitivness and not cause some YouTube sensation is on the bill "fighting" are cool. (Sean don't hurt me. Nor you too Mark. You guys aren't gay. Jody is.) I think me being in the position I'm at watching MMA wouldn't help my cause. I think I need to watch porn. But lesbian porn. Or would that just make me gay anyways cause I'm turning into a chick so it would make me gay if I liked women too. Jesus Christ my head is hurting from all this thinking. Oh no...I'm getting a cramp..

An Aniversary of Sorts...

2008-10-29T21:20:00.001-07:00

Finally I get around to writing a blog. Funny times because this day seems to be going my way the entire day. So I guess I'll jump straight into what today means to me. A year ago today, my life literally changed. The guy you have all come to know and love was starting to mold. The break up happened this time last year. And boy what a break up it was. I was in a relationship for almost 5 years. Unfortunately, we didn't make it. Am I sad about it? I'm not going to lie; I wish it would have worked out. But it didn't. And that's life. I can't sit here and cry about it like I had for 7 months. Well... I guess I am bitching about it since I'm actually taking the time to actually mention it instead of writing something funny. But hey, I need an off day. Anygay, would I go back? Probably not. I don't think ever. During a break up, as I'm sure a lot of you probably have gone through, you find out about the person you fell for but you also find out a little more about yourself. The thing for me is that I was too dependent on having a relationship. I wasn't really being myself to my full potential. Since the incident, I've done so much it's hilarious. I started doing stand up, which I need to pick back up on, and it got me to some pretty crazy opportunities. Like meeting Mel Brooks and getting advice from him. I can honestly say that Mel was on my dick that night because after he shook my hand, I immediately got in my car and jerked while I drove away from the $100,000 plate event. I've gone from doing stand up, getting closer to my family, hanging with my friends and meeting some new ones along the way, doing my first Dirty Sanchez, donkey punching the ladies, and much more. I know the question is probably going to come up if my ex was holding me back. The answer to that is no not at all. I just never had the guts to do any of that stuff because I was focused on making us happy and making sure we were ok. People change over time and that's usually the main reasons for break ups. I wasn't going to sit at home and practically kill myself because we broke up. I know how I used to get and that's why I started going out more. And thank God for friends because they know how emo I get. Which I hate using that word because I sound like a douche.

A Day with Grandma...

2008-10-21T21:27:00.000-07:00

So the other day I spent some time with my Grandma. Pretty exciting times. Honestly, if you ever want to feel good about yourself, hang out with an old person. I was in the area the other day and my mom called me to let me know my grandma was feeling a little lonely since my grandpa went out for the day. I'm assuming he went out to the titty bar again but to each their own right? As I walk through that door, my grandma had this surprised look on her face to see me. I don't know if she was surprised to see that someone stopped by, or that she had just made fudge in her pants. Either way, I felt like she was glad to see me. I asked her if she wanted to go to the store or if she had any errands she wanted to do and I could drive her around and she obliged and let me take her to this outdoor mall by her house. As we're walking around the stores, I was kind of browsing at some shoes in the window. Next thing I know, I forgot I was with my grandma and kind of freaked out cause I couldn't find her. Then I heard her little Hispanic giggle and knew she was a few stores down. As I wobbled down, I noticed she was looking through a store window with this perplexed look on her face. I walked over to see what she was looking at and I noticed the neon lit store sign and instantly knew this was going to be bad. My grandma asked what the item was in the window and I was afraid to look. There was this red satin heart in the back ground with a 12in black dildo on a glass pedestal... shaped like another penis. I didn't know what to say so I just told her it was a baton and that cops shopped here. She said "Oh ok Mijo" and I decided to take her back home. Once we got to her house, I decided to try out the new Lazy Boy chair her and my Grandpa bought. Holy shit it felt like I was rufied about a minute after I sat down on it. I woke up scared and confused, my clothes were all disheveled, I felt dirty...it's a great chair. Once I woke up, I decided to make some food. You know that saying "Kids say the darndest things"? Get you an old person and check out the shit they say. I opened the fridge and out loud I said "I wish there was something here to make a sandwich.” Next thing I know, I hear my Grandma say "Mmm...a wish in one hand and shit in another." I just looked up and couldn't believe what I just heard so I just threw the lettuce back in and laughed. We decided to bbq instead since my Grandma loves eating steak. As I was making rice and steaming vegetables, my Grandma was trying to cut the meat and says "Aye this is harder then wang" I kid you not. It was insane. I just sat there shaken my head thinking poor Grandpa. You're not supposed to chew the wang Grandma. And then she plays these mind games with me it's pretty hilarious. I'll be sitting there waking up from my rufie induced sleep on that Lazy Boy and she'll say "It's nice out today. I think I'm going to clean out the garage." She's like 85, she's not going anywhere. It means I'm going to be cleaning out the garage. But I kind of outsmarted her after hearing her say things a few times. That day I hung out with her she said "Mijo, I think I'm going to go out and plant those flowers I have in the back." I looked at her and said "Oh gee Grandma, I think today you were going to go to the Drs. and getting your prescription weed and taking me to Hooters." She sits back and puts her hands on her head and says "Oh that's right." It's funny too because when I take her to her doctor’s appointments, they'll give her vicodin for anything. Chapped lips; a silo of vicodin. Ashy hands; a barrel of vicodin. It's insane. Anyways, that's my day with Grandma. Word...

-Ricky

Hello From My Couch Part II

2008-10-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

It was brougt to my attention by my friend Sean that eating porn was taken out of context. I meant to say "There's only so much porn you can watch and Frito Pies you can eat..." I did not mean to literraly eat porn. Unless you're into eating DVD's or smutty magazines. To each their own though. So Sean and Dave and anyone else who actually reads this, I'm sorry for that confusion and this is an Editorial note to fix my mistake. And remember, don't be a daddy, cover your meat patty.

Hello from my couch....

2008-10-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

Well I'm writing to you from my couch, one of the many exciting places that I will be hitting up today. Next, I'm gonna party on into the garage and maybe try and play drums. I figure with all this free time I gotta do something productive. There's only so much porn and Frito Pies you can eat before you feel like Larry Flint on a Friday night. I think this is the most free time I have ever had in my life. Everyone was telling me I could use the time off to relax, but it's been kind of boring. I've been sleeping in til 9 or 10 and not showering until 5 at night when I have to go to school. Fun times on my end. Up until last week I was looking like one of the Oklahoma City bombers. My beard was getting pretty nasty and my hair was longer than Ron Jeremy's dong. What? And then I wonder why I'm a single ha. Actually, it's been about a year since I've been single. Lot of ups, lot of downs, but It's been good. You meet a lot of people. I think I've said that before. A few blind dates here and there but nothing really special. It's kind of hard for me to actually date someone as stupid as that sounds. I usually get put in that "Friends" category. I mean, you can always use friends, but sometimes it gets kind a little tiring. My problem is, I'm not really forward with what I want. I'm always unsure about everything. From what to eat, to where to go, from "should I wear my Incredible Hulk Underwear or Elephant Thong" debates, always unsure. Plus, knowning if someone likes me or not is not my greatest quality. I'm pretty blind when it comes to that stuff. Which is why I'm kind of in a pickle or a situation. It's funny cause the person I'm into gives me the butterflies whenever I hear from her. I really don't know how to go about this, so maybe someone will give me some advice on what to do ha. All I know is that for Halloween, I'm gonna be a Sexy Bumblebee and hopefully that doesn't scare her off haha. Anyways, I gotta go kill some terrorists online aka play games. Holler. I'm probably gonna do a short film in a bit and I'll post it up here. I'm that bored.

Viva Las Vegas

2008-10-08T19:47:00.001-07:00

What it do nephews. Well I just got back from Vegas and wow, could
shit get any funnier there? The capital of booze, floozy women, and
wrong decisions. When you step into the city, there's this feeling of
"Im a someone here, so let's fuck things up". When I first arrived to
Vegas to pick up my buddy, it didn't really hit me until my buddy Kk
pointed something out. "Dude check out that guy Rick". I look over at
the airport baggage claim and there's a guy, solo, wearing an orange
prisoner-esque jumpsuit with the lettering of "Dead man walking"
enscribed on the back. It was his last weekend before his wedding.
That's when it hit me. It's party time. As my buddy Derek finally got
up to us, we were more than ready to party. I don't think it really
matters where you stay in Vegas because every place just gives this
aura of good times. We stayed at probably the shittiest place you
could stay at on the strip, but it didn't matter because when you
drink, your body will crash anywhere. It's true, one time I woke up on
the beach. But that's a different story for a different day. Point is,
Vegas changes who you are and lets you forget all the worries in your
life. Now, those who know me know that when I talk to women, I'm like
Woody Allen, I have no idea what to do. I stutter, mumble words, talk
fast, the whole works. In Vegas, I'm like the Charlie Sheen of all 22
year olds, minus the casual sex and douchbaginess. I can actually talk
to women. I told my amigos that I was going to be the best wingman I
can, and they too would be it in return. Two chicks were walking by,
pretty good looking and one wearing a Nebraska State t-shirt. I yelled
out "Nebraska!" and the chick stopped and was like "woooooo" so I told
her I was from there and she loved it. Then, she asked where I was
from. I was like "huh what?" and Kk kept whispering "Lincoln, Lincoln,
Lincoln" "oh I'm from Lincoln". So we talked and went our way. Low and
behold we crossed each others path again and I yelled Nebraska and she
yelled "I love you".

Now, I can sit here and tell you all these other stories, but some
stuff just has to stay there. Vegas is the American Dream. Screw
owning a house, getting a good job, or even having a smoking hot
spouse. Going to Vegas is the like celebrating your American-ness.
You're not an American unless you go there once in your life. It
brings people together, no matter what gender, age, or race. Here's an
example before I go. Strip clubs are great. I'm not gonna lie. It's
like watching a Broadway Play or Musical. You have women (or men if
you're into that) dancing onstage to entertain you. On top of that, it
takes GREAT acting ability to get that close to a stranger and make
them feel like you are Gods gift to this world. As I was sitting there
in probably a stained chair, I saw probably the most unattractive guy
in the world. The dude was probably pushing 350, sweating everywhere,
long bushy hair, and like a 2ft beard. I looked at the dancer. About
5'4, huge boobies, great ass, brunette, and workin it. I looked at
those two and saw them lock eyes and I looked at his goofy ass smile
and I'm sure he had a chubby but at that same time something occurred.
I realized those two weren't just customer and client, but Americans.
As I was about to chant USA, my buddy Kk tapped me on the shoulder and
said "Rick look. No way". I looked to my left and saw the same fuckin
guy from the airport, the one wearing the orange jumpsuit. He noticed
us looking as a dancer was dropping her ass on his face and saluted
us, and we saluted back. So friends, if everything is wrong in your
life or you just need to feel comradery with your fellow American, go
to Vegas. Viva Las Vegas bitches

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

It's been a long time...

2008-09-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

since I've written a little blurp about what's been going on. Um...what a week I can tell you that much. I had a little stand up show for a bunch of celebrities and rich folk in Beverly Hills, what a treat that was. Honestly, I'm still on cloud 9 and It's been like 4 days since it happened. There's been a lot going on with the world. The first Presidential debate happened last Friday, playoffs for Baseball start tomorrow, and I think I finally got my crabs taken care of. There's stuff about politics I really don't get. I get all the lying, don't get me wrong. I think it's ok to lie just a tad when the moment is right. Like telling your kids Santa is real or telling the struggling actress you met at the bar that your best friend is a movie producer. But to start lying that the majority of Americans like you to be President? That's a little absurd. Over the weekend McCain was talking to a group of journalist and one of them asked him how he felt about coming 2nd in the polls to Obama and he stated that "My campaign don't feel that poll is accurate considering what we see and read on the internet thanks to websites. We are in favor to win this election". Huh? Really? The majority of Americans want you, a guy whose probably going to die during inauguration to the celebratory gunshots because you'll have a flashback of 'Nam and have a heartattack while screaming "Kill the gooks", is going to win. You gotta be shitting me. Oh hey, Jesus and Hitler were actually second cousins. Sarah Palin gave Bigfoot a blowjob while she was hunting in Alaska. It comes from a website, so it must be true. McCain, you're an idiot.

My Thoughts to Your Response

2008-09-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, I did not think I would get a lot of you to actually e-mail me or send me a message through Myspace with a million topics. Literarily, I counted a million. It took me all day. Um…so let’s see, where should I start….

“Why don’t you talk about lesbians”…Steph
I’ve only lived about 22 years on this earth and at the ripe old age of 13, when I first saw my first pair of giant big gulps (boobs, double whoppers, bahama mammas), I came to the conclusion that there are two kinds of people on the earth. You either love lesbians, or you kind of like them. That’s it. If you say you don’t like it, I’d call you a liar. Lesbians are by far the greatest group of people in my eyes. Even greater then strippers, but I digress. There’s nothing more beautiful than a women. Unless you know, she’s like 87 with saggy boobs and f-ed up teeth and can honestly admit she invented the hand job. Women are beautiful. Guys know it, girls know it, God knows it, Ronald McDonald knows it, Mayor McCheese knows it, and everyone knows it. See, there’s stuff about women that guys can never amount to. As best said by my awesome friend Dom, “Women have vaginas and we control the universe”. You girls have the option to smell like anything in the world and that excites me. One day you can smell like vanilla bean ice cream, the next you can smell like green apples. You guys can no joke, smell like I’m walking into a bakery and I love it. On top of that, you have all these moisturizers and creams and lotions that make your skin feel smoother than my greasy face. Then you have boobs and asses. It’s a Tri-fecta of absolute stunning-ness. So what makes a woman better? Adding another one into the mix. See, that’s why lesbians are probably the best thing on this earth. I would give my life, just to see you chicks go at it. Sure, call me a perv, call me a freak, hell call me a creep, but there’s something about two girls enjoying each other’s company and I love that, America loves it, and other lesbians love it. Almost as much as I love cheeseburgers. You know what they say, 4 boobs are better than 2. I’m all for the lesbians so let it be written, so let it be done.

” uuum uum, strip club blues, sitting in traffic, orange sticks ,azn drivers, old driversuuum, john cusak, girls that dance with ONLY their girl friends at clubs, blacks that talk way to much about god knows what, growing up ,growing nuts, guy rollerskaters, gay rollerskaters, why girls dress slutty but swear their notuuum, good movies staring nobodies, changing up your life schedule, starting a HXC acoustic band, blow job marathons, justin timberlake”…Drew

God Damn Drew…I don’t even know where to start…Um…I’ve been wanting to vent about Justin Timberlake for the longest time so I’ll svtart off there. Justin Timberlake is the biggest cock block I know. I don’t know him personally per say, but he’s cock blocked me as well as everyone other guy on this earth. So obviously you know that Justin is trying to bring sexy back. But why does he have to bring it back the way he’s doing it? The dude can dance, sing, has great looks, and great personality. I can’t compete with that. Justin, if you ever run into this blog, I can’t compete with you and you’re making it hard to get mine. I just don’t get why he doesn’t help out the common man. Couldn’t bringing sexy back add like maybe a couple of pimples, slight round belly, maybe being a nerd? I don’t get why he has to outdo us and dance and sing and whatnot. So come on Justin, help out your common man. Stop cock blocking me with your toe tapping and incredible singing.

For the hardcore acoustic band, I want to be called Acousticore (If you click the link, it's actually little project I did like 2 years ago haha) and I want our first single to be called “I support drunk driving because if you crash your car and killed a baby, you might have killed baby Hitler and saved the world one more time from harm” or ISDDBIYCYCAKABYMHKBHASTWOMTFH for short.
I’ll get on the rest later Drew, that’s a lot of stuff…

“Hey, I want to hear your thoughts on either the current state of Russian political affairs, viable public transportation options for the urban and greater Los Angeles region, or possible solutions to California’s budget crisis. Yours Forever, Michael D. Joy”

First off Mr. Joy, I’m glad you asked. I’ll start with Russia. Russia… the cold land, abundance of vodka, and mail-order brides. Nothing can be better than current day Russia. And who do we have to thank, Russian politics. You see Michael, as I’m sure you are already aware, Russia has insured that all powers in the country is Presidential. You can thank ex-president Vladmir Putin. You’re probably asking yourself “What the fuck does that mean” and I can honestly tell you, I have no idea. I just Wikipedia it to make myself look like I know what I’m talking about. I know that the new president Dmitry Medvedev just bought a bunch of new weapons in response to us arming Georgia. What does that mean? Who knows, maybe another cold war. I just know is that I’m scared as shit because I don’t want to have some Russian come to my country and after shooting a friend telling me “If he dies, he dies” like that dude in Rocky. That’s scary in itself.
I’m going to tie in the Californian budget and public transportation into one. As being a fellow Southern Californian, transportation is probably the biggest issue here. There are too many illegal aliens driving so that screws us who have a real license and didn’t buy it off Jose from McArthur Park. The best thing that I’ve taken is the Metro. The Metro is the best thing I’ve ever done. Need to go to Hollywood, jump on the Metrolink and take the Metro Gold line for like 5 bucks. That saves you so much money in gas. What can you do with that saved money? Probably buy pot. And where you can buy pot? From 7-11 because the state should legalize Marijuana and tax it so it would help cut down the state budget crises. I’m going to go ahead and say it already, Arnold (our governator) is a moron. He couldn’t be any more retarded. The Retarded Policeman from YouTube can run this state a whole lot better than this guy. These lawmakers are stupid because their way of “trying to fix the crisis” is by raising College Tuition. If us college kids weren’t broke already from buying pot, there’s no way in hell we can afford to go to school. So how does raising my school tuition and me dropping out as well as other kids who can’t afford school, get the state money? If we drop out from school, and no offense to anyone, I’m probably going to end of being a lifer at Footlocker or Disneyland getting paid a ridiculously low amount of money degrading myself to little shit kids who want to ride Little Nemo 8 times in a row and scream and cry about it. Why not lower tuition, which will in turn cause more people to go to school and get a degree and obtain a good career with a high paying salary, then tax the hell out of us once we are rich and established. We’ll have a good job, so we won’t care and thus getting the state money. But I’m a 22 year old Hispanic male so what do I know. I’m supposed to be a farm worker.

“How’s the single life working out and what do you look for in a girl?”….Jennifer

Well Jennifer thanks for taking the time to e-mail. According to a comment I saw in the last blog, I’m a lesbian so I’ll tell you what I look for in the same sex. While I was having “girl-talk” over the weekend, I was told I have high-expectations. I denied it at first, but after looking at myself, I have expectations. Obviously, looks have somewhat of an importance because as a girl, and my other sista’s can agree, it takes a woman 15 seconds to determine if she’s going to sleep with you. So, you gotta look good at that first impression. Honestly though, I’m really not all that picky. I like a girl who likes long walks on the beach, reading mystery novels by a fireplace, and feeding bon-bons to one another while listening to Rod Stewarts “If you think I’m sexy”. If you can tell from this blog, a girl who has a great sense of humor is a huge plus to me. There are maybe a few girls that can honestly make me laugh ridiculously hard in my life. Obviously a chick who’s not a psycho would add to the mix. Someone who doesn’t mind being spontaneous once in a while instead of sitting at home watching re-runs of the Simpsons, although that too is great. Tattoos, glasses, and piercings are perfect. I feel like I’m writing a profile for Match.com. That has to be last thing any single guy or girl needs to do before just going to the garage and hanging yourself. That or Craigslist. I usually find my dates on Craigslist under Missed Connections. For those who don’t know, Missed Connections is where you go to write about someone you wanted to have a connection with in a real life situation but you let it slip. So you come to this part of the site in hopes of fate coming into play and having that very same person go on there and reading what you wrote. 100% of the time, it’s going to be a person of the opposite sex just trying to find love. And that’s where I go to take advantage of it. There was this posting that said “You: In line at Vons on Sunset and La Brea. Hispanic, maybe in your 20’s. Me: White shirt that day and behind you while you were picking out fruit and I was over hearing your funny phone conversation” so I replied back, knowing it wasn’t me and faked the whole thing e-mailing her “Oh my god, that’s so strange I knew you would be writing on here” and had the greatest weekend ever. I eventually just told her that I was moving to Iraq to fight the war on terror. So now my buddy gets nudy pictures of this chick while he’s in the army, and I’m left with the memories. It’s a win win. But I’m basically just looking for a cool chick who’s into music, artsy stuff, and being cool.

There’s a bunch more of you that sent me e-mails and stuff on myspace so I’ll be checking those out later on.
iBlogBetterThanYourMom@gmail.com

xoxo
-Ricky
Currently Listening to
Vampire Weekend

Got Questions, Comments, Concerns??

2008-09-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm usually the go to guy for advice and I thought I'd throw some advice to you all on here. I'm a little wrapped up with work, school, and filming so if you want me to hear me rant about a particular topic or have a question in general, feel free to send them to iBlogBetterThanYourMom@gmail.com and I'll post them up on here along with my words of thought. I figure I'd let you guys have something to do with this site. Holler at a player....

-Ricky

Here's some advice...

2008-09-20T02:15:00.001-07:00

Yeah don't jump in a bed with two girls. They punch and scream. Not
good, not good at all. Can someone call my mom for bail money

Sent from my iPhone

How Ricky Got His Groove Back...

2008-09-20T01:59:00.000-07:00

...and by groove I mean dancing. Although my dream of going to bed
with two ladies is kinda coming true (even though both of those girls
are in the same bed and I'm sleeping with my guitar). So far, so good.
For most of those who don't know me, I don't dance. I think when God
decided to make people, then distinguished who was going to be fat and
skinny, I don't think he thought about giving fat people rythem, which
I have none. However I do a kick ass robot. My friends Steph and
Hannah decided to take me to this thing called Street Scene. At first
when I heard it, I instantly thought "fuck Heist, I don't do clubs".
They then informed me it was a concert. I thought I would be hangin
around a bunch of scene kids and listen to a ton of hardcore bands.
Turns out, I was way off. First little band we saw was Hot Chip. It's
safe to say Hot Chip is Hot Shit. They set the mood to what I was
getting my feet into. After walking around aimlessly and spinning
minature TPIR (The Price is Right) wheels, we made it to this band
called Diplo (or Dildo who knows). For once in my life I danced. I
remember seeing Stephs face like I just took a shit on a Grandma and
she was amazed by my dancing. I make Michael Jackson look like Malcom
X when I get down. So after sweating off the poundage, we made our way
over to a few other bands and danced the night away. I don't think
I've ever danced this much in my life. I'm sure if my feet could talk,
they'd probably tell me to go fuck myself for moving all that weight
around. Well I'm gonna go to sleep, I'm watching infomercials on the
Shamwow and I gotta call 1-800-Shamwow to order and I get a free pair
of knives that cut steel. Also, I gotta figure out how to get in the
same bed as the girls. I don't know if I should wait until they're
asleep or just ask him. I'm lonely in this bed. Ha.

Sent from my iPhone

-Ricky

Goodbye Fat, Hello Skinny (Well, kinda)

2008-09-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

Editors Note- If you haven’t already, please take my blog with a grain of Salt. I really don’t mean to offend anyone but if I do, take a step back and look into your own humor and see if it’s there. If it’s not, look up your ass because I’m sure it’s there. Actually, move that stick that’s up in your ass or take it out then the humor will flow out. The Following is a “Dear John” letter to my Fat and a love letter to my future Skinny Self. This has no other meaning, it’s just a joke. I borrowed the idea from my new found friend Jeanette who writes a blog on http://tragedyofleaves.blogspot.com/ the best form of flattery is stealing. So I stole this haha. Enjoy

Dearest Fat,
As you can see, we've been kind of going through a different time in our lives and we're at different places in what we want to achieve with our current relationship. I know you can kind of assume where I'm heading with this letter but it's much more then that. It's a bigger meaning than you and I and somehow, you just need to grasp it. Listen, Fat, I love you. Probably more than I love anything in this world. I love the way you make me feel on a cold wintery night. I love how I can lay down, watch a movie, and place a nice cold brewski on you without hearing you complain. I love how you make me feel when I see you having pleasure with Fried Foods. I know it's a little weird but I love it. I love you so much that even the smell of you tickles me and creates this salivation in my mouth that only you can do. You're one of a kind. But...like most things in life, "the good things come to an end". I know, I hate clichés too because they really are just a stupid pun to make the other person understand because you don't but it's true. You've been holding me down for quite some time and I need you to kind of back away. I need air, I need to breathe. It's just...it's not me, it's you. You do these things to me that I hate myself for doing afterwards. I know I'm coming off a little harsh Fat but it's true. I feel dirty after I have my way with you. The sad thing is, I kind of feel like a hooker after she exits that motel room. I know what they go through and I honestly never wanted to feel so used and violated. That's what hurts me the most. You say you love me, but you hurt me. On top of that, you cock-block me. You don't understand how hard it is to talk to someone literally half the size of you. You don't know because you are kept hidden. I want to wear bright colors Fat and you won't let me do that. There's only so much black I can wear that can hide you. I bought a striped shirt that's pretty bad ass and I can't even wear it because stripes make you stand out. I'm sorry I'm getting so angry but you've been with me since I was in the 4th grade. My buddy Sloppy Joe introduced me to you and then it was love at first sight. So Fat...I need to move on. To quote Robert Frost, I "need to take the road less traveled" and that means a road without you. I'm sorry Fat, but I need to do this. You do things where my mouth might like, but my ass needs an explanation as to what is going on up there. Like most break ups, we might run into each other and if I'm up for it, I might want to catch up with you and see how you're doing and who knows, maybe we'll have the break up hook up some time in the future and we have a threesome with Colonel Sanders and his chickens but right now, I need to move on. Take care Fat, I love you and this separation is going to be hard, but always know that some kid in Africa would love to meet you.

One Love,
Ricky

Dearest Skinny,
I finally did it. I broke it off with Fat. I don't know if you got my e-mail, text message, or phone calls but I did it. Now we can move on. I know life is going to be a little better just cause of the fact that I can probably play sports a lot better or fit in a swing set, but I'm glad you're around. You make me feel young again and I haven't felt that in such a long time. Don't get me wrong, I know we had a secret affair when we were on that indoor soccer team together or got the Nintendo Wii and worked out, but it wasn't the same as what we have now. I don't want me to be clingy or anything either, I'm just kind of new to this whole thing. It's going to take time for each of us to get to know one another and that's fine. I'm glad I'm going to have you as my wing(man?) Skinny. Unlike Fat, you're pretty outgoing. I just don't want to bug you but I want you to know I'm happy with what's in store for us. I just want to apologize and if I screw up and flirt with Fat, but it's just because Fat's been with me for so long that we have this connection. I mean, Fat encouraged me to eat 33 wings in one sitting to beat my friend Mark. I don't know if Fat cared about my well-being or what but that night I was dying. So I'm terribly sorry if Fat whisks me away for a night. I'm just glad you're cool with it and I promise if Fat does make me eat a ton of pizza or chips or candy or fried rice or whatever, I know you'll be there with open arms to get me back into shape with tough love. Tough love, that's something Fat didn't do for me. So thank you Skinny, I'm glad to have you and I like forward to our transition.

xoxo,
Ricky

First Major Setback...and Single Life

2008-09-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

Alright, so with every great event, there always comes a set back. Genocide of Jews before D-Day, the death of Martin Luther King Jr before Civil Rights, the heartache of going from Mermaid to Woman back to Mermaid then back to Women in The Little Mermaid, and finally me. So after about 3 days of filming I was editing things on my computer last night and I don't know what I did but I deleted every single thing I've filmed. I'm not going to lie; it wasn't much considering the fact that all my ideas of making this great through out the window on Sunday. Nevertheless, I had made what I had into gold. So now, I basically have to start from scratch. And that's ok. Actually, it works out. My Thursday night class was cancelled completely for the semester so my sister and I are probably going to the fair. I can actually film my fair stuff that I wanted to do. On top of that, I never got to do an official weigh-in. I went to Target yesterday and bought Tailor Tape, a digital scale, and this thing called the Hydra Coach (which is f-in ridiculous). I think I'm going to do the weigh-in today with my family just to see their reactions, which wouldn't surprise me with what I'm going to hear. So I'm a little more prepared about what I'm going to do. Someone was asking me if I'm filming all my life aspects and if friends were going to be in it or whatnot. Um, not everything I do is going to be filmed. One, I don't have a camera crew because I'm really just a no one and two, I don't think you want to see me naked in the shower. Orrr do you? Anygay, as far as friends in it, more than likely yes. If you don't want to be in it that's fine I'll edit you out or give you one of those blurry faces kinda like what they do when little kids get touched by priests or whomever. So that's a little update with what is going on. I'm hoping by this weekend I can get something up online...

So the single life; what a whore that has been. Really, I'm not the one to be single. Probably because I've been in a relationship the majority of my post-pubescent life. To kind of give you my background, I was in an almost 5 year relationship (one month shy) boo hoo right? Everyone has break-ups so I'm kinda over that whole "woe is me" kind of phase. Shit happens, people move on or don't. Anyhoozle, I'm sure all of you have had a break up before and know the aftermath. You divide the things you both want and move on your separate lives. Some of you are left with old love letters, sentimental items, mix-tapes you made each other, photos, all that junk. In my case, I was left with weight. You don't realize how much weight you put on in a relationship because the other person doesn't want to get you pissed off and cause a fight, that will eventually lead to eating late at night because you didn't answer "how does my haircut look" right and food calms you down. The bad thing is, after you get past the sad phase and ready to meet other people, you're about 100 pounds heavier then you started, which makes it a little harder. See, I know some girls worry about guys cheating on them and/or lying to them about other girls. I'm not going to lie, but I probably will. It won't be on girls though. I'm going to lie about having a Chicken Sandwich or a Ben and Jerry's Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream. I know the question of "Did you eat yet because I'm starving from working" will come up and I'm going to say "No, I'm starving too" as I'm on the phone with you eating a Pot Pie from Marie Calendars. It's going to happen. I'm sorry. I think that's why I'm trying to lose the weight is to stop lying to you girls about eating...
Also, the whole single life "game" has changed from when I first started. The last time I was single, I had to ask my mom for a ride to meet someone at the movies. Now, I can drive myself while under the influence. And the questions are so much harder to ask girls. Before it was just like "Man don't you hate math class?" or "Can you meet me by the gym at lunch?". Now it's "Um, are you sure you're a woman? And how well can you keep a secret if you're not". You don't understand how many times I've been at a bar and checked out a chick who then one of my friend’s points and says "Dude check out that chick. It's a guy" I didn't run into that back in freshman year. It sucks because when you finally take that girl home and you're ready and holding yourself, then she walks outta the bathroom holding herself and you're like "Holy shit, I think I'm about to joust" then the second thought is "I thought cock-fighting is illegal in California"...ha, then I wonder why I'm still single with this blog and the shit I write. Jesus Christ..

-Ricky
Current Playlist
Say Anything- People Like You Are Why People Like Me Exist
Thrice-DeadBolt
A Day to Remember- You Should've Killed Me When You Had The Chance
Tina Turner- Tiny Dancer

Addicitions

2008-09-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

Before I begin with my rant, here's a little update with filming. I'm filming. That's an update. This losing weight thing is going to be harder than I thought. I played tennis yesterday with my buddy Baby Sinclair and damn. I wasn't at all feeling it yesterday but today it felt like a Gorilla raped me. I'm hurting everywhere. It sucks. I wish I was filming yesterday when we played because I thought I would be funny and jump over the net and spike the ball but when I jumped, my weight shifted over and gravity decided to throw me down and I ate shit. To me, it felt like I was falling at a 100 miles an hour but I'm sure it was all in slow motion. You lose your sense of speed when you're overweight. Anyways....
So I was talking to a friend of mine the other night about addictions. We all have them. Whether we are addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, To Catch a Predator (I miss that show), we have them. We got into a huge argument when I made the statement that my addiction to cheeseburgers is worse than his addiction to cigarettes. It's harder to quit cheeseburgers than a pack of smokes. Now before you laugh, hear me out. Yes, you can decide to quit eating cheeseburgers with enough will power but that's all we have. When you decide to quit smoking, you have a plethora of options to help you in your quest to quit like patches or pills. When you see a commercial for Camel Joes, you can just get that patch and put it right on your arm and let the Nicoderm do it's thing. I see commercials of people screaming to get their whopper on hidden cameras and I can feel for them. It's not like I can take a pill and that's it. If anything, we are probably going to make a mistake and think it's a pill but it's a Cheeseburger Jelly Belly. Then we'd really get screwed over. My second point is, no matter how young you were when you started smoking, we started eating cheeseburgers a lot younger. You know you're mom would come home and hear you bitch and moan about how hungry you are and she'd go out and get you that Happy Meal just to shut you up. It's not like they're going to come home and say "Here this should calm you down" and toss you a pack. Case in point, food addiction is a little harder to quit than cigarettes.

I may bef ucked uo

2008-09-14T01:00:00.001-07:00

But God hates me. I'm more than certain

Sent from my iPhone

Day 1 of Documentary

2008-09-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

So I just got my über cool camera and I've been kind of missing around
with it and filming pointless shit and then I'm going to edit it later
to test out this software I downloaded. This is like my last kind of
"let loose" weekend. No more participating in Wet T-Shirt contests, no
more drinking because that chick I was talking to was actually a dude,
and definatly no more eating at like 11 at night when people try and
call my bluff at a late night Pinks run. Plus, now I have a camera to
record my stand up! Ha. Finally everyone can see how bad I am. So the
agenda for today is to buy a microphone for the fair stuff I'm going
to do. Later tonight, raging. Then tomorrow cure the hangover and eat
as much fried food as I can.

Sent from my iPhone

I feel gay...

2008-09-10T09:57:00.001-07:00

this patient is playing "Beauty and the Beast" on the Piano next to my office, I fucking know the words...wow I'm gay. It's actually pretty though.

Update
Now he's playing some Little Mermaid tune. I think when she becomes a human??? i don't know. I'm gay, but not that gay

School...actually enjoyable

2008-09-09T15:31:00.001-07:00

The first week of school finished wrapping up and now it's time for week two. There's something kind of retarded about the first day of class. I don't know about you guys, but I usually take a seat in the back of the class just so I can scope out who the hell is going to be in it, and who actually seems like cool to talk to. Then there's always a series of events that take place. The first is the "cute" person in class. Most of us guys always want to know if we are going to get some eye candy in class. Yes, I know that seems kind of juvenile but I'm telling you that I don't want to be stuck in class listening to a professor talk in words that I'm sure 95% of the class is not going to get, but will nod there head as the teacher makes eye contact with them, and not have anything else to look at. I'm sure most of you who read this blog can actually admit that you do this. I do, that's for sure. My philosophy teacher looked me right in the eye and said something in Greek and I just rubbed my chin while nodding yes and he smiled and gave me the thumbs up. Also, there's only so much texting underneath your backpack you can do. The next event that will occur is the dead silence. Everyone is in class, the teacher isn't quite there yet and you always have that one a-hole that will try and make a joke that no one will laugh at and make that guy feel like a total idiot. I am also that guy. The bad thing about college is that when you sign up for class, almost all of the students will sign up with a friend so they can help each other out and not deal with making new friends. Usually this comes in handy when teachers start talking about projects. That word is like a drug to people. Because when projects get mentioned, you immediately think group projects. I was sitting in photo and my teacher mention projects and almost simultaneously, these groups of girl’s eye-fuck each other and start doing baseball signs saying "will you be my partner" to their friends. Oh yeah, I know this ladies. I cracked the code the other night. I'm starting to crack all these codes you girls play with us guys. Like when we ask you if we can go have a guys night out and you have to check with the Mrs.. She has that tone in her voice that's like "Yeahh...go have fun with the guys. I'll stay at home tonight". What she's really saying is "You bet your ass you're going with the guys". It's true. I think women should have like a rattle like rattlesnakes just so we kind of know if we're about to make the wrong decision. "Hey Mike's right, your cousin is a little cute after the surgery" rattle rattle rattle "...cute in a Sloth from Goonies kind of way". In a way, I kind of hate group projects though. Maybe like one partner but that's it. You always get that kid in class who you give him or her their part to do and they always "forget" or say "they were busy at work" or "I just found out I have AIDS so I was just bummed this whole week". Excuses… Or you get the kid in class who seems to know everything about that subject. Which is a ridiculously douchey thing of them. Why take a class you already know? I have this kid in my philosophy class who tries to answer the question and then gets it completely wrong the entire time, But then he tries to argue that he's right. Um, I'm pretty sure the professor who has a PHD in this and has done numerous thesis's on this topic and actually teaches the class would probably kind of know what he's teaching. Oh and don't get my started on my other class. Jesus Christ it's like 4th grade. She makes us read some of the chapters in class out loud like we don't know how to read ourselves. The best is seeing people scramble and count how many kids are in front of them so they see what paragraph they have to read to see if it's long or short. You hear a bunch of "oh man's" when people get the long paragraph. I counted too back in the day. Then again, I know how to actually read now so I don't spend 15 minutes trying to annunciate the word island in 20 different ways like some of these other retards. But those are my classes so far and it's actually enjoyable.

Filming Begins This Saturday...

2008-09-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

Alright, so we are gearing up to what is going to be a pretty exciting 4-6 months. And when I say we, I mean myself and my body. I know a lot of people are probably thinking "This is just going to be another one of Ricky's failed attempts at losing weight" and who knows. You might be right, you might not. After laying down the other night on a T-Rex foot (Yes, completely serious), everything that has been going on lately kind of motivated me to make this the best thing I can think of. There's a lot of stuff that attributed to my weight gain through my life like boredom, easy access to food, bad choices in food, a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend (same person, you eat a lot when you're sad) everything. Well, it kind of has to stop and I gotta take more control of it. Obesity is the second leading cause of death in the U.S. On top of that 127 million Americans are over-weight and about 60 million are obese. I fall into that category. That's probably because my gut has grown with the increase of beer I've been drinking. But beer is delicious, I'm sure anyone can tell you that. However, I let myself go. As hard as it is to imagine, I used to be skinny way back in the day. I remember back when I was a semen, my head was big but my body was uber skinny. True story. There are a few reasons why I want to lose weight. Actually, 250 reasons (I think that's how much I weigh but we will find out after the weigh-in ceremony on Saturday). You're probably like "Holy shit that's a lot" and yeah it is. I could give the excuse saying "well I don't look like 250 pounds" but I think my man tits speak for themselves. As childish as it is, one of the main reasons I want to lose weight is to be able to regain my self-confidence. It's actually one of the main reasons. Instead of saying "Yeah my six-pack is in my cooler" and point to my gut, I want to be able to say "I brought the six-pack, who's ready to party" then lift my shirt up and cannon ball in a pool. I want to be able to crowd surf again and actually be moved instead of held up in the air and the kids dying underneath me. I want to be able to go to a show, hurry up on stage, and crowd surf. I kind of want the fat jokes to stop. Actually, i find them pretty hilarious. That I really don't mind but all in good fun. I have a lot of stuff planned I haven't told anyone yet and I really don't plan on until it goes through. I've been doing a lot of e-mailing and texting to certain people and I'm trying to get some familiar faces in this documentary, whether it be an interview, a workout partner, anything. So friends, 5 more days until the first shoot and Monday the 15th starts the intense workout and dieting. If you want to come to the weigh-in (But be forewarn, it's going to be a little nutty) this Saturday let me know. I was going to do a farewell party Sunday, but actually I might have my last meal at the fair. What better way to say good-bye to delicious food then ate a ton of it. Thanks to everyone who has e-mailed me, MySpace me, everything. I really do appreciate it and I actually plan on putting those e-mails and words of encouragement or discouragement in the documentary probably at the end. Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it.

Untitled Fat to Skinny Documentary...

2008-09-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting at my school a little early to add a class so I figure
I'd blog about a project I'm working on. With my day job, I meet a ton
of bad ass people. From patients to caregivers, you meet a lot of
interesting people. Well I became pretty close to a patients husband,
and not in that way. Ok maybe a little but I've been lonely lately.
Anyhoozle, we've been having talks on being overweight and trying to
lose it and had a few jokes. It was then thought to make a small
independent documentary on me losing weight in the next few months. I
know I'm not the biggest person out there but I come pretty close. So
starting in 2 days I'm starting filming. I'm filming the good, the
bad, the nasty. I plan on speaking with doctors and maybe bring a
funny light to being overweight and the struggles that come with it
like looking for sizes you thought would fit you, trying to talk to
the opposite sex, finally seeing my old buddy Mr. Penis again, and
getting accepted into the finer things in life like society. You see,
heavy people are always shunned from the pretty and the skinny. It's a
fact. Honestly, I wouldn't want to take off my shirt around my friends
because
1) They'll make fun of me
2) I'd have to somehow explain my stretch marks are actually tiger
claws because I saved a baby from one
3) My self confidence is pretty low about my weight
That's pretty much just a little sum of what I'm doing so if you see
me with a camera, you're probably going to be in it. Time for class.

xoxo
-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

Trip to Laughlin

2008-08-31T11:32:00.001-07:00

Yesterday can be summed up into two words…Jesus Christ. I had to drive out to Laughlin for the day to help my Dad deliver a truck to a customer. Problem was I had to drive by myself for four hours. Aside from that, I was thought to be a threat to California Agriculture, gained new appreciations for Rednecks, lessened my appreciation for Cougars, found out I can win table games when I have no idea how the game is played, and have a feeling that my Dad thinks his son may be a little less straight then what previously thought…

Driving Four Hours Does Wonder on the Brain

If there’s anything I can actually teach you in life, it would probably be don’t drive to Laughlin by yourself and think. Seriously; Don’t even think now. I get a ton of random thoughts in my head, everyone is aware of that. I don’t know what I was listening to, but I got to thinking about cheesy pick-up lines that I probably would have done if my buddies Mike and Dave came along with me on the trip. Here are probably 3 of the most retarded ones I came up with

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi I’m Ricky…bam.
Knock Knock. Whose there? Ricky, nice to meet you…wham-o
Wow, you with all those curves and me with no brakes…

Other things on my mind, why do strip clubs always have bright neon signs that say “LIVE NUDE!!!” are there some strip clubs that bring in the necrophiliac crowd? When the “Burn-out-in-the-Parking-Lot-Guy” goes home at night, does he just do a fist pump in the air and says to himself “I just nailed that Albertson’s. Next, the mall…” Who the fuck is Joanie and does she really love Chachi?

A New Breed of Rednecks

During the time I was thinking and singing some tuneski’s, I got lost. I swear to God, I thought I was in the movie The Hills Have Eyes. I thought some mutant was going to come down, blow my tires, and I was going to awake to me getting raped by some Zombie thing. After wiping the tears from my eyes, I managed to make it back to the highway and went to one of the scariest looking gas stations ever constructed in the Western Hemisphere. As I walked in, I couldn’t help but notice the enormous amount of “Don’t Tread on Me” and “These Colors Don’t Run” American flag banners hanging up all over the place. After looking at an old 1970’s advertisement for Tad soda, this guy spins his swivel chair and says “Wat can I help you with boy”. After realizing that this dude was part of the Confederate Army (Thanks to the help of his t-shirt that said Confederates Do It Better) I managed to mumble out “Yeah, Hi sir, I’m looking on how to get back to Bullhead City” “Oh dang nambits I love them Bullhead city. Its rite darn there near that city wit them big ol lights like las vegas” so after getting directions I could hardly make out, he looks at me and says “so you gunna be votin’ boy?” “ Um, yes sir I will be voting” “What you think about that McCain Feller” “I don’t think I’ll be voting for him. I might be voting for Obama” “Obama? OBAMA!!! I love OBAMA! That man is going to lead our nation back to what it was. Grrreat I tell you what. And I think he might let me keep ol Betsie (Points to his Shotgun I didn’t even notice next to the register)” “Oh wow, that’s great I’m glad you like him. Well look I gotta get going.” “You come back now you here when Obama takes it. We’ll celebrate by shooting Ol Betsie here”

Cougars, no thank you

After being lost for a while, I finally made it to Bullhead City, picked my Dad up and we made it to Laughlin to have a little fun. When we first got there, we had a beer and I sat down at a table in which I thought was Blackjack. I’m sitting on the table and talking with my Dad who wasn’t playing and my Dad tells me the dealer wants me to cut the deck. I can see these two old people just shaking their head on the table. First off, I’ve played Blackjack a ton of times. Not once has the dealer EVER given it to the person who just showed up to the table, unless they strike a conversation. So after looking like an idiot there, she starts passing out two cards face down, which again is never the case. So I flip my cards over and she freaks “Sir put your cards down” and I’m just staring at her like a retarded looking at a piece of bologna for the first time. So I look at my cards and I do a hand motion for hit me. She tells me I have to brush the cards a certain way, which I did as I motion hit me. So the old people laugh again. Eventually I realize, I’m not playing Blackjack. I’m playing some weird ass poker game against the dealer. My dad is busting up at me because I have no idea what I’m doing. After a flop of another round of cards, she hands me $10, I guess I won. So my dad and I are laughing at the fact that I was playing Blackjack and it was a complete different game. As we are laughing, the dealer assumes I’m still playing and starts dealing again. Still not knowing what I’m doing, I ask for another card and stop. I win again. Now I won $10 more bucks. No idea how, no idea why but I won. So I get off and start playing Video poker while my dad walks around. As I’m playing, I notice a strong smell of menthol and feeling of want. I turn around and there she was, A 52 year old lady smoking a Virginia Slim and just fixating on me. She wasn’t the prettiest thing in the world, nor cute for that fact. She looks like a greeter at Wal-Mart. So I just say hi and turn back around and in a deep raspy voice she says “Hi my name is Deb, what’s yours sweetie?” “Ricky mam” “Please call me Deb. So what’s a young little stud like you doing in a place like this” after holding my throw up I respond “Just hangin out with my Dad Deb” “Hmmm…so how about you and I go up to my private room sweet cheeks?” “You know Deb, that’s probably not a good idea. My dad is walking around and if he comes over here and I’m not here he’s going to flip” “Oh come on. Let me show you a good time. How bout I buy you a beer” “Actually Deb I’m almost done with my beer here and I’m going to be leaving so….” “Well come find me if you change your mind” she rubs my back and leaves. Friends…I think I’ve told everyone of you that if I saw a cougar and that cougar was about to pounce at me, I wouldn’t move. I’d let it attack me. Well I lied…this thing, this beast was not a cougar. This was some sort of alpha-feline. I was so scared she was going to take me to her room. She reeked of despair and moonshine. She smoked so much, I’m sure her vagina could make smoke rings. Deb ruined my love for Cougars…

Having Some Sort of Style Sense, Doesn’t Make You Straight

After running the hell out of Laughin, my dad and I decided to stop by some outlets and do a little shopping. We went to this skate shop that was closing down. I found a polo I liked but was kind of hesitant on getting it. My dad told me to get it and I said no, and I quote “One thing dad, stripes are going to make me look fat. Second, this doesn’t match some of the stuff I have” My Dad looks right at me, shakes his head, and calls me “Joto” which is gay in Spanish. I looked at him and was just ashamed with myself. It didn’t help either when I put on the shirt and asked him if it made me look fat. The problem is, I watch way too much Project Runway, which is actually gay in itself. I think yesterday my sister and I were watching it and she said “I hope they don’t kick off the guy” “No they’ll get off the girl, her colors are clashing”. This is what watching these shows will do to you, they’ll gay you down. This is almost as bad as my obsession with watching Food Network with my pants off.

So that was my Saturday.

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Nerd Chills...

2008-08-29T09:46:00.000-07:00

Anyone ever experiance this? It's like when you listen to a great song and you get this rush of electricity through your body then you get goosebumps. Or when you're watching Saved By The Bell and when Zack kisses Kelly and the audience does that whole "OWWWWWWW" thing and you get goosebumps. That's nerd chills. Last night was Obama's acceptance speech and I'm more than sure you either 1) Watched it 2) Heard about it from someone or through a 30 second clip on the news or 3) a combination of the two. I'm not really big on politics. I think people who know me kinda know I just really don't care or am not too bright about what goes on with it. All I know is that we vote, and the opposite gets done. That's why I'm voting for McCain. Anygay, last night I actually got the chills from hearing him speak. This is the first time any politician gave me chills and I felt good about it. My brother was there and took some pretty good pictures of the whole party. He's actually a delegate for Obama and has been in Denver for this whole week. It's funny because yesterday people made a big deal about Obama speaking on the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jrs "I Have A Dream Speech". Yeah, it's a little ironic and some people felt that this whole race for the Presidency is going to be all about symbolisms. Take for instance the Republican Convention. It's going to be held in Mississippi. I'm pretty sure Mississippi is pretty well know for being a pretty racist state. Well the North Part of it. So does that go to show that the Republican party adhears to racisism? Probably not but I can guarentee you someone is going to throw that out there. And now John McCain announced his running VP. It's the Governor for Alaska Sarah Palin. Um, I am more than certain no one really knows who this chick is. Obviously she won't have that name recognition like everyone else has in the political scene but she is quite the cougar not going to lie. The decision to have her as VP was probably a white flag for the Republican party since she really has no experiance. Plus, she's a pretty boring speaking. However, when I look at her, I think of those old 1980's pornos as her as a librarian running her hands through her hair to the tune of WhiteSnake's "Here I Go Again" and doing the craziest strip tease and showing her boobs like there's no tomorrow. That's my image of Sarah Palin. I think this is the only thing McCain has against Obama, a VP who we all want to dream of her doing a strip tease in the Oval Office. I seriously would like to see her at Deja Vu working the pole so I can make it rain...no...make it hail ("throw nickles and dimes cause I'm a baller on a budget bitch") with the DJ in the background saying "Give her tips to see her tits". Anyways, Obama or bust 2008. Lastly, here are 5 "How Old is John McCain" jokes...

John McCain is so old, his first pet was a T-Rex
John McCain is so old, the key that was on Ben Franklin's kite was to his slave stable
John McCain is so old, him and Jesus were tagging the Old Testament on the walls of a building, McCain got busted, ratted out Jesus, and Jesus was put on a crucifix. (A little long but read it again and you'll laugh)
John McCain is so old, he knew the Burger King when he was just a prince
John McCain is so old, the Dead Sea was just getting sick at the time.

Why I'm Better Than Michael Phelps

2008-08-17T08:17:00.001-07:00

1) I don't worry about the 10,000 calories I eat in one day

2) I'm interesting when people come talk to me

3) Michael and I both have a 6 pack, mine is just hidden underneath my
cooler

4) Micheal Phelps can not beat Chuck Norris in a 500m Backstroke Event. I can

5) I have a Bronze Medal in Dodgeball from Royal Carribbean, he doesn't

6) My teeth are straight

Good job with all the wins Phelps, kick some international ass

xoxo
Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

Angels vs Dojers Debate

2008-08-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

What a way to have a lunch. So at lunch, I don my Angel cap and go out for a nice feast of Hot Wings and Fries at this place. Low and behold, 2 guys wearing Dodger blue are sitting at a table. I walk in and we make eye contact. I feel like Clint Eastwood walking into a saloon, except I'm Mexican and overweight. I place my order and I can feel the eyes of Dodger fans staring at me. Basically it’s the feeling you get when you think someone is going to mug you late at night. Thankfully, the place had a TV with ESPN running and showed a highlight of last night's Angel game when we played the Mariners and spoke about our 15 game lead in the division. Immediately after, it showed a highlight of the Dodger game and had a little story about how they wouldn’t win their division. So I sit down just watching TV and I hear one of the guys say "Well at least we're not gay like the Angels" and the other guy starts laughing. I turn around and say "Um...we may be 'gay' but I think we have the best records in the majors, we’ll win our division, and are fans are not constantly in jail." and the riot ensued. Fans of my awesome blog, why do people insist to talk bad about another team that is clearly doing better than the other? I just don't get it. This whole Angels are better then Dodgers rivalry thing is pretty heated. One of the best rivalries in sports history. Each fan base is crazy. Both fans would fight. I think we should have a Battle Royal and just go to town on each other. Not like the go to town as in Wedding Night lovin (as I’m sure some Dodger Fans who have been in the Twin Towers would love to get some of that “drop the soap” action again). The bar fight type of going to town. That would be great. Instead of a 7th inning stretch, why not punch a Dodger fan or vice versa. I'm not advocating violence but...actually I guess I am. Don't really do it though. Especially at Dodger stadium at Free Shank Give Away night. They'll cut you up. In two months we’re going to find out the answer to this years feuding with the Dodgers and Angels. Will the Dodgers actually not choke for once and make the playoffs? Probably not because they usually do. They have a better change with Manny Ramirez, but they’re still far from even matching the Angels. The entire season I don’t think we’ve had a slump and fallen out of first. Anygay, Dodger fans, relax. I know you guys are so mad to the point where you actually shot one of your own last night (I’d link the story right here, but when you Google “Dodger Fan Shot at Dodger Stadium”, 25 other stories actually pop up. It’s sad) but that’s no excuse to take it out on everyone. I actually went to a Dodger game about 2 months ago and sat in the All You Can Eat section and I have to admit, the concept was great, but the place looked like trash. I’m never seen so much filth and Mexicans in my life. When I was at the game, I honestly thought Mexico was prone to an invasion because there’s no one there to defend it. I’m insinuating that all the Mexicans are here just in case you didn’t catch that.
Before I go, here are some things Dodger fans typically say to an Angel Fan
"Los Dojers are more better than the Angels"--Quick response to fan (You speak as well as the Dodgers hit)
"Hey homie, the Angels don't even play in LA so change the name!"--Rebuttal (Um..maybe the city of Los Angeles was tired of having a losing team as their representative)
"You're an Angel fan? I'm gonna kick your a**"--This time just run. Some Dodger fans are nuts. Dodger Stadium's give always consists of "Free magazine clip to your gun" night, "Free Shank Night", "Free get out of jail free card night" and "Tommy Lasorda Bobble head Night" Personally I'd take the Tommy Lasorda bobble head. Great guy and amazing Manager.

Recycled Blog (Since more of you are reading it)

2008-08-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

I've been a pretty busy guy this past week or two with work, writing jokes for my stand up, and just trying to live a normal single life. I wrote this back in June before this site got better so enjoy...I'm actually writing a new blog now...

"So I haven't written any blogs in a while because I've been kind of wrapped up in baseball this past two weeks. I swear, I'm addicted to it right now. It's almost as addicting as Heroin or Kool-Aid. I wish everything worked like a baseball game. It would be awesome. I'd want to be paying for stuff at a store and have a group of people cheer me on with Da Da Da Dannn Da Dannnn CHARRRRGGEEE!!! Or I'll be at church and the priest is like "Matthew 2:12 And God said.." another priest runs out from the pew and runs up to the front. "Alright Father, pack it up. We're gonna sit you out on this one" The other Priest is like "Come on, I got another sermon in me Brother" "Nah, we're gonna bring in the new guy from Nigeria. We need someone to get this crowd going. Hit the holy water Father". Priest walks off all pissed. That's what life needs. It needs someone to toss a beach ball and heckle people out of no where. I would give a million bucks to anyone who would heckle and chant crap at me while I was eating or something. Actually, I wouldn't give a million because I don't have that much. Maybe like $5 or something. Anygay, baseball, gotta love it."

Bring back To Catch a Predator

2008-08-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most of you are WELL aware of the hit show To Catch a Predator. They follow a crew of people who will chase pedophile's online while posing as minors, convince them to come over their house for sex, then get busted by Chris Matthews from MSNBC and verbally raped. As they walk outside the house with their boners completly gone, a swarm of police officers who love to beat the crap out of pedophiles and blacks (I got you my brothas, I don't like the cops either) scare the creep and arrest him. It's probably the greatest thing they've created in the history of T.V. Unfortunately the show was cancelled when I believe a Congressman or political figure of some sort decided to off himself (kill himself... not, you know...the other off) as the cops were about to bust him. Ever since the show cancelled, pedophilia has been on the rise. It's insane. How would I know? Just turn on your TV today or listen to the radio. I can guarentee that you'll see something or hear something about Miley Cyrus having all these provocative pictures showing up out of nowhere. On top of that, Disney has been heavily promoting stuff like High School Musical and Camp Rock and other pieces of crap like that. It's bad to walk into a room with older guys and here one go "Dude, Demi Lovato in camp rock...I'd do her" "Um..she's 15 or 16 man..." "Oh....I meant the camp rock professor, isn't that her?" Or even High School Musical. They are playing kids in High School...to hear someone say "Dude I'd bang Gabriela" (she's Vanessa Hudgens character, before you ask I googled). She's playing a 16 year old! Come on man. I can honestly see 17, cause I mean it's like one year before 18, but still it's sick. I want To Catch a Predator to come back. I loved seeing their reactions when they get surprised by Chris Matthews. The best was when he would recite the entire text of Instant Messaging to them. "Did you not say "I want to put my blank on your blank blank and try to blank blank all night long"?" They would all have the same excuse "She didn't tell me how old she was." "I thought she said she was 19" "I'm just coming over to show her not to talk to strangers because a stranger might rape her" It was such a classic. "Is your screen name not IwantToBangAnyoneUnder18 ?" "Yeah but I thought she was 22". If I was a pedophile, I'd wait outside a bush in front of the house and send a telegram to Chris Matthews so he would have to sign at the door. That way if the little girl answered and said Chris Matthews wasn't here, I'd be set to go. Just a theory. Pedophiles are sick...

Greatest Site Ever

2008-08-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog, I intended to write about bands, other comedians, my life, etc etc…so far I don’t think I’ve covered any of that. I wanna talk to you about a certain website in my life that is probably the greatest invention in the history of the World Wide Web or WWW for short. Craigslist is by far, the best website in the world. No other website even comes close to this. Hell, not even a particular store can actually match the extreme awesomeness of this website. Craigslist.com is literally your one stop shop. Where else can you find a copy of Gladys Knights “Nitty Gritty” for only $15 bucks or even a tank full of piranhas? I’m not even kidding you. Click the link and someone is selling piranhas. This is what makes this website F-in amazing. Not only can you use it as a way better Penny Saver, but you can actually look up jobs such as this one. I don’t know how legit it is, but I doubt you can find one on Monster.com like it. That’s not even the half of it. They have personal ads as well. Sure you can go ahead and click on Strictly Platonic and just meet a stranger and go to the movies together. Why not be adventurous though? Click on your gender looking for the opposite sex. Or be even bolder (ladies I’m talking to you) and go search out for that first female encounter at Women searching Women. Craigslist not only surpasses that option but clearly blows it out of the water with their Casual Encounters section. Have you even checked that out? Holy crap it’s hilarious. Some of the titles are epic. “Wonder Women looking to get SuperF***”. “Searching for that Dark Knight to fill my Dark Hole”. The best part is, if you still live at home, you can just type “Please host”. And people still reply. It’s neat…. Have you waited in line at your local Starbucks recently and saw someone you wanted to talk to but their Mocha Latte was called up before you even placed your Carmel Frapachino order? Head on over to Craigslist missed connections link and you can post a little thing about what they were wearing, what place you saw them at, and how they can reach you. Fate and destiny will take over the rest. Magically the other person will hop on their MacBook at Starbucks, randomly decide to check out Craigslist and click on mixed connections, click on Men Searching Women and not get confused with Women Searching Men because that’s where a lot of the screw up takes place, and wah la, they found you. Instantly they’ll look at their closet at home and know that the Black and White Cardigan they were describing was yours. Fate…that’s it for now. I’m actually price matching BJ’s on the Erotic Services link on the bottom of the page….

Ricky

Cowmanhat...

2008-08-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

I’m thoroughly convinced that there is a greater evil in this world other than terrorism. Honestly. No, this isn’t a political post but something needs to change. A lot of us have a ton of different options to do to pass our free time. Whether it be picking up a new hobby, reading that book you bought in front of someone you liked so you would look a whole lot smarter, or even typing in words in the web address bar and adding .com to see what pops up. You’d be blow away at what you’ll find. But there’s something that a ton of people decide to do together to pass time and that is playing board games. Big mistake. Board games are ridiculous. They literally can determine who will walk out of that room either happy, sad, pissed off, or retarded. Case in point, last night. I went over to my buddy Jody’s to play a game of Pictionary. We got our teams and the game was on…I was teamed up with another friend Sean (Who happens to know every f-in pointless trivia question ever. Which is ridiculously awesome). We roll first and Sean decides to draw. I don’t blame him because I’m the worst drawer ever. Actually, first off, this is where everything goes wrong. Being the first person in any game is probably the worst feeling in the world. Worse than knowing you’re late to something so you try and rush but you keep getting every red light known to man. Going first determines how you’re going to be for the rest of the game. If you get it right, you intimidate everyone around that table. If you get it wrong, well, you look like an ass. So Sean looks at his card and immediately says “Oh we got this one”. It was comforting. Unfortunately, I’m an idiot. Everyone knows it. He starts his drawing and this is what he gets… Once I see the cow, I say cow like a million times, mind you I only have 30 seconds to decide what he’s trying to draw. I’m sure most of you who will read this will probably get what Sean was trying to draw. I kept yelling out Cow….then Cow Man….then Hat. So what do I decide to do? I decide to say cowmanhat in like 21 possible ways. CowMANhat. COWmanHat? CowmanHAT? COWMANHAT! Like that’s going to make him all of a sudden say “Oh yeah that’s it. The 21st version you said it was right on the money” Needless to say, I felt like an idiot. It doesn’t help when I have the other four saying “Oh dude I got it” “If you don’t get this you’re retarded” “Ricky I have a homosexual love for you”. When the final sand fell in the timer, you can just see Sean laughing at me and they all say “It was cowboy hat dude” then laugh. I was belittled by my very friends. It sucks because I honestly thought that if I said Cowmanhat like a million times, eventually I would get it right. The game progresses and it’s my turn to draw. The first half of the game was basically me making an ass out of myself. I was disqualified in every possible way you could get dq’d on. I drew numbers, I drew letters on a keyboard, I said “Um, I don’t think I can draw phrases”. Eventually I started getting the hang of the game and I was drawing masterpieces like this one…We lost because Jody and Mark cheated throughout the entire game…actually they came from behind. I honestly thought Katie and David were going to go all the way because Katie would draw a line and David would automatically get it right. But this is the part I love about Pictionary, you can draw 18 versions of an item, and your partner will say every single word other than the most obvious. I was drawn an American Flag and I think I said everything but America. David fell to the same trap when Katie drew a hat and David was yelling out "Cap, Tophat, hoodie, baseball hat". Pictionary…worse than a Ouija Board. And don’t get me started on Monopoly. That is a trainwreck from the beginning. Everyone fights to be the little car or the dog and then Grandma’s get punched when they start taking money from the bank when everyone argues if the Free Parking decal is a telephone or a 1930’s style car. Why the hell would a phone be in a free parking spot? Come on…

-Ricky

2008-07-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

For the first time in about 4 years and two months…I did something I never imagined I would do. When I graduated high school and threw those tortillas and beach balls up in the air, I made two promises to myself. The first was not to have any bi-curious encounters while in college. The second was to never drive by that school again. I hate to say, I broke one of those promises…his name was Mike. Actually, I drove by that damn school. Most of you are probably asking yourself “Was high school really that bad for you Ricky? Were you bullied in school?” Actually no; it wasn’t that bad, I just hated it a lot. I was forced to attend the “prestigious” Damien High School in La Verne, California. Some of you may know that school and can kind of see where I’m coming from, others have no idea. Damien was an All-Male catholic high school. You know how hard it is to ask a guy to Prom? It’s tough. Do you know what it’s like to go to a school, full of nothing but guys, for four years? You’ve seen us at parties. You get a group of guys at a party and once someone passes out, they wake up with penises and “I’m gay” written on their face. I’m pretty sure you have once or twice fallen asleep in class. See, at any other school you can just fall asleep and that’s pretty much the end of that class. At Damien when you fall asleep, you wake up with duct tape bound around your head to the desk and with about 3 penises by your mouth and a detention for being late to your next class. Great times. I’m lucky to say, maybe happened to me once. I was always adamant about not going to that school when I spoke to my mom and dad. They told me it was “family tradition”. My uncles and my brother went there so that’s how I knew some of the stories. Whipping your penis out and calling another guy a “fag” for looking was a common routine. It sucks walking out of the shower and seeing it. “Aww shit! God damn, put that dick away” “FAG” “God damnit Dad”…I remember coming home every day and listening to all the great stuff going on at my other friends school and how people we went to school with were “growing” (aka developing boobs). On top of all that, most of the guys there were douches. Almost everyone there had money, well their parents owned a ton of money. I was driving a 1996 Nissan Gardening Truck with Detachable Mower while other guys were driving the new 2003 Inifities or BMW’s. It was fantastic. When I drove by last night, I realized some things that Damien has taught me. 1. Don’t fall asleep around guys. 2. No matter how times you look at a penis, it doesn’t make you gay unless you get a boner. And 3. No matter how much people talk how they were going to take over the family business, there’s aways Myspace and Facebook to show you that Peter was working as a Shift Leader at Tilly's for the past 4 years. 10 year reunion? F that…

-Chocolate Thunder

Can't sleep? Blog....

2008-07-27T01:41:00.001-07:00

I just got home....I'm tired, hungry, thirsty yet all I can think
about is "Does Chuck Norris really have another fist underneath his
beard?"...better blog to come soon
Sent from my iPhone

Completly forgot...

2008-07-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

about the Stickers that make it look like someone shot your car and the ones with the baseballs or golf balls that "crashed" though...those are f-in retarded too...leave comments on other blog haha. Thank you Baby Sinclair for that reference because I forgot about those.

Stop putting crap on your cars...

2008-07-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning in a great mood. My alarm woke me up to the tune of “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac. You know, the one that’s like “Don’t, stop, thinking about tomorrow. Don’t, stop, it’s just one day aawwaayyy”. I take a nice warm refreshing shower and was finally able to use a bar of soap instead of the hand soap that I’ve been using for the past week because I’m too lazy to search the cabinets for the Costco size pack of 151 boxes of Dove soap my mom bought the week before. Then I get dressed and I’m lookin pretty snazzy for the job; even though my haircut looks like I want to listen to Melissa Etheridge and fight for my fellow females. Then the drive to work. The iPod is blasting some Sky Eats Airplane (Sick band check em out) on shuffle and I’m rocking out. Next thing I know, a red light slows my intense weaving in and out of cars and I’m behind this…then I get depressed. I’m sure almost all of you have run into these ridiculous car decals. The decals that say “RIP Ghost my fallen Homie, 1983-2004” Or the ones that really get you sad when they have “RIP Brooke. 2001-2005” on the back of their car followed by a little angel baby flying above it. Ok folks, I get it. I know you are sad for the lost and honestly, I feel for you. I get that you’re showing your respect for your loved one or your “homie” or gangsta, but seriously don’t bum me out in the process. When I see stuff like that, I seriously want to drive off the road and end it because I’m sure there’s a sad story about how your baby girl passed away or how that tagging on the freeway went awry for your friend. As I drove off, I started noticing other decals that are annoying. The Braham Bull on the gardening trucks. Actually, I’m surprised it’s not an alligator decal with the obsession of anything alligator with Hispanics. And anyone else noticing the abundance of Firefighting helmet stickers? It seems like every other effin Truck and every third car has this sticker. The only people that should actually have that sticker is the firefighter themselves, and maybe immediate family, maybe. That’s it. Not your friends, not your uncle, not your aunt, no one. So please people, before you put stickers on your car, for the love of God think about the person behind you. Do you really want them pissed off with the Baby On Board decal (which honestly makes me want to actually run into you even more because I wasn’t even trying to hit you in the first place) or do you really want to make them depressed and just end their life and possibly others? So please people, knock it off for the love of everything sacred.

Don't Cha Wish Your Boyfriend was Hot Like Me

2008-07-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

Um…with this post, I don’t know if it’s going to be funny or not. It’s just me kind of getting things off my chest. And no, I don’t plan on talking about how much I hate Mexicans again. Anygay…I’ve been noticing a lot of people being bummed out or irritated by the opposite sex. Not because I talk with people and they tell me their sob story, but mainly in part of the “Status Update” on Myspace (…and yes I hate to say I’m back on). I honestly think that’s the worst thing you can do is have that update. You pretty much either cock-block your entire friends list when you say things like “So-and-So is…pissed off at all boys because they blow” or “So-and-So…is confused on how he got this rash” or seem like a sad emo kid and wanting the world to know. I think my buddy Sean said it best when he wrote “…is wondering why the fuck you care about his status”. Yes, that was a shout out to you Sean. He’s exactly right though, I honestly think it’s best if we don’t know what you’re feeling. Not because we don’t want to know, but because we’re honestly feeling the same way and we’re tired of it. We’ve all had our relationships and past loves drift away from us. It’s life. It’s kind of like having coke for the first time. When you sniff it and get high, sure it may be fun the first few times, but after a while it’s going to f you up. I’m not saying all relationships you have are going to tear you up inside like a rock of cocaine, but eventually you’ll find that placebo that does the same effects of 3 bags of white girls (slang for coke if you didn’t know. Thanks Urban Dictionary) but doesn’t tear you up on the inside. Like many of you, I came out of a long relationship. The relationship was great. I honestly have no regrets about anything except honestly the break up. She was my first everything, first love, first kiss, first girl I could actually fart around. What more can you ask for. Unfortunately some things came up and I honestly couldn’t handle it. I don’t think I was mature enough at the time. But, like some of you are going through right now, you tend to find more about yourself and learn to adapt, or try to, to the single life. I have been set up on dates before and you also find out what your friends think about you when they set you up on these “blind dates” or think you would be perfect with someone. Then when they ask you how the date went, you want to f-in punch them for even suggesting to be hooked up with someone you can’t stand or orders a shit load of food at lunch and your stuck with the bill. Regardless, we all go through the breakup and left with kind of picking up things. No need to post stuff on Myspace telling all of us how mad you are at an ex or why you don’t get guys/girls. Relationships end for a reason. Some will go back to what they were, some won’t and you’re just left with the good memories. We’re all going to die, so why spend 1/3 of it worrying about why someone doesn’t like you anymore or what you could do to win someone over. I’m Ricky Marquez, and I’ve been single for 9 months and I’m finally moving on…

xoxoXoXXoo

-Ricky

Watching Batman will get you Tazed...

2008-07-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

Alright...I don't know what the hell was up with people last night. This whole Batman fiasco, a little outta control. I get an e-mail from my buddy Dave saying "Hey I scored tickets to Batman. Let's go." so I go along...we get to the line and this is what we see...Obviously we knew there would be a line. This chick was paiting the Jokers face on this guy while in line. It was pretty gay. Funny thing was, he wore a Batman shirt while dressed as the Joker. I don't get it. So we grab a beer, wait some more, crack some jokes, and they let us in about 11:15. As we are in the theater, it's a madhouse. Everyone is running and screaming like idiots. Then I have the bright idea to play Marco Polo. We do about 5 minutes of it and we yell out other things. I hear some guy say "It's too dark in here" and I yell out "That's what she said!" and we all laugh, oh do we laugh. Low and behold, two guys start to fight in the front of the theater, well argue. Everyone yells to knock it off but I yell punch him. Dave is laughing at me and some girl next to him is shocked with what's going on. I started yelling "FIGHT!" kinda like in Middle school. Next thing I know...you hear zapping come then the hall. It's hard to explain. Imagine plugging something into the outlet and you get that little electric shock and that "Zeeepppp" noise that comes with the shock, now times that by 20 and you have what I'm hearing. Next thing you know, the theater manager pops up with a tazer. Not just any old tazer, it looks like an effin cattle prod. The one the dude from No Country for Old Men had, it's wicked. Everyone screams more and she's yelling at them to knock it off or they're gonna get tazed. The row in front of us pretty much adopted Dave and I and we all start yelling shit. I didn't hear it yet so I kept yelling out "Don't TAZE ME BRO! DON'T TAZE ME!" and it gets even more insane. One of the guys yells at the managers face saying "I want my money back" and she says "Here's your money" and tazes this guy. Ladies and Gentleman, I finally witnessed someone getting tazed. Honestly, it is probably the FUNNIEST thing you'll ever see. You can only dream of situations like this. I'm praying to God someone got their camera phone out and puts it on YouTube. When you hear the shock and witness a 300+ pound guy go down, it's all you dream about. The dude dropped like Heath Ledger after he took those numerous amount of pills. It was insane. Afterwards the theater kinda quite down and the movie started. As the movie is about to start, the same manager who tazed some guy comes walking down the aisle, telling us to turn our cell phones and this dude in front of us yells at the guy next to him in front of her saying "She'll fuckin taze you dude she's legit". Then the movie starts. I can sit here and tell you how good the movie was, but there's a ton of other reviews out there. I just wanted to review my viewing of the greatest taze of all time. I think everyone should go out and buy a tazer and just start tazing everyone for no apparent reason.

HOLY CRAP! MEGAN FOX WANTS TO GET NAKED!!

2008-07-16T08:32:00.001-07:00

So I was listening to KROQ and I heard Ralph doing his Showbiz Beat. The best news I've heard in my life. Megan Fox was reported in The Daily News or something like that saying she wants to do a movie naked like they did in the '30's. Sad news is, she said no movie studio would want to do it. So I decided to take it upon myself to write out a quick petition. It kind of blows, but my goal is to get as many signatures as I can and send it to the studios (yes, I have a lot of free time at my current job). Anygay, sign it if you want to see her naked. It's the American Dream. Please make it happen! If you don't sign it, your a terrorist. Hands down.

Update: I guess when you sign the petition, it asked for your address. If you don't feel comfortable with your address, just fake it ha. It doesn't show up in the petition anyways so no worries. It just says what state your from. So just lettin you know.

Petition powered by ThePetitionSite.com

Working Hard for the Money...

2008-07-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

The good thing about my job is that I don't have to deal with retards...well kind of sort of. I work at a hospital, most know where but I'd rather not say. Anygay, I practically get to sit here and talk to a bunch of patients and hang out. It's pretty easy. A retard can do it. Like the Retarded Policeman. The thing is with my past jobs, you tend to deal with morons. I'm not talking about the kind of moron that stands in line at McDonalds for like 7 minutes then when he or she gets up to order, all of a sudden they have a panic attack. "Welcome to McDonalds how can I take your order?" "Oh it's my turn..um....wow...can I um...can I get the number 7?" "Would you like to Super Size that?" "What's Super Size?" "It makes your meal fucking garganuate". I'm talking about the Theme Park morons. Oh yes, I used to work at Raging Waters. For those who don't know, Raging Waters is a water park. Not just any water park, but THE water park in the world. That company thrived on being the best experiance out there, even if it meant having their employees deal with idiots all day long. I used to work as a "Rental Associate". I had to rent out lockers, rent out inner tubes, and I would occasionally run the basketball game in the very front of the parks entrance/exit. The best part had to be the inner tube rental. When you rent a tube, you had to put down a deposit of like $10 bucks so that way if you lost it or ripped it, you don't get it back. The only way to get it your deposit is to bring back a reciept that has your deposit number on it. So what's the obvious thing to do in order to ensure your reciept doesn't get lost or damage? Put it away in your bag or by your towel. Oh, but that's too easy. People would come back literrally for like 8 hours saying "I left my reciept in my pocket, it's all wet/ripped." Um, no doesn't work like that. Then cause people were hot thanks to the so cal sun, they would be even more upset that they don't get their $10 bucks back and demand to speak with a manager. And thank God our 18 year old manager who gets high in the middle of some of the rides at night was there to solve the problem. It's ridiculous. I just wished we had security that would take care of these people...kinda like this guy...

Olympics...don't believe the hype

2008-07-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

So the 2008 Olympics are coming up and honestly, who cares. Some Russian is going to beat us at gymnastics, an Austrian is going to beat us at Greco Roman Wrestling, and we might get a shot at winning the gold in Basketball with our new “Dream Team”. Then again, its leader is a guy who sucked horribly at the NBA finals so who knows right? And yes, “I’m hatin”. When I found out Kobe really didn’t jump that pool with Party Boy and dunk, I was devastated. Did he really chest bump Wee-Man or was that fake too? Anygay, the only thing that the Olympics really bring out in anyone is the spirit of competition. Ah yes, the American Way. To try and be better than your fellow man at throwing a solid steel ball, or wrestling another man to the floor. I know some of those guys enjoy having a grown man squirm underneath them. It’s kinda gay to me but whatever. I think my brother and I are probably the most competitive people I know. We are constantly trying to out do each other with whatever it is, whether it be who can Wii Box better or make the biggest splash with a belly flop. We were pretty bad as kids. My brother introduced me to the “Penis Game”. It’s pretty much the most retarded game in the world. You basically try to see who can say “Penis” louder. We used to do it all the time when we were kids. We’d be at Toys R Us and my brother would look over and mouth “Penis”. I would be at the ball pit at McDonalds and I would dive in yelling “Peniss!!!” One day we were with my mom at church. For some reason, I had this weird feeling that someone was staring at me. You know that feeling. It’s uneasy. So I looked to my left and my brother had this look, like he was eye fucking me the word “Penis”. So during one of the chants of AAAAAAAAMEEEEEENNNNNN he yelled out PEEEEEEEEEENNNIIISSSS. I wasn’t having any of it. Not here, not now. I couldn’t let my winning streak end at the house of God. So when it was time to chant again, I kinda timed it wrong and belted out “Penis!” and it wasn’t like the quick little blurp, it echoed throughout the church. All you hear is “Penis is is is is isi s is issss”. Everyone turned around at me and just started staring; immediately excommunicating me from the church. My mom had this look of disgust and disowned me right then an there. So we go up and stand in line to get “the body of Christ”. Everyone knows that Catholic tradition of eating Rice Paper that is supposed to be Jesus. It’s my turn and I look at the Priest and he winks at me…then whispers “Penis” to me…and that’s how I lost my virginity…
Moral of the Story, don’t live up to the hype of all this “competitive” nature the Olympics is trying to do. You might end up sore and writing a blog about being rufied.

iPhone Crazy...

2008-07-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

Apple released the "new" iPhone the other day, and obviously it sold out quick. I don't get why people wait in lines for hours on end for a phone. I have the iPhone and I really don't see the need to mob a store at 3am to get this phone. It doesn't even do half the stuff most if not all phones do now a days. Don't get me wrong, I love this phone. Every chance I get to show it off I do. I even blog from it. If I were to get mauled by a lion, I'd probably take a picture of it and e-mail to my friends while I'm about to die with the subject line being (Tell Dave, to fuck himself). Those would be my written last words. It's just funny to read articles online or in the paper that says "Girl was punched while waiting for iPhone". I think in Jersey some guy litterally took a bike, threw it at the Apple Store window, jumped in, drop kicked a display case with the iPhone all because the store sold out. People are getting nuts. It's like Christmas in July. I don't know what's a matter with people trying to go product crazy when something new or inventive comes out. That's like the Tickle Me Elmo and Furby craze. When those came out, people were swinging punches to get it. I think my mom came home with a black eye because she tried to get my sister a Furby. And where are those toys now? There's only so much of hearing Elmo go "HAHAHAHAHA WHAHAHAHAHA THAT TICKLES HAHAHAAHAH HAHAHAHAHA STOP IT HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAH BIG BIRD RAPES ME HAHAHAHAHAH" it's annoying just to type that. Anygay, I think my brother waited in line and said F it and walked out. The only time I've ever waited hours to get/do something was when we were at the Price is Right for my birthday two years ago. We got there at 6 in the morning and stayed there all the way up til like 5. Best part, I actually got picked. I almost killed Bob Barker with my thunderous Hi-Five. I went in for the five and I saw fear in his eyes, so I had to pull back and I ended up doing the robot. It's all on tape. Google it. Anylame...time for lunch...

Plans for Today...

2008-07-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

It's my Grandma's 75th birthday today. So to celebrate it, we're going to have a surprise party for her at my Aunts. See, this is where it automatically goes wrong. There's about a million people in my family, so to have my grandma walk in the house and all of us say "SURPRISE!!!!" at the top of our lungs, I'm pretty sure the decibals alone will probably kill her. Either that or the shear fact that we surprised her will cause her to have a heart attack. I'm kinda hesitant about it. As far as I'm aware, we are having a keg. I'm going to get my Grandma to do a keg stand. Once that happens, I'll put the picture on here. We've done it before so who knows, I know she's getting plastered today so that's my goal...

So I've been watching tv and doing laundry the entire morning. Alright, whose bright idea was to give Brooke Hogan (Hulk Hogan's overly tanned daughter) an effin show. Seriously? That has to be the most retarded thing ever. Her brother practically killed his best friend, her mom is like 50 and screwing a 19 year old, and her dad will literally rub lotion all over her ass and I'm pretty sure will go to third base with her, yet she still gets a show. See, only in America right. I just don't get it. Anyone can get famous now if you just do something ridiculous. Oh, a chick spit on another chick lets put her on another reality show and give her a ton of money. Oh, you're famous cause your dad owns a numerous amount of hotels and you had a sex video? Let's give you a Carls Jr commericial and give you money to come out and go to certain clubs. I just don't get it...By the end of this year, I'm going to get on some sort of game show or tv show. That's a guarenteed promise and it's going to happen...it's too easy

Angry E-Mail...

2008-07-11T10:47:00.001-07:00

Um...I got the first ever angry e-mail sent to me for something I wrote about me being embarrassed by Mexican's...

"I just finished reading your blog about being embarrassed by being Hispanic. WTF is wrong with you. Why would you deny your own race like that? You damn well know not all hispanic women dress like they are 15 or whatever you said and you know that not all Hispanic men whistle at women. My dad doesn't pull that when he's with us and he's probably one of the most sincere men out there. I'm proud to be Hispanic and I think you should tell your mom or father or even your grandparents that you hate having brown skin. You are pathetic and should get a fucking life, maybe find a real job like all of us Hispanics and contribute to this society instead of trying to break your own race down. You are a huge idiot and I'm glad you don't live anywhere near me other wise you'd probably get the shit beat out of you for making comments like that. That sad thing is you live in California and there are a ton of Hispanics that would love to read what you wrote. I'm sure they would kick your ass with their "aligator belts" and give you a piece of their mind. You're retarded, this blog is retarded, and stop talking shit about Hispanics. Eat shit and die....

-Natalie "

Haha...so where do I respond. Well first off, you wrote in one of the last sentence's "That sad thing is..." um...where you trying to say "The sad thing is..."? I'm just trying to clarify that. Second, I did not at all say that I "hate having brown skin". Anyone who knows me, knows I'm probably one of the darkest hispanics out there. I'm practically black. So I hate having my black skin. Third, thanks for coming to my blog. I'm sure you'll come again and respond with another "retarded" e-mail to me about something else in the future. And yes, I do live in California and there are a ton of Hispanics here. This weekend, I actually plan to go get married to a Paisa I met at a rodeo in Los Angeles. Thank you Gay Marriage Act of 2008, I can finally wear my Alligator Tuxedo....

Staying Awake...

2008-07-09T22:59:00.001-07:00

So I'm loungin in my bed watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother.
This show is by far the greatest show of all time. It sucks because
after I watch it after so many episodes, I end up talking like Neil
Patrick Harris's character. It's not a bad thing, it just sounds weird
coming out of a guy like me...

Anygay, it's so hot in this room. I'm sweating butter n grease. At
least I know for a fact how hot hell is gonna be like. And it doesn't help
when you're about to go skinny dipping and your dad comes out and says
"oh you had the same idea too?" and proceeds to drop his pants. Not
good, not good at all

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

So...I think I'm a pushover...

2008-07-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

As if anyone didn't know that about me already, I kinda tend to go the extra mile for anyone. That's just the kind of guy I am. I'm a people pleaser. Anyhoozle, so last night I'm out and walking around town. I went to get some ice cream and there's a homeless dude sitting outside asking for change and this and that. He looked at me with his stained turquoise wool sweater and he put up his sign and flashed me a winning 5 tooth 1 silver tooth smile. It was beautiful. And I said "Hey buddy when I get out, I'll give you my change alright?" He smiled at me and said, and I kid you not this really happened, "Hey how bout you get me a coffee." I look at him like if he was kidding and I was like "That's all you want? Coffee?" and he's like "Yeah, just a coffee brotha. Small with Four Creams..." "Oh and don't forget the little straw" I look at him with this perplexed look as if I was on some camera show. "Wait, so you mean to tell me you want a small coffee with four creams?" "Yeah, and don't forget the suga packets. I gots to have me some suga" I didn't know what to say. It really didn't hit me. Usually, the homeless will just take whatever. This guy was placing an order. So what do i do? I get my ice cream and I give him the coffee. I give the coffee and the cream to him and he goes "Yo where's my little straw?" "Oh this one right here!" and I had smoke come out of my hands and a straw appeared. That wouldn've been awesome. I just don't get it, I don't know why bums are demanding things now. I still gotta find out what happened to my wallet after I gave him his coffee....

God Bless America, and no one else...

2008-07-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

This is why I'm proud to be an American...So Friday July 4th just passed and it was a special day for America. It was our Independence Day. Yes, a few things sparked us getting our independence but thank god for it because if not, we'd probably be a war-torn country or be British and all have bad teeth. I think the only bad thing that we came out of from our independence is not having a British Accent. I want one so bad. So screw the Fathers of our country for messing that one up. Anyhizzle, This dude (Joey Chestnut) beat the Japanese monster Takeru Kobayashi in the Nathans Hot Dog eaten contest. So F off Japan, we are keeping out 1st place medal in eating hot dogs. Stick with the technology, modern fashion, and Japanese Game Shows and leave us with our eating. That's what America was built for. To eat whatever we want. I just noticed the chick in the background. Look at how big that mouth is. You can probably fit like 20 weiners in there. I'm pretty sure you can fit two fists in there. Check out the guy behind Joey...it looks like he just smelled the hot dogs coming out of him. Anyways, this is why I'm proud to be an American. Whenever we beat another country at a retarded spectacle like a hot dog eating contest, or a strong man competition, or anything. This sparked something in me. I'm going to a Dodger game this Thursday (I hate the Dodgers...with all my heart I seriously hate them with a passion) but I plan on eating at least one dodger dog per inning. My goal is to eat 10. I don't know what the record is for most dodger dogs eaten at a game, but I'm going to make it happen. Joey Chestnut is my hero, and I'm going for the gold.

Just Maxin' n Relaxin'

2008-07-05T22:32:00.001-07:00

I swear to God, the spa has to be the greatest invention aside from
internet, and I'll get to that later. So it's been a pretty stressful
day. I woke up with a hang over, which lasted only an hour cause I
made me the greatest hang over breakfast ever, I had a sore neck from
my retardedly hard pillows, and some other stuff went down. So all day
I'm trying to kinda collect myself. So I pop in a porn n just go to
town. I wake up like 20 minutes later with an overwhelming feeling to
eat pizza. Problem is, I'm lazy n I dont want to drive nor call cause
the phone is one minute of me frailing about like a beached whale on
my couch. Then like an angel decending from heaven, a pizza hut
commercial appears like a message from God himself. "Now order from
your computer or text message from you mobile phone!!!!!" then bam it
showed an iPhone. I look to my left...I have an iPhone. This is fate.
I text "Meat Lovers Pizza Medium with order of Wings"... about 1 hour
later I get a call from my Aunt Patty saying "It's going to take me 6
hours to bring you pizza since I'm up in Sacramento" I mistakingly put
Pizza Hut in my contacts and dialed her instead. So I just open the
laptop and order online. About 20 minutes go by and my pizza is here.
God, it was delicious. Then the spa...I'm in it right now as I write
this. All I need is two smoking hot chicks to cool me down with a palm
leaf and feed me grapes. That would make it perfect. And maybe a happy
ending, but I'm getting carried away. Anygay, pretty tame night.

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

I really need to get this off my chest...

2008-06-27T10:18:00.001-07:00

Ok...for once in my life, I'm actually embarrased for being Hispanic. Now, before you criticize me and give me a bunch of flap for not being proud of my race, imagine this. An Overweight 45-50 year old woman wearing a size 82 shirt and size 2 pants, dressing like a 15 year old, has super hot pink make-up on, has short unevened razored hair that looks like it was trying to be bleech but pretty much damaged every inch of her scalp, and smells like salsa and stinky burrito. Honestly, how can you be proud of that. Almost 62% of hispanic women tend to look like that. I'm sorry, it's just not right. Now, I'm not woman bashing at all don't get me wrong, most of the Hispanic men aren't even better. For starters, how about every 45-82 year old man tends to wear anything alligator related. Alligator shoes, belts, hats...alligator lined shirts and pants and an alligator wallet to complete the ensemble. Why the hell do Mexicans like alligator? There's no alligators in the country of Mexico! Is that like in the unwritten "Being a Mexican" handbook? Then to top it off, they whistle at any chicks 10-99. Girl's playing chinese jump-rope, whistled at. Girls walking down the street, whistled at. Girls shopping, whistled at. Girls eating, whistled at. Girls taking a dump, whistled at. I don't f-in get it. They make a lot of us look bad. Now, I'm hispanic. I may be a little white washed because well, I don't know any other hispanic that actually publically annouces they write a blog every other day, but because I have brown skin, I tend to hear the "why do your people do that chee chee sound when they are trying to get our attention". It's not MY people, it's them. I have nothing to do with it. I feel your pain. I'm sorry hispanic men "chee chee", whistle, gawk, and pretty much the equivalent of a silent orgasim in front of you. I'm really sorry. I used to work at Home Depot and I used to get all the gardeners and electricians whistle and "chee chee" us to get our attention. So I kinda know, but I don't know what it feels like to be Eye-Raped by someone. Yes, I just said eye-Raped. I'm just fed up with this. Please, if you are hispanic and fall into one of these categories, knock it off. Honestly, you're not helping us nor yourself doing this kinda stuff. You don't look hot, nor cute. The whole hot pink or neon make-up, knock it off. The alligator stuff, knock it off. That may fly in Mexico, but not in America my friends. Adios everyone...

-Ricky

While people can't afford houses...

2008-06-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

I just bought myself a brand new car. Ah, the smell of the new car. It's amazing. Not like the one spray they give you at the car wash. The actual smell of a brand new car. It feels good to finally have a new car. I've been driving a 2000 GMC Sonoma for the past 3-4years. It's been through some rough times. When I first got the car off my uncle, it had already 90,000 Miles. Yeah, what a bargin I know. Since then, I've tacked on another 110,000 miles on it. I rode it like a beast. Sure it was a lemon, but damn did it see some exciting times. I have some proud dents on it. The one that was the best was the one in the front of the car when SOMEONE WHO WILL BE NOT BE NAMED HAHAAHA decided to walk on top of the car. I know she still feels bad to this day but it was one of the funniest things I've seen. Anways, so I bought a new car. It's pretty awesome. I'm happy that things are looking up for me. I'm gonna pimp the SHIT out of this car. Not really but I'm gonna get some fancy tint and maybe rims. ha. I'll be rollin on DUBS too. Good times on my end.

Another exciting night....

2008-06-21T19:29:00.001-07:00

Just sitting here watching Camp Rock with my sister. Seriously, you
know you are a loser when this happens. Ah, life...you always screw me.

Anyhoozle...plan on writing some stuff for the documentary and getting
a basic layout of everything. I really dont know if this is actually
going to go through or not. I talk a lot but I dont know if I can pull
it through. I just kinda want everything back in order the way it was.
My life changed 8 months ago and I'm trying to get it back, I guess
thats why I'm doing the film. To kinda fill the space of knowing for
sure whether or not things will go back to reality. I'm pretty sure
you'll see my transition if the film actually goes through. I was a
complete dick to someone for something i couldn't handle and it
changed me. If I can tie a running theme, dont give up on something so
easily. I haven't and I'm waiting to see the final outcome of my
mistake. So this film will get made eventually. In due time my friends.

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

One Hot Day...

2008-06-21T13:02:00.001-07:00

Its 109 outside...what the hell. At least that's what it says. I sweat
easily, so it doesnt help that its hot. I think I'm just going to go
back to the gym and just workout again since I'm sweating already.
I've had a ton of free time on my hand so I've been to the gym
everyday since last week. Hopefully I can lose some of this gut. So
far so good. Anygay, I wrote out the basic premise for the documentary
and once I actually start filming I'll start going full throttle on
kidding the word out. Anyhizzle...thats life right now. Still bummin
it and working on the site.

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

A common fat person problem..

2008-06-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

Chub rub..seriously, worse thing ever. I worked out last night and I was doing the Tony Little Gazzle thing at the gym and I don't know if I just have big thighs or what, but my chub rub is hurting. I feel like I just got dragged on carpet and then whipped on my inner thigh. Anyways, when I walk, I look like a dirty mexican penguin. I don't even know if there's even mexican penguins

Life Update...

2008-06-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

So it's been a pretty hard week with some things going on. I don't really want to go into great length about what happened but someone extremelly close passed away the other night. I've been around that before when my uncle died back in 96, so I'm alright. It's just, now that I'm older you tend to realize what you've accomplished and where you're headed with the current pace you're living. I don't think I've accomplished much in my life and I really have to change it. The only thing I really feel like I've accomplished was finding someone that I truely would want to spend the rest of my life with and right now, that ship is kinda sailing away from me. But what are you going to do? That's life. I've been hearing time heals all and at first, never believed it. I've never had the luck of the draw with that kind of stuff. But who knows. My gut instinct says it'll be alright, and most of the time it's right, but there's always a first for everything.

So last night I was watching Last Comic Standing. It was hilarious. I've done stand up a few times, like maybe a total of 5 or 6. Mostly Open Mic's and two openers but nothing really fancy. I really don't have a fan base and I haven't done it in like 3 months. So I've cut back. Something about last night kinda sparked it for me. I don't know if it was watching Sam the Armenian Comedian choke on tv or it was watching the guy from Israel make it to the top 15 or 20 or whatever it is, but it got me to thinking. For years my buddy Dave has always joked about recording my life cause of all the problems and odd situations that arise. And I'm actually thinking about doing a 30 day documentary about me getting from a nobody to a somebody. My ex was always supportive of whatever I've done and I think I ran that by her once and she was all for it. So maybe I should do it. I just kinda need to write out a draft. It's going to be hard since I work full-time but I think I can get it done. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do or how this is going to come about. Hell, I don't even have the equipment to make a decent movie, just my sister's camcorder. Maybe that's all I really need. I can make like Cloverfield/Blair Witch-esque kind of movie. I just don't want to make everyone throw up. Anyways, if you want to help holler at me, if you just want to wish me luck, by all means give me a shout out and thank you ahead of time. I've been getting a lot of e-mails about topics and relationship stuff to talk about so I'll get back to those soon. I'm going to spend the next few hours trying to figure out what I'm going to do. Adios and holler.

-Ricky

Trying to open up...

2008-06-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down..."--Woody Alan

I'm sure most of you have probably been in love one time or another and can kind of relate to this quote. Love is confusing, kinda like a rubiks cube. No matter what way you try to turn things, you're always going to be fustrated with your end result. Well, until you find a quick handed asian to show you the way. And I'm talking about the asian who shows you a rubiks cube, not the Da Nang Hooker from Full Metal Jacket. Eventually after time and practice on it, you'll get an end result and finally be able to have that sigh of relief. I guess what I'm trying to say is that time is pretty much all you need with love. Some take more time to find things and will go over different twists. Who knows, maybe they had the right turn all along and didn't know it. I know one time I spent like 8 hours playing Contra on Nintendo and I had the right code for 30 lives but I wasn't putting it in right.

So Ryan in Chicago, thanks for the e-mail buddy. I wish you well and I'm surprised you found this blog.

Angel game tonight. F U Mets.

-Ricky

P.S. For anyone that doesn't know that Contra code it's up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right B, A..haha

Good things come to those who wait...

2008-06-18T08:27:00.001-07:00

Alright, so my last post was kind of a venting/emo-ish type deal. After listening to a lot of The Early November and playing some Brand New on the guitar, I thought a ton of what is going on. So my friends, it's time to focus on the finer things in life. I can't sit there and cry about good guys finishing last and if things are going to change. Nope, not this time. And nope, I'm not going to go out and drink away my problems like I usually do so no hardcore partying because even then, I felt like a hooker looking for love in all the wrong places. So what does this entail? It means a better blog, better looking site, better everything. I have some things planned for this site that I really want to focus on and kinda make it a reflection of myself. Of course, I'll put everything in a funny light. It won't just be retarded stories or my personal opinions. I plan on going all out and hopefully this will somehow reach new people in different places. So if you want to help out, spread the word, leave comments, e-mail me at iBlogBetterThanYourMom@gmail.com. This site is going to be my own personal mistress and I plan on giving it all the loving I can. Not in that way. Til the next post....

-Ricky

When it rains...it pours...in novacaine

2008-06-17T17:19:00.000-07:00

So today probably is one of the worst days I've been having. First off, good guys do finish last. Don't ever let anyone fool you with that. I wonder who said that and why they would say it. Was it some sad cry baby emo kid? Or was it some bad ass mo fo trying to say something funny but when it came out, it was probably one of the douchiest things he said. And bad ass guys are kind of douche bags. It's one of those sayings that just don't make any sense sometimes. Like comedian Nick Thune
says "was there really an abundance of birds and a shortage of stones?" Anygay, so obviously not a good day. Then to top it off, I had to go to the Dentist. I think it's an American Tradition to pretty much hate the dentist. I don't really know one person who enjoys going to the dentist office, except for maybe my dentist and that's because he gets paid to rip up your mouth like a rock of coke. It must really suck to have a job where no one wants to see you. That's like being the Hilary Clinton of your profession, no one gives a shit about you. That's probably why they take it out on us and scold us to brush better. Oh well, life's a mean bitch.

Alright...What's Up with the Fatties?

2008-06-13T09:32:00.001-07:00

Don't know what is wrong with the world thinking fat people are to blame for every problem, but we are all getting yelled at and well...measuring up to the problem. A couple hilarious stories have popped up within the past few days. For one, gas prices are screwing us over like the Celtics screwed the Lakers from winning a championship. So what does a major airline try to decide to do? They decide to weigh you. Yes that's right. For every extra pound of blubber you have attached to you, they are going to tax on an extra fee to your ticket. Now, this may be a good idea at first, seeing as this is a huge motivation for people to lose the chub rub they so dearly hate and try to knock off a few pounds. But in the long wrong, it's going to hurt the economy. 62% percent of americans are either over weight or obese. You know what this could to do the food economy? Restaurants would be out of business with people cracking at the pressure of being embarrassed to be weighed at an airport. People would be out of a job and have their families starve, which might actually help them lose weight and not get a fee so that's kind of a pro, but still it's not fair. Imagine all the uneaten Twinkies and bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos that will be sitting there in the store. It's an American tradition to be overweight and who wants to break tradition? People who are un-American. So these airlines are un-american and might be terrorist. So if you don't want to support terrorism, keep on eating fatty and let that scale rise and get to the point where it says "To Be Continued". Wow, I totally spun that around. Fox news should hire me.

A Good Plot for Oceans 14

2008-06-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

Well turns out there was a jewelry heist over the weekend and what was stolen was none other than the Super Bowl rings for the NY Giants. They just never get a break do they? Obviously the prime suspects are the Patriots since they are pissed about he loss still. But I also heard reports of OJ trying to get it. Although, he would probably write a book about how he would have done it. I don't get what the point is to steal Super Bowl rings anyways. It's not like Eli Manning is going to walk into a pawn shop and sell it off. What retards. The theifs, not Eli. I think we all know Eli is a retard.

The Germans Scare me

2008-06-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

So apparently there's some new swimsuit speedo that makes you swim quicker than a dolphin, or in Germany, a Zepplin. This swimsuit, called the The LZR Racer, is making swimmers break world records. I don't know if it's because it makes you look like a superhero and gives you super human speed or if it just stops the other swimmers in awe because it makes your junk look 20 times bigger. Regardless, the Germans scare the crap out of me. I was reading an article about Team Germany and their reactions to the suit and what they said kinda feels like some Chinese are going to die during the Olympics. A German was questioned about how he felt the suit would do at the Olympics. This is what was translated no lie..."I really feel that this suit will not only help us win the gold back to the Deutschland, but also we will destroy the competition. We will beat them to a pathetic pulp in which they will ask for mercy. We will be the one true race that will win the competition. Forever Deutschland"...so what the hell does that mean? I have no clue but it could only mean the rebirth of Hitler or another set of those stupid little mustaches that he had...kinda like what the Yankees have right now

Finally, a new one...

2008-06-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written any blogs in a while because I've been kind of wrapped up in baseball this past two weeks. I swear, I'm addicted to it right now. It's almost as addicting as Heroin or Kool-Aid. I wish everything worked like a baseball game. It would be awesome. I'd want to be like paying for stuff at a store and have a group of people cheer me on with Da Da Da Dannn Da Dannnn CHARRRRGGEEE!!! Or I'll be at church and the priest is like "Matthew 2:12 And God said.." another priest runs out from the pew and runs up to the front. "Alright Father, pack it up. We're gonna sit you out on this one" The other Priest is like "Come on, I got another sermon in me Brother" "Nah, we're gonna bring in the new guy from Nigeria. We need someone to get this crowd going. Hit the holy water Father". Priest walks off all pissed. That's what life needs. It needs someone to toss a beach ball and heckle people out of no where. I would give a million bucks to anyone who would heckle and chant crap at me while I was eating or something. Actually, I wouldn't give a million because I don't have that much. Maybe like $5 or something. Anygay, baseball, gotta love it.

Herrooo Round Eyes...

2008-05-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

Kinda late notice but if you plan on visiting Japan anytime soon, you'll most likly be running into the pink pussy named Hello Kitty. It was announced Monday that Hello Kitty is the official Ambassador of the tourism department. The choice was a difficult one to make as they felt that Mario wasn't too appealing claiming that they were afraid he would jump people like he did to the Goombas and that the lovely pussy loved sushi and actually smelled like fish. So good bye America, Herro Japan..

Donald Trump, still a douche

2008-05-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

Hey What's going on party people. Anyways, I was being lame and browsing through other websites and those celebrity blogs and I saw that Mr. Trump has a blog saying he hates having kids at work, such as bring your children to work day. Seriously Mr. Douche? Are you that much of an idiot? If I didn't read in an interview you gave like 1 year ago, didn't you say how you brought your kids to work so they can see their future careers and working alongside pops? Didn't you say "I used to have my kids sit in my chair so they would know what leadership felt like and get accustomed to it."back in an interview for Yahoo News? Trump, you're a douche and you live on a throne of hairspray and lies. Eat me and I hope one day your business fails one day.

Things I Dont Get...

2008-05-16T12:41:00.001-07:00

So on my lunch I noticed a couple things I just don't get...

Why do homeless people have dogs if they can't even take care of
themselves? Yeah I understand the whole concept of "Mans best friend"
but come on.

Why do older Hispanic men have a love for anything aligator lined like
shoes, belts, and the inside of a Cadillac Escalade? This guy came out
looking like super mario n was sporting the gator look.

Sent from my iPhone

Help Out BATMAN!!!!

2008-05-16T08:23:00.001-07:00

Hey what's going on everyone. For those who aren't in the LA area or don't listen to the Kevin and Bean show on KROQ, they are going to try and get Adam West a star on the Walk of Fame. I e-mailed the show and maybe you can help out Batman get his own star. You can hear the interview at the KROQ.com Podcast that should be up within tomorrow or the coming days. As quoted by Mr. West himself "I was walking down the street and couldn't find it...maybe a transvestite took it." Hilarious guy and great person and he needs this star. So more to come and keep posted...also, going to be setting up some contests to pump up the site and spread the word.

What a gay day....

2008-05-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

So not too long ago, California Supreme Court just announced that they overturned the Gay Marriage Ban in the state. Basically what it comes down to is that Gay's can now marry each other. So congrats, you can now enjoy the finer points of marriage like being nagged at by your spouse and having them interrupt you during a sports game when you have the guys over, this implies to my lovely lesbian friends too. I believe they are called Studs? I don't know. But congrats, it's kind of a huge break through for equal rights. Now if we can get them to over turn another season of Gossip Girls or A Shot at Love with Tila Tequilla, stupid half aborted chiauaua looking blockhead....

I learned a valuble lesson last night...

2008-05-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

Don't heckle a MLB Outfielder from your seat. Last night I was at the game and kept heckling Nick Swisher with glorious chants like "NICOOOOOLAAAASSS" or "Swisher can't READ!!". He turned back a couple times and laughed and pretended to flip me off. He seems like a good guy and a good sport about it all. Well low and behold in the 8th inning, Mr. Swisher steps up to the plate and slams one right over to my direction in Right field. I see him running the bases and laughing. That was the biggest "F U" you could ever do to a fan. He called out my heckling with a home run. Mr. Swisher, I know you will never read this; Not because you don't know my Blog site, but because you actually can't read; but congrats and well played. My Angels are still in first though and your team is still in third.

xoxo
-Ricky
P.S. Predicted Angel Score tonight 4-2. Angels Win.....

Barry can cover his bond...

2008-05-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

So it looks like Mr. Controversial Barry Bonds just got his ass kicked by Uncle Sam himself. Barry was slapped with 15 counts of federal perjury. 15 counts!! It looks like Barry might be making home runs in the pen while tossing some salad. All you had to do was admit that you were taking roids and that was it, why did you have to take it this far. Next in line is Clemens, what idiots. How are you going to lie to the government when they already have all this evidence on you?

That's like telling mom you weren't watching porn and you have a copy of Two Ho's and a Bro sitting by the lotion. Come on!

Why God...Why?

2008-05-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

Seriously...why? Why do we have shows like The Hills or Gossip girl on tv? Can someone answer me this? Why does everyone enjoying watching people, who we hated in high school, live their lives in Hollywood or wherever Gossip Girl is placed? The Hills has to be hands down, the most annoying show I've ever seen in my life. I just don't get the concept. Rich annoying spoiled idiot dates equally rich spoiled annoying idiot, breaks up, cries, get's back together, cries, break up....It's lame. I'm gonna go out and say it...I'd rather watch that alien with the huge forehead Tila Tequilla find love then watch The Hills. Yeah, I know that was a bold statement, but anything is better than watching some douche try and have a music career and has her far superior in douchiness boyfriend as her manager. I watched like 10 minutes of that show on Sunday and I wanted to rip my f-in eyes out. "Oh Audrina your boyfriend just made out with some chick at a bar" then this chick and her gay looking boyfriend sit in a parking lot and talk for an hour about how uncool it was. "Oh my gawd why did you do that! That is so totally uncool like oh my gawd." and to top it off I think she stuck with the guy. I could see if the chicks were good looking, but they aren't. If someone can tell me why this show is enjoyable and can convince me that it is enjoyable to watch, I would be your bitch for a year. Why God...Why would you give the very people I hate a show? Is it because I'm not stuck up or blessed with daddy's money? why God...

-Ricky

Even Jesus Christ couldn't do this...

2008-05-11T22:28:00.001-07:00

iFlickr
Originally uploaded by iblogbetterthanyourmom

For the past 7 hours of my life, I've been trying to upload pictures on the page from my phone...not as easy as it sounds. I'd rather sit through a marathon of The Hills than go through all the pain and anger of trying to upload. Actually I take that back, I can't listen to "Oh no you didnt bitch" or "Like OMG Spencer is such a jerk" for like 24 hours. Well if this picture doesn't upload....the Cucamonga Quakes Monster gets it...

So I finally got this working...

2008-05-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

So I bought a domain name and it looks like everything works. Who would've known for $1.99 you can own a piece of the internet. Don't know if anyone has caught on to this yet, but have you noticed that we're all pretty much addicted to the internet? It's like a part of us. I'm still getting over the Myspace addiction. I'd be looking up scores for the Angel game and I'd catch myself typing Myspace.com instead of Angelsbaseball.com or I'll be upset that I'm not getting e-mail's sent out of new comments and think everyone doesn't like me or something. That's the thing with Myspace, people take it like it's a bad relationship. I've heard numerous times people saying "Umm....why haven't you added me yet? I know you saw the request because it says you read the message." or this masterpiece of a question "Why am I not in your top friends? Huh? What's a matter." The best when you would delete a friend that you don't talk to anymore. Oh man that was a trainwreck. Here's a personal story of me and an old friend from. I haven't talked to this person in years so I deleted it....this all transpired over Myspace Messages...

"Hey man it's *****. I was just kind of looking at my friends list and I noticed my number went down and saw you deleted me. Don't know if you're just getting a new account or what but I thought I'd say what's up. Hope life is treating you right."

A Few hours later...
"Hey Ricky it's me again...yeah um I saw you read that message I sent, don't know if you have time to respond to me or not cause I know you seem like a busy guy from what I read from your comments. Well um..give me a buzz sometime. Maybe we can hang out like old times. Thanks man..."

A Day later
"Yeah man, I saw that you've been reading my messages yet you still don't have time to respond or what. I mean, I see you're leaving comments to your friends but I just wanted to see what was going on. Not really cool man if you're ignoring me. If this is about that time we skated and I made fun of your fall I'm really sorry man. I know it wasn't cool. Just hit me up Ricky. Thanks!"

7 Hours later
"Hey *****, yeah I've been pretty busy and I'm just kind of deleting people I don't talk to so um...sorry man. And no I'm not mad at you. That fall was like 4 years ago so um..yeah I'm kinda over that. Later"

1 Min after I sent that Message
"BRO!!! It's so good to hear from you. Man, it's been ages. Seriously thanks for messaging me back. I was just kind of worried that something happened between us. Hey, I'll send you another friend request so you can add me since we are talking. Talk to you soon man!!"

3 Day's later...
"Not cool man, I saw you deleted my Friend request. It's ok, I have new friends now man so I don't need you. I mean, we didn't really talk anyways so whatever. I'm over it. Have fun with your girlfriend and stuff. I don't need you. I thought we were bros..."

2 Mins
"Look man, that was harsh of me. I didn't mean to come off like that Ricky. Seriously, I'm sorry I'll just leave you alone. Sorry man."

4 hours later
"Yeah so I know you're reading this message and you just choose to respond. I mean, we had a great run. It's all good Ricky. You have your life, I kind of have mine. I just kind of miss the old times. I remember this one time we skated and you tried to kickflip over 4 stairs and you ate shit. Man I laughed so hard. I'm really sorry about laughing. I know that's a sore subject with us. I'm going to take this as a learning experiance Ricky. I'm gonna blog about this and post a bulletin telling all my current friends on my friendslist that I love them. You taught me how to love my friends...Thanks Ricky...Thanks..."

xoxo
-Ricky

Life after the "space"

2008-05-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

So I'm gonna cut back on Myspace for a while and try this blog thing. Myspace is the equivalent to guys watching Project Runway. You watch and follow every little thing of it, but as soon as your friends catch you doing it, you're like "Nah bro, I'm watching it for Heidi Klum". But little do they know, your watching it for the fashion advice. I remember first seeing it and I was like "Yeah, this is gonna be gay and sucky" but by like the third episode I was like "Why is she wearing those heels in that Auburn Dress. It clashes" that's when it hit me, I loved the show. But I'm not afraid to admit it. I like Project Runway. Not just because of Heidi Klum, but because I enjoy the creativity of the designers. Plus, I wanna see some hot model ass. But anyways, I'm gonna just be blogging about stuff and what not. Leave your comments, feedbacks, or tell-offs down below. If anything, ask me any question you want and I will try to answer it. Holler back shawtys. Woot Woot

xoxo
Ricky