Sorry world, I was bangin Heidi Klum again and seemed to have made Southern California move. No need to worry, she's ok.
It's funny how when an earthquake hits Southern California, everyone tends to freak out. Now the rest of the news headlines for the week are going to be "Earthquake Tips for the Home (Are You Prepared?)" "Minor Earthquakes-Sign of the "Big One"? (Are You Prepared?)" or anything else with (Are You Prepared) in it. The good thing about California are that earthquakes are quite frequent as of lately. That means big savings for us. How's that? Well with earthquakes, it's a ride in itself so you wouldn't have to pay for Disneyland of Knotts Berry Farm to get on a Roller Coaster. I think the only time I would ever want an earthquake to hit is when I'm making sweet passionate love to someone. Then as things are being knocked off of the cabinets and dressers, she'd think it was me and not the Earth's plate moving an inch or so.
Oh earthquakes, you sure are something...
UPDATE: ABC 7 is reporting that the 5.0 quake was centered in Inglewood. Correction ABC 7, it was actually center in my bed!! NAILED IT!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
He's just not that into you...
Alright...it's like 12:30 and I just came back from a double date. I'm
just gonna go out and say this...please no one ever set me up on blind
dates or ask me a favor to go on a double date with you because after
tonight, if I don't know the girl I won't go on the date. So after
about two weeks of me talking about how I kinda miss dating, my buddy
Ryan asked me for a favor. No, it wasn't to take him on a date
(although I'm gonna have to question his sexuality after seeing him
wear that Affliction shirt and answering "yes" as to how cool Ed Hardy
designs are.). Apparently this chick he wants to date aka get jiggy
with (are people still saying that?) won't go on a solo date until she
does a double date first. Here's where I come in. So lucky me and
thanks to my big mouth and him persuading me that "it's ok her friend
is hot", I decided to go. So as him and I drive to go pick them up, he
starts telling me his gameplan. In case you don't know guys, our
gameplan is usually get you drunk then see where it goes. 80% it's
nowhere unless your name is Dave Sanchez. So then here's the
kicker...he starts telling me that I have to help him look good by
affirming the lies he told her. Those lies consist of his
volunteering for the elderly, him knowing people in the music
industry, and how he wrestled a bear once. So we meet the girls at
this restaurant and I'm introduced to them. Now my "date" for this
evening was actually extremely pretty. That's a first for a blind
date. I start to think to myself "Hey this ain't so bad" until I over
hear this chick say "Oh I love Heidi and Spencer. They are so cute and
talented". Strike one. In case you didn't get it, she's talking about
that douchey couple from the hills. That guy has a flesh colored
beard...what's so good looking about that? So we talk a little bit and
it turns out the girl Ryan is seeing is big on nature, helping old
people, and is trying to become a singer. Who isn't nowadays? I guess
that's when he motioned me to tell this courageous tale about how he
wrestled a bear to save a campsite of Cub Scouts. So like any good
wingman I sold it. So after this chick starts eating it up, he tells
my date how I'm a stand up comic. This girl starts screeching loudly
about how she loves funny guys then starts asking how much I make from
stand up. So I just kind of say I do ok and she cuts me off asking me
what car I drive. That's when it hit me, this chick is a gold digger.
I tell her I drive a G6 and her face erupted with a luminous smile,
kind of like that time I rocked Heidi Klum's world back at Cabo '94.
She asks "since you drive a foreign car, is the steering wheel on the
other side". I look at Ryan kind of perplexed and I inform her that
its a Pontaic and not a foreign car. There goes the smile. So after a
long dinner full of celebrity gossip and how Rodeo Dr. is getting
swamped with tourists, I start thinking of a plan to McGuiver my way
out of the date. I excuse myself from the table to try and text
friends for an excuse then all of a sudden I hear "Who are you
texting.". I turn around...and its gold digger McGee. I tell her im
checking the scores of the baseball games and she just starts rambling
on about how much she hates baseball and sports. So we both head back
to the table and shes still rambling on about what she hates which
include the homeless, guys who dont pay, and hard cupcakes from
Spinkles. So she starts telling how hard this cupcake was and I look
at Ryan and I say "thats what she said" and this girl has no idea what
Im talking about. We try to explain the joke but she still doesn't get
it. After the Millionth time of explaining it, she tells us she
doesn't get video games either and particularly Rock Band. I'll spare
you the trouble of the rest of the ranting.
just gonna go out and say this...please no one ever set me up on blind
dates or ask me a favor to go on a double date with you because after
tonight, if I don't know the girl I won't go on the date. So after
about two weeks of me talking about how I kinda miss dating, my buddy
Ryan asked me for a favor. No, it wasn't to take him on a date
(although I'm gonna have to question his sexuality after seeing him
wear that Affliction shirt and answering "yes" as to how cool Ed Hardy
designs are.). Apparently this chick he wants to date aka get jiggy
with (are people still saying that?) won't go on a solo date until she
does a double date first. Here's where I come in. So lucky me and
thanks to my big mouth and him persuading me that "it's ok her friend
is hot", I decided to go. So as him and I drive to go pick them up, he
starts telling me his gameplan. In case you don't know guys, our
gameplan is usually get you drunk then see where it goes. 80% it's
nowhere unless your name is Dave Sanchez. So then here's the
kicker...he starts telling me that I have to help him look good by
affirming the lies he told her. Those lies consist of his
volunteering for the elderly, him knowing people in the music
industry, and how he wrestled a bear once. So we meet the girls at
this restaurant and I'm introduced to them. Now my "date" for this
evening was actually extremely pretty. That's a first for a blind
date. I start to think to myself "Hey this ain't so bad" until I over
hear this chick say "Oh I love Heidi and Spencer. They are so cute and
talented". Strike one. In case you didn't get it, she's talking about
that douchey couple from the hills. That guy has a flesh colored
beard...what's so good looking about that? So we talk a little bit and
it turns out the girl Ryan is seeing is big on nature, helping old
people, and is trying to become a singer. Who isn't nowadays? I guess
that's when he motioned me to tell this courageous tale about how he
wrestled a bear to save a campsite of Cub Scouts. So like any good
wingman I sold it. So after this chick starts eating it up, he tells
my date how I'm a stand up comic. This girl starts screeching loudly
about how she loves funny guys then starts asking how much I make from
stand up. So I just kind of say I do ok and she cuts me off asking me
what car I drive. That's when it hit me, this chick is a gold digger.
I tell her I drive a G6 and her face erupted with a luminous smile,
kind of like that time I rocked Heidi Klum's world back at Cabo '94.
She asks "since you drive a foreign car, is the steering wheel on the
other side". I look at Ryan kind of perplexed and I inform her that
its a Pontaic and not a foreign car. There goes the smile. So after a
long dinner full of celebrity gossip and how Rodeo Dr. is getting
swamped with tourists, I start thinking of a plan to McGuiver my way
out of the date. I excuse myself from the table to try and text
friends for an excuse then all of a sudden I hear "Who are you
texting.". I turn around...and its gold digger McGee. I tell her im
checking the scores of the baseball games and she just starts rambling
on about how much she hates baseball and sports. So we both head back
to the table and shes still rambling on about what she hates which
include the homeless, guys who dont pay, and hard cupcakes from
Spinkles. So she starts telling how hard this cupcake was and I look
at Ryan and I say "thats what she said" and this girl has no idea what
Im talking about. We try to explain the joke but she still doesn't get
it. After the Millionth time of explaining it, she tells us she
doesn't get video games either and particularly Rock Band. I'll spare
you the trouble of the rest of the ranting.
You're probably wondering what happened after. Well apparently she
really "likes me" and is a good listener. She wrote down her number,
but I proceeded to toss it out on the 10 Freeway. I don't care how hot
you are or how long it's been since I laid the love down on Ms. Klum,
I'm not gonna settle for someone with no personality nor someone who
doesn't get "Thats what she said". As for now, i got a free meal out
of Ryan so that favor is dead and gone ha. Time to practice waking up
at 3:33 again.
-Ricky
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, April 24, 2009
Life update and Angel Stadium Review!!!
Hey there everyone! So I'm knee deep in work dealing with a few projects under my belt. First one is The Letter Writing Project. I'm still busy writing strangers letters from all over the world and it's good to hear back from those of you who wrote back. Don't know how many of the people I write actually check my blog or found me through Twitter or Myspace, but it's just good to hear a good response.
Second, I'm in the middle of making a band. It's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be ha, but I'm just having fun with it. Still looking for a singer a more members but it'll come when it comes. Here's the link to check out the site. I'm calling it Send Out The Search Party
Finally, I wrote a review for EventChaser. It's a site sponsored by Razor Gator.com where you can purchase Los Angeles Angels tickets. Needless to say, I LOVE the site. Here's where my review of Angel Stadium is at! Be sure to leave some comments and hey, even start an EventChaser account as well. Thanks for the support and write some funny stuff later. I'm working on some videos.
-Ricky
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Letter Writing Project- Week 2
Holy crapzilla this thing is blowing up like my mom's cooking. Well I got a TON of AMAZING response from people wanting to do participate in The Letter Writing Project. For the meantime, the new HQ of the ordeal will be at Myspace.com/TheLetterWritingProject. If you don't have a Myspace, go to the site anyways because I'm leaving it on Public view. Also, e-mail me at TheLetterWritingProject@gmail.com in pertaining to anything involving this cause. It's pretty gnarly that in one week alone, I've been getting a grip of e-mails.
Also, I want to just thank PassionforLetters.com, MissiveMaven.blogspot.com, and PostMuse. From you three I have gotten a few responses from your fellow bloggers and it's great to know that there are people out there still letter writing. Hopefully I can get the younger crowds to continue this whole thing.
That's it for now since I have to do a lot more stuff with this project. The more letters I send, the better this Project will get! Spread the word!
-Ricky
Also, I want to just thank PassionforLetters.com, MissiveMaven.blogspot.com, and PostMuse. From you three I have gotten a few responses from your fellow bloggers and it's great to know that there are people out there still letter writing. Hopefully I can get the younger crowds to continue this whole thing.
That's it for now since I have to do a lot more stuff with this project. The more letters I send, the better this Project will get! Spread the word!
-Ricky
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Letter Writing Project- Day 1
What it do everyone? So I’ve been mumbling over this project that I have wanted to do for quite some time now. Plus, it’ll keep me busy while I have writers block on writing. Basically, I want to bring back letter writing.
Every year, there’s only one day that I actually get something hand written. As you can guess, it’s on my birthday. Although it’s not a thoroughly written letter, just having someone take the time to write something is pretty awesome. The only items we ever get in the mail now a days are bills, advertisements, and if you subscribe to this, Playboy. We hardly get postcards sent to us from our friends on vacations or even just from a family member writing a “Hey how are you? Johnny is in jail again and Mary Sue is pregnant at 18…again.” type of letter. It’s always done through e-mail, a text, or a picture message of Johnny being detained by the police. Well, I plan to bring back letter writing. Although I don’t have the greatest of penmanship or draw cute little hearts above my i’s, I want to start writing letters like the good ol days. Granted I was born in ’86 and the internet was hashed out by the time I was smart enough to Google boobs, I want to get this done.
So how am I going to do this? Well, I have no idea. I’ll probably just start promoting something on Twitter, Myspace, and the 18 friends I have on Facebook because I still don’t know how to look up people. Like all my other “ideas” I’m sure this one will fade out. Who knows though. It’s not like I’m setting up the World’s Largest Dodge ball game again or trying to start an indoor soccer team (both of those items are epic FAIL’s on my end) so maybe I can actually get random people who want me, some stranger and non-celebrity, to write them a letter. So if you want me to write you a letter email me at iBlogBetterThanYourMom@gmail.com with your name, address (or P.O. Box) and I will be sure to write you a random letter. It doesn't matter whether you live down the street from me, in the state of California, up in the boonies of Kentucky (I'm looking at your direction Andrew) or even in another country. I will write you a letter. If I’m rich enough, I’ll buy you return stamps so you can write back to me. I’m just a guy who wants to bring back the thrill of expecting a letter (other than a collection notice) in the mail again. I’ll be seeing you around everyone. Please if you can, pass on this site and the Letter Writing Project. Also if you can, write your friends letters. It'll make their day.
-Ricky
Every year, there’s only one day that I actually get something hand written. As you can guess, it’s on my birthday. Although it’s not a thoroughly written letter, just having someone take the time to write something is pretty awesome. The only items we ever get in the mail now a days are bills, advertisements, and if you subscribe to this, Playboy. We hardly get postcards sent to us from our friends on vacations or even just from a family member writing a “Hey how are you? Johnny is in jail again and Mary Sue is pregnant at 18…again.” type of letter. It’s always done through e-mail, a text, or a picture message of Johnny being detained by the police. Well, I plan to bring back letter writing. Although I don’t have the greatest of penmanship or draw cute little hearts above my i’s, I want to start writing letters like the good ol days. Granted I was born in ’86 and the internet was hashed out by the time I was smart enough to Google boobs, I want to get this done.
So how am I going to do this? Well, I have no idea. I’ll probably just start promoting something on Twitter, Myspace, and the 18 friends I have on Facebook because I still don’t know how to look up people. Like all my other “ideas” I’m sure this one will fade out. Who knows though. It’s not like I’m setting up the World’s Largest Dodge ball game again or trying to start an indoor soccer team (both of those items are epic FAIL’s on my end) so maybe I can actually get random people who want me, some stranger and non-celebrity, to write them a letter. So if you want me to write you a letter email me at iBlogBetterThanYourMom@gmail.com with your name, address (or P.O. Box) and I will be sure to write you a random letter. It doesn't matter whether you live down the street from me, in the state of California, up in the boonies of Kentucky (I'm looking at your direction Andrew) or even in another country. I will write you a letter. If I’m rich enough, I’ll buy you return stamps so you can write back to me. I’m just a guy who wants to bring back the thrill of expecting a letter (other than a collection notice) in the mail again. I’ll be seeing you around everyone. Please if you can, pass on this site and the Letter Writing Project. Also if you can, write your friends letters. It'll make their day.
-Ricky
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Best Site Ever. Check it out.
Hey everyone what is going on? Well finally after being a blogger and getting myself out there, I have finally been given a pretty sweet opportunity. As you know, I go out constantly to places all over California whether it is concerts, sporting events, or just new places. Thanks to this new site called EventChaser.com, they are giving me the opportunity to do two things I love. Those are going to new places and to be able to share my experience with everyone else.
Event Chaser is a blogging site sponsored by RazorGator.com where bloggers are given free or discounted tickets for different events and blog about the venues and nearby places to check out. Razor Gator is an online ticketing agency similar to Ticketmaster or LiveNation but only better. Not only do they have tickets for concerts and sporting events, they even have tickets to special event such as the upcoming Bamboozle Left and Theater Tickets.
When you get the chance, go click on the orange banner on the side of this blog. It will link you over to EventChaser.com where you can check the site out for yourself. Also, be sure to check out RazorGator.com as well the next time you want to purchase some tickets for the next sporting event, concert, or theater performance. For my first post on their site, I'll hopefully be going to the Angels vs Padres game this Saturday on the 4th. I'm stoked to work further with Event Chaser. See you around!
-Ricky
Side Note- Thanks for checking out my friend Anna's blog. I know most of you have sent me e-mails or already started going over there and leaving comments. So keep on giving her support at From London With Love. Thanks everyone.
Event Chaser is a blogging site sponsored by RazorGator.com where bloggers are given free or discounted tickets for different events and blog about the venues and nearby places to check out. Razor Gator is an online ticketing agency similar to Ticketmaster or LiveNation but only better. Not only do they have tickets for concerts and sporting events, they even have tickets to special event such as the upcoming Bamboozle Left and Theater Tickets.
When you get the chance, go click on the orange banner on the side of this blog. It will link you over to EventChaser.com where you can check the site out for yourself. Also, be sure to check out RazorGator.com as well the next time you want to purchase some tickets for the next sporting event, concert, or theater performance. For my first post on their site, I'll hopefully be going to the Angels vs Padres game this Saturday on the 4th. I'm stoked to work further with Event Chaser. See you around!
-Ricky
Side Note- Thanks for checking out my friend Anna's blog. I know most of you have sent me e-mails or already started going over there and leaving comments. So keep on giving her support at From London With Love. Thanks everyone.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Another Fine Morning...
Disappointment. That’s what I woke up with this morning. Earlier this morning while I arose to some tunes on my iPhone, I started freaking out. Not because I awoke to a tranny again but because I could see. When I mean see, I mean I had perfect vision without my glasses. I was jumping up and throwing my fists in the air like I just nailed Heidi Klum and had the biggest smile on my face. As I was running around outside trying to look at this new world with my 20/20 vision, my right eye started to get blurry. I started yelling “No no no no” then the left one was blurry again. I started screaming like Arnold in Total Recall with a bloodcurdling “NOOOOOOOOO!!” Needless to say I was devastated when I couldn’t see anything anymore. Then, my little dog Charlie walked over to me and licked my face then started barking to the floor. After telling him to shut up a few times I noticed something sparkling. It was a contact. I forgot that last night, like the nerd that I am, I decided to wear contacts instead of my glasses because my glasses fog up. That’s probably the nerdiest thing I can ever say on this blog. I really don’t get how I forgot about me wearing contacts. Last night I went to the gas station and saw a friend of mine. She kept saying how different I look without my glasses. I don’t get why everyone thinks people look completely different without glasses. If that was the case, I’d be dining and dashing everywhere I go. Once I get the check, I would just take off my glasses stand up and take like two steps from the table. Waiter “Where was the gentleman with the glasses?” Me without glasses “Oh that a-hole just took off. He started saying how you were never going to catch him.” Waiter “Son of a…” then leaves. I feel a lot more comfortable with my glasses on. Without them, I just look like a freshly crossed illegal immigrant with a bad farmers tan and snarky eyes. Plus I can do that dramatic removal of the glasses that Jim Gaffigan talks about. When chicks wear glasses, I just want to walk up to them and gently remove them, brush their hair to the side and say “You go be prom queen.” Then hand them the glasses back and walk away. Also, chicks in glasses look hot. That’s a fact. I saw it in National Geographic. Til next time. I need to get ready for school.
-Ricky
Ps. Totally almost forgot. Make sure to go read my friend Anna’s Blog "From London With Love". She just left a few days ago to London to study abroad and will be blogging and uploading photos on it. So go leave some love on her blog and if you’ve been to London, give her some pointers and hot spots. Holler.
-Ricky
Ps. Totally almost forgot. Make sure to go read my friend Anna’s Blog "From London With Love". She just left a few days ago to London to study abroad and will be blogging and uploading photos on it. So go leave some love on her blog and if you’ve been to London, give her some pointers and hot spots. Holler.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Seriously Vince?
I'm sure a ton of you already heard about this yesterday, but the ShamWow guy was arrested for biting a hookers tongue a month ago. You can read more of the story at The Smoking Gun and see some of the pictures they put up. There's a few things I find kind of unsettling about the whole situation. The first item up for debate is the whole kissing a hooker thing. From watching Pretty Woman and my own experience on purchasing a hooker, I thought you couldn't kiss them on the lips. Actually, why would anyone want to kiss a prostitute on the lips anyways? Do you know how many chubbies have been in that mouth? The fact that another guys smoked sausage was in it kind of turns me off from ever kissing someone on the mouth. Yes, I do know a lot of girls have licked Otter Pops but I'm talking about chicks that bust tricks to make a living. I'm not talking about Mary Sue from down the street who occasionally does it because of her Daddy issues. Secondly, four punches Vince? It took you four to five punches to knock out this chick who was biting your tongue? Dude, you're in a hotel room for Christ sakes. Use that clap on lamp they have sitting on the credenza and wigwam that chick in the face. I don't condone hitting a chick at all don't get me wrong; but when she's either chomping on your tongue or your frank and beans that deserves some retaliation. My final thought on this whole situation is why that chick? She looks like like a plain Jane. If I'm going to get a hooker, it's going to be some big titted exotic chick from South America or Europe not some chick who looks like she works the swing shift at a TGIFridays. This chick looks like she'd suck a Canadian Bacon for $50. Come on Vince, Billie Mays wouldn't pull this shit. And if he did, he'd do it with style and class.
-Ricky
Playlist
-New Cursive Cd
-Saves the Day
-Ricky
Playlist
-New Cursive Cd
-Saves the Day
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Time to get a little more serious...
This isn’t going to be an LOL LMAO ROTFL kind of blog. It’s just something more for me and whoever really cares about some stuff. Basically, I just kind of need to get this off of my chest.
Anyone who knows me knows about my past relationship. If you don’t, well…I’m sure you can just skim through the archive and check it out; or come to a stand up show. Not a week goes by where someone asks me if I’m over the break up and for the past 8 months I’ve been saying yes. Unfortunately, I was pretty much far from over it. Those who actually know me clearly know I’m lying. I wasn’t necessarily still in love with my ex, I was more upset about the situation and how it was handled. When the break up happened, I was pretty devastated. Yes, I was the one that did the break up but the reason for it was out of my hand. We tried the whole “let’s be friend’s thing.” and that just didn’t work for us. I’m sure other people can handle being around their ex but once they start dating other people and you see the person you love practically make out with someone other than you, it pretty much kills your spirit. With the break up, I just felt like it was worse for me because of a few factors. 1) We dated for almost 5-6 years 2) We tried the friend’s thing and unfortunately she asked me for advice about why this guy hooked up with her and doesn’t like her. 3) last but not least, she lives about a few houses down from me so every day since June, I would see this guy and her pretty much make out in the front yard every morning when I’d go to the work and come back. I don’t care how proud you are, seeing that every day gets to you. So to the main point of why I’m writing this. After all this time (a year and 4 months to be exact) I can honestly say I’m pretty much over it and moved on. During the relationship, I gave my ex this promise ring. I kept the promise for a pretty long ass time and after it ended, I pretty much kept it in a box. It was just me holding on to the last few good memories we had. I don’t know if it’s the music I’ve been listening to lately, the finding of my new career, or just people I’m hanging around with but I got rid of the ring. To me, it was the beginning of me accepting being single and the craziness of the whole lame dating scene. Although I’m getting tired of the friend’s zone, I still have never been happier in my life and I can honestly say that and not lie to anyone. Now, it’s time to celebrate this occasion and watch movies tonight. I’m just really happy with where I’m at.
Til next time
-Ricky
Ps. Ace Enders and a Million Different People song “New Guitar” is just one of the factors of why I got rid of the ring. Feel free to guess the other factors.
Anyone who knows me knows about my past relationship. If you don’t, well…I’m sure you can just skim through the archive and check it out; or come to a stand up show. Not a week goes by where someone asks me if I’m over the break up and for the past 8 months I’ve been saying yes. Unfortunately, I was pretty much far from over it. Those who actually know me clearly know I’m lying. I wasn’t necessarily still in love with my ex, I was more upset about the situation and how it was handled. When the break up happened, I was pretty devastated. Yes, I was the one that did the break up but the reason for it was out of my hand. We tried the whole “let’s be friend’s thing.” and that just didn’t work for us. I’m sure other people can handle being around their ex but once they start dating other people and you see the person you love practically make out with someone other than you, it pretty much kills your spirit. With the break up, I just felt like it was worse for me because of a few factors. 1) We dated for almost 5-6 years 2) We tried the friend’s thing and unfortunately she asked me for advice about why this guy hooked up with her and doesn’t like her. 3) last but not least, she lives about a few houses down from me so every day since June, I would see this guy and her pretty much make out in the front yard every morning when I’d go to the work and come back. I don’t care how proud you are, seeing that every day gets to you. So to the main point of why I’m writing this. After all this time (a year and 4 months to be exact) I can honestly say I’m pretty much over it and moved on. During the relationship, I gave my ex this promise ring. I kept the promise for a pretty long ass time and after it ended, I pretty much kept it in a box. It was just me holding on to the last few good memories we had. I don’t know if it’s the music I’ve been listening to lately, the finding of my new career, or just people I’m hanging around with but I got rid of the ring. To me, it was the beginning of me accepting being single and the craziness of the whole lame dating scene. Although I’m getting tired of the friend’s zone, I still have never been happier in my life and I can honestly say that and not lie to anyone. Now, it’s time to celebrate this occasion and watch movies tonight. I’m just really happy with where I’m at.
Til next time
-Ricky
Ps. Ace Enders and a Million Different People song “New Guitar” is just one of the factors of why I got rid of the ring. Feel free to guess the other factors.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I live a life like a movie...
Forgive me for the way this blog looks. I'm doing this blog on my
super cool iPhone since I'm waiting around for the next class.
I've been hearing a lot more of the saying "you're life is like a
movie.". I don't know if it's the fact that I took up screenwriting or
if my life is kinda like "The Truman Show", but I've been kind of been
thinking about it more and more. I mean, it's kinda true. I know
cougars have been on the rise on the "Things you gotta do before you
die." chart. As well as they should. But have any of you actually done
it with an older person? Or elderly I should say? Well don't believe
the hype. Just because people say that all gum is better doesn't mean
it's true. If you wanted that feeling of a 67 year old woman named
Mabels giving you a good ol fashion butter churn, just go eat a banana
and don't throw away the peel. Yes, you can thank me later fellas. On
top of that, when you are giving it to them in their plastic covered
bedding, the safety railing on the side of the bed get in the way from
you moving around. Again, don't believe the hype of cougars. Stick
with the prego woman because like I heard someone said "they are the
turduckets of women.".
Other than my weird dating lifestyle, I can't seem to get a job. I get
a ton of interviews but none seem to patch out in the end for me. This
guy asked me "What can you bring to this company?" my answer was "Um I
don't know. Probably my Xbox or a stapler? I don't really have a lot
which is where you come in." I had this other interview where I know I
didn't get the job for sure. When they actually ask you "What are you
wearing." during an interview and your answer is "Sorry Sir/Mam.
Karate class ran a little late today." it's a sign you didn't get the
job.
As far fetched and movie like as it is, I'm starting to realize why
everyone has been telling me that. So when does the bus load of
Playboy models stop next to me and ask me to be their lotioner or
someone gives me a 3 minute speech about how they like me while it's
pouring rain outside?
super cool iPhone since I'm waiting around for the next class.
I've been hearing a lot more of the saying "you're life is like a
movie.". I don't know if it's the fact that I took up screenwriting or
if my life is kinda like "The Truman Show", but I've been kind of been
thinking about it more and more. I mean, it's kinda true. I know
cougars have been on the rise on the "Things you gotta do before you
die." chart. As well as they should. But have any of you actually done
it with an older person? Or elderly I should say? Well don't believe
the hype. Just because people say that all gum is better doesn't mean
it's true. If you wanted that feeling of a 67 year old woman named
Mabels giving you a good ol fashion butter churn, just go eat a banana
and don't throw away the peel. Yes, you can thank me later fellas. On
top of that, when you are giving it to them in their plastic covered
bedding, the safety railing on the side of the bed get in the way from
you moving around. Again, don't believe the hype of cougars. Stick
with the prego woman because like I heard someone said "they are the
turduckets of women.".
Other than my weird dating lifestyle, I can't seem to get a job. I get
a ton of interviews but none seem to patch out in the end for me. This
guy asked me "What can you bring to this company?" my answer was "Um I
don't know. Probably my Xbox or a stapler? I don't really have a lot
which is where you come in." I had this other interview where I know I
didn't get the job for sure. When they actually ask you "What are you
wearing." during an interview and your answer is "Sorry Sir/Mam.
Karate class ran a little late today." it's a sign you didn't get the
job.
As far fetched and movie like as it is, I'm starting to realize why
everyone has been telling me that. So when does the bus load of
Playboy models stop next to me and ask me to be their lotioner or
someone gives me a 3 minute speech about how they like me while it's
pouring rain outside?
-Ricky
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, March 22, 2009
An Open Letter..
Dear Alcohol,
You know, I was first introduced to you thanks to my Grandpa at the age of 14. I didn’t really like you at first because the taste of you on my lips was like that time I took a piss in my bed and somehow woke up on the other end of the bed. It wasn’t really a great first impression. Although as I grew older; I started to realize how fun you could be. Oh boy did we have some great times. I remember this one time I went to town on you like a 12 year old discovering masturbation and just started yelling out to random people that “I would fuck you all”. This other time, I remember waking up on the beach next to the scream of a majestic seagull. Although I stole some guys car to get to the beach the night before, but I didn’t know that until I was 8 minutes on the 405. True story. I can’t really say I don’t like you, because we know I do. If I had the chance, I’d want you in me every night (that’s what she said). It’s just…it’s not you, it’s me. I can’t really hold you like I used to. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting a little older, or if my old ways of drinking you directly from a handle of Vodka are coming back to get me. Karma’s an angry bitch and I don’t want to be around when the time of the month comes. I think you and I just need a little break for a bit. Maybe we’ll grow closer as time heals all, but if I keep having you around it’s going to destroy me. This morning when I woke up, it felt like an elephant just skull fucked me. I didn’t even know elephants could do that. It’s time to get those ivory tusks out of my ass and start focusing on myself. So Alcohol, it’s been a good run. We made it to 100 episodes and now we’re gonna be syndicated. I have stories for years to come but for the next few weeks or months, I’m going to try and not see you as much as I usually do. Like any other break up, I’m sure we’re going to try to be friends and casually see each other once in a while. I’m almost more than positive we’ll do that after break-up hook up. I just want to let you know that I won’t be around for a while. I’m sorry…but I have to take care of myself. I’ll be seeing you around. I bagged up your empty bottles and I’ll be taking them to the recycling center. I haven’t quite kicked my cocaine addiction. You know how that is.
-Ricky
You know, I was first introduced to you thanks to my Grandpa at the age of 14. I didn’t really like you at first because the taste of you on my lips was like that time I took a piss in my bed and somehow woke up on the other end of the bed. It wasn’t really a great first impression. Although as I grew older; I started to realize how fun you could be. Oh boy did we have some great times. I remember this one time I went to town on you like a 12 year old discovering masturbation and just started yelling out to random people that “I would fuck you all”. This other time, I remember waking up on the beach next to the scream of a majestic seagull. Although I stole some guys car to get to the beach the night before, but I didn’t know that until I was 8 minutes on the 405. True story. I can’t really say I don’t like you, because we know I do. If I had the chance, I’d want you in me every night (that’s what she said). It’s just…it’s not you, it’s me. I can’t really hold you like I used to. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting a little older, or if my old ways of drinking you directly from a handle of Vodka are coming back to get me. Karma’s an angry bitch and I don’t want to be around when the time of the month comes. I think you and I just need a little break for a bit. Maybe we’ll grow closer as time heals all, but if I keep having you around it’s going to destroy me. This morning when I woke up, it felt like an elephant just skull fucked me. I didn’t even know elephants could do that. It’s time to get those ivory tusks out of my ass and start focusing on myself. So Alcohol, it’s been a good run. We made it to 100 episodes and now we’re gonna be syndicated. I have stories for years to come but for the next few weeks or months, I’m going to try and not see you as much as I usually do. Like any other break up, I’m sure we’re going to try to be friends and casually see each other once in a while. I’m almost more than positive we’ll do that after break-up hook up. I just want to let you know that I won’t be around for a while. I’m sorry…but I have to take care of myself. I’ll be seeing you around. I bagged up your empty bottles and I’ll be taking them to the recycling center. I haven’t quite kicked my cocaine addiction. You know how that is.
-Ricky
Saturday, March 14, 2009
So here's what I know...
Hey there people. So I told myself I was going to take it easy tonight since I'm always out an about like a hooker on the streets of Sunset Blvd trying to bust tricks. And by tricks, I mean sucking dick for money. I guess I should take the time to write a blog. This week has been pretty exciting and I know the rest of the month is going to be pretty gnarly. I've been kind of keeping track with the kids of today and decided to take the time to look up some things that everyone has been talking about lately and give my opinion. Hopefully you find it funny or entertaining...
about three of these guys come up and tell the bouncer "Yo, do we gots to wait in the line." the bouncer clearly looks at us and yes "nah dawgs come on in.". Thank God the Slidebar was right next door, other wise we'd still be waiting in line. F You Commonwealth Bar and Lounge. F You...
- Lady Gaga - I don't know if any guy has physically checked her out, but this is her. She reminds me of one of the villains that would summon the Putty's and try to kick the shit out of the Power Rangers. She sings a bunch of electro-pop songs and I've been hearing her name more and more lately. Probably because of the fact she refers to a penis as "Disco Stick". Although I'm not into the music at all, I can help but say that I haven't been this excited about a synonym since Lil Jon started getting "Skeet Skeet Skeet" on the radio.
seriously though, the chick in black is really a singer.
- Irish Pubs - Not what they used to be. I went to Downtown Fullerton to meet up my friend Anna at this place called Brannagins. (I'm pretty sure I messed up the spelling like they fucked up Irish tradition). This place was actually pretty neat. It kind of looked like Ireland some how broke off from Europe, floated over to Fullerton, and its butt threw up on this building. Guinness signs everywhere, Shamrocks galore, a leprechaun in the bathroom handing you wet naps and hot towels. They even have a countdown clock at the top of the bar that ends on St. Paddy's Day. My only gripe is the music. Now, when you go to an Irish Pub, you want to experience everything. From the drunks to the Green Beer (which they do have), you want to be able to enjoy it in whole. However, this place was BLASTIN hip hop, rap, and reggatone. I don't know too many Irish rappers and I'm pretty sure Eminem doesn't make the cut as Irish. I wanted to hear some Neil Diamond, Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly...shit, even the bagpipes they play at funerals. Nothin. I had to drink my Guinness to "Back seat, windows up, that's the way I like to FUCK". At least I got crunk. Holler at cha boy
- I'm not as cool as I think - So as we're in Fullerton have a pretty fun night, we ended up bar hopping. Like any other bar, you run into lines. Some are longer than others. This particular bar, there were two other guys. So we have 4 girls and 3 guys in our group. Now, we wait for about 7 minutes and after seeing a few people come out of the place, the bouncer doesn't let anyone in. Thankfully one of the girls spoke with the bouncer and was able to work some magic. Unfortunately, it didn't include us guys. As the girls went on in, us guys were left in line watching all sorts of douches come in and out of the place. Then, this is when I realized I wasn't cool. As we're standing against the wall like a fly on shit, I see three guys walk past us and go straight to the bouncer. Now, before I can go on and try to describe them in words...I'm pretty sure this picture can do it better...
about three of these guys come up and tell the bouncer "Yo, do we gots to wait in the line." the bouncer clearly looks at us and yes "nah dawgs come on in.". Thank God the Slidebar was right next door, other wise we'd still be waiting in line. F You Commonwealth Bar and Lounge. F You...Anyways, fun little week and this week is going to be even better. Blog you later.
-Ricky
Ps. I'm gonna make sure that saying is trademarked "Blog you later."
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I'm still alive...
What's happening everyone. I have been the busiest I've ever been in my life. So much going on and I don't have time for a lot of things. Well first thing first, stand up is going great. A little too great. I'm probably gonna take some time off of it and do some more writing for jokes and hopefully finish writing this script I'm working on. I've had a few people read it and so far so good. It's still nerve racking to write this thing. On top of that, I'm the new manager for my sisters band Atalanta. Now this is probably the funniest thing I have been up to. There's so much stuff to learn that I'm probably going to bring the band down before I learn anything from this. Lucky for me, they made it to the Semi-Finals of this Battle of the Bands contest. The winner plays at Bamboozle Left. I have a ton of funny ideas for them to hopefully spread the word around for them so I need to get on to that.
That's pretty much everything for the meantime. I'll writing something more topical later. I just have to figure out how I'm going to eat my cereal since there's no milk. I'm probably going to use Orange Juice again.
-Ricky
That's pretty much everything for the meantime. I'll writing something more topical later. I just have to figure out how I'm going to eat my cereal since there's no milk. I'm probably going to use Orange Juice again.
-Ricky
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Ricardo Marquez- 2009 Vans Warped Tour Pit Reporter (Well trying to become one)
So I just Filled out (very quickly and not so pretty might I add) my application and video audition to be the new Pit Reporter for the Vans Warped Tour. First off, I’m going up against 250 applicants. The question of “Do you feel like you have an honest shot at this?” and I’m going to go out there and say, probably not. However, a guy can dream right? Most of my inner self is telling me “Dude, does a bear shit in the woods? You got this.” So that gives me some hope. Well in light of my audition and the 15th year of Warped, I decided to let anyone who reads this as well as the people who are deciding who becomes the next reporter (since they should be checking my site out) 15 fun facts about me. Hopefully the Warped Tour peeps will enjoy this somewhat…
1. I almost killed Bob Barker with a monstrous Hi-Five while on stage during my 15 minutes of fame on The Price is Right. I immediately saved his life by pulling out and doing the robot. Yes, there is footage of this floating around out there.
2. Stevie Wonder actually came to perform a private concert in my second grade class. I didn’t know who he was at the time, but I remember bragging to everyone about what just happen. Pictures are being sold to TMZ as we speak.
3. I love my 15 minutes of fame. I’m actually an internet International sensation. A few years ago I spotted a Spanish news anchor doing a live report at Universal City Walk in Hollywood, CA. Like the idiot in me, I decided to do the robot (it’s really all I got) and start popping my head like a gopher around the crowd.
4. I have crowd surfed only once in my life and that was during the 2008 Vans Warped Tour during an Every Time I Die set. It took about 6 guys to get me up. I then proceeded to crush 3 girls. I still made it over the barrier.
5. I have done a stand up set in front of some well known celebrities and my favorite comedian of all time, Mel Brooks. I cried like I just watched the Notebook when I met him.
6. I have beat Super Mario Bros 1 on Nintendo in 5 Minutes. Thrilling, I know.
7. Heidi Klum and I have a pretty serious connection. Well, I’d like to think so but I was on a photo-shoot with her and did make her laugh as well as Marissa Miller. Great Times
8. A local radio station, KROQ 106.7, actually spent 20 minutes talking to me about how much I hate tip jars. I was so awesome, they decided to have me take on callers in which I did so comically
9. I’ve actually scared the big scary mutant guy on The Hills Have Eyes at a small event. Of course it was the actor, not the actual mutant. I’m sure I’d crap my pants if I saw that.
10. I have not been scared of a horror movie since I was 5. I’m un-scareable. Is that a word?
11. I have met all 104 of my Myspace friends at least twice in my life. Even my friend in Kentucky.
12. I’ve been to more states in the Country of Mexico than I have in the United States. This is actually kind of sad. I have family all over central Mexico
13. I’m pretty sure I have a membership to almost every social networking site known to man.
14. I actually hate using public bathrooms. Which I’m sure if I do end up getting this Pit Reporter job then I’ll get over that real quick.
15. I completely switched my education path. In turn, I have to start my entire college education over. Went from being a Doctor, to writing about one. I’m a Creative English Writing major. Trying to be a screenwriter.
Well, that was a little hard to do. Hopefully this somehow impresses them and shows them that I at least have personality. Then again, that’s usually what ugly people say. Personality is all I got. Til next time.
Xoxo
-Ricky
1. I almost killed Bob Barker with a monstrous Hi-Five while on stage during my 15 minutes of fame on The Price is Right. I immediately saved his life by pulling out and doing the robot. Yes, there is footage of this floating around out there.
2. Stevie Wonder actually came to perform a private concert in my second grade class. I didn’t know who he was at the time, but I remember bragging to everyone about what just happen. Pictures are being sold to TMZ as we speak.
3. I love my 15 minutes of fame. I’m actually an internet International sensation. A few years ago I spotted a Spanish news anchor doing a live report at Universal City Walk in Hollywood, CA. Like the idiot in me, I decided to do the robot (it’s really all I got) and start popping my head like a gopher around the crowd.
4. I have crowd surfed only once in my life and that was during the 2008 Vans Warped Tour during an Every Time I Die set. It took about 6 guys to get me up. I then proceeded to crush 3 girls. I still made it over the barrier.
5. I have done a stand up set in front of some well known celebrities and my favorite comedian of all time, Mel Brooks. I cried like I just watched the Notebook when I met him.
6. I have beat Super Mario Bros 1 on Nintendo in 5 Minutes. Thrilling, I know.
7. Heidi Klum and I have a pretty serious connection. Well, I’d like to think so but I was on a photo-shoot with her and did make her laugh as well as Marissa Miller. Great Times
8. A local radio station, KROQ 106.7, actually spent 20 minutes talking to me about how much I hate tip jars. I was so awesome, they decided to have me take on callers in which I did so comically
9. I’ve actually scared the big scary mutant guy on The Hills Have Eyes at a small event. Of course it was the actor, not the actual mutant. I’m sure I’d crap my pants if I saw that.
10. I have not been scared of a horror movie since I was 5. I’m un-scareable. Is that a word?
11. I have met all 104 of my Myspace friends at least twice in my life. Even my friend in Kentucky.
12. I’ve been to more states in the Country of Mexico than I have in the United States. This is actually kind of sad. I have family all over central Mexico
13. I’m pretty sure I have a membership to almost every social networking site known to man.
14. I actually hate using public bathrooms. Which I’m sure if I do end up getting this Pit Reporter job then I’ll get over that real quick.
15. I completely switched my education path. In turn, I have to start my entire college education over. Went from being a Doctor, to writing about one. I’m a Creative English Writing major. Trying to be a screenwriter.
Well, that was a little hard to do. Hopefully this somehow impresses them and shows them that I at least have personality. Then again, that’s usually what ugly people say. Personality is all I got. Til next time.
Xoxo
-Ricky
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Clams Have Feelings Too
Elllo Ello everyone. So the video I was going to put up doesn’t seem to be working right. Which is a bust because I have my buddy Mark jumping off a balcony from the cabin we were in with an American Flag. So Valentine’s Day is around the corner and boy is it funny to see everyone to see everyone freak out. I’m a little glad I’m single this Valentine’s because I don’t have to buy chocolates, flowers, or even an abortion. It definitely brings a damper to the wallet. I know a few people have asked me recently what I think about V-Day and personally I don’t really like it. Not because I’m single or can’t find a date, far from that, but because it’s kind of a retarded day. I mean, if you’re in a relationship, you should show them every single day that you either like them, care for them, or even love them. You shouldn’t just do it because one day out of the year tells you that you need to buy them all the jewelry in the world to show them you care. You should do it because it’s been 4 months since you got laid. Wait, what?
So with all this Valentine hoopla going around, I was talking to a very dramatic friend of mine and was discussing deal breakers. Deal breakers as in date breakers. For instance, with myself, I can’t date a girl who isn’t into baseball. At first it was they HAVE to be an Angel Fan but then I started thinking that is a little harsh. So in turn, if I date anyone they HAVE to be into baseball somewhat. It scores them points if they are an Angel fan and I subtract points if they are a Red Sox, Yankee, or even a Dodger fan (even though the Dodgers are in a completely different league then the Angels). Now, when I mean fan, I mean like the hardcore Sweet Caroline Sox Fans or the “I’m a Yank til the day I die” fans. Now, as I’m telling my friend this, she’s telling me that I’m harsh that I drop girls who aren’t baseball fans. So here’s my reasoning. Baseball season is about 6 months, 7 if the team makes it to the playoffs. I go to games as often as I can. Now, if I date someone who isn’t remotely into baseball or doesn’t like being around crowds or gets embarrassed easy, that’s 6-7 months of potential fights. Now ask me why. Why? Here’s why. I’m going to get the whole “How come you don’t pay attention to me as much as the Angels? Why don’t we ever do anything else? Why are you so loud at games? Put your clothes on and don’t streak.” That’s why. It’s going to happen if someone isn’t into baseball or anything in general. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I’m fascinated by every little thing so if you want to go somewhere where you think I don’t want to, chances are I will want to. Except going to Dodger stadium; unless they’re playing the Angels or D-Backs. Or unless the girl I’m dating is ridiculous hot or cool. Then I’ll go. Point is, you kind of have to date people who have the same interests. If you aren’t a social person, then you best date someone who likes staying in or making fun of people when you do go out. If you like being physically fit you better date someone who is willing to either get back in shape or runs more than you do. Relationships are a whole lot better when you both share a certain passion to anything like dead baby jokes or pulling pranks on your friends when they’re trashed. I know a guy who won’t date any girl who has weird hands. I know a girl who won’t date a guy if his armpit hairs pass a certain length. We all have our deal breakers as retarded as they are, so what’s yours? And now, enjoy the song of the week…
So with all this Valentine hoopla going around, I was talking to a very dramatic friend of mine and was discussing deal breakers. Deal breakers as in date breakers. For instance, with myself, I can’t date a girl who isn’t into baseball. At first it was they HAVE to be an Angel Fan but then I started thinking that is a little harsh. So in turn, if I date anyone they HAVE to be into baseball somewhat. It scores them points if they are an Angel fan and I subtract points if they are a Red Sox, Yankee, or even a Dodger fan (even though the Dodgers are in a completely different league then the Angels). Now, when I mean fan, I mean like the hardcore Sweet Caroline Sox Fans or the “I’m a Yank til the day I die” fans. Now, as I’m telling my friend this, she’s telling me that I’m harsh that I drop girls who aren’t baseball fans. So here’s my reasoning. Baseball season is about 6 months, 7 if the team makes it to the playoffs. I go to games as often as I can. Now, if I date someone who isn’t remotely into baseball or doesn’t like being around crowds or gets embarrassed easy, that’s 6-7 months of potential fights. Now ask me why. Why? Here’s why. I’m going to get the whole “How come you don’t pay attention to me as much as the Angels? Why don’t we ever do anything else? Why are you so loud at games? Put your clothes on and don’t streak.” That’s why. It’s going to happen if someone isn’t into baseball or anything in general. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I’m fascinated by every little thing so if you want to go somewhere where you think I don’t want to, chances are I will want to. Except going to Dodger stadium; unless they’re playing the Angels or D-Backs. Or unless the girl I’m dating is ridiculous hot or cool. Then I’ll go. Point is, you kind of have to date people who have the same interests. If you aren’t a social person, then you best date someone who likes staying in or making fun of people when you do go out. If you like being physically fit you better date someone who is willing to either get back in shape or runs more than you do. Relationships are a whole lot better when you both share a certain passion to anything like dead baby jokes or pulling pranks on your friends when they’re trashed. I know a guy who won’t date any girl who has weird hands. I know a girl who won’t date a guy if his armpit hairs pass a certain length. We all have our deal breakers as retarded as they are, so what’s yours? And now, enjoy the song of the week…
Thursday, February 5, 2009
A little lazy lately...
I was going to write another blog but I decided I'm just going to do a video blog or VLOG for you nerds out there, come Sunday or Monday (Depending how bad my hangover is.). This weekend, if we make it because of the rain, I'm heading up to a cabin up in Lake Arrowhead with 24 of my closet friends. What's going to happen up there? A lot of drinking, practical jokes, hopefully a snowball fight or two, and some more drinking. I'm taking the video camera up there so maybe I can somehow make a video for the trip. Bad part is, we leave tomorrow night at 7 or 8, which isn't the safest thing to do. I'm pretty sure I won't make it home alive. Anygay, nothing really new or exciting on my end. I'm currently still writing my first script and it's coming out great. I've had a few people read it and it seems to be a hit, which is extremelly surprising to me. Well, I'll write more come Sunday. Hopefully something up in the cabin will inspire me to write something remotely funny. But for now, I gotta find out more about this Stripper that was attacked and burned alive in this Strip Club in LA. Crazy.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
A Day in the Life of Me...
So lately I’ve been trying to find different ways to entertain myself with all this free time I’ve been having and to not totally kill my love of writing this script/screenplay/autobiography/porn I’m doing. I had a little debate with a friend of mine who thinks his days were more unproductive than mine. So, to find out whose day was more unproductive and pretty much useless, we decided to keep a journal with us for the day and write down everything that we do. The following is a timeline of my day…I’m pretty sure you can be the judge that I won this one…
5:00- Woke up due to this dream I had. This bear was trying to Lucha Libre me and that freaked my mind out. He actually wore a mask. Once I was up, got up, decided the bed needed me more than I needed to pee so I went back to sleep.
7:10- Woke up for the second time today. This time it was due to my sister singing the tunes of High School Music. Don’t ask why I know what it was. Surprisingly enough, her singing put me to sleep…or a slight coma.
7:59- After realizing I was just clinically dead, got the phone and decided to call the bank. The day before, I found out that I had a fraudulent charge on my account. Someone pulled the impossible and withdrew $200 from my account Sunday night. Thankfully I was out that night with Anna, who I need to thank again for going out with me that night because now I have an alibi and receipts, not to mention a pretty fun night.
8:30- Still on hold with the bank…
9:00- …and still on hold….
9:10- After about an hour waiting for a person, the Bank of America associate transferred me to the wrong department…
9:30- I was transferred to Bank of America Mexico…Don’t really get how they got that name…anyways, still on hold
9:45- Finally transferred to the right department…unfortunately this department only verifies you are who you say you are. Then they had to transfer me to another department to file a claim…yay…
9:46-10:15- I don’t think it takes a psychic to figure out what I was doing…or where I was being transferred…
10:20 – Was investigated over the phone with all my charges from the weekend. They didn’t believe I was in Hollywood, which is weird because 5 minutes before I charged my card $2 for parking, “I” took out $200 in Pasadena. I don’t know if you have driven from Hollywood to Pasadena, but that’s like a 2 day drive. La traffic blows. What I don’t get is why do they have SO many departments for a bank. Just train every person to verify information and file a claim for you. This is why Americans hate Bank of America. I feel like if I argue against the bank then I’m considered a terrorist due to the banks name alone.
10:30-12:00- Went to the gym. So I don’t know what it is, the economy may be in the shit yet breast implants are in the rise? I’m noticing more and more females in the mid 30’s – 50’s have boob jobs at my gym. Now before the guy’s critize me for not liking boobs (which I totally do, although I’m an avid “butt guy”), it’s just a hard thing to deal with looking at faces like theirs (wrinkly and overly tan) then having to look at their breasts popping out. It’s like putting cheese on Chinese food. Sure it’s delicious when you put it on Italian, but it’s just not right on Chinese. That’s my case.
12:30-2:30- Watched my dogs fight over the couch. Debating if I should text a certain someone.
3:00- Finally took a shower. Yeah, I waited long. My dogs actually smelled me and started sneezing and coughing. That’s when you know you have to jump in the shower…
4:00-7:00- Watched the weather channel. I was trying to understand what’s been up with the weather. It’s like God was having a meltdown. First it’s sunny, then it started raining, then sunny while it rained. Today, it looks sunnier then Florida in the summer and you walk outside and my balls shrunk to the size of a raisin. Didn’t like it, didn’t like it one bit.
7:00-8:00- Trying to watch and give Kat Williams a chance on Comedy Central. Unfortunately I can’t get the punch lines to his jokes because he curses every other word. On top of that, the punch line is either him saying “Motha Fucka” or “I’m a real nigga”. I’m assuming it’s that because one, he’s black and that’s what black people say apparently, and two, Comedy Central doesn’t really do that whole censor lips thing. Still, it was getting a little annoying when all you hear is BEEP BEEP MOTHA BEEP GOD BEEP BEEP A NBEEP…
8:00-9:30- Went back to the gym. I don’t know what it is, the economy may be in the shit yet guys can afford HGH? Insert joke about putting cheese on Chinese food yada yada yada…Also old guys, stop walking around naked in the gym locker room. Seriously, knock it off. Every time I walk in that locker room and look at old man balls, I get the song “Do your ears hang low” in my head. Yes, I’m referencing ears to balls. Old guys, come on…it’s not pleasing to look at.
9:40- Got home and started writing blog…still debating about texting someone.
So pretty useless day. Tomorrow, at least I’m going to the mall. Holler
-Ricky
5:00- Woke up due to this dream I had. This bear was trying to Lucha Libre me and that freaked my mind out. He actually wore a mask. Once I was up, got up, decided the bed needed me more than I needed to pee so I went back to sleep.
7:10- Woke up for the second time today. This time it was due to my sister singing the tunes of High School Music. Don’t ask why I know what it was. Surprisingly enough, her singing put me to sleep…or a slight coma.
7:59- After realizing I was just clinically dead, got the phone and decided to call the bank. The day before, I found out that I had a fraudulent charge on my account. Someone pulled the impossible and withdrew $200 from my account Sunday night. Thankfully I was out that night with Anna, who I need to thank again for going out with me that night because now I have an alibi and receipts, not to mention a pretty fun night.
8:30- Still on hold with the bank…
9:00- …and still on hold….
9:10- After about an hour waiting for a person, the Bank of America associate transferred me to the wrong department…
9:30- I was transferred to Bank of America Mexico…Don’t really get how they got that name…anyways, still on hold
9:45- Finally transferred to the right department…unfortunately this department only verifies you are who you say you are. Then they had to transfer me to another department to file a claim…yay…
9:46-10:15- I don’t think it takes a psychic to figure out what I was doing…or where I was being transferred…
10:20 – Was investigated over the phone with all my charges from the weekend. They didn’t believe I was in Hollywood, which is weird because 5 minutes before I charged my card $2 for parking, “I” took out $200 in Pasadena. I don’t know if you have driven from Hollywood to Pasadena, but that’s like a 2 day drive. La traffic blows. What I don’t get is why do they have SO many departments for a bank. Just train every person to verify information and file a claim for you. This is why Americans hate Bank of America. I feel like if I argue against the bank then I’m considered a terrorist due to the banks name alone.
10:30-12:00- Went to the gym. So I don’t know what it is, the economy may be in the shit yet breast implants are in the rise? I’m noticing more and more females in the mid 30’s – 50’s have boob jobs at my gym. Now before the guy’s critize me for not liking boobs (which I totally do, although I’m an avid “butt guy”), it’s just a hard thing to deal with looking at faces like theirs (wrinkly and overly tan) then having to look at their breasts popping out. It’s like putting cheese on Chinese food. Sure it’s delicious when you put it on Italian, but it’s just not right on Chinese. That’s my case.
12:30-2:30- Watched my dogs fight over the couch. Debating if I should text a certain someone.
3:00- Finally took a shower. Yeah, I waited long. My dogs actually smelled me and started sneezing and coughing. That’s when you know you have to jump in the shower…
4:00-7:00- Watched the weather channel. I was trying to understand what’s been up with the weather. It’s like God was having a meltdown. First it’s sunny, then it started raining, then sunny while it rained. Today, it looks sunnier then Florida in the summer and you walk outside and my balls shrunk to the size of a raisin. Didn’t like it, didn’t like it one bit.
7:00-8:00- Trying to watch and give Kat Williams a chance on Comedy Central. Unfortunately I can’t get the punch lines to his jokes because he curses every other word. On top of that, the punch line is either him saying “Motha Fucka” or “I’m a real nigga”. I’m assuming it’s that because one, he’s black and that’s what black people say apparently, and two, Comedy Central doesn’t really do that whole censor lips thing. Still, it was getting a little annoying when all you hear is BEEP BEEP MOTHA BEEP GOD BEEP BEEP A NBEEP…
8:00-9:30- Went back to the gym. I don’t know what it is, the economy may be in the shit yet guys can afford HGH? Insert joke about putting cheese on Chinese food yada yada yada…Also old guys, stop walking around naked in the gym locker room. Seriously, knock it off. Every time I walk in that locker room and look at old man balls, I get the song “Do your ears hang low” in my head. Yes, I’m referencing ears to balls. Old guys, come on…it’s not pleasing to look at.
9:40- Got home and started writing blog…still debating about texting someone.
So pretty useless day. Tomorrow, at least I’m going to the mall. Holler
-Ricky
Friday, January 23, 2009
Good morning Star Bright, the earth says F You
I don’t know if anyone is like this, but I usually wake up with questions on my mind; like “What happened to the Geico Gecco?” “Is a cucumber really a better tasting pickle?” “What does Zima even taste like? What if I actually like Zima?” and “Why am I sexually attracted to Paula Dean from the Food Network? (I’m watching her cook this morning and she’s using a shovel to cook fried potato cakes. How is that not hot?)” But this morning, I woke up with one specific question “Seriously, what the F was that dream about.”…
Dreams are probably the greatest thing they can have. There’s all sorts of dreams like Being a Superhero Dream, saving a hot chicks life dream, winning a Nobel Peace Prize for finding the cure to destroy AIDS (Which by the way, if somehow you can separate the enzyme or chemical from Clorox that can kill HIV without killing everything else in your body then you just found the cure to everything. Bet you didn’t know that. Pa Pow!) or even a wet dream (Heidi Klum I’ll be seeing you tonight…and you’re twin.).Oh, and don’t let me forget those dreams where you know it’s a dream so you do anything you’ve ever wanted to do. I love those. Then, you get those dreams that absolutely make no sense what so ever. For instance, last night and throughout this morning was probably one of the weirdest dreams I had. So it starts off with me waking up…but I wake up on a cloud. So immediately I’m like, what the hell is going on. Next thing I notice, that everything is in bright colors and like that Splash Mountain kind of feel from Disneyland. So I wake up on this cloud and I look around and there’s just nothing but sunshine and other clouds. Out of nowhere in this deep voice I hear “Gooood Morning Ricky. Welcome!” So I turn around to see who it was and nothing. Then, “Over here Ricky. Ha Ha Ha (Like Count Chocula style)” I see this cloud all of a sudden pop these huge eyes and mouth out of nowhere and it just starts talking to me. By now, I’m freaking out because I don’t do drugs at all, but my brother did come back from Washington DC. DC is known for having a crack problem so maybe some homeless guy bumped into him, had a little crack dust get on my brother so when my brother handed me a shirt he bought, I must have gotten a sprinkle of the drug and somehow snorted it while I slept. Far fetched? I don’t think so. So this cloud is telling me crazy cloud stories about how he tries to ruin weddings and graduations or just tries to get entertained by watching how we drive in the rain (because people lose their minds when it starts pouring while we drive). I’m sitting there like in awe because 1) a cloud is actually talking to me and 2) I just figured out clouds are douche bags. Then this like huge gold escalator comes out of nowhere and goes into this bright light. I’m assuming it was heaven cause the cloud was like “Oh shit, God is going to be pissed I’m not at my post. You gotta get out of here.” I’m looking at the cloud and then he says. “Oh yeah, you have no idea where to go.” I ask the cloud “Dude am I dying? I mean… the whole gold escalator and the heaven thing. I’m having a heart attack right now back in my real body right?” “No idi-ass you’re not. I needed someone to talk to. The other clouds are gay and all they do is float here and block the sun, make it rain and snow… all the properties that clouds do that you learned back in school. I’m different. I like to mess with people. Anyways, just jump off and you’ll be back in bed.” So I said my goodbyes to the cloud and jumped off the cloud. Now, sometimes when I sleep or have a dream, I get this weird chill in my body and jump up and I’m back in my bed stuck trying to find out what time it is. So I get up to get a drink of water and all of a sudden I hear a “Chee, come here.” I look outside and my backdoor is open. I thought it was my dad because the chee was like a Mexican “chee”. The girls know what I’m talking about since they get whistled at by my brothern all the time. I walk outside and a possum is just sitting there looking at me. I start to freak because I hate possums. They look like they want to rape me. Have you ever heard two possums mate? I did like a year ago and it has stuck with me since. It’s nasty. Like weird possum screams and heavy breathing. Back to the dream…so this possum is like “What’s up man. How’s it going?” “Um, do I know you possum?” “Yeah man, the name is Billy. Me and my old lady were the ones that made love behind your room.” “Oh…great. Thanks for never letting me throw wood ever again. Kind of creepy… So why am I talking to a possum.” “Oh yeah I’m here for a reason…um…go for it.” “Go for what.” “Just go for it. Don’t let it slip.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about dude.” “I don’t know either, I just thought it would be life affirming and something would spark. You did just come back from finding your gay self right?” “What’s up with people calling me gay? I’m straight.” “Yeah cause straight guys go to Santa Barbara to ‘Find themselves’. Grow some balls buddy. The ones on me are bigger than yours.” “Why are you such a dick in my dream possum?” “Because you still have low self-esteem.” “True.” Out of nowhere you just hear “Ohhh Billy” then the possum looks at me, actually smiles and says “Oh man that’s the Mrs. Alright, when you wake up, I’m really sorry.” “What?” next thing I know I blink and I’m in bed… and I wake up to possums going to town again. I roll up the window blinds and just yell out “F you Billy. F you.” Then my mom walks in and asks why I’m yelling at a possum and why am I naked. So there you have it, a weird ass dream I know nothing about. Sad thing is this isn’t my weirdest dream to date. Anyone have any clue as to what the hell this was about? I already have a bet with someone saying I’m going to get like 5 comments that I’m gay, which I’m not. I love the female anatomy…a lot.
Xoxo
-Ricky
Playlist for the day...
Attack Attack -- Someday Came Suddenly
Four Year Strong -- Rise or Die Trying
Ace Enders -- Various tuneskies
Dreams are probably the greatest thing they can have. There’s all sorts of dreams like Being a Superhero Dream, saving a hot chicks life dream, winning a Nobel Peace Prize for finding the cure to destroy AIDS (Which by the way, if somehow you can separate the enzyme or chemical from Clorox that can kill HIV without killing everything else in your body then you just found the cure to everything. Bet you didn’t know that. Pa Pow!) or even a wet dream (Heidi Klum I’ll be seeing you tonight…and you’re twin.).Oh, and don’t let me forget those dreams where you know it’s a dream so you do anything you’ve ever wanted to do. I love those. Then, you get those dreams that absolutely make no sense what so ever. For instance, last night and throughout this morning was probably one of the weirdest dreams I had. So it starts off with me waking up…but I wake up on a cloud. So immediately I’m like, what the hell is going on. Next thing I notice, that everything is in bright colors and like that Splash Mountain kind of feel from Disneyland. So I wake up on this cloud and I look around and there’s just nothing but sunshine and other clouds. Out of nowhere in this deep voice I hear “Gooood Morning Ricky. Welcome!” So I turn around to see who it was and nothing. Then, “Over here Ricky. Ha Ha Ha (Like Count Chocula style)” I see this cloud all of a sudden pop these huge eyes and mouth out of nowhere and it just starts talking to me. By now, I’m freaking out because I don’t do drugs at all, but my brother did come back from Washington DC. DC is known for having a crack problem so maybe some homeless guy bumped into him, had a little crack dust get on my brother so when my brother handed me a shirt he bought, I must have gotten a sprinkle of the drug and somehow snorted it while I slept. Far fetched? I don’t think so. So this cloud is telling me crazy cloud stories about how he tries to ruin weddings and graduations or just tries to get entertained by watching how we drive in the rain (because people lose their minds when it starts pouring while we drive). I’m sitting there like in awe because 1) a cloud is actually talking to me and 2) I just figured out clouds are douche bags. Then this like huge gold escalator comes out of nowhere and goes into this bright light. I’m assuming it was heaven cause the cloud was like “Oh shit, God is going to be pissed I’m not at my post. You gotta get out of here.” I’m looking at the cloud and then he says. “Oh yeah, you have no idea where to go.” I ask the cloud “Dude am I dying? I mean… the whole gold escalator and the heaven thing. I’m having a heart attack right now back in my real body right?” “No idi-ass you’re not. I needed someone to talk to. The other clouds are gay and all they do is float here and block the sun, make it rain and snow… all the properties that clouds do that you learned back in school. I’m different. I like to mess with people. Anyways, just jump off and you’ll be back in bed.” So I said my goodbyes to the cloud and jumped off the cloud. Now, sometimes when I sleep or have a dream, I get this weird chill in my body and jump up and I’m back in my bed stuck trying to find out what time it is. So I get up to get a drink of water and all of a sudden I hear a “Chee, come here.” I look outside and my backdoor is open. I thought it was my dad because the chee was like a Mexican “chee”. The girls know what I’m talking about since they get whistled at by my brothern all the time. I walk outside and a possum is just sitting there looking at me. I start to freak because I hate possums. They look like they want to rape me. Have you ever heard two possums mate? I did like a year ago and it has stuck with me since. It’s nasty. Like weird possum screams and heavy breathing. Back to the dream…so this possum is like “What’s up man. How’s it going?” “Um, do I know you possum?” “Yeah man, the name is Billy. Me and my old lady were the ones that made love behind your room.” “Oh…great. Thanks for never letting me throw wood ever again. Kind of creepy… So why am I talking to a possum.” “Oh yeah I’m here for a reason…um…go for it.” “Go for what.” “Just go for it. Don’t let it slip.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about dude.” “I don’t know either, I just thought it would be life affirming and something would spark. You did just come back from finding your gay self right?” “What’s up with people calling me gay? I’m straight.” “Yeah cause straight guys go to Santa Barbara to ‘Find themselves’. Grow some balls buddy. The ones on me are bigger than yours.” “Why are you such a dick in my dream possum?” “Because you still have low self-esteem.” “True.” Out of nowhere you just hear “Ohhh Billy” then the possum looks at me, actually smiles and says “Oh man that’s the Mrs. Alright, when you wake up, I’m really sorry.” “What?” next thing I know I blink and I’m in bed… and I wake up to possums going to town again. I roll up the window blinds and just yell out “F you Billy. F you.” Then my mom walks in and asks why I’m yelling at a possum and why am I naked. So there you have it, a weird ass dream I know nothing about. Sad thing is this isn’t my weirdest dream to date. Anyone have any clue as to what the hell this was about? I already have a bet with someone saying I’m going to get like 5 comments that I’m gay, which I’m not. I love the female anatomy…a lot.
Xoxo
-Ricky
Playlist for the day...
Attack Attack -- Someday Came Suddenly
Four Year Strong -- Rise or Die Trying
Ace Enders -- Various tuneskies
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Santa Barbara...a little something for everyone
Like I said earlier, I took a few days off from the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles County to come on down to Santa Barbara to write a script I'm working on. Surprise, it's a romantic comedy. Anygay, as I'm down here, there's a few things I can't seem to notice. One, almost every single person here is in incredible shape. Like, when I mean incredible shape I mean like they have like 8 packs. You know that scene in Step Brothers where the brother comes up to the treehouse and shows off his pecs? That's exactly how everyone is here. I bet they too haven't had a carb in three years. The funny part of it is, a lot of atheltic people tend to be douchebags to us chubby folks or less attractive of the bunch. Not here my friend. Here in Santa Barbara, all the pretty people actually go out of their way to talk to you. It's funny because when good looking people talk to you, you yourself feel very attractive and think your hot rate goes higher. I've also noticed that when people say hi to you here that it's not so weird but when an ugly or unattractive person says hi to you you're like "Ew buddy. Can you not be so creepy". I don't know what it is but I kind of want to work out my abdominals on the beach and do like 1,000 crunches. Oh yeah, it also helps to say you're writing a script here. It's like money to people. Here's three examples of how nice people are here...
It's about 10:30 am and my sister just left to class so I decided to take a walk and just write on the beach. As I'm walking there, the street is whizzing with students on bikes...all saying hi and giving a friendly smile. One actually tried to have a full on conversation with me while she rode off. The beach is thankfully about a block away from my sisters house. Not a far walk. I walk down the cliff find a bench over looking the beach and the cliff. I write for about 20 minutes and I notice a group of girls running in my direction. As you guessed it, pretty good looking. So one actually stops right next to me and tells the other girls she needs to stretch and does so in front of me. Of course, that stops me from doing my work. Call me a perve, but I was learning the anatomy of the female race at the moment. So one of them notices me and the conversation ensues. "Hey there. What are you doing out here all alone?" "Me? Um I'm actually visiting my sister here so I'm just kinda hanging around while she's in class." Another girl joins in the conversation. Short black hair, glasses...my type. I don't know what it is but girls with glasses...ahh. Anygay..."Oh well that's sweet of you to visit your sister. So you doing homework or what? You have a pretty nice view." "No homework. I'm writing a script...well screenplay." The one stretching stops and actually comes on my side and sits down next to me. Sweaty or not, I'd still hit it... "A script? for a movie? Wow that's really neat. What's it about?" "It's actually a romantic comedy. I just started writing like 20 minutes ago so I'm no where near where I want to be." "Ohh I love romantic comedies! Can I read what you have written so far?" "Yeah me too! I want to read it." Now I have two girls to the side of me and one directly behind me. It was like my own personal Orgy...minus any sex going on and the girls still had their clothes on. So the girls read the script and occasionally laughed, which is what I was going for. Afterwards, they commented on it and were surprised I wrote that much in 20 minutes, which was a major boost to my already high ego. So they asked if I would be out here the same time tomorrow and I said I would and they looked forward to see me, as I look forward to seeing them..
The people are so ridiculously nice here that I'm walking back from the beach and there's these 3 guys sitting on a couch located on a front yard. Very college like. Anyways, one guy is like "Hey bro, isn't that Rockett clothing?" and I look at him and say "Yeah dude. It sure is." then he goes on about how he's heard about the company but never seen a shirt. He offers me a beer and asks if I go to school here. I told him I was just visiting and trying to write a script and he was all in shocked about it. So we were drinking and the three guys read what I wrote and start saying they like the direction I'm heading. We play a round of beer pong at 12:31 in the afternoon, probably the earliest time I've ever played. After getting my buzz going, I started stumbling home back to the house...
Now...to top off how awesome this place is, there is a homeless guy who actually helps YOU out instead of you helping him. So this place is well known for being a party school without a doubt. And with every party comes the drunken friend who passes out and no one ever knows what to do with them or how to take them home. Well the homeless guy does. All you do is place a tag on your friend with the address on the home, give the homeless guy 5 bucks or a few beers and he'll put your friend on a wagon that's attached to his bike and riding him home and leave him in the yard so that way when he walks up scared and freaked out, he's outside of his house. Now, where else can you find kind of love at?
Santa Barbara, a place for everyone...
Monday, January 19, 2009
Social Networking...a little carried away...
What's going on everyone? Hope all is well and everyone is enjoying the New Year. So I decided to kind of take off from all the craziness that is Los Angeles and head out to Santa Barbara to kind of clear my head and let my creativity flow. Kind of like that movie In the Land of Women with Adam Brody. So I'm out here trying to write my very first screenplay. At first I thought it was going to be easy but Jesus Christ there is so much work. To top it off, I'm crashing at my sisters house with her 5 room-mates, all girls. Kind of every guy's dream. Anyways, I just spent the past 4 hours watching Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, and The City. I think it's pretty safe to say that women have absolutely no taste in television. But, this isn't what this little blog is about...this time...
So social networking sites have really gone out of their way to go as creepy as possible. When you first think of SN's (Social Networking sites. Yea, I abbreviated that so what.) the first thing that comes to mind is Myspace. Now, Myspace isn't too creepy, if you can get past the fact that there are 35+ men on it trying to add 18- not +, girls on there for creepy daddy issue kind of sex. Then we have the more mature, but still semi-stalkerish Facebook. I was driving to Santa Barbara with my sister and we were talking about how some people find out a lot about other people by checking out their facebook and stalking them. Apparently you can find out whose dating who and who lives in certain dorms. It's a little creepy, but I'm sure we've all gone to that point to check that out. But now, sites have gone to the absolute worst like Loopt and Twitter to let others know EXACTLY where you're out. Goodbye cheating, hello Cheaters film crew. With Loopt, you can literally pinpoint exactly where someone is. For example... Click here...http://app.loopt.com/loopt/journalFeed.ashx?id=c621dc23-2647-4958-a474-be5a1e0d06a4..this should show you exactly where I'm at. So please, don't stalk me but if you want to know exactly where I'm at then there yah go. So jealous girlfriends and over protective boyfriends, here is your ammunition to keep in check your significant other. Anyhoozle, it's getting late and I gotta figure out how to cover my morning wood so none of these girls see first glimpse of that when they see me on the living room futon. Not good...not good for anyone.
Ps. If you want to share your Twitter or add me on Loopt, by all means send me a message and I'll hit you up.
xoxo
-Ricky
So social networking sites have really gone out of their way to go as creepy as possible. When you first think of SN's (Social Networking sites. Yea, I abbreviated that so what.) the first thing that comes to mind is Myspace. Now, Myspace isn't too creepy, if you can get past the fact that there are 35+ men on it trying to add 18- not +, girls on there for creepy daddy issue kind of sex. Then we have the more mature, but still semi-stalkerish Facebook. I was driving to Santa Barbara with my sister and we were talking about how some people find out a lot about other people by checking out their facebook and stalking them. Apparently you can find out whose dating who and who lives in certain dorms. It's a little creepy, but I'm sure we've all gone to that point to check that out. But now, sites have gone to the absolute worst like Loopt and Twitter to let others know EXACTLY where you're out. Goodbye cheating, hello Cheaters film crew. With Loopt, you can literally pinpoint exactly where someone is. For example... Click here...http://app.loopt.com/loopt/journalFeed.ashx?id=c621dc23-2647-4958-a474-be5a1e0d06a4..this should show you exactly where I'm at. So please, don't stalk me but if you want to know exactly where I'm at then there yah go. So jealous girlfriends and over protective boyfriends, here is your ammunition to keep in check your significant other. Anyhoozle, it's getting late and I gotta figure out how to cover my morning wood so none of these girls see first glimpse of that when they see me on the living room futon. Not good...not good for anyone.
Ps. If you want to share your Twitter or add me on Loopt, by all means send me a message and I'll hit you up.
xoxo
-Ricky
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Dating Life
Shit, I did not think a lot of you would actually come back on here and read the blogs again. So thanks for everyone who comments or even reads this blog and tells a friend. It feels great to know many of you read this thing and actually enjoy it. The funny part is going to parties or just hanging with friends and my blog gets mentioned as gossip. Funny times... So thanks to everyone who spreads this like HIV in Africa. Too soon?
Anygay, the topic for today is dating. Dating is the scariest thing you can go through, except for maybe waiting for the results of a pregnancy test. If you haven't done so yet, I say you try that. It's kind of thrilling. Am I advocating un-protected sex? No, I'm advocating results of a pregnancy test. Don't be a daddy; cover your meat patty fellas. As I mentioned before, dating is a whole lot different than what I remember it as. Back when I was first single, it was "Hey, my mom is going to be picking us up and dropping us off at the movies." Texting messaging wasn't really the thing, it was AIM'ing/Instant Messaging, and the Power Rangers were still fighting on earth and not in space or another planet. Now you actually have to be on your toes. Literally, because if you're shorter than a girl, they get really weirded out if they're taller than you. Why? Because girls for some reason love to wear heels and if they wear them when they're taller than you, they end up looking like Bigfoot or Paul Bunyon... but with tits. There are so many different variables too with dating now adays then there was before. Prime example, when you first get someone's phone number. Now all this doesn't apply just to guys, girls are the same way. How many days do you wait to call them or text them? What do you say without sounding needy or pathetic? Do you find their Myspace/Facebook/or whatever other stalking social site there is out there and add them? These are all valid points and none of us seem to have the answer to any of this stuff. And don't bother asking friends for advice either because they're probably going to steer you the wrong way. For instance my buddy Dave, yes you made it into a blog dude. You ask him any question on dating and his answer is going to be "So when are you going to fuck her". I mean, it's hilarious at first but when you're completely serious about asking for help, asking the other sex you're interested in (or the same. what ever floats your boat or tickles your pickle) when we're going to bump uglies is kind of out of the question; Unless you meet them at a swingers party. But I think swinger parties are out of style.
Along with the friend’s portion of dating, don't ever let them set you up on Blind Dates. It's really nice of them that they care about you, but you're going to get really offended at how they see you with their choice of a date. I know I did. I got set up to go on a date with someone who had like one thing in common with me but yet, according to my buddy, we were perfect. "Hey Rick how was the date." "Hey Dave fuck you." "What man you two were perfect. She liked video games, watching tv, reading, kinda goofy, watching movies, doesn't like the sun." "Dude you just described a hermit/loser." "Well, yeah... I mean you're into that." "That's fucked up man." "Well did you fuck her?" Point taken, don't do blind dates or you too well shell out $83.23 on a lunch date and you only spent $30 bucks on food and enough booze to get you through an annoying conversation on how Harry Potter defies the laws of physics.
Dating is terrible. Now that I'm of age to drink and do the dirty deed, I gotta watch myself when I go out to bars. If I get too hammered, I have to worry about if this chick is really a chick. You don't want to go back to your apartment or pad and find out you two are going to go Medieval and Joust each other with your own personal swords. Cock fighting is illegal in California. So do I have any advice for any of you? Nope. I'm just as lost in this with all of you. Remember, you can't spell stud without STD.
Anygay, the topic for today is dating. Dating is the scariest thing you can go through, except for maybe waiting for the results of a pregnancy test. If you haven't done so yet, I say you try that. It's kind of thrilling. Am I advocating un-protected sex? No, I'm advocating results of a pregnancy test. Don't be a daddy; cover your meat patty fellas. As I mentioned before, dating is a whole lot different than what I remember it as. Back when I was first single, it was "Hey, my mom is going to be picking us up and dropping us off at the movies." Texting messaging wasn't really the thing, it was AIM'ing/Instant Messaging, and the Power Rangers were still fighting on earth and not in space or another planet. Now you actually have to be on your toes. Literally, because if you're shorter than a girl, they get really weirded out if they're taller than you. Why? Because girls for some reason love to wear heels and if they wear them when they're taller than you, they end up looking like Bigfoot or Paul Bunyon... but with tits. There are so many different variables too with dating now adays then there was before. Prime example, when you first get someone's phone number. Now all this doesn't apply just to guys, girls are the same way. How many days do you wait to call them or text them? What do you say without sounding needy or pathetic? Do you find their Myspace/Facebook/or whatever other stalking social site there is out there and add them? These are all valid points and none of us seem to have the answer to any of this stuff. And don't bother asking friends for advice either because they're probably going to steer you the wrong way. For instance my buddy Dave, yes you made it into a blog dude. You ask him any question on dating and his answer is going to be "So when are you going to fuck her". I mean, it's hilarious at first but when you're completely serious about asking for help, asking the other sex you're interested in (or the same. what ever floats your boat or tickles your pickle) when we're going to bump uglies is kind of out of the question; Unless you meet them at a swingers party. But I think swinger parties are out of style.
Along with the friend’s portion of dating, don't ever let them set you up on Blind Dates. It's really nice of them that they care about you, but you're going to get really offended at how they see you with their choice of a date. I know I did. I got set up to go on a date with someone who had like one thing in common with me but yet, according to my buddy, we were perfect. "Hey Rick how was the date." "Hey Dave fuck you." "What man you two were perfect. She liked video games, watching tv, reading, kinda goofy, watching movies, doesn't like the sun." "Dude you just described a hermit/loser." "Well, yeah... I mean you're into that." "That's fucked up man." "Well did you fuck her?" Point taken, don't do blind dates or you too well shell out $83.23 on a lunch date and you only spent $30 bucks on food and enough booze to get you through an annoying conversation on how Harry Potter defies the laws of physics.
Dating is terrible. Now that I'm of age to drink and do the dirty deed, I gotta watch myself when I go out to bars. If I get too hammered, I have to worry about if this chick is really a chick. You don't want to go back to your apartment or pad and find out you two are going to go Medieval and Joust each other with your own personal swords. Cock fighting is illegal in California. So do I have any advice for any of you? Nope. I'm just as lost in this with all of you. Remember, you can't spell stud without STD.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
So my pet peeves...not like a pet animal
It's 8:42 at night on a Wednesday. Damn, Wednesday already. Fun fact number one, I'll be 23 in a month starting tomorrow. Which brings me to the topic of this blog. Pet Peeves. It's been a pretty crazy time in the world of my pet peeves. Wait...before I get into this I just want to let anyone who reads this (pointing more towards my friends who know me) this is just me venting. I'm really not pissed off at you and I don't plan on using names. This would just cause you guys to get back at me when we're all drunk at a party and I pass out.
All of us have pet peeves. Some are pretty understandable and others are well...kind of pity as all hell. I am the later choice. A lot of guys will appreciate what I'm about to say to the ladies. Women, please for the love of Christ and every thing he stands for, don't ever ask us for our opinion if you're just going to pick the opposite. Personally, if you were to take my opinion/advice and even think about it for more than 10 seconds, I wouldn't be pissed at all. But to automatically just say "No, I think I'll go with the other thing" ticks a lot of guys off. It's pointless to even think of asking us if you already have something in mind. I know the common excuse is "Well I just want you to feel like your contributing to my decision." and quite frankly we don't really give a shit if the low rise pants are better than the flair, you're going to look fine in whatever.
Now, I'm not going to let the guys off that easy. Seriously Men, stop being such dicks to everyone. I know I'm a dick too but come on. The girls notice it. I've had countless talks with girls about "all guys are dicks." and I don't want to be a douchebag and say "Well a lot of guys are dicks but I'm one of the good ones." So can you guys actually return girls phone calls, or do something romantic for them, or not cheat, maybe be there for the abortion instead of giving them the money. Oh, and when you're at a party, drink the entire bottle of beer/hard liqour/wine cooler before you even think about opening a new bottle. Anyone who has EVER thrown a party or been a part of the clean up crew the next day has found at least 52 full bottles of beer. "Hey Ronnie, how many beers did you have last night." "Oh man I drank like 15 beers and 3 cups of Red Bull Vodka" No guy, you had 1 maybe 2 full beers and 13 shots of beer out of a bottle and when you were taking a piss by the side of the garage, you poured out the rest of your cup the same time you pissed, so if anyone walked by they think you had a major piss break from the party. I know those tricks, I've seen those tricks. I pulled that when I was 17 and at my first party.
Couples...can you stop sitting on the same side of a table or booth? How do you guys do that? I need arm room when I'm about to eat. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend that hideous when they eat or what? I don't get it. Don't you have a stiff neck after dinner from talking and turning your head to the right or left all the time? Unfortunately I literally mean stiff neck and not a boner.
There's a ton more I can list like talking on the phone when you don't have anything important to say or the answers to those magazine articles which ask 100 women what they look for in a guy. Usually the top 2 are honesty and humor. I think I'm a pretty funny guy, but I don't see chicks showing me their tits and getting all horned up when I make a joke each at a party or on stage. Honesty? Really? Girls, if guys were honest with you with the questions you asked us, you girls would be gay. "Yea, I'd totally bang your sister." Anyways, so everyone has pet peeves. What are yours? Aside from me writing about pet peeves and my blog. Or my face. Cause I know some random commentor is going to say something like that. Get money, get paid.
-Ricky
All of us have pet peeves. Some are pretty understandable and others are well...kind of pity as all hell. I am the later choice. A lot of guys will appreciate what I'm about to say to the ladies. Women, please for the love of Christ and every thing he stands for, don't ever ask us for our opinion if you're just going to pick the opposite. Personally, if you were to take my opinion/advice and even think about it for more than 10 seconds, I wouldn't be pissed at all. But to automatically just say "No, I think I'll go with the other thing" ticks a lot of guys off. It's pointless to even think of asking us if you already have something in mind. I know the common excuse is "Well I just want you to feel like your contributing to my decision." and quite frankly we don't really give a shit if the low rise pants are better than the flair, you're going to look fine in whatever.
Now, I'm not going to let the guys off that easy. Seriously Men, stop being such dicks to everyone. I know I'm a dick too but come on. The girls notice it. I've had countless talks with girls about "all guys are dicks." and I don't want to be a douchebag and say "Well a lot of guys are dicks but I'm one of the good ones." So can you guys actually return girls phone calls, or do something romantic for them, or not cheat, maybe be there for the abortion instead of giving them the money. Oh, and when you're at a party, drink the entire bottle of beer/hard liqour/wine cooler before you even think about opening a new bottle. Anyone who has EVER thrown a party or been a part of the clean up crew the next day has found at least 52 full bottles of beer. "Hey Ronnie, how many beers did you have last night." "Oh man I drank like 15 beers and 3 cups of Red Bull Vodka" No guy, you had 1 maybe 2 full beers and 13 shots of beer out of a bottle and when you were taking a piss by the side of the garage, you poured out the rest of your cup the same time you pissed, so if anyone walked by they think you had a major piss break from the party. I know those tricks, I've seen those tricks. I pulled that when I was 17 and at my first party.
Couples...can you stop sitting on the same side of a table or booth? How do you guys do that? I need arm room when I'm about to eat. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend that hideous when they eat or what? I don't get it. Don't you have a stiff neck after dinner from talking and turning your head to the right or left all the time? Unfortunately I literally mean stiff neck and not a boner.
There's a ton more I can list like talking on the phone when you don't have anything important to say or the answers to those magazine articles which ask 100 women what they look for in a guy. Usually the top 2 are honesty and humor. I think I'm a pretty funny guy, but I don't see chicks showing me their tits and getting all horned up when I make a joke each at a party or on stage. Honesty? Really? Girls, if guys were honest with you with the questions you asked us, you girls would be gay. "Yea, I'd totally bang your sister." Anyways, so everyone has pet peeves. What are yours? Aside from me writing about pet peeves and my blog. Or my face. Cause I know some random commentor is going to say something like that. Get money, get paid.
-Ricky
Monday, January 5, 2009
I'm going to through a little knowledge at you...
Don't ever try to show off how much you can run on a treadmill. Seriously. And after you get off, maybe take a breather. Maybe do some stretching. You're probably asking why I'm telling you this. Well I decided to, for the first time in like maybe a year and a half, go to the gym and run on a treadmill. I've always had long discussion with my friend Steph about how much I hate the treadmill. Only actually fit people capable of running in place should do this. I have horrible balance. Honestly. If for some reason you notice me walking, I zigzag. I can almost guarantee if my next girlfriend, finance, gay companion is going to get into arguments with me while we hold hands because I will always bump into them. It's that bad. So I muster up the courage and get on a treadmill. I do a slow setting first so I can get used to it and get a little sweat going. Next thing I know another big fella gets on the machine. Now, most of you out there who don't fall into the BMI of Obese, you don't understand what it means when you're working out and another member of the Husky Brigade gets on a machine close to you. It's like a Blood walking into Crypt neighborhood, shit is going down. The following is kind of like how those Discovery Channel Shows when the British narrator comes out describing when a Lion sees a Zebra "Sadly now, there can only be one outcome." I look at this guy and he gives me this look. Again, if you consider your daily servings of vegetables is in a Big Mac then you now what that look is. It's the "Yeah I'm a big guy, but this guy is bigger than me. I'll show him." and the war of the treadmill started. He starts turning on the speed of the treadmill. How do I know since I'm like two treadmills away? The LED light is bigger than Ron Howard's receding hairline, it's huge. So as me and this guy start having our own indoor LA Marathon, this girl comes between us, smiles at me, smiles at him, and starts jogging. I look at the guy and give him the look like "Alright the prize is set". Without even saying it, this chick can do better than the both of us hands down. She knew it, problem is, we didn't. See, when guys compete, all common sense goes out the window. Playing nice is not in a man's vocabulary. Have you ever seen two guys play video games giving props to one another? No, it's unheard of. It usually consists of harsh jokes, you're so fat/stupid jokes, and the greatest sarcasm you've ever seen. About 20 minutes into this, both of us are dying. Sweat is everywhere, heavy breathing is to the loudest decibel, it's like the set of Two Hoe's and a Bro. (New Years Non-Resolution to try and get a porno reference in every blog). Eventually the girl noticed what was going on. At exactly 24:30 into the race, the other guy pulled out. Once he hit the emergency stop button, I went for about 10 seconds longer just to kind of show off. Now, many of you are thinking 10 seconds? That's it? You don't understand. Exercise time is a completely different set of time from overweight individuals. The formula is 5 seconds = 1 minute; 10 seconds = 5 minutes (Notice how 10 seconds is not 2 minutes. Time goes forward a little quicker); and a 2 mile run = hold on, let me get my pajamas and sleeping bag and tell mom I won't be home in 3 days. As I finally get off the machine, I don't stretch or take a breather. No, I decide to show this girl I'm more athletic then she thinks so I just start walking to my car. Unfortunately the car is downstairs and outside. So as I'm about to walk down the stairs, I notice the other guy is in the corner throwing up and the girl between us is looking at me. She flashes me a smile and I smile back. Unfortunately for me, I realize I should've stretched my legs out. My legs wobble and give out. Friends, do you know how many stairs there are in a flight of stairs? 32. How do I know this? Cause I counted every single one as they hit every part of my body. Once I stopped falling down, I did the most retarded thing I could think of. I tried playing it off. Yeah, cause a 245 pound guy didn't just fall down a flight of stairs. This isn't like you got your shoe caught on a sidewalk and started a little sprint, this was 32 stairs I just rolled down from. I can hear two things. One was "Oh my god is he ok?" and then snickering. The sad part is, I couldn't even get mad at the snickering. Seeing a guy fall down a flight of stairs had to probably be the funniest thing anyone could see, aside from a horse kicking someone in the nuts. It's funny every time. To top it off, this dude comes running down the stairs and stands directly over my head and asks am I ok. I couldn't even answer the question because this guy is like 62 and wearing the baggiest neon colored shorts and not wearing underwear so I'm looking at his veiny sack. Yes, I went there. The thing the got me to answer was I felt a splash of sweat hit my forehead. The bad thing was, I couldn't tell if it was from his face or his balls. I don't even want to know. Once I get up, I look at the girl and she is just laughing. I get my stuff together and leave. I'm almost more then certain that I'll never use a treadmill again.
-Ricky
-Ricky
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Seriously, this site still works?
Happy New Year out there. It's been a while since I've written anything on this shiznet. Yes, Shiznet is coming back in '09. I don't know what your New Years Eve consisted of but I'm pretty sure it was like mine; spending all night with a few close friends and strangers asking random questions, getting hammered, and trying to somehow get the jello shot out of a plastic shot glass that would break as quick as an emo kid's heart when someone tells them Garden State was meh. I swear to God, plastic anything should not be at any type of party. I'm not talking about those Plastic Red Cups, those are a clue of a party is being thrown. Go to any Supermarket and get any number of Plastic Red Cups and I guarentee the cashier or the bagger is gonna say "So um...having a few friends over". If you don't believe me, go out and try it. Again, no plastic at parties. We had these plastic shot glasses like I said with Jello in them. Now, Jello shots can be taken one of two ways. One, you can get all sensual with it and very sexually slip your tongue into the cup, and just slurp it up like you're about to be in any pivitol money shot scene in a porn. Then there's the later choice, in which usually the guys go for, which is just getting the bottom of the cup and pushing the Jello in an upward motion. You can't do that with a plastic cup. Trust me, I saw my buddy Jody try it and literally conduct a tracheotomy while trying to get a buzz going with his Jello shot. Plastic Glass shards everywhere. To top it off, the Jello shots were this deep red color obviously resembling blood so as I'm trying to talk to someone, I start screaming thinking it's blood. Once I stopped crying the party went on. I know some of you are thinking that I just cock-blocked myself and no my friends I did not. Yeah, I know I cried but I pulled the sensitive card. Girls love that.
This whole week I've been getting the whole "So what's your New Years Resolution" "Hey, what do you plan on doing this year.". It's always the same stuff with everyone. Lose weight, make new friends, find a significant other. Stuff people never really follow through with. Which is why I'm going to say stuff that I know will not happen but when it doesn't, everyone won't be giving me shit for it. My New Years resolution's are to have a threesome, get on TV some how, and to punch a Rhino. Seriously. A rhino. The nearest Rhino is like 5,000 miles away in like Africa. Me punching a Rhino isn't going to happen. So when next year comes around and everyone asks me if I completed my resolutions, they won't be so appalled that I couldn't punch a Rhino. They would actually be angry if I did punch a Rhino. Hell, the Rhino would be angry if I punched it. Anyhizzle, Good luck in the New Year everyone and make sure to make the best of it. Go out and start punching Rhinos.
-Ricky
This whole week I've been getting the whole "So what's your New Years Resolution" "Hey, what do you plan on doing this year.". It's always the same stuff with everyone. Lose weight, make new friends, find a significant other. Stuff people never really follow through with. Which is why I'm going to say stuff that I know will not happen but when it doesn't, everyone won't be giving me shit for it. My New Years resolution's are to have a threesome, get on TV some how, and to punch a Rhino. Seriously. A rhino. The nearest Rhino is like 5,000 miles away in like Africa. Me punching a Rhino isn't going to happen. So when next year comes around and everyone asks me if I completed my resolutions, they won't be so appalled that I couldn't punch a Rhino. They would actually be angry if I did punch a Rhino. Hell, the Rhino would be angry if I punched it. Anyhizzle, Good luck in the New Year everyone and make sure to make the best of it. Go out and start punching Rhinos.
-Ricky
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