Another Fine Morning...

Disappointment. That’s what I woke up with this morning. Earlier this morning while I arose to some tunes on my iPhone, I started freaking out. Not because I awoke to a tranny again but because I could see. When I mean see, I mean I had perfect vision without my glasses. I was jumping up and throwing my fists in the air like I just nailed Heidi Klum and had the biggest smile on my face. As I was running around outside trying to look at this new world with my 20/20 vision, my right eye started to get blurry. I started yelling “No no no no” then the left one was blurry again. I started screaming like Arnold in Total Recall with a bloodcurdling “NOOOOOOOOO!!” Needless to say I was devastated when I couldn’t see anything anymore. Then, my little dog Charlie walked over to me and licked my face then started barking to the floor. After telling him to shut up a few times I noticed something sparkling. It was a contact. I forgot that last night, like the nerd that I am, I decided to wear contacts instead of my glasses because my glasses fog up. That’s probably the nerdiest thing I can ever say on this blog. I really don’t get how I forgot about me wearing contacts. Last night I went to the gas station and saw a friend of mine. She kept saying how different I look without my glasses. I don’t get why everyone thinks people look completely different without glasses. If that was the case, I’d be dining and dashing everywhere I go. Once I get the check, I would just take off my glasses stand up and take like two steps from the table. Waiter “Where was the gentleman with the glasses?” Me without glasses “Oh that a-hole just took off. He started saying how you were never going to catch him.” Waiter “Son of a…” then leaves. I feel a lot more comfortable with my glasses on. Without them, I just look like a freshly crossed illegal immigrant with a bad farmers tan and snarky eyes. Plus I can do that dramatic removal of the glasses that Jim Gaffigan talks about. When chicks wear glasses, I just want to walk up to them and gently remove them, brush their hair to the side and say “You go be prom queen.” Then hand them the glasses back and walk away. Also, chicks in glasses look hot. That’s a fact. I saw it in National Geographic. Til next time. I need to get ready for school.
-Ricky
Ps. Totally almost forgot. Make sure to go read my friend Anna’s Blog "From London With Love". She just left a few days ago to London to study abroad and will be blogging and uploading photos on it. So go leave some love on her blog and if you’ve been to London, give her some pointers and hot spots. Holler.

Seriously Vince?

I'm sure a ton of you already heard about this yesterday, but the ShamWow guy was arrested for biting a hookers tongue a month ago. You can read more of the story at The Smoking Gun and see some of the pictures they put up. There's a few things I find kind of unsettling about the whole situation. The first item up for debate is the whole kissing a hooker thing. From watching Pretty Woman and my own experience on purchasing a hooker, I thought you couldn't kiss them on the lips. Actually, why would anyone want to kiss a prostitute on the lips anyways? Do you know how many chubbies have been in that mouth? The fact that another guys smoked sausage was in it kind of turns me off from ever kissing someone on the mouth. Yes, I do know a lot of girls have licked Otter Pops but I'm talking about chicks that bust tricks to make a living. I'm not talking about Mary Sue from down the street who occasionally does it because of her Daddy issues. Secondly, four punches Vince? It took you four to five punches to knock out this chick who was biting your tongue? Dude, you're in a hotel room for Christ sakes. Use that clap on lamp they have sitting on the credenza and wigwam that chick in the face. I don't condone hitting a chick at all don't get me wrong; but when she's either chomping on your tongue or your frank and beans that deserves some retaliation. My final thought on this whole situation is why that chick? She looks like like a plain Jane. If I'm going to get a hooker, it's going to be some big titted exotic chick from South America or Europe not some chick who looks like she works the swing shift at a TGIFridays. This chick looks like she'd suck a Canadian Bacon for $50. Come on Vince, Billie Mays wouldn't pull this shit. And if he did, he'd do it with style and class.

-Ricky

Playlist
-New Cursive Cd
-Saves the Day

Time to get a little more serious...

This isn’t going to be an LOL LMAO ROTFL kind of blog. It’s just something more for me and whoever really cares about some stuff. Basically, I just kind of need to get this off of my chest.
Anyone who knows me knows about my past relationship. If you don’t, well…I’m sure you can just skim through the archive and check it out; or come to a stand up show. Not a week goes by where someone asks me if I’m over the break up and for the past 8 months I’ve been saying yes. Unfortunately, I was pretty much far from over it. Those who actually know me clearly know I’m lying. I wasn’t necessarily still in love with my ex, I was more upset about the situation and how it was handled. When the break up happened, I was pretty devastated. Yes, I was the one that did the break up but the reason for it was out of my hand. We tried the whole “let’s be friend’s thing.” and that just didn’t work for us. I’m sure other people can handle being around their ex but once they start dating other people and you see the person you love practically make out with someone other than you, it pretty much kills your spirit. With the break up, I just felt like it was worse for me because of a few factors. 1) We dated for almost 5-6 years 2) We tried the friend’s thing and unfortunately she asked me for advice about why this guy hooked up with her and doesn’t like her. 3) last but not least, she lives about a few houses down from me so every day since June, I would see this guy and her pretty much make out in the front yard every morning when I’d go to the work and come back. I don’t care how proud you are, seeing that every day gets to you. So to the main point of why I’m writing this. After all this time (a year and 4 months to be exact) I can honestly say I’m pretty much over it and moved on. During the relationship, I gave my ex this promise ring. I kept the promise for a pretty long ass time and after it ended, I pretty much kept it in a box. It was just me holding on to the last few good memories we had. I don’t know if it’s the music I’ve been listening to lately, the finding of my new career, or just people I’m hanging around with but I got rid of the ring. To me, it was the beginning of me accepting being single and the craziness of the whole lame dating scene. Although I’m getting tired of the friend’s zone, I still have never been happier in my life and I can honestly say that and not lie to anyone. Now, it’s time to celebrate this occasion and watch movies tonight. I’m just really happy with where I’m at.
Til next time
-Ricky
Ps. Ace Enders and a Million Different People song “New Guitar” is just one of the factors of why I got rid of the ring. Feel free to guess the other factors.

I live a life like a movie...

Forgive me for the way this blog looks. I'm doing this blog on my
super cool iPhone since I'm waiting around for the next class.
I've been hearing a lot more of the saying "you're life is like a
movie.". I don't know if it's the fact that I took up screenwriting or
if my life is kinda like "The Truman Show", but I've been kind of been
thinking about it more and more. I mean, it's kinda true. I know
cougars have been on the rise on the "Things you gotta do before you
die." chart. As well as they should. But have any of you actually done
it with an older person? Or elderly I should say? Well don't believe
the hype. Just because people say that all gum is better doesn't mean
it's true. If you wanted that feeling of a 67 year old woman named
Mabels giving you a good ol fashion butter churn, just go eat a banana
and don't throw away the peel. Yes, you can thank me later fellas. On
top of that, when you are giving it to them in their plastic covered
bedding, the safety railing on the side of the bed get in the way from
you moving around. Again, don't believe the hype of cougars. Stick
with the prego woman because like I heard someone said "they are the
turduckets of women.".
Other than my weird dating lifestyle, I can't seem to get a job. I get
a ton of interviews but none seem to patch out in the end for me. This
guy asked me "What can you bring to this company?" my answer was "Um I
don't know. Probably my Xbox or a stapler? I don't really have a lot
which is where you come in." I had this other interview where I know I
didn't get the job for sure. When they actually ask you "What are you
wearing." during an interview and your answer is "Sorry Sir/Mam.
Karate class ran a little late today." it's a sign you didn't get the
job.
As far fetched and movie like as it is, I'm starting to realize why
everyone has been telling me that. So when does the bus load of
Playboy models stop next to me and ask me to be their lotioner or
someone gives me a 3 minute speech about how they like me while it's
pouring rain outside?

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

An Open Letter..

Dear Alcohol,
You know, I was first introduced to you thanks to my Grandpa at the age of 14. I didn’t really like you at first because the taste of you on my lips was like that time I took a piss in my bed and somehow woke up on the other end of the bed. It wasn’t really a great first impression. Although as I grew older; I started to realize how fun you could be. Oh boy did we have some great times. I remember this one time I went to town on you like a 12 year old discovering masturbation and just started yelling out to random people that “I would fuck you all”. This other time, I remember waking up on the beach next to the scream of a majestic seagull. Although I stole some guys car to get to the beach the night before, but I didn’t know that until I was 8 minutes on the 405. True story. I can’t really say I don’t like you, because we know I do. If I had the chance, I’d want you in me every night (that’s what she said). It’s just…it’s not you, it’s me. I can’t really hold you like I used to. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting a little older, or if my old ways of drinking you directly from a handle of Vodka are coming back to get me. Karma’s an angry bitch and I don’t want to be around when the time of the month comes. I think you and I just need a little break for a bit. Maybe we’ll grow closer as time heals all, but if I keep having you around it’s going to destroy me. This morning when I woke up, it felt like an elephant just skull fucked me. I didn’t even know elephants could do that. It’s time to get those ivory tusks out of my ass and start focusing on myself. So Alcohol, it’s been a good run. We made it to 100 episodes and now we’re gonna be syndicated. I have stories for years to come but for the next few weeks or months, I’m going to try and not see you as much as I usually do. Like any other break up, I’m sure we’re going to try to be friends and casually see each other once in a while. I’m almost more than positive we’ll do that after break-up hook up. I just want to let you know that I won’t be around for a while. I’m sorry…but I have to take care of myself. I’ll be seeing you around. I bagged up your empty bottles and I’ll be taking them to the recycling center. I haven’t quite kicked my cocaine addiction. You know how that is.
-Ricky

So here's what I know...

Hey there people. So I told myself I was going to take it easy tonight since I'm always out an about like a hooker on the streets of Sunset Blvd trying to bust tricks. And by tricks, I mean sucking dick for money. I guess I should take the time to write a blog. This week has been pretty exciting and I know the rest of the month is going to be pretty gnarly. I've been kind of keeping track with the kids of today and decided to take the time to look up some things that everyone has been talking about lately and give my opinion. Hopefully you find it funny or entertaining...

• Lady Gaga - I don't know if any guy has physically checked her out, but this is her. She reminds me of one of the villains that would summon the Putty's and try to kick the shit out of the Power Rangers. She sings a bunch of electro-pop songs and I've been hearing her name more and more lately. Probably because of the fact she refers to a penis as "Disco Stick". Although I'm not into the music at all, I can help but say that I haven't been this excited about a synonym since Lil Jon started getting "Skeet Skeet Skeet" on the radio.seriously though, the chick in black is really a singer.

• Irish Pubs - Not what they used to be. I went to Downtown Fullerton to meet up my friend Anna at this place called Brannagins. (I'm pretty sure I messed up the spelling like they fucked up Irish tradition). This place was actually pretty neat. It kind of looked like Ireland some how broke off from Europe, floated over to Fullerton, and its butt threw up on this building. Guinness signs everywhere, Shamrocks galore, a leprechaun in the bathroom handing you wet naps and hot towels. They even have a countdown clock at the top of the bar that ends on St. Paddy's Day. My only gripe is the music. Now, when you go to an Irish Pub, you want to experience everything. From the drunks to the Green Beer (which they do have), you want to be able to enjoy it in whole. However, this place was BLASTIN hip hop, rap, and reggatone. I don't know too many Irish rappers and I'm pretty sure Eminem doesn't make the cut as Irish. I wanted to hear some Neil Diamond, Dropkick Murphys, Flogging Molly...shit, even the bagpipes they play at funerals. Nothin. I had to drink my Guinness to "Back seat, windows up, that's the way I like to FUCK". At least I got crunk. Holler at cha boy


• I'm not as cool as I think - So as we're in Fullerton have a pretty fun night, we ended up bar hopping. Like any other bar, you run into lines. Some are longer than others. This particular bar, there were two other guys. So we have 4 girls and 3 guys in our group. Now, we wait for about 7 minutes and after seeing a few people come out of the place, the bouncer doesn't let anyone in. Thankfully one of the girls spoke with the bouncer and was able to work some magic. Unfortunately, it didn't include us guys. As the girls went on in, us guys were left in line watching all sorts of douches come in and out of the place. Then, this is when I realized I wasn't cool. As we're standing against the wall like a fly on shit, I see three guys walk past us and go straight to the bouncer. Now, before I can go on and try to describe them in words...I'm pretty sure this picture can do it better...

about three of these guys come up and tell the bouncer "Yo, do we gots to wait in the line." the bouncer clearly looks at us and yes "nah dawgs come on in.". Thank God the Slidebar was right next door, other wise we'd still be waiting in line. F You Commonwealth Bar and Lounge. F You...

Anyways, fun little week and this week is going to be even better. Blog you later.

-Ricky

Ps. I'm gonna make sure that saying is trademarked "Blog you later."

I'm still alive...

What's happening everyone. I have been the busiest I've ever been in my life. So much going on and I don't have time for a lot of things. Well first thing first, stand up is going great. A little too great. I'm probably gonna take some time off of it and do some more writing for jokes and hopefully finish writing this script I'm working on. I've had a few people read it and so far so good. It's still nerve racking to write this thing. On top of that, I'm the new manager for my sisters band Atalanta. Now this is probably the funniest thing I have been up to. There's so much stuff to learn that I'm probably going to bring the band down before I learn anything from this. Lucky for me, they made it to the Semi-Finals of this Battle of the Bands contest. The winner plays at Bamboozle Left. I have a ton of funny ideas for them to hopefully spread the word around for them so I need to get on to that.

That's pretty much everything for the meantime. I'll writing something more topical later. I just have to figure out how I'm going to eat my cereal since there's no milk. I'm probably going to use Orange Juice again.

-Ricky