Sorry world, I was bangin Heidi Klum again and seemed to have made Southern California move. No need to worry, she's ok.
It's funny how when an earthquake hits Southern California, everyone tends to freak out. Now the rest of the news headlines for the week are going to be "Earthquake Tips for the Home (Are You Prepared?)" "Minor Earthquakes-Sign of the "Big One"? (Are You Prepared?)" or anything else with (Are You Prepared) in it. The good thing about California are that earthquakes are quite frequent as of lately. That means big savings for us. How's that? Well with earthquakes, it's a ride in itself so you wouldn't have to pay for Disneyland of Knotts Berry Farm to get on a Roller Coaster. I think the only time I would ever want an earthquake to hit is when I'm making sweet passionate love to someone. Then as things are being knocked off of the cabinets and dressers, she'd think it was me and not the Earth's plate moving an inch or so.
Oh earthquakes, you sure are something...
UPDATE: ABC 7 is reporting that the 5.0 quake was centered in Inglewood. Correction ABC 7, it was actually center in my bed!! NAILED IT!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
He's just not that into you...
Alright...it's like 12:30 and I just came back from a double date. I'm
just gonna go out and say this...please no one ever set me up on blind
dates or ask me a favor to go on a double date with you because after
tonight, if I don't know the girl I won't go on the date. So after
about two weeks of me talking about how I kinda miss dating, my buddy
Ryan asked me for a favor. No, it wasn't to take him on a date
(although I'm gonna have to question his sexuality after seeing him
wear that Affliction shirt and answering "yes" as to how cool Ed Hardy
designs are.). Apparently this chick he wants to date aka get jiggy
with (are people still saying that?) won't go on a solo date until she
does a double date first. Here's where I come in. So lucky me and
thanks to my big mouth and him persuading me that "it's ok her friend
is hot", I decided to go. So as him and I drive to go pick them up, he
starts telling me his gameplan. In case you don't know guys, our
gameplan is usually get you drunk then see where it goes. 80% it's
nowhere unless your name is Dave Sanchez. So then here's the
kicker...he starts telling me that I have to help him look good by
affirming the lies he told her. Those lies consist of his
volunteering for the elderly, him knowing people in the music
industry, and how he wrestled a bear once. So we meet the girls at
this restaurant and I'm introduced to them. Now my "date" for this
evening was actually extremely pretty. That's a first for a blind
date. I start to think to myself "Hey this ain't so bad" until I over
hear this chick say "Oh I love Heidi and Spencer. They are so cute and
talented". Strike one. In case you didn't get it, she's talking about
that douchey couple from the hills. That guy has a flesh colored
beard...what's so good looking about that? So we talk a little bit and
it turns out the girl Ryan is seeing is big on nature, helping old
people, and is trying to become a singer. Who isn't nowadays? I guess
that's when he motioned me to tell this courageous tale about how he
wrestled a bear to save a campsite of Cub Scouts. So like any good
wingman I sold it. So after this chick starts eating it up, he tells
my date how I'm a stand up comic. This girl starts screeching loudly
about how she loves funny guys then starts asking how much I make from
stand up. So I just kind of say I do ok and she cuts me off asking me
what car I drive. That's when it hit me, this chick is a gold digger.
I tell her I drive a G6 and her face erupted with a luminous smile,
kind of like that time I rocked Heidi Klum's world back at Cabo '94.
She asks "since you drive a foreign car, is the steering wheel on the
other side". I look at Ryan kind of perplexed and I inform her that
its a Pontaic and not a foreign car. There goes the smile. So after a
long dinner full of celebrity gossip and how Rodeo Dr. is getting
swamped with tourists, I start thinking of a plan to McGuiver my way
out of the date. I excuse myself from the table to try and text
friends for an excuse then all of a sudden I hear "Who are you
texting.". I turn around...and its gold digger McGee. I tell her im
checking the scores of the baseball games and she just starts rambling
on about how much she hates baseball and sports. So we both head back
to the table and shes still rambling on about what she hates which
include the homeless, guys who dont pay, and hard cupcakes from
Spinkles. So she starts telling how hard this cupcake was and I look
at Ryan and I say "thats what she said" and this girl has no idea what
Im talking about. We try to explain the joke but she still doesn't get
it. After the Millionth time of explaining it, she tells us she
doesn't get video games either and particularly Rock Band. I'll spare
you the trouble of the rest of the ranting.
just gonna go out and say this...please no one ever set me up on blind
dates or ask me a favor to go on a double date with you because after
tonight, if I don't know the girl I won't go on the date. So after
about two weeks of me talking about how I kinda miss dating, my buddy
Ryan asked me for a favor. No, it wasn't to take him on a date
(although I'm gonna have to question his sexuality after seeing him
wear that Affliction shirt and answering "yes" as to how cool Ed Hardy
designs are.). Apparently this chick he wants to date aka get jiggy
with (are people still saying that?) won't go on a solo date until she
does a double date first. Here's where I come in. So lucky me and
thanks to my big mouth and him persuading me that "it's ok her friend
is hot", I decided to go. So as him and I drive to go pick them up, he
starts telling me his gameplan. In case you don't know guys, our
gameplan is usually get you drunk then see where it goes. 80% it's
nowhere unless your name is Dave Sanchez. So then here's the
kicker...he starts telling me that I have to help him look good by
affirming the lies he told her. Those lies consist of his
volunteering for the elderly, him knowing people in the music
industry, and how he wrestled a bear once. So we meet the girls at
this restaurant and I'm introduced to them. Now my "date" for this
evening was actually extremely pretty. That's a first for a blind
date. I start to think to myself "Hey this ain't so bad" until I over
hear this chick say "Oh I love Heidi and Spencer. They are so cute and
talented". Strike one. In case you didn't get it, she's talking about
that douchey couple from the hills. That guy has a flesh colored
beard...what's so good looking about that? So we talk a little bit and
it turns out the girl Ryan is seeing is big on nature, helping old
people, and is trying to become a singer. Who isn't nowadays? I guess
that's when he motioned me to tell this courageous tale about how he
wrestled a bear to save a campsite of Cub Scouts. So like any good
wingman I sold it. So after this chick starts eating it up, he tells
my date how I'm a stand up comic. This girl starts screeching loudly
about how she loves funny guys then starts asking how much I make from
stand up. So I just kind of say I do ok and she cuts me off asking me
what car I drive. That's when it hit me, this chick is a gold digger.
I tell her I drive a G6 and her face erupted with a luminous smile,
kind of like that time I rocked Heidi Klum's world back at Cabo '94.
She asks "since you drive a foreign car, is the steering wheel on the
other side". I look at Ryan kind of perplexed and I inform her that
its a Pontaic and not a foreign car. There goes the smile. So after a
long dinner full of celebrity gossip and how Rodeo Dr. is getting
swamped with tourists, I start thinking of a plan to McGuiver my way
out of the date. I excuse myself from the table to try and text
friends for an excuse then all of a sudden I hear "Who are you
texting.". I turn around...and its gold digger McGee. I tell her im
checking the scores of the baseball games and she just starts rambling
on about how much she hates baseball and sports. So we both head back
to the table and shes still rambling on about what she hates which
include the homeless, guys who dont pay, and hard cupcakes from
Spinkles. So she starts telling how hard this cupcake was and I look
at Ryan and I say "thats what she said" and this girl has no idea what
Im talking about. We try to explain the joke but she still doesn't get
it. After the Millionth time of explaining it, she tells us she
doesn't get video games either and particularly Rock Band. I'll spare
you the trouble of the rest of the ranting.
You're probably wondering what happened after. Well apparently she
really "likes me" and is a good listener. She wrote down her number,
but I proceeded to toss it out on the 10 Freeway. I don't care how hot
you are or how long it's been since I laid the love down on Ms. Klum,
I'm not gonna settle for someone with no personality nor someone who
doesn't get "Thats what she said". As for now, i got a free meal out
of Ryan so that favor is dead and gone ha. Time to practice waking up
at 3:33 again.
-Ricky
Sent from my iPhone
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