So I'm not a perv and here's why....

What's going on everyone? Damn, it's been a month already. I've been kinda M.I.A due to me trying to get this Dodgeball and stuff with my daytime job going. When I say MIA, I mean Missing in Action. I don't mean I've been rapping about smoking weed and bones or having gigs at the Crazy Horse off the 10 Fwy. Anygay, I think I had a pretty great morning. The local radio station KROQ had their 2nd annual Ms. Double D-Cember pageant to determine who was going to be the next Ms. Double D for the year. Basically it's a contest where busty women from all walks of life audition to be a model for the station and get to go to all the Kevin and Bean parties and KROQ concerts they want. So all you ladies with the mosquito bites, I'm sorry but you might want to stay away from the stage. Unless you're into boobs, then by all means come along. So I go to the Slidebar Cafe (Which is probably one of the best local bars in the area. The guys from the band Lit own it. You know, the guys who sing that one song with that guitar riff that everyone knows and sing about being drunk and whatever. I don't know, Google it.) and am just amazed at how many other guys where there so early in the morning. At first I thought it was weird but then I remembered we were all there for one reason, free food and boobs. So the show goes live and we're having fun. Everyone is yelling out anything you can think of at the DJ's and the girls and just enjoying it. Then, I get the text from a friend of mine. We text while I'm watching these girls are showcasing their amazing talents and then I get "You're a pervert". It hurt at first. My buddy Sean looked over and gave me this concerned nod. The one you give your friends when you know they're about to throw up at a party. So I show Sean the text and he looks straight into my eyes and I know what he's thinking. He's telling me "Rick, you gotta tell her what's up" so I did. Ladies...looking at women is not considered perverted. Perverted to me is purposely knowing that your neighbor is about to change, so you put on a black jacket, run outside, wobble to the window and peep through the blinds. A pervert to me are hispanic males (yes, my brotheren) whistling and yelping at you women who walk by them and hungrily eye raping them when you don't want anything to do with them. Yes, I know rape is a strong word but when you girls complain about that look they give you, you act like you were just raped. You don't understand the essence of boobs. This show wasn't about getting a bunch of "perverts" together to stare at these girls while they were parading around their bikinis (good God I love this country). No, it was about the comradery of men (and the very few women that were there. God bless all those girls who came out to it.)and letting us rejoice at being an American. Can you imagine a world without boobs? Seriously...take like a minute and close your eyes and imagine a world without Hooter Girls, Strip Clubs, and Hookers. Do you see the chaos? If not, let me paint the picture. Crime would go up. Wars would be start without passing it through Congress. Women would get beat more and more. Do you want women to get beat? I certainly don't. I love you women. I look at boobs for you. We go to war to protect our rights as Americans to look at you beautiful women. That isn't perverted. That's Patriotic. What? You don't get how women would get beat if boobs weren't around? Here's how. A husband and his wife are fighting. They argue and argue and argue until the Man gets extremely upset. If there weren't strip clubs, guys would go out to a bar instead and just get hammered. This in turn would fill them with rage, go back home, and beat their spouse. Thankfully for strip clubs they can go there and bask in the gloryness of other ladies willing to show us their God given figure (or the gloryness of work that plastic surgeon did on Misty that's working that pole) and take a breather, go back home and give their wives the sweet loving we all want and need. So am I a pervert? Not at al. I'm an American. If you wanna call me a pervert for looking at girls willingly participating in this event, that's fine go right ahead. But I'm not the one supporting terrorism.

Peace, Love, and Boobs,
-Ricky

My Last New Years Resolution...

So many people who know me, can basically say I'm a pretty big flake when it comes to things. It kinda sucks because well, it's usually never my fault. For example, over the weekend I had plans to go out and do a bunch of things aka get some. Unfortunately, I cancelled plans because people wanted to hang with me. I said "fine I'll hang lets go to the beach". They said yeah and 5 minutes later, said no. I said "Come on over my house" they said yeah and next thing I know, I'm alone with a quart of Ben and Jerry's and watching Nailin Palin on the laptop. Long story short, I still felt like I flaked out on a bunch of people. I do it from time and time again and I want to cut that out. So what better way to do that then to come up with this idea...

When I initially had the idea, I thought I was an idiot. There's no way anyone can pull it off. Then I realized, it's me I'm talking about. I can do this. So friends and readers (all two of you who actually read this) I'm going to do the greatest thing in the world to rid of my "flake-e-ness" I guess you would call it. I'm proposing a ridiculously huge dodgeball game. So big, that it becomes the world record. From what I've read and researched, the biggest Dodgeball game is currently 100 people and that was done this year by the band Weezer. I don't know about your, but I'm better than Weezer. I don't want Weezer to have that record. I want that record to go to me, a guy who everyone considers a flake. If I pull this off, I can be a flake the rest of my life, but I always have this in my back pocket. I can see it now "Hey why don't you ask Ricky to come" "Nah, he'll probably flake last minute. "I don't know, remember the time we said that and he broke the world record?" "Shit you're right." This is basically what I want to happen. So everyone, listen up and listen good. By the end of this year, I'm going to break this record. If it costs me my job, my well being with my family, the end of relationship with friends, I'm going to do this at any cost. All I ask of you is this one last favor for this year. That favor is to join me in my quest to rid the sterotype of me and to break a world record. So are you in, or are you out? More details on the way...

XXooxxOO
Ricky

Big Announcement...

By the end of today. It's gonna happen...

Sent from my iPhone

If I only had a vagina...

then it would complete the experiance I'm going through right now. Before you ask yourself "is Ricky smokin the meat pole", the answer is no. Work has been pretty crazy and I've gone from a Hospital Manager to an Administrative Assistant aka Sexy Secretary. Step One in Ricky becoming a chick. After all this politics at the work place, I can now say I know what you girls feel like when you wait those dreaded 2 minutes to find out if you're knocked up or not. I'm waiting to see if I'm going to be having a job after tomorow or not. It's pretty ridiculous because corporate and my Director (the person I'm secretarying [is that a word?] for) says yes they want me but this District Manager is telling them no. I think it's because he's sexist. "But Ricky, you have an 11incher around" I know ladies I know but the thing is I'm turning into a chick. A big dyky one at that. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I've notice some things about girls and it's that the majority of the time, they love to get ready with one another and in the younger stages of woman-hood you dress up like one another. Let me paint this picture for you. I get to work at 8 in the morning today and I noticed that I didn't put gel, thanks to a female co-worker in the office. She gives me some weird gel I've never heard of and gives me a compact. I put the gel on and she starts giving hair tips and honestly listen to her and we start touching up my air. That's when it hit me. I'm a chick. On top of that, my boss walks in (she's a powerful women mind you) and she's wearing this like Jackie Kennedy type yellow jacket. Next thing I know I hear "Very nice shirt Ricardo where did you get it" and I tell her "Oh at Macys it was on sale." then the worst thing happened. One of the guy supervisors comes in and says "Hey Ricardo, did you call Ellen to make sure you two matched?" and I look down and remember...I'm wearing a nice yellow shirt. Then only thing left is my vagina. I need to do something manly now like watch MMA or...wait...F that. MMA is a bunch of guys rolling around half naked in a ring. I think that would further prove my gayness. Not that it's gay to watch it. Don't get me wrong. People who actually know what MMA is about and watches it for the competitivness and not cause some YouTube sensation is on the bill "fighting" are cool. (Sean don't hurt me. Nor you too Mark. You guys aren't gay. Jody is.) I think me being in the position I'm at watching MMA wouldn't help my cause. I think I need to watch porn. But lesbian porn. Or would that just make me gay anyways cause I'm turning into a chick so it would make me gay if I liked women too. Jesus Christ my head is hurting from all this thinking. Oh no...I'm getting a cramp..

An Aniversary of Sorts...

Finally I get around to writing a blog. Funny times because this day seems to be going my way the entire day. So I guess I'll jump straight into what today means to me. A year ago today, my life literally changed. The guy you have all come to know and love was starting to mold. The break up happened this time last year. And boy what a break up it was. I was in a relationship for almost 5 years. Unfortunately, we didn't make it. Am I sad about it? I'm not going to lie; I wish it would have worked out. But it didn't. And that's life. I can't sit here and cry about it like I had for 7 months. Well... I guess I am bitching about it since I'm actually taking the time to actually mention it instead of writing something funny. But hey, I need an off day. Anygay, would I go back? Probably not. I don't think ever. During a break up, as I'm sure a lot of you probably have gone through, you find out about the person you fell for but you also find out a little more about yourself. The thing for me is that I was too dependent on having a relationship. I wasn't really being myself to my full potential. Since the incident, I've done so much it's hilarious. I started doing stand up, which I need to pick back up on, and it got me to some pretty crazy opportunities. Like meeting Mel Brooks and getting advice from him. I can honestly say that Mel was on my dick that night because after he shook my hand, I immediately got in my car and jerked while I drove away from the $100,000 plate event. I've gone from doing stand up, getting closer to my family, hanging with my friends and meeting some new ones along the way, doing my first Dirty Sanchez, donkey punching the ladies, and much more. I know the question is probably going to come up if my ex was holding me back. The answer to that is no not at all. I just never had the guts to do any of that stuff because I was focused on making us happy and making sure we were ok. People change over time and that's usually the main reasons for break ups. I wasn't going to sit at home and practically kill myself because we broke up. I know how I used to get and that's why I started going out more. And thank God for friends because they know how emo I get. Which I hate using that word because I sound like a douche.

A Day with Grandma...

So the other day I spent some time with my Grandma. Pretty exciting times. Honestly, if you ever want to feel good about yourself, hang out with an old person. I was in the area the other day and my mom called me to let me know my grandma was feeling a little lonely since my grandpa went out for the day. I'm assuming he went out to the titty bar again but to each their own right? As I walk through that door, my grandma had this surprised look on her face to see me. I don't know if she was surprised to see that someone stopped by, or that she had just made fudge in her pants. Either way, I felt like she was glad to see me. I asked her if she wanted to go to the store or if she had any errands she wanted to do and I could drive her around and she obliged and let me take her to this outdoor mall by her house. As we're walking around the stores, I was kind of browsing at some shoes in the window. Next thing I know, I forgot I was with my grandma and kind of freaked out cause I couldn't find her. Then I heard her little Hispanic giggle and knew she was a few stores down. As I wobbled down, I noticed she was looking through a store window with this perplexed look on her face. I walked over to see what she was looking at and I noticed the neon lit store sign and instantly knew this was going to be bad. My grandma asked what the item was in the window and I was afraid to look. There was this red satin heart in the back ground with a 12in black dildo on a glass pedestal... shaped like another penis. I didn't know what to say so I just told her it was a baton and that cops shopped here. She said "Oh ok Mijo" and I decided to take her back home. Once we got to her house, I decided to try out the new Lazy Boy chair her and my Grandpa bought. Holy shit it felt like I was rufied about a minute after I sat down on it. I woke up scared and confused, my clothes were all disheveled, I felt dirty...it's a great chair. Once I woke up, I decided to make some food. You know that saying "Kids say the darndest things"? Get you an old person and check out the shit they say. I opened the fridge and out loud I said "I wish there was something here to make a sandwich.” Next thing I know, I hear my Grandma say "Mmm...a wish in one hand and shit in another." I just looked up and couldn't believe what I just heard so I just threw the lettuce back in and laughed. We decided to bbq instead since my Grandma loves eating steak. As I was making rice and steaming vegetables, my Grandma was trying to cut the meat and says "Aye this is harder then wang" I kid you not. It was insane. I just sat there shaken my head thinking poor Grandpa. You're not supposed to chew the wang Grandma. And then she plays these mind games with me it's pretty hilarious. I'll be sitting there waking up from my rufie induced sleep on that Lazy Boy and she'll say "It's nice out today. I think I'm going to clean out the garage." She's like 85, she's not going anywhere. It means I'm going to be cleaning out the garage. But I kind of outsmarted her after hearing her say things a few times. That day I hung out with her she said "Mijo, I think I'm going to go out and plant those flowers I have in the back." I looked at her and said "Oh gee Grandma, I think today you were going to go to the Drs. and getting your prescription weed and taking me to Hooters." She sits back and puts her hands on her head and says "Oh that's right." It's funny too because when I take her to her doctor’s appointments, they'll give her vicodin for anything. Chapped lips; a silo of vicodin. Ashy hands; a barrel of vicodin. It's insane. Anyways, that's my day with Grandma. Word...

-Ricky

Hello From My Couch Part II

It was brougt to my attention by my friend Sean that eating porn was taken out of context. I meant to say "There's only so much porn you can watch and Frito Pies you can eat..." I did not mean to literraly eat porn. Unless you're into eating DVD's or smutty magazines. To each their own though. So Sean and Dave and anyone else who actually reads this, I'm sorry for that confusion and this is an Editorial note to fix my mistake. And remember, don't be a daddy, cover your meat patty.

Hello from my couch....

Well I'm writing to you from my couch, one of the many exciting places that I will be hitting up today. Next, I'm gonna party on into the garage and maybe try and play drums. I figure with all this free time I gotta do something productive. There's only so much porn and Frito Pies you can eat before you feel like Larry Flint on a Friday night. I think this is the most free time I have ever had in my life. Everyone was telling me I could use the time off to relax, but it's been kind of boring. I've been sleeping in til 9 or 10 and not showering until 5 at night when I have to go to school. Fun times on my end. Up until last week I was looking like one of the Oklahoma City bombers. My beard was getting pretty nasty and my hair was longer than Ron Jeremy's dong. What? And then I wonder why I'm a single ha. Actually, it's been about a year since I've been single. Lot of ups, lot of downs, but It's been good. You meet a lot of people. I think I've said that before. A few blind dates here and there but nothing really special. It's kind of hard for me to actually date someone as stupid as that sounds. I usually get put in that "Friends" category. I mean, you can always use friends, but sometimes it gets kind a little tiring. My problem is, I'm not really forward with what I want. I'm always unsure about everything. From what to eat, to where to go, from "should I wear my Incredible Hulk Underwear or Elephant Thong" debates, always unsure. Plus, knowning if someone likes me or not is not my greatest quality. I'm pretty blind when it comes to that stuff. Which is why I'm kind of in a pickle or a situation. It's funny cause the person I'm into gives me the butterflies whenever I hear from her. I really don't know how to go about this, so maybe someone will give me some advice on what to do ha. All I know is that for Halloween, I'm gonna be a Sexy Bumblebee and hopefully that doesn't scare her off haha. Anyways, I gotta go kill some terrorists online aka play games. Holler. I'm probably gonna do a short film in a bit and I'll post it up here. I'm that bored.

Viva Las Vegas

What it do nephews. Well I just got back from Vegas and wow, could
shit get any funnier there? The capital of booze, floozy women, and
wrong decisions. When you step into the city, there's this feeling of
"Im a someone here, so let's fuck things up". When I first arrived to
Vegas to pick up my buddy, it didn't really hit me until my buddy Kk
pointed something out. "Dude check out that guy Rick". I look over at
the airport baggage claim and there's a guy, solo, wearing an orange
prisoner-esque jumpsuit with the lettering of "Dead man walking"
enscribed on the back. It was his last weekend before his wedding.
That's when it hit me. It's party time. As my buddy Derek finally got
up to us, we were more than ready to party. I don't think it really
matters where you stay in Vegas because every place just gives this
aura of good times. We stayed at probably the shittiest place you
could stay at on the strip, but it didn't matter because when you
drink, your body will crash anywhere. It's true, one time I woke up on
the beach. But that's a different story for a different day. Point is,
Vegas changes who you are and lets you forget all the worries in your
life. Now, those who know me know that when I talk to women, I'm like
Woody Allen, I have no idea what to do. I stutter, mumble words, talk
fast, the whole works. In Vegas, I'm like the Charlie Sheen of all 22
year olds, minus the casual sex and douchbaginess. I can actually talk
to women. I told my amigos that I was going to be the best wingman I
can, and they too would be it in return. Two chicks were walking by,
pretty good looking and one wearing a Nebraska State t-shirt. I yelled
out "Nebraska!" and the chick stopped and was like "woooooo" so I told
her I was from there and she loved it. Then, she asked where I was
from. I was like "huh what?" and Kk kept whispering "Lincoln, Lincoln,
Lincoln" "oh I'm from Lincoln". So we talked and went our way. Low and
behold we crossed each others path again and I yelled Nebraska and she
yelled "I love you".

Now, I can sit here and tell you all these other stories, but some
stuff just has to stay there. Vegas is the American Dream. Screw
owning a house, getting a good job, or even having a smoking hot
spouse. Going to Vegas is the like celebrating your American-ness.
You're not an American unless you go there once in your life. It
brings people together, no matter what gender, age, or race. Here's an
example before I go. Strip clubs are great. I'm not gonna lie. It's
like watching a Broadway Play or Musical. You have women (or men if
you're into that) dancing onstage to entertain you. On top of that, it
takes GREAT acting ability to get that close to a stranger and make
them feel like you are Gods gift to this world. As I was sitting there
in probably a stained chair, I saw probably the most unattractive guy
in the world. The dude was probably pushing 350, sweating everywhere,
long bushy hair, and like a 2ft beard. I looked at the dancer. About
5'4, huge boobies, great ass, brunette, and workin it. I looked at
those two and saw them lock eyes and I looked at his goofy ass smile
and I'm sure he had a chubby but at that same time something occurred.
I realized those two weren't just customer and client, but Americans.
As I was about to chant USA, my buddy Kk tapped me on the shoulder and
said "Rick look. No way". I looked to my left and saw the same fuckin
guy from the airport, the one wearing the orange jumpsuit. He noticed
us looking as a dancer was dropping her ass on his face and saluted
us, and we saluted back. So friends, if everything is wrong in your
life or you just need to feel comradery with your fellow American, go
to Vegas. Viva Las Vegas bitches

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

It's been a long time...

since I've written a little blurp about what's been going on. Um...what a week I can tell you that much. I had a little stand up show for a bunch of celebrities and rich folk in Beverly Hills, what a treat that was. Honestly, I'm still on cloud 9 and It's been like 4 days since it happened. There's been a lot going on with the world. The first Presidential debate happened last Friday, playoffs for Baseball start tomorrow, and I think I finally got my crabs taken care of. There's stuff about politics I really don't get. I get all the lying, don't get me wrong. I think it's ok to lie just a tad when the moment is right. Like telling your kids Santa is real or telling the struggling actress you met at the bar that your best friend is a movie producer. But to start lying that the majority of Americans like you to be President? That's a little absurd. Over the weekend McCain was talking to a group of journalist and one of them asked him how he felt about coming 2nd in the polls to Obama and he stated that "My campaign don't feel that poll is accurate considering what we see and read on the internet thanks to websites. We are in favor to win this election". Huh? Really? The majority of Americans want you, a guy whose probably going to die during inauguration to the celebratory gunshots because you'll have a flashback of 'Nam and have a heartattack while screaming "Kill the gooks", is going to win. You gotta be shitting me. Oh hey, Jesus and Hitler were actually second cousins. Sarah Palin gave Bigfoot a blowjob while she was hunting in Alaska. It comes from a website, so it must be true. McCain, you're an idiot.

My Thoughts to Your Response

Holy shit, I did not think I would get a lot of you to actually e-mail me or send me a message through Myspace with a million topics. Literarily, I counted a million. It took me all day. Um…so let’s see, where should I start….

“Why don’t you talk about lesbians”…Steph
I’ve only lived about 22 years on this earth and at the ripe old age of 13, when I first saw my first pair of giant big gulps (boobs, double whoppers, bahama mammas), I came to the conclusion that there are two kinds of people on the earth. You either love lesbians, or you kind of like them. That’s it. If you say you don’t like it, I’d call you a liar. Lesbians are by far the greatest group of people in my eyes. Even greater then strippers, but I digress. There’s nothing more beautiful than a women. Unless you know, she’s like 87 with saggy boobs and f-ed up teeth and can honestly admit she invented the hand job. Women are beautiful. Guys know it, girls know it, God knows it, Ronald McDonald knows it, Mayor McCheese knows it, and everyone knows it. See, there’s stuff about women that guys can never amount to. As best said by my awesome friend Dom, “Women have vaginas and we control the universe”. You girls have the option to smell like anything in the world and that excites me. One day you can smell like vanilla bean ice cream, the next you can smell like green apples. You guys can no joke, smell like I’m walking into a bakery and I love it. On top of that, you have all these moisturizers and creams and lotions that make your skin feel smoother than my greasy face. Then you have boobs and asses. It’s a Tri-fecta of absolute stunning-ness. So what makes a woman better? Adding another one into the mix. See, that’s why lesbians are probably the best thing on this earth. I would give my life, just to see you chicks go at it. Sure, call me a perv, call me a freak, hell call me a creep, but there’s something about two girls enjoying each other’s company and I love that, America loves it, and other lesbians love it. Almost as much as I love cheeseburgers. You know what they say, 4 boobs are better than 2. I’m all for the lesbians so let it be written, so let it be done.

” uuum uum, strip club blues, sitting in traffic, orange sticks ,azn drivers, old driversuuum, john cusak, girls that dance with ONLY their girl friends at clubs, blacks that talk way to much about god knows what, growing up ,growing nuts, guy rollerskaters, gay rollerskaters, why girls dress slutty but swear their notuuum, good movies staring nobodies, changing up your life schedule, starting a HXC acoustic band, blow job marathons, justin timberlake”…Drew

God Damn Drew…I don’t even know where to start…Um…I’ve been wanting to vent about Justin Timberlake for the longest time so I’ll svtart off there. Justin Timberlake is the biggest cock block I know. I don’t know him personally per say, but he’s cock blocked me as well as everyone other guy on this earth. So obviously you know that Justin is trying to bring sexy back. But why does he have to bring it back the way he’s doing it? The dude can dance, sing, has great looks, and great personality. I can’t compete with that. Justin, if you ever run into this blog, I can’t compete with you and you’re making it hard to get mine. I just don’t get why he doesn’t help out the common man. Couldn’t bringing sexy back add like maybe a couple of pimples, slight round belly, maybe being a nerd? I don’t get why he has to outdo us and dance and sing and whatnot. So come on Justin, help out your common man. Stop cock blocking me with your toe tapping and incredible singing.

For the hardcore acoustic band, I want to be called Acousticore (If you click the link, it's actually little project I did like 2 years ago haha) and I want our first single to be called “I support drunk driving because if you crash your car and killed a baby, you might have killed baby Hitler and saved the world one more time from harm” or ISDDBIYCYCAKABYMHKBHASTWOMTFH for short.
I’ll get on the rest later Drew, that’s a lot of stuff…

“Hey, I want to hear your thoughts on either the current state of Russian political affairs, viable public transportation options for the urban and greater Los Angeles region, or possible solutions to California’s budget crisis. Yours Forever, Michael D. Joy”

First off Mr. Joy, I’m glad you asked. I’ll start with Russia. Russia… the cold land, abundance of vodka, and mail-order brides. Nothing can be better than current day Russia. And who do we have to thank, Russian politics. You see Michael, as I’m sure you are already aware, Russia has insured that all powers in the country is Presidential. You can thank ex-president Vladmir Putin. You’re probably asking yourself “What the fuck does that mean” and I can honestly tell you, I have no idea. I just Wikipedia it to make myself look like I know what I’m talking about. I know that the new president Dmitry Medvedev just bought a bunch of new weapons in response to us arming Georgia. What does that mean? Who knows, maybe another cold war. I just know is that I’m scared as shit because I don’t want to have some Russian come to my country and after shooting a friend telling me “If he dies, he dies” like that dude in Rocky. That’s scary in itself.
I’m going to tie in the Californian budget and public transportation into one. As being a fellow Southern Californian, transportation is probably the biggest issue here. There are too many illegal aliens driving so that screws us who have a real license and didn’t buy it off Jose from McArthur Park. The best thing that I’ve taken is the Metro. The Metro is the best thing I’ve ever done. Need to go to Hollywood, jump on the Metrolink and take the Metro Gold line for like 5 bucks. That saves you so much money in gas. What can you do with that saved money? Probably buy pot. And where you can buy pot? From 7-11 because the state should legalize Marijuana and tax it so it would help cut down the state budget crises. I’m going to go ahead and say it already, Arnold (our governator) is a moron. He couldn’t be any more retarded. The Retarded Policeman from YouTube can run this state a whole lot better than this guy. These lawmakers are stupid because their way of “trying to fix the crisis” is by raising College Tuition. If us college kids weren’t broke already from buying pot, there’s no way in hell we can afford to go to school. So how does raising my school tuition and me dropping out as well as other kids who can’t afford school, get the state money? If we drop out from school, and no offense to anyone, I’m probably going to end of being a lifer at Footlocker or Disneyland getting paid a ridiculously low amount of money degrading myself to little shit kids who want to ride Little Nemo 8 times in a row and scream and cry about it. Why not lower tuition, which will in turn cause more people to go to school and get a degree and obtain a good career with a high paying salary, then tax the hell out of us once we are rich and established. We’ll have a good job, so we won’t care and thus getting the state money. But I’m a 22 year old Hispanic male so what do I know. I’m supposed to be a farm worker.

“How’s the single life working out and what do you look for in a girl?”….Jennifer

Well Jennifer thanks for taking the time to e-mail. According to a comment I saw in the last blog, I’m a lesbian so I’ll tell you what I look for in the same sex. While I was having “girl-talk” over the weekend, I was told I have high-expectations. I denied it at first, but after looking at myself, I have expectations. Obviously, looks have somewhat of an importance because as a girl, and my other sista’s can agree, it takes a woman 15 seconds to determine if she’s going to sleep with you. So, you gotta look good at that first impression. Honestly though, I’m really not all that picky. I like a girl who likes long walks on the beach, reading mystery novels by a fireplace, and feeding bon-bons to one another while listening to Rod Stewarts “If you think I’m sexy”. If you can tell from this blog, a girl who has a great sense of humor is a huge plus to me. There are maybe a few girls that can honestly make me laugh ridiculously hard in my life. Obviously a chick who’s not a psycho would add to the mix. Someone who doesn’t mind being spontaneous once in a while instead of sitting at home watching re-runs of the Simpsons, although that too is great. Tattoos, glasses, and piercings are perfect. I feel like I’m writing a profile for Match.com. That has to be last thing any single guy or girl needs to do before just going to the garage and hanging yourself. That or Craigslist. I usually find my dates on Craigslist under Missed Connections. For those who don’t know, Missed Connections is where you go to write about someone you wanted to have a connection with in a real life situation but you let it slip. So you come to this part of the site in hopes of fate coming into play and having that very same person go on there and reading what you wrote. 100% of the time, it’s going to be a person of the opposite sex just trying to find love. And that’s where I go to take advantage of it. There was this posting that said “You: In line at Vons on Sunset and La Brea. Hispanic, maybe in your 20’s. Me: White shirt that day and behind you while you were picking out fruit and I was over hearing your funny phone conversation” so I replied back, knowing it wasn’t me and faked the whole thing e-mailing her “Oh my god, that’s so strange I knew you would be writing on here” and had the greatest weekend ever. I eventually just told her that I was moving to Iraq to fight the war on terror. So now my buddy gets nudy pictures of this chick while he’s in the army, and I’m left with the memories. It’s a win win. But I’m basically just looking for a cool chick who’s into music, artsy stuff, and being cool.

There’s a bunch more of you that sent me e-mails and stuff on myspace so I’ll be checking those out later on.
iBlogBetterThanYourMom@gmail.com

xoxo
-Ricky
Currently Listening to
Vampire Weekend

Got Questions, Comments, Concerns??

So I'm usually the go to guy for advice and I thought I'd throw some advice to you all on here. I'm a little wrapped up with work, school, and filming so if you want me to hear me rant about a particular topic or have a question in general, feel free to send them to iBlogBetterThanYourMom@gmail.com and I'll post them up on here along with my words of thought. I figure I'd let you guys have something to do with this site. Holler at a player....

-Ricky

Here's some advice...

Yeah don't jump in a bed with two girls. They punch and scream. Not
good, not good at all. Can someone call my mom for bail money

Sent from my iPhone

How Ricky Got His Groove Back...

...and by groove I mean dancing. Although my dream of going to bed
with two ladies is kinda coming true (even though both of those girls
are in the same bed and I'm sleeping with my guitar). So far, so good.
For most of those who don't know me, I don't dance. I think when God
decided to make people, then distinguished who was going to be fat and
skinny, I don't think he thought about giving fat people rythem, which
I have none. However I do a kick ass robot. My friends Steph and
Hannah decided to take me to this thing called Street Scene. At first
when I heard it, I instantly thought "fuck Heist, I don't do clubs".
They then informed me it was a concert. I thought I would be hangin
around a bunch of scene kids and listen to a ton of hardcore bands.
Turns out, I was way off. First little band we saw was Hot Chip. It's
safe to say Hot Chip is Hot Shit. They set the mood to what I was
getting my feet into. After walking around aimlessly and spinning
minature TPIR (The Price is Right) wheels, we made it to this band
called Diplo (or Dildo who knows). For once in my life I danced. I
remember seeing Stephs face like I just took a shit on a Grandma and
she was amazed by my dancing. I make Michael Jackson look like Malcom
X when I get down. So after sweating off the poundage, we made our way
over to a few other bands and danced the night away. I don't think
I've ever danced this much in my life. I'm sure if my feet could talk,
they'd probably tell me to go fuck myself for moving all that weight
around. Well I'm gonna go to sleep, I'm watching infomercials on the
Shamwow and I gotta call 1-800-Shamwow to order and I get a free pair
of knives that cut steel. Also, I gotta figure out how to get in the
same bed as the girls. I don't know if I should wait until they're
asleep or just ask him. I'm lonely in this bed. Ha.

Sent from my iPhone

-Ricky

Goodbye Fat, Hello Skinny (Well, kinda)

Editors Note- If you haven’t already, please take my blog with a grain of Salt. I really don’t mean to offend anyone but if I do, take a step back and look into your own humor and see if it’s there. If it’s not, look up your ass because I’m sure it’s there. Actually, move that stick that’s up in your ass or take it out then the humor will flow out. The Following is a “Dear John” letter to my Fat and a love letter to my future Skinny Self. This has no other meaning, it’s just a joke. I borrowed the idea from my new found friend Jeanette who writes a blog on http://tragedyofleaves.blogspot.com/ the best form of flattery is stealing. So I stole this haha. Enjoy


Dearest Fat,
As you can see, we've been kind of going through a different time in our lives and we're at different places in what we want to achieve with our current relationship. I know you can kind of assume where I'm heading with this letter but it's much more then that. It's a bigger meaning than you and I and somehow, you just need to grasp it. Listen, Fat, I love you. Probably more than I love anything in this world. I love the way you make me feel on a cold wintery night. I love how I can lay down, watch a movie, and place a nice cold brewski on you without hearing you complain. I love how you make me feel when I see you having pleasure with Fried Foods. I know it's a little weird but I love it. I love you so much that even the smell of you tickles me and creates this salivation in my mouth that only you can do. You're one of a kind. But...like most things in life, "the good things come to an end". I know, I hate clichés too because they really are just a stupid pun to make the other person understand because you don't but it's true. You've been holding me down for quite some time and I need you to kind of back away. I need air, I need to breathe. It's just...it's not me, it's you. You do these things to me that I hate myself for doing afterwards. I know I'm coming off a little harsh Fat but it's true. I feel dirty after I have my way with you. The sad thing is, I kind of feel like a hooker after she exits that motel room. I know what they go through and I honestly never wanted to feel so used and violated. That's what hurts me the most. You say you love me, but you hurt me. On top of that, you cock-block me. You don't understand how hard it is to talk to someone literally half the size of you. You don't know because you are kept hidden. I want to wear bright colors Fat and you won't let me do that. There's only so much black I can wear that can hide you. I bought a striped shirt that's pretty bad ass and I can't even wear it because stripes make you stand out. I'm sorry I'm getting so angry but you've been with me since I was in the 4th grade. My buddy Sloppy Joe introduced me to you and then it was love at first sight. So Fat...I need to move on. To quote Robert Frost, I "need to take the road less traveled" and that means a road without you. I'm sorry Fat, but I need to do this. You do things where my mouth might like, but my ass needs an explanation as to what is going on up there. Like most break ups, we might run into each other and if I'm up for it, I might want to catch up with you and see how you're doing and who knows, maybe we'll have the break up hook up some time in the future and we have a threesome with Colonel Sanders and his chickens but right now, I need to move on. Take care Fat, I love you and this separation is going to be hard, but always know that some kid in Africa would love to meet you.

One Love,
Ricky



Dearest Skinny,
I finally did it. I broke it off with Fat. I don't know if you got my e-mail, text message, or phone calls but I did it. Now we can move on. I know life is going to be a little better just cause of the fact that I can probably play sports a lot better or fit in a swing set, but I'm glad you're around. You make me feel young again and I haven't felt that in such a long time. Don't get me wrong, I know we had a secret affair when we were on that indoor soccer team together or got the Nintendo Wii and worked out, but it wasn't the same as what we have now. I don't want me to be clingy or anything either, I'm just kind of new to this whole thing. It's going to take time for each of us to get to know one another and that's fine. I'm glad I'm going to have you as my wing(man?) Skinny. Unlike Fat, you're pretty outgoing. I just don't want to bug you but I want you to know I'm happy with what's in store for us. I just want to apologize and if I screw up and flirt with Fat, but it's just because Fat's been with me for so long that we have this connection. I mean, Fat encouraged me to eat 33 wings in one sitting to beat my friend Mark. I don't know if Fat cared about my well-being or what but that night I was dying. So I'm terribly sorry if Fat whisks me away for a night. I'm just glad you're cool with it and I promise if Fat does make me eat a ton of pizza or chips or candy or fried rice or whatever, I know you'll be there with open arms to get me back into shape with tough love. Tough love, that's something Fat didn't do for me. So thank you Skinny, I'm glad to have you and I like forward to our transition.

xoxo,
Ricky

First Major Setback...and Single Life

Alright, so with every great event, there always comes a set back. Genocide of Jews before D-Day, the death of Martin Luther King Jr before Civil Rights, the heartache of going from Mermaid to Woman back to Mermaid then back to Women in The Little Mermaid, and finally me. So after about 3 days of filming I was editing things on my computer last night and I don't know what I did but I deleted every single thing I've filmed. I'm not going to lie; it wasn't much considering the fact that all my ideas of making this great through out the window on Sunday. Nevertheless, I had made what I had into gold. So now, I basically have to start from scratch. And that's ok. Actually, it works out. My Thursday night class was cancelled completely for the semester so my sister and I are probably going to the fair. I can actually film my fair stuff that I wanted to do. On top of that, I never got to do an official weigh-in. I went to Target yesterday and bought Tailor Tape, a digital scale, and this thing called the Hydra Coach (which is f-in ridiculous). I think I'm going to do the weigh-in today with my family just to see their reactions, which wouldn't surprise me with what I'm going to hear. So I'm a little more prepared about what I'm going to do. Someone was asking me if I'm filming all my life aspects and if friends were going to be in it or whatnot. Um, not everything I do is going to be filmed. One, I don't have a camera crew because I'm really just a no one and two, I don't think you want to see me naked in the shower. Orrr do you? Anygay, as far as friends in it, more than likely yes. If you don't want to be in it that's fine I'll edit you out or give you one of those blurry faces kinda like what they do when little kids get touched by priests or whomever. So that's a little update with what is going on. I'm hoping by this weekend I can get something up online...

So the single life; what a whore that has been. Really, I'm not the one to be single. Probably because I've been in a relationship the majority of my post-pubescent life. To kind of give you my background, I was in an almost 5 year relationship (one month shy) boo hoo right? Everyone has break-ups so I'm kinda over that whole "woe is me" kind of phase. Shit happens, people move on or don't. Anyhoozle, I'm sure all of you have had a break up before and know the aftermath. You divide the things you both want and move on your separate lives. Some of you are left with old love letters, sentimental items, mix-tapes you made each other, photos, all that junk. In my case, I was left with weight. You don't realize how much weight you put on in a relationship because the other person doesn't want to get you pissed off and cause a fight, that will eventually lead to eating late at night because you didn't answer "how does my haircut look" right and food calms you down. The bad thing is, after you get past the sad phase and ready to meet other people, you're about 100 pounds heavier then you started, which makes it a little harder. See, I know some girls worry about guys cheating on them and/or lying to them about other girls. I'm not going to lie, but I probably will. It won't be on girls though. I'm going to lie about having a Chicken Sandwich or a Ben and Jerry's Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream. I know the question of "Did you eat yet because I'm starving from working" will come up and I'm going to say "No, I'm starving too" as I'm on the phone with you eating a Pot Pie from Marie Calendars. It's going to happen. I'm sorry. I think that's why I'm trying to lose the weight is to stop lying to you girls about eating...
Also, the whole single life "game" has changed from when I first started. The last time I was single, I had to ask my mom for a ride to meet someone at the movies. Now, I can drive myself while under the influence. And the questions are so much harder to ask girls. Before it was just like "Man don't you hate math class?" or "Can you meet me by the gym at lunch?". Now it's "Um, are you sure you're a woman? And how well can you keep a secret if you're not". You don't understand how many times I've been at a bar and checked out a chick who then one of my friend’s points and says "Dude check out that chick. It's a guy" I didn't run into that back in freshman year. It sucks because when you finally take that girl home and you're ready and holding yourself, then she walks outta the bathroom holding herself and you're like "Holy shit, I think I'm about to joust" then the second thought is "I thought cock-fighting is illegal in California"...ha, then I wonder why I'm still single with this blog and the shit I write. Jesus Christ..


-Ricky
Current Playlist
Say Anything- People Like You Are Why People Like Me Exist
Thrice-DeadBolt
A Day to Remember- You Should've Killed Me When You Had The Chance
Tina Turner- Tiny Dancer

Addicitions

Before I begin with my rant, here's a little update with filming. I'm filming. That's an update. This losing weight thing is going to be harder than I thought. I played tennis yesterday with my buddy Baby Sinclair and damn. I wasn't at all feeling it yesterday but today it felt like a Gorilla raped me. I'm hurting everywhere. It sucks. I wish I was filming yesterday when we played because I thought I would be funny and jump over the net and spike the ball but when I jumped, my weight shifted over and gravity decided to throw me down and I ate shit. To me, it felt like I was falling at a 100 miles an hour but I'm sure it was all in slow motion. You lose your sense of speed when you're overweight. Anyways....
So I was talking to a friend of mine the other night about addictions. We all have them. Whether we are addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, To Catch a Predator (I miss that show), we have them. We got into a huge argument when I made the statement that my addiction to cheeseburgers is worse than his addiction to cigarettes. It's harder to quit cheeseburgers than a pack of smokes. Now before you laugh, hear me out. Yes, you can decide to quit eating cheeseburgers with enough will power but that's all we have. When you decide to quit smoking, you have a plethora of options to help you in your quest to quit like patches or pills. When you see a commercial for Camel Joes, you can just get that patch and put it right on your arm and let the Nicoderm do it's thing. I see commercials of people screaming to get their whopper on hidden cameras and I can feel for them. It's not like I can take a pill and that's it. If anything, we are probably going to make a mistake and think it's a pill but it's a Cheeseburger Jelly Belly. Then we'd really get screwed over. My second point is, no matter how young you were when you started smoking, we started eating cheeseburgers a lot younger. You know you're mom would come home and hear you bitch and moan about how hungry you are and she'd go out and get you that Happy Meal just to shut you up. It's not like they're going to come home and say "Here this should calm you down" and toss you a pack. Case in point, food addiction is a little harder to quit than cigarettes.

I may bef ucked uo

But God hates me. I'm more than certain

Sent from my iPhone

Day 1 of Documentary

So I just got my über cool camera and I've been kind of missing around
with it and filming pointless shit and then I'm going to edit it later
to test out this software I downloaded. This is like my last kind of
"let loose" weekend. No more participating in Wet T-Shirt contests, no
more drinking because that chick I was talking to was actually a dude,
and definatly no more eating at like 11 at night when people try and
call my bluff at a late night Pinks run. Plus, now I have a camera to
record my stand up! Ha. Finally everyone can see how bad I am. So the
agenda for today is to buy a microphone for the fair stuff I'm going
to do. Later tonight, raging. Then tomorrow cure the hangover and eat
as much fried food as I can.

Sent from my iPhone

I feel gay...

this patient is playing "Beauty and the Beast" on the Piano next to my office, I fucking know the words...wow I'm gay. It's actually pretty though.


Update
Now he's playing some Little Mermaid tune. I think when she becomes a human??? i don't know. I'm gay, but not that gay

School...actually enjoyable

The first week of school finished wrapping up and now it's time for week two. There's something kind of retarded about the first day of class. I don't know about you guys, but I usually take a seat in the back of the class just so I can scope out who the hell is going to be in it, and who actually seems like cool to talk to. Then there's always a series of events that take place. The first is the "cute" person in class. Most of us guys always want to know if we are going to get some eye candy in class. Yes, I know that seems kind of juvenile but I'm telling you that I don't want to be stuck in class listening to a professor talk in words that I'm sure 95% of the class is not going to get, but will nod there head as the teacher makes eye contact with them, and not have anything else to look at. I'm sure most of you who read this blog can actually admit that you do this. I do, that's for sure. My philosophy teacher looked me right in the eye and said something in Greek and I just rubbed my chin while nodding yes and he smiled and gave me the thumbs up. Also, there's only so much texting underneath your backpack you can do. The next event that will occur is the dead silence. Everyone is in class, the teacher isn't quite there yet and you always have that one a-hole that will try and make a joke that no one will laugh at and make that guy feel like a total idiot. I am also that guy. The bad thing about college is that when you sign up for class, almost all of the students will sign up with a friend so they can help each other out and not deal with making new friends. Usually this comes in handy when teachers start talking about projects. That word is like a drug to people. Because when projects get mentioned, you immediately think group projects. I was sitting in photo and my teacher mention projects and almost simultaneously, these groups of girl’s eye-fuck each other and start doing baseball signs saying "will you be my partner" to their friends. Oh yeah, I know this ladies. I cracked the code the other night. I'm starting to crack all these codes you girls play with us guys. Like when we ask you if we can go have a guys night out and you have to check with the Mrs.. She has that tone in her voice that's like "Yeahh...go have fun with the guys. I'll stay at home tonight". What she's really saying is "You bet your ass you're going with the guys". It's true. I think women should have like a rattle like rattlesnakes just so we kind of know if we're about to make the wrong decision. "Hey Mike's right, your cousin is a little cute after the surgery" rattle rattle rattle "...cute in a Sloth from Goonies kind of way". In a way, I kind of hate group projects though. Maybe like one partner but that's it. You always get that kid in class who you give him or her their part to do and they always "forget" or say "they were busy at work" or "I just found out I have AIDS so I was just bummed this whole week". Excuses… Or you get the kid in class who seems to know everything about that subject. Which is a ridiculously douchey thing of them. Why take a class you already know? I have this kid in my philosophy class who tries to answer the question and then gets it completely wrong the entire time, But then he tries to argue that he's right. Um, I'm pretty sure the professor who has a PHD in this and has done numerous thesis's on this topic and actually teaches the class would probably kind of know what he's teaching. Oh and don't get my started on my other class. Jesus Christ it's like 4th grade. She makes us read some of the chapters in class out loud like we don't know how to read ourselves. The best is seeing people scramble and count how many kids are in front of them so they see what paragraph they have to read to see if it's long or short. You hear a bunch of "oh man's" when people get the long paragraph. I counted too back in the day. Then again, I know how to actually read now so I don't spend 15 minutes trying to annunciate the word island in 20 different ways like some of these other retards. But those are my classes so far and it's actually enjoyable.

Filming Begins This Saturday...

Alright, so we are gearing up to what is going to be a pretty exciting 4-6 months. And when I say we, I mean myself and my body. I know a lot of people are probably thinking "This is just going to be another one of Ricky's failed attempts at losing weight" and who knows. You might be right, you might not. After laying down the other night on a T-Rex foot (Yes, completely serious), everything that has been going on lately kind of motivated me to make this the best thing I can think of. There's a lot of stuff that attributed to my weight gain through my life like boredom, easy access to food, bad choices in food, a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend (same person, you eat a lot when you're sad) everything. Well, it kind of has to stop and I gotta take more control of it. Obesity is the second leading cause of death in the U.S. On top of that 127 million Americans are over-weight and about 60 million are obese. I fall into that category. That's probably because my gut has grown with the increase of beer I've been drinking. But beer is delicious, I'm sure anyone can tell you that. However, I let myself go. As hard as it is to imagine, I used to be skinny way back in the day. I remember back when I was a semen, my head was big but my body was uber skinny. True story. There are a few reasons why I want to lose weight. Actually, 250 reasons (I think that's how much I weigh but we will find out after the weigh-in ceremony on Saturday). You're probably like "Holy shit that's a lot" and yeah it is. I could give the excuse saying "well I don't look like 250 pounds" but I think my man tits speak for themselves. As childish as it is, one of the main reasons I want to lose weight is to be able to regain my self-confidence. It's actually one of the main reasons. Instead of saying "Yeah my six-pack is in my cooler" and point to my gut, I want to be able to say "I brought the six-pack, who's ready to party" then lift my shirt up and cannon ball in a pool. I want to be able to crowd surf again and actually be moved instead of held up in the air and the kids dying underneath me. I want to be able to go to a show, hurry up on stage, and crowd surf. I kind of want the fat jokes to stop. Actually, i find them pretty hilarious. That I really don't mind but all in good fun. I have a lot of stuff planned I haven't told anyone yet and I really don't plan on until it goes through. I've been doing a lot of e-mailing and texting to certain people and I'm trying to get some familiar faces in this documentary, whether it be an interview, a workout partner, anything. So friends, 5 more days until the first shoot and Monday the 15th starts the intense workout and dieting. If you want to come to the weigh-in (But be forewarn, it's going to be a little nutty) this Saturday let me know. I was going to do a farewell party Sunday, but actually I might have my last meal at the fair. What better way to say good-bye to delicious food then ate a ton of it. Thanks to everyone who has e-mailed me, MySpace me, everything. I really do appreciate it and I actually plan on putting those e-mails and words of encouragement or discouragement in the documentary probably at the end. Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it.

Untitled Fat to Skinny Documentary...

So I'm sitting at my school a little early to add a class so I figure
I'd blog about a project I'm working on. With my day job, I meet a ton
of bad ass people. From patients to caregivers, you meet a lot of
interesting people. Well I became pretty close to a patients husband,
and not in that way. Ok maybe a little but I've been lonely lately.
Anyhoozle, we've been having talks on being overweight and trying to
lose it and had a few jokes. It was then thought to make a small
independent documentary on me losing weight in the next few months. I
know I'm not the biggest person out there but I come pretty close. So
starting in 2 days I'm starting filming. I'm filming the good, the
bad, the nasty. I plan on speaking with doctors and maybe bring a
funny light to being overweight and the struggles that come with it
like looking for sizes you thought would fit you, trying to talk to
the opposite sex, finally seeing my old buddy Mr. Penis again, and
getting accepted into the finer things in life like society. You see,
heavy people are always shunned from the pretty and the skinny. It's a
fact. Honestly, I wouldn't want to take off my shirt around my friends
because
1) They'll make fun of me
2) I'd have to somehow explain my stretch marks are actually tiger
claws because I saved a baby from one
3) My self confidence is pretty low about my weight
That's pretty much just a little sum of what I'm doing so if you see
me with a camera, you're probably going to be in it. Time for class.

xoxo
-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

Trip to Laughlin

Yesterday can be summed up into two words…Jesus Christ. I had to drive out to Laughlin for the day to help my Dad deliver a truck to a customer. Problem was I had to drive by myself for four hours. Aside from that, I was thought to be a threat to California Agriculture, gained new appreciations for Rednecks, lessened my appreciation for Cougars, found out I can win table games when I have no idea how the game is played, and have a feeling that my Dad thinks his son may be a little less straight then what previously thought…

 

Driving Four Hours Does Wonder on the Brain

If there’s anything I can actually teach you in life, it would probably be don’t drive to Laughlin by yourself and think. Seriously; Don’t even think now. I get a ton of random thoughts in my head, everyone is aware of that. I don’t know what I was listening to, but I got to thinking about cheesy pick-up lines that I probably would have done if my buddies Mike and Dave came along with me on the trip. Here are probably 3 of the most retarded ones I came up with

1. How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi I’m Ricky…bam.
2. Knock Knock. Whose there? Ricky, nice to meet you…wham-o
3. Wow, you with all those curves and me with no brakes…

Other things on my mind, why do strip clubs always have bright neon signs that say “LIVE NUDE!!!” are there some strip clubs that bring in the necrophiliac crowd? When the “Burn-o­ut­-in-the-Parking-Lot-Guy” goes home at night, does he just do a fist pump in the air and says to himself “I just nailed that Albertson’s. Next, the mall…” Who the fuck is Joanie and does she really love Chachi?

 

A New Breed of Rednecks

During the time I was thinking and singing some tuneski’s, I got lost. I swear to God, I thought I was in the movie The Hills Have Eyes. I thought some mutant was going to come down, blow my tires, and I was going to awake to me getting raped by some Zombie thing. After wiping the tears from my eyes, I managed to make it back to the highway and went to one of the scariest looking gas stations ever constructed in the Western Hemisphere. As I walked in, I couldn’t help but notice the enormous amount of “Don’t Tread on Me” and “These Colors Don’t Run” American flag banners hanging up all over the place. After looking at an old 1970’s advertisement for Tad soda, this guy spins his swivel chair and says “Wat can I help you with boy”. After realizing that this dude was part of the Confederate Army (Thanks to the help of his t-shirt that said Confederates Do It Better) I managed to mumble out “Yeah, Hi sir, I’m looking on how to get back to Bullhead City” “Oh dang nambits I love them Bullhead city. Its rite darn there near that city wit them big ol lights like las vegas” so after getting directions I could hardly make out, he looks at me and says “so you gunna be votin’ boy?” “ Um, yes sir I will be voting” “What you think about that McCain Feller” “I don’t think I’ll be voting for him. I might be voting for Obama” “Obama? OBAMA!!! I love OBAMA! That man is going to lead our nation back to what it was. Grrreat I tell you what. And I think he might let me keep ol Betsie (Points to his Shotgun I didn’t even notice next to the register)” “Oh wow, that’s great I’m glad you like him. Well look I gotta get going.” “You come back now you here when Obama takes it. We’ll celebrate by shooting Ol Betsie here”

 

Cougars, no thank you

After being lost for a while, I finally made it to Bullhead City, picked my Dad up and we made it to Laughlin to have a little fun. When we first got there, we had a beer and I sat down at a table in which I thought was Blackjack. I’m sitting on the table and talking with my Dad who wasn’t playing and my Dad tells me the dealer wants me to cut the deck. I can see these two old people just shaking their head on the table. First off, I’ve played Blackjack a ton of times. Not once has the dealer EVER given it to the person who just showed up to the table, unless they strike a conversation. So after looking like an idiot there, she starts passing out two cards face down, which again is never the case. So I flip my cards over and she freaks “Sir put your cards down” and I’m just staring at her like a retarded looking at a piece of bologna for the first time. So I look at my cards and I do a hand motion for hit me. She tells me I have to brush the cards a certain way, which I did as I motion hit me. So the old people laugh again. Eventually I realize, I’m not playing Blackjack. I’m playing some weird ass poker game against the dealer. My dad is busting up at me because I have no idea what I’m doing. After a flop of another round of cards, she hands me $10, I guess I won. So my dad and I are laughing at the fact that I was playing Blackjack and it was a complete different game. As we are laughing, the dealer assumes I’m still playing and starts dealing again. Still not knowing what I’m doing, I ask for another card and stop. I win again. Now I won $10 more bucks. No idea how, no idea why but I won. So I get off and start playing Video poker while my dad walks around. As I’m playing, I notice a strong smell of menthol and feeling of want. I turn around and there she was, A 52 year old lady smoking a Virginia Slim and just fixating on me. She wasn’t the prettiest thing in the world, nor cute for that fact. She looks like a greeter at Wal-Mart. So I just say hi and turn back around and in a deep raspy voice she says “Hi my name is Deb, what’s yours sweetie?” “Ricky mam” “Please call me Deb. So what’s a young little stud like you doing in a place like this” after holding my throw up I respond “Just hangin out with my Dad Deb” “Hmmm…so how about you and I go up to my private room sweet cheeks?” “You know Deb, that’s probably not a good idea. My dad is walking around and if he comes over here and I’m not here he’s going to flip” “Oh come on. Let me show you a good time. How bout I buy you a beer” “Actually Deb I’m almost done with my beer here and I’m going to be leaving so….” “Well come find me if you change your mind” she rubs my back and leaves. Friends…I think I’ve told everyone of you that if I saw a cougar and that cougar was about to pounce at me, I wouldn’t move. I’d let it attack me. Well I lied…this thing, this beast was not a cougar. This was some sort of alpha-feline. I was so scared she was going to take me to her room. She reeked of despair and moonshine. She smoked so much, I’m sure her vagina could make smoke rings. Deb ruined my love for Cougars…

 

Having Some Sort of Style Sense, Doesn’t Make You Straight

After running the hell out of Laughin, my dad and I decided to stop by some outlets and do a little shopping. We went to this skate shop that was closing down. I found a polo I liked but was kind of hesitant on getting it. My dad told me to get it and I said no, and I quote “One thing dad, stripes are going to make me look fat. Second, this doesn’t match some of the stuff I have” My Dad looks right at me, shakes his head, and calls me “Joto” which is gay in Spanish. I looked at him and was just ashamed with myself. It didn’t help either when I put on the shirt and asked him if it made me look fat.  The problem is, I watch way too much Project Runway, which is actually gay in itself. I think yesterday my sister and I were watching it and she said “I hope they don’t kick off the guy” “No they’ll get off the girl, her colors are clashing”. This is what watching these shows will do to you, they’ll gay you down. This is almost as bad as my obsession with watching Food Network with my pants off.

 

So that was my Saturday.

 

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Nerd Chills...

Anyone ever experiance this? It's like when you listen to a great song and you get this rush of electricity through your body then you get goosebumps. Or when you're watching Saved By The Bell and when Zack kisses Kelly and the audience does that whole "OWWWWWWW" thing and you get goosebumps. That's nerd chills. Last night was Obama's acceptance speech and I'm more than sure you either 1) Watched it 2) Heard about it from someone or through a 30 second clip on the news or 3) a combination of the two. I'm not really big on politics. I think people who know me kinda know I just really don't care or am not too bright about what goes on with it. All I know is that we vote, and the opposite gets done. That's why I'm voting for McCain. Anygay, last night I actually got the chills from hearing him speak. This is the first time any politician gave me chills and I felt good about it. My brother was there and took some pretty good pictures of the whole party. He's actually a delegate for Obama and has been in Denver for this whole week. It's funny because yesterday people made a big deal about Obama speaking on the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jrs "I Have A Dream Speech". Yeah, it's a little ironic and some people felt that this whole race for the Presidency is going to be all about symbolisms. Take for instance the Republican Convention. It's going to be held in Mississippi. I'm pretty sure Mississippi is pretty well know for being a pretty racist state. Well the North Part of it. So does that go to show that the Republican party adhears to racisism? Probably not but I can guarentee you someone is going to throw that out there. And now John McCain announced his running VP. It's the Governor for Alaska Sarah Palin. Um, I am more than certain no one really knows who this chick is. Obviously she won't have that name recognition like everyone else has in the political scene but she is quite the cougar not going to lie. The decision to have her as VP was probably a white flag for the Republican party since she really has no experiance. Plus, she's a pretty boring speaking. However, when I look at her, I think of those old 1980's pornos as her as a librarian running her hands through her hair to the tune of WhiteSnake's "Here I Go Again" and doing the craziest strip tease and showing her boobs like there's no tomorrow. That's my image of Sarah Palin. I think this is the only thing McCain has against Obama, a VP who we all want to dream of her doing a strip tease in the Oval Office. I seriously would like to see her at Deja Vu working the pole so I can make it rain...no...make it hail ("throw nickles and dimes cause I'm a baller on a budget bitch") with the DJ in the background saying "Give her tips to see her tits". Anyways, Obama or bust 2008. Lastly, here are 5 "How Old is John McCain" jokes...

John McCain is so old, his first pet was a T-Rex
John McCain is so old, the key that was on Ben Franklin's kite was to his slave stable
John McCain is so old, him and Jesus were tagging the Old Testament on the walls of a building, McCain got busted, ratted out Jesus, and Jesus was put on a crucifix. (A little long but read it again and you'll laugh)
John McCain is so old, he knew the Burger King when he was just a prince
John McCain is so old, the Dead Sea was just getting sick at the time.

Why I'm Better Than Michael Phelps

1) I don't worry about the 10,000 calories I eat in one day

2) I'm interesting when people come talk to me

3) Michael and I both have a 6 pack, mine is just hidden underneath my
cooler

4) Micheal Phelps can not beat Chuck Norris in a 500m Backstroke Event. I can

5) I have a Bronze Medal in Dodgeball from Royal Carribbean, he doesn't

6) My teeth are straight

Good job with all the wins Phelps, kick some international ass

xoxo
Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

Angels vs Dojers Debate

What a way to have a lunch. So at lunch, I don my Angel cap and go out for a nice feast of Hot Wings and Fries at this place. Low and behold, 2 guys wearing Dodger blue are sitting at a table. I walk in and we make eye contact. I feel like Clint Eastwood walking into a saloon, except I'm Mexican and overweight. I place my order and I can feel the eyes of Dodger fans staring at me. Basically it’s the feeling you get when you think someone is going to mug you late at night. Thankfully, the place had a TV with ESPN running and showed a highlight of last night's Angel game when we played the Mariners and spoke about our 15 game lead in the division. Immediately after, it showed a highlight of the Dodger game and had a little story about how they wouldn’t win their division. So I sit down just watching TV and I hear one of the guys say "Well at least we're not gay like the Angels" and the other guy starts laughing. I turn around and say "Um...we may be 'gay' but I think we have the best records in the majors, we’ll win our division, and are fans are not constantly in jail." and the riot ensued. Fans of my awesome blog, why do people insist to talk bad about another team that is clearly doing better than the other? I just don't get it. This whole Angels are better then Dodgers rivalry thing is pretty heated. One of the best rivalries in sports history. Each fan base is crazy. Both fans would fight. I think we should have a Battle Royal and just go to town on each other. Not like the go to town as in Wedding Night lovin (as I’m sure some Dodger Fans who have been in the Twin Towers would love to get some of that “drop the soap” action again). The bar fight type of going to town. That would be great. Instead of a 7th inning stretch, why not punch a Dodger fan or vice versa. I'm not advocating violence but...actually I guess I am. Don't really do it though. Especially at Dodger stadium at Free Shank Give Away night. They'll cut you up. In two months we’re going to find out the answer to this years feuding with the Dodgers and Angels. Will the Dodgers actually not choke for once and make the playoffs? Probably not because they usually do. They have a better change with Manny Ramirez, but they’re still far from even matching the Angels. The entire season I don’t think we’ve had a slump and fallen out of first. Anygay, Dodger fans, relax. I know you guys are so mad to the point where you actually shot one of your own last night (I’d link the story right here, but when you Google “Dodger Fan Shot at Dodger Stadium”, 25 other stories actually pop up. It’s sad) but that’s no excuse to take it out on everyone. I actually went to a Dodger game about 2 months ago and sat in the All You Can Eat section and I have to admit, the concept was great, but the place looked like trash. I’m never seen so much filth and Mexicans in my life. When I was at the game, I honestly thought Mexico was prone to an invasion because there’s no one there to defend it. I’m insinuating that all the Mexicans are here just in case you didn’t catch that.
Before I go, here are some things Dodger fans typically say to an Angel Fan
"Los Dojers are more better than the Angels"--Quick response to fan (You speak as well as the Dodgers hit)
"Hey homie, the Angels don't even play in LA so change the name!"--Rebuttal (Um..maybe the city of Los Angeles was tired of having a losing team as their representative)
"You're an Angel fan? I'm gonna kick your a**"--This time just run. Some Dodger fans are nuts. Dodger Stadium's give always consists of "Free magazine clip to your gun" night, "Free Shank Night", "Free get out of jail free card night" and "Tommy Lasorda Bobble head Night" Personally I'd take the Tommy Lasorda bobble head. Great guy and amazing Manager.

Recycled Blog (Since more of you are reading it)

I've been a pretty busy guy this past week or two with work, writing jokes for my stand up, and just trying to live a normal single life. I wrote this back in June before this site got better so enjoy...I'm actually writing a new blog now...

"So I haven't written any blogs in a while because I've been kind of wrapped up in baseball this past two weeks. I swear, I'm addicted to it right now. It's almost as addicting as Heroin or Kool-Aid. I wish everything worked like a baseball game. It would be awesome. I'd want to be paying for stuff at a store and have a group of people cheer me on with Da Da Da Dannn Da Dannnn CHARRRRGGEEE!!! Or I'll be at church and the priest is like "Matthew 2:12 And God said.." another priest runs out from the pew and runs up to the front. "Alright Father, pack it up. We're gonna sit you out on this one" The other Priest is like "Come on, I got another sermon in me Brother" "Nah, we're gonna bring in the new guy from Nigeria. We need someone to get this crowd going. Hit the holy water Father". Priest walks off all pissed. That's what life needs. It needs someone to toss a beach ball and heckle people out of no where. I would give a million bucks to anyone who would heckle and chant crap at me while I was eating or something. Actually, I wouldn't give a million because I don't have that much. Maybe like $5 or something. Anygay, baseball, gotta love it."

Bring back To Catch a Predator

I'm sure most of you are WELL aware of the hit show To Catch a Predator. They follow a crew of people who will chase pedophile's online while posing as minors, convince them to come over their house for sex, then get busted by Chris Matthews from MSNBC and verbally raped. As they walk outside the house with their boners completly gone, a swarm of police officers who love to beat the crap out of pedophiles and blacks (I got you my brothas, I don't like the cops either) scare the creep and arrest him. It's probably the greatest thing they've created in the history of T.V. Unfortunately the show was cancelled when I believe a Congressman or political figure of some sort decided to off himself (kill himself... not, you know...the other off) as the cops were about to bust him. Ever since the show cancelled, pedophilia has been on the rise. It's insane. How would I know? Just turn on your TV today or listen to the radio. I can guarentee that you'll see something or hear something about Miley Cyrus having all these provocative pictures showing up out of nowhere. On top of that, Disney has been heavily promoting stuff like High School Musical and Camp Rock and other pieces of crap like that. It's bad to walk into a room with older guys and here one go "Dude, Demi Lovato in camp rock...I'd do her" "Um..she's 15 or 16 man..." "Oh....I meant the camp rock professor, isn't that her?" Or even High School Musical. They are playing kids in High School...to hear someone say "Dude I'd bang Gabriela" (she's Vanessa Hudgens character, before you ask I googled). She's playing a 16 year old! Come on man. I can honestly see 17, cause I mean it's like one year before 18, but still it's sick. I want To Catch a Predator to come back. I loved seeing their reactions when they get surprised by Chris Matthews. The best was when he would recite the entire text of Instant Messaging to them. "Did you not say "I want to put my blank on your blank blank and try to blank blank all night long"?" They would all have the same excuse "She didn't tell me how old she was." "I thought she said she was 19" "I'm just coming over to show her not to talk to strangers because a stranger might rape her" It was such a classic. "Is your screen name not IwantToBangAnyoneUnder18 ?" "Yeah but I thought she was 22". If I was a pedophile, I'd wait outside a bush in front of the house and send a telegram to Chris Matthews so he would have to sign at the door. That way if the little girl answered and said Chris Matthews wasn't here, I'd be set to go. Just a theory. Pedophiles are sick...

Greatest Site Ever

When I first started this blog, I intended to write about bands, other comedians, my life, etc etc…so far I don’t think I’ve covered any of that. I wanna talk to you about a certain website in my life that is probably the greatest invention in the history of the World Wide Web or WWW for short. Craigslist is by far, the best website in the world. No other website even comes close to this. Hell, not even a particular store can actually match the extreme awesomeness of this website. Craigslist.com is literally your one stop shop. Where else can you find a copy of Gladys Knights “Nitty Gritty” for only $15 bucks or even a tank full of piranhas? I’m not even kidding you. Click the link and someone is selling piranhas. This is what makes this website F-in amazing. Not only can you use it as a way better Penny Saver, but you can actually look up jobs such as this one. I don’t know how legit it is, but I doubt you can find one on Monster.com like it. That’s not even the half of it. They have personal ads as well. Sure you can go ahead and click on Strictly Platonic and just meet a stranger and go to the movies together. Why not be adventurous though? Click on your gender looking for the opposite sex. Or be even bolder (ladies I’m talking to you) and go search out for that first female encounter at Women searching Women. Craigslist not only surpasses that option but clearly blows it out of the water with their Casual Encounters section. Have you even checked that out? Holy crap it’s hilarious. Some of the titles are epic. “Wonder Women looking to get SuperF***”. “Searching for that Dark Knight to fill my Dark Hole”. The best part is, if you still live at home, you can just type “Please host”. And people still reply. It’s neat…. Have you waited in line at your local Starbucks recently and saw someone you wanted to talk to but their Mocha Latte was called up before you even placed your Carmel Frapachino order? Head on over to Craigslist missed connections link and you can post a little thing about what they were wearing, what place you saw them at, and how they can reach you. Fate and destiny will take over the rest. Magically the other person will hop on their MacBook at Starbucks, randomly decide to check out Craigslist and click on mixed connections, click on Men Searching Women and not get confused with Women Searching Men because that’s where a lot of the screw up takes place, and wah la, they found you. Instantly they’ll look at their closet at home and know that the Black and White Cardigan they were describing was yours. Fate…that’s it for now. I’m actually price matching BJ’s on the Erotic Services link on the bottom of the page….


Ricky

Cowmanhat...

I’m thoroughly convinced that there is a greater evil in this world other than terrorism. Honestly. No, this isn’t a political post but something needs to change. A lot of us have a ton of different options to do to pass our free time. Whether it be picking up a new hobby, reading that book you bought in front of someone you liked so you would look a whole lot smarter, or even typing in words in the web address bar and adding .com to see what pops up. You’d be blow away at what you’ll find. But there’s something that a ton of people decide to do together to pass time and that is playing board games. Big mistake. Board games are ridiculous. They literally can determine who will walk out of that room either happy, sad, pissed off, or retarded. Case in point, last night. I went over to my buddy Jody’s to play a game of Pictionary. We got our teams and the game was on…I was teamed up with another friend Sean (Who happens to know every f-in pointless trivia question ever. Which is ridiculously awesome). We roll first and Sean decides to draw. I don’t blame him because I’m the worst drawer ever. Actually, first off, this is where everything goes wrong. Being the first person in any game is probably the worst feeling in the world. Worse than knowing you’re late to something so you try and rush but you keep getting every red light known to man. Going first determines how you’re going to be for the rest of the game. If you get it right, you intimidate everyone around that table. If you get it wrong, well, you look like an ass. So Sean looks at his card and immediately says “Oh we got this one”. It was comforting. Unfortunately, I’m an idiot. Everyone knows it. He starts his drawing and this is what he gets… Once I see the cow, I say cow like a million times, mind you I only have 30 seconds to decide what he’s trying to draw. I’m sure most of you who will read this will probably get what Sean was trying to draw. I kept yelling out Cow….then Cow Man….then Hat. So what do I decide to do? I decide to say cowmanhat in like 21 possible ways. CowMANhat. COWmanHat? CowmanHAT? COWMANHAT! Like that’s going to make him all of a sudden say “Oh yeah that’s it. The 21st version you said it was right on the money” Needless to say, I felt like an idiot. It doesn’t help when I have the other four saying “Oh dude I got it” “If you don’t get this you’re retarded” “Ricky I have a homosexual love for you”. When the final sand fell in the timer, you can just see Sean laughing at me and they all say “It was cowboy hat dude” then laugh. I was belittled by my very friends. It sucks because I honestly thought that if I said Cowmanhat like a million times, eventually I would get it right. The game progresses and it’s my turn to draw. The first half of the game was basically me making an ass out of myself. I was disqualified in every possible way you could get dq’d on. I drew numbers, I drew letters on a keyboard, I said “Um, I don’t think I can draw phrases”. Eventually I started getting the hang of the game and I was drawing masterpieces like this one…We lost because Jody and Mark cheated throughout the entire game…actually they came from behind. I honestly thought Katie and David were going to go all the way because Katie would draw a line and David would automatically get it right. But this is the part I love about Pictionary, you can draw 18 versions of an item, and your partner will say every single word other than the most obvious. I was drawn an American Flag and I think I said everything but America. David fell to the same trap when Katie drew a hat and David was yelling out "Cap, Tophat, hoodie, baseball hat". Pictionary…worse than a Ouija Board. And don’t get me started on Monopoly. That is a trainwreck from the beginning. Everyone fights to be the little car or the dog and then Grandma’s get punched when they start taking money from the bank when everyone argues if the Free Parking decal is a telephone or a 1930’s style car. Why the hell would a phone be in a free parking spot? Come on…

-Ricky

For the first time in about 4 years and two months…I did something I never imagined I would do. When I graduated high school and threw those tortillas and beach balls up in the air, I made two promises to myself. The first was not to have any bi-curious encounters while in college. The second was to never drive by that school again. I hate to say, I broke one of those promises…his name was Mike. Actually, I drove by that damn school. Most of you are probably asking yourself “Was high school really that bad for you Ricky? Were you bullied in school?” Actually no; it wasn’t that bad, I just hated it a lot. I was forced to attend the “prestigious” Damien High School in La Verne, California. Some of you may know that school and can kind of see where I’m coming from, others have no idea. Damien was an All-Male catholic high school. You know how hard it is to ask a guy to Prom? It’s tough. Do you know what it’s like to go to a school, full of nothing but guys, for four years? You’ve seen us at parties. You get a group of guys at a party and once someone passes out, they wake up with penises and “I’m gay” written on their face. I’m pretty sure you have once or twice fallen asleep in class. See, at any other school you can just fall asleep and that’s pretty much the end of that class. At Damien when you fall asleep, you wake up with duct tape bound around your head to the desk and with about 3 penises by your mouth and a detention for being late to your next class. Great times. I’m lucky to say, maybe happened to me once. I was always adamant about not going to that school when I spoke to my mom and dad. They told me it was “family tradition”. My uncles and my brother went there so that’s how I knew some of the stories. Whipping your penis out and calling another guy a “fag” for looking was a common routine. It sucks walking out of the shower and seeing it. “Aww shit! God damn, put that dick away” “FAG” “God damnit Dad”…I remember coming home every day and listening to all the great stuff going on at my other friends school and how people we went to school with were “growing” (aka developing boobs). On top of all that, most of the guys there were douches. Almost everyone there had money, well their parents owned a ton of money. I was driving a 1996 Nissan Gardening Truck with Detachable Mower while other guys were driving the new 2003 Inifities or BMW’s. It was fantastic. When I drove by last night, I realized some things that Damien has taught me. 1. Don’t fall asleep around guys. 2. No matter how times you look at a penis, it doesn’t make you gay unless you get a boner. And 3. No matter how much people talk how they were going to take over the family business, there’s aways Myspace and Facebook to show you that Peter was working as a Shift Leader at Tilly's for the past 4 years. 10 year reunion? F that…

-Chocolate Thunder

Can't sleep? Blog....

I just got home....I'm tired, hungry, thirsty yet all I can think
about is "Does Chuck Norris really have another fist underneath his
beard?"...better blog to come soon
Sent from my iPhone

Completly forgot...

about the Stickers that make it look like someone shot your car and the ones with the baseballs or golf balls that "crashed" though...those are f-in retarded too...leave comments on other blog haha. Thank you Baby Sinclair for that reference because I forgot about those.

Stop putting crap on your cars...

I woke up this morning in a great mood. My alarm woke me up to the tune of “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac. You know, the one that’s like “Don’t, stop, thinking about tomorrow. Don’t, stop, it’s just one day aawwaayyy”. I take a nice warm refreshing shower and was finally able to use a bar of soap instead of the hand soap that I’ve been using for the past week because I’m too lazy to search the cabinets for the Costco size pack of 151 boxes of Dove soap my mom bought the week before. Then I get dressed and I’m lookin pretty snazzy for the job; even though my haircut looks like I want to listen to Melissa Etheridge and fight for my fellow females. Then the drive to work. The iPod is blasting some Sky Eats Airplane (Sick band check em out) on shuffle and I’m rocking out. Next thing I know, a red light slows my intense weaving in and out of cars and I’m behind this…then I get depressed. I’m sure almost all of you have run into these ridiculous car decals. The decals that say “RIP Ghost my fallen Homie, 1983-2004” Or the ones that really get you sad when they have “RIP Brooke. 2001-2005” on the back of their car followed by a little angel baby flying above it. Ok folks, I get it. I know you are sad for the lost and honestly, I feel for you. I get that you’re showing your respect for your loved one or your “homie” or gangsta, but seriously don’t bum me out in the process. When I see stuff like that, I seriously want to drive off the road and end it because I’m sure there’s a sad story about how your baby girl passed away or how that tagging on the freeway went awry for your friend. As I drove off, I started noticing other decals that are annoying. The Braham Bull on the gardening trucks. Actually, I’m surprised it’s not an alligator decal with the obsession of anything alligator with Hispanics. And anyone else noticing the abundance of Firefighting helmet stickers? It seems like every other effin Truck and every third car has this sticker. The only people that should actually have that sticker is the firefighter themselves, and maybe immediate family, maybe. That’s it. Not your friends, not your uncle, not your aunt, no one. So please people, before you put stickers on your car, for the love of God think about the person behind you. Do you really want them pissed off with the Baby On Board decal (which honestly makes me want to actually run into you even more because I wasn’t even trying to hit you in the first place) or do you really want to make them depressed and just end their life and possibly others? So please people, knock it off for the love of everything sacred.