So lately I’ve been trying to find different ways to entertain myself with all this free time I’ve been having and to not totally kill my love of writing this script/screenplay/autobiography/porn I’m doing. I had a little debate with a friend of mine who thinks his days were more unproductive than mine. So, to find out whose day was more unproductive and pretty much useless, we decided to keep a journal with us for the day and write down everything that we do. The following is a timeline of my day…I’m pretty sure you can be the judge that I won this one…
5:00- Woke up due to this dream I had. This bear was trying to Lucha Libre me and that freaked my mind out. He actually wore a mask. Once I was up, got up, decided the bed needed me more than I needed to pee so I went back to sleep.
7:10- Woke up for the second time today. This time it was due to my sister singing the tunes of High School Music. Don’t ask why I know what it was. Surprisingly enough, her singing put me to sleep…or a slight coma.
7:59- After realizing I was just clinically dead, got the phone and decided to call the bank. The day before, I found out that I had a fraudulent charge on my account. Someone pulled the impossible and withdrew $200 from my account Sunday night. Thankfully I was out that night with Anna, who I need to thank again for going out with me that night because now I have an alibi and receipts, not to mention a pretty fun night.
8:30- Still on hold with the bank…
9:00- …and still on hold….
9:10- After about an hour waiting for a person, the Bank of America associate transferred me to the wrong department…
9:30- I was transferred to Bank of America Mexico…Don’t really get how they got that name…anyways, still on hold
9:45- Finally transferred to the right department…unfortunately this department only verifies you are who you say you are. Then they had to transfer me to another department to file a claim…yay…
9:46-10:15- I don’t think it takes a psychic to figure out what I was doing…or where I was being transferred…
10:20 – Was investigated over the phone with all my charges from the weekend. They didn’t believe I was in Hollywood, which is weird because 5 minutes before I charged my card $2 for parking, “I” took out $200 in Pasadena. I don’t know if you have driven from Hollywood to Pasadena, but that’s like a 2 day drive. La traffic blows. What I don’t get is why do they have SO many departments for a bank. Just train every person to verify information and file a claim for you. This is why Americans hate Bank of America. I feel like if I argue against the bank then I’m considered a terrorist due to the banks name alone.
10:30-12:00- Went to the gym. So I don’t know what it is, the economy may be in the shit yet breast implants are in the rise? I’m noticing more and more females in the mid 30’s – 50’s have boob jobs at my gym. Now before the guy’s critize me for not liking boobs (which I totally do, although I’m an avid “butt guy”), it’s just a hard thing to deal with looking at faces like theirs (wrinkly and overly tan) then having to look at their breasts popping out. It’s like putting cheese on Chinese food. Sure it’s delicious when you put it on Italian, but it’s just not right on Chinese. That’s my case.
12:30-2:30- Watched my dogs fight over the couch. Debating if I should text a certain someone.
3:00- Finally took a shower. Yeah, I waited long. My dogs actually smelled me and started sneezing and coughing. That’s when you know you have to jump in the shower…
4:00-7:00- Watched the weather channel. I was trying to understand what’s been up with the weather. It’s like God was having a meltdown. First it’s sunny, then it started raining, then sunny while it rained. Today, it looks sunnier then Florida in the summer and you walk outside and my balls shrunk to the size of a raisin. Didn’t like it, didn’t like it one bit.
7:00-8:00- Trying to watch and give Kat Williams a chance on Comedy Central. Unfortunately I can’t get the punch lines to his jokes because he curses every other word. On top of that, the punch line is either him saying “Motha Fucka” or “I’m a real nigga”. I’m assuming it’s that because one, he’s black and that’s what black people say apparently, and two, Comedy Central doesn’t really do that whole censor lips thing. Still, it was getting a little annoying when all you hear is BEEP BEEP MOTHA BEEP GOD BEEP BEEP A NBEEP…
8:00-9:30- Went back to the gym. I don’t know what it is, the economy may be in the shit yet guys can afford HGH? Insert joke about putting cheese on Chinese food yada yada yada…Also old guys, stop walking around naked in the gym locker room. Seriously, knock it off. Every time I walk in that locker room and look at old man balls, I get the song “Do your ears hang low” in my head. Yes, I’m referencing ears to balls. Old guys, come on…it’s not pleasing to look at.
9:40- Got home and started writing blog…still debating about texting someone.
So pretty useless day. Tomorrow, at least I’m going to the mall. Holler
-Ricky
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Good morning Star Bright, the earth says F You
I don’t know if anyone is like this, but I usually wake up with questions on my mind; like “What happened to the Geico Gecco?” “Is a cucumber really a better tasting pickle?” “What does Zima even taste like? What if I actually like Zima?” and “Why am I sexually attracted to Paula Dean from the Food Network? (I’m watching her cook this morning and she’s using a shovel to cook fried potato cakes. How is that not hot?)” But this morning, I woke up with one specific question “Seriously, what the F was that dream about.”…
Dreams are probably the greatest thing they can have. There’s all sorts of dreams like Being a Superhero Dream, saving a hot chicks life dream, winning a Nobel Peace Prize for finding the cure to destroy AIDS (Which by the way, if somehow you can separate the enzyme or chemical from Clorox that can kill HIV without killing everything else in your body then you just found the cure to everything. Bet you didn’t know that. Pa Pow!) or even a wet dream (Heidi Klum I’ll be seeing you tonight…and you’re twin.).Oh, and don’t let me forget those dreams where you know it’s a dream so you do anything you’ve ever wanted to do. I love those. Then, you get those dreams that absolutely make no sense what so ever. For instance, last night and throughout this morning was probably one of the weirdest dreams I had. So it starts off with me waking up…but I wake up on a cloud. So immediately I’m like, what the hell is going on. Next thing I notice, that everything is in bright colors and like that Splash Mountain kind of feel from Disneyland. So I wake up on this cloud and I look around and there’s just nothing but sunshine and other clouds. Out of nowhere in this deep voice I hear “Gooood Morning Ricky. Welcome!” So I turn around to see who it was and nothing. Then, “Over here Ricky. Ha Ha Ha (Like Count Chocula style)” I see this cloud all of a sudden pop these huge eyes and mouth out of nowhere and it just starts talking to me. By now, I’m freaking out because I don’t do drugs at all, but my brother did come back from Washington DC. DC is known for having a crack problem so maybe some homeless guy bumped into him, had a little crack dust get on my brother so when my brother handed me a shirt he bought, I must have gotten a sprinkle of the drug and somehow snorted it while I slept. Far fetched? I don’t think so. So this cloud is telling me crazy cloud stories about how he tries to ruin weddings and graduations or just tries to get entertained by watching how we drive in the rain (because people lose their minds when it starts pouring while we drive). I’m sitting there like in awe because 1) a cloud is actually talking to me and 2) I just figured out clouds are douche bags. Then this like huge gold escalator comes out of nowhere and goes into this bright light. I’m assuming it was heaven cause the cloud was like “Oh shit, God is going to be pissed I’m not at my post. You gotta get out of here.” I’m looking at the cloud and then he says. “Oh yeah, you have no idea where to go.” I ask the cloud “Dude am I dying? I mean… the whole gold escalator and the heaven thing. I’m having a heart attack right now back in my real body right?” “No idi-ass you’re not. I needed someone to talk to. The other clouds are gay and all they do is float here and block the sun, make it rain and snow… all the properties that clouds do that you learned back in school. I’m different. I like to mess with people. Anyways, just jump off and you’ll be back in bed.” So I said my goodbyes to the cloud and jumped off the cloud. Now, sometimes when I sleep or have a dream, I get this weird chill in my body and jump up and I’m back in my bed stuck trying to find out what time it is. So I get up to get a drink of water and all of a sudden I hear a “Chee, come here.” I look outside and my backdoor is open. I thought it was my dad because the chee was like a Mexican “chee”. The girls know what I’m talking about since they get whistled at by my brothern all the time. I walk outside and a possum is just sitting there looking at me. I start to freak because I hate possums. They look like they want to rape me. Have you ever heard two possums mate? I did like a year ago and it has stuck with me since. It’s nasty. Like weird possum screams and heavy breathing. Back to the dream…so this possum is like “What’s up man. How’s it going?” “Um, do I know you possum?” “Yeah man, the name is Billy. Me and my old lady were the ones that made love behind your room.” “Oh…great. Thanks for never letting me throw wood ever again. Kind of creepy… So why am I talking to a possum.” “Oh yeah I’m here for a reason…um…go for it.” “Go for what.” “Just go for it. Don’t let it slip.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about dude.” “I don’t know either, I just thought it would be life affirming and something would spark. You did just come back from finding your gay self right?” “What’s up with people calling me gay? I’m straight.” “Yeah cause straight guys go to Santa Barbara to ‘Find themselves’. Grow some balls buddy. The ones on me are bigger than yours.” “Why are you such a dick in my dream possum?” “Because you still have low self-esteem.” “True.” Out of nowhere you just hear “Ohhh Billy” then the possum looks at me, actually smiles and says “Oh man that’s the Mrs. Alright, when you wake up, I’m really sorry.” “What?” next thing I know I blink and I’m in bed… and I wake up to possums going to town again. I roll up the window blinds and just yell out “F you Billy. F you.” Then my mom walks in and asks why I’m yelling at a possum and why am I naked. So there you have it, a weird ass dream I know nothing about. Sad thing is this isn’t my weirdest dream to date. Anyone have any clue as to what the hell this was about? I already have a bet with someone saying I’m going to get like 5 comments that I’m gay, which I’m not. I love the female anatomy…a lot.
Xoxo
-Ricky
Playlist for the day...
Attack Attack -- Someday Came Suddenly
Four Year Strong -- Rise or Die Trying
Ace Enders -- Various tuneskies
Dreams are probably the greatest thing they can have. There’s all sorts of dreams like Being a Superhero Dream, saving a hot chicks life dream, winning a Nobel Peace Prize for finding the cure to destroy AIDS (Which by the way, if somehow you can separate the enzyme or chemical from Clorox that can kill HIV without killing everything else in your body then you just found the cure to everything. Bet you didn’t know that. Pa Pow!) or even a wet dream (Heidi Klum I’ll be seeing you tonight…and you’re twin.).Oh, and don’t let me forget those dreams where you know it’s a dream so you do anything you’ve ever wanted to do. I love those. Then, you get those dreams that absolutely make no sense what so ever. For instance, last night and throughout this morning was probably one of the weirdest dreams I had. So it starts off with me waking up…but I wake up on a cloud. So immediately I’m like, what the hell is going on. Next thing I notice, that everything is in bright colors and like that Splash Mountain kind of feel from Disneyland. So I wake up on this cloud and I look around and there’s just nothing but sunshine and other clouds. Out of nowhere in this deep voice I hear “Gooood Morning Ricky. Welcome!” So I turn around to see who it was and nothing. Then, “Over here Ricky. Ha Ha Ha (Like Count Chocula style)” I see this cloud all of a sudden pop these huge eyes and mouth out of nowhere and it just starts talking to me. By now, I’m freaking out because I don’t do drugs at all, but my brother did come back from Washington DC. DC is known for having a crack problem so maybe some homeless guy bumped into him, had a little crack dust get on my brother so when my brother handed me a shirt he bought, I must have gotten a sprinkle of the drug and somehow snorted it while I slept. Far fetched? I don’t think so. So this cloud is telling me crazy cloud stories about how he tries to ruin weddings and graduations or just tries to get entertained by watching how we drive in the rain (because people lose their minds when it starts pouring while we drive). I’m sitting there like in awe because 1) a cloud is actually talking to me and 2) I just figured out clouds are douche bags. Then this like huge gold escalator comes out of nowhere and goes into this bright light. I’m assuming it was heaven cause the cloud was like “Oh shit, God is going to be pissed I’m not at my post. You gotta get out of here.” I’m looking at the cloud and then he says. “Oh yeah, you have no idea where to go.” I ask the cloud “Dude am I dying? I mean… the whole gold escalator and the heaven thing. I’m having a heart attack right now back in my real body right?” “No idi-ass you’re not. I needed someone to talk to. The other clouds are gay and all they do is float here and block the sun, make it rain and snow… all the properties that clouds do that you learned back in school. I’m different. I like to mess with people. Anyways, just jump off and you’ll be back in bed.” So I said my goodbyes to the cloud and jumped off the cloud. Now, sometimes when I sleep or have a dream, I get this weird chill in my body and jump up and I’m back in my bed stuck trying to find out what time it is. So I get up to get a drink of water and all of a sudden I hear a “Chee, come here.” I look outside and my backdoor is open. I thought it was my dad because the chee was like a Mexican “chee”. The girls know what I’m talking about since they get whistled at by my brothern all the time. I walk outside and a possum is just sitting there looking at me. I start to freak because I hate possums. They look like they want to rape me. Have you ever heard two possums mate? I did like a year ago and it has stuck with me since. It’s nasty. Like weird possum screams and heavy breathing. Back to the dream…so this possum is like “What’s up man. How’s it going?” “Um, do I know you possum?” “Yeah man, the name is Billy. Me and my old lady were the ones that made love behind your room.” “Oh…great. Thanks for never letting me throw wood ever again. Kind of creepy… So why am I talking to a possum.” “Oh yeah I’m here for a reason…um…go for it.” “Go for what.” “Just go for it. Don’t let it slip.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about dude.” “I don’t know either, I just thought it would be life affirming and something would spark. You did just come back from finding your gay self right?” “What’s up with people calling me gay? I’m straight.” “Yeah cause straight guys go to Santa Barbara to ‘Find themselves’. Grow some balls buddy. The ones on me are bigger than yours.” “Why are you such a dick in my dream possum?” “Because you still have low self-esteem.” “True.” Out of nowhere you just hear “Ohhh Billy” then the possum looks at me, actually smiles and says “Oh man that’s the Mrs. Alright, when you wake up, I’m really sorry.” “What?” next thing I know I blink and I’m in bed… and I wake up to possums going to town again. I roll up the window blinds and just yell out “F you Billy. F you.” Then my mom walks in and asks why I’m yelling at a possum and why am I naked. So there you have it, a weird ass dream I know nothing about. Sad thing is this isn’t my weirdest dream to date. Anyone have any clue as to what the hell this was about? I already have a bet with someone saying I’m going to get like 5 comments that I’m gay, which I’m not. I love the female anatomy…a lot.
Xoxo
-Ricky
Playlist for the day...
Attack Attack -- Someday Came Suddenly
Four Year Strong -- Rise or Die Trying
Ace Enders -- Various tuneskies
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Santa Barbara...a little something for everyone
Like I said earlier, I took a few days off from the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles County to come on down to Santa Barbara to write a script I'm working on. Surprise, it's a romantic comedy. Anygay, as I'm down here, there's a few things I can't seem to notice. One, almost every single person here is in incredible shape. Like, when I mean incredible shape I mean like they have like 8 packs. You know that scene in Step Brothers where the brother comes up to the treehouse and shows off his pecs? That's exactly how everyone is here. I bet they too haven't had a carb in three years. The funny part of it is, a lot of atheltic people tend to be douchebags to us chubby folks or less attractive of the bunch. Not here my friend. Here in Santa Barbara, all the pretty people actually go out of their way to talk to you. It's funny because when good looking people talk to you, you yourself feel very attractive and think your hot rate goes higher. I've also noticed that when people say hi to you here that it's not so weird but when an ugly or unattractive person says hi to you you're like "Ew buddy. Can you not be so creepy". I don't know what it is but I kind of want to work out my abdominals on the beach and do like 1,000 crunches. Oh yeah, it also helps to say you're writing a script here. It's like money to people. Here's three examples of how nice people are here...
It's about 10:30 am and my sister just left to class so I decided to take a walk and just write on the beach. As I'm walking there, the street is whizzing with students on bikes...all saying hi and giving a friendly smile. One actually tried to have a full on conversation with me while she rode off. The beach is thankfully about a block away from my sisters house. Not a far walk. I walk down the cliff find a bench over looking the beach and the cliff. I write for about 20 minutes and I notice a group of girls running in my direction. As you guessed it, pretty good looking. So one actually stops right next to me and tells the other girls she needs to stretch and does so in front of me. Of course, that stops me from doing my work. Call me a perve, but I was learning the anatomy of the female race at the moment. So one of them notices me and the conversation ensues. "Hey there. What are you doing out here all alone?" "Me? Um I'm actually visiting my sister here so I'm just kinda hanging around while she's in class." Another girl joins in the conversation. Short black hair, glasses...my type. I don't know what it is but girls with glasses...ahh. Anygay..."Oh well that's sweet of you to visit your sister. So you doing homework or what? You have a pretty nice view." "No homework. I'm writing a script...well screenplay." The one stretching stops and actually comes on my side and sits down next to me. Sweaty or not, I'd still hit it... "A script? for a movie? Wow that's really neat. What's it about?" "It's actually a romantic comedy. I just started writing like 20 minutes ago so I'm no where near where I want to be." "Ohh I love romantic comedies! Can I read what you have written so far?" "Yeah me too! I want to read it." Now I have two girls to the side of me and one directly behind me. It was like my own personal Orgy...minus any sex going on and the girls still had their clothes on. So the girls read the script and occasionally laughed, which is what I was going for. Afterwards, they commented on it and were surprised I wrote that much in 20 minutes, which was a major boost to my already high ego. So they asked if I would be out here the same time tomorrow and I said I would and they looked forward to see me, as I look forward to seeing them..
The people are so ridiculously nice here that I'm walking back from the beach and there's these 3 guys sitting on a couch located on a front yard. Very college like. Anyways, one guy is like "Hey bro, isn't that Rockett clothing?" and I look at him and say "Yeah dude. It sure is." then he goes on about how he's heard about the company but never seen a shirt. He offers me a beer and asks if I go to school here. I told him I was just visiting and trying to write a script and he was all in shocked about it. So we were drinking and the three guys read what I wrote and start saying they like the direction I'm heading. We play a round of beer pong at 12:31 in the afternoon, probably the earliest time I've ever played. After getting my buzz going, I started stumbling home back to the house...
Now...to top off how awesome this place is, there is a homeless guy who actually helps YOU out instead of you helping him. So this place is well known for being a party school without a doubt. And with every party comes the drunken friend who passes out and no one ever knows what to do with them or how to take them home. Well the homeless guy does. All you do is place a tag on your friend with the address on the home, give the homeless guy 5 bucks or a few beers and he'll put your friend on a wagon that's attached to his bike and riding him home and leave him in the yard so that way when he walks up scared and freaked out, he's outside of his house. Now, where else can you find kind of love at?
Santa Barbara, a place for everyone...
Monday, January 19, 2009
Social Networking...a little carried away...
What's going on everyone? Hope all is well and everyone is enjoying the New Year. So I decided to kind of take off from all the craziness that is Los Angeles and head out to Santa Barbara to kind of clear my head and let my creativity flow. Kind of like that movie In the Land of Women with Adam Brody. So I'm out here trying to write my very first screenplay. At first I thought it was going to be easy but Jesus Christ there is so much work. To top it off, I'm crashing at my sisters house with her 5 room-mates, all girls. Kind of every guy's dream. Anyways, I just spent the past 4 hours watching Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, and The City. I think it's pretty safe to say that women have absolutely no taste in television. But, this isn't what this little blog is about...this time...
So social networking sites have really gone out of their way to go as creepy as possible. When you first think of SN's (Social Networking sites. Yea, I abbreviated that so what.) the first thing that comes to mind is Myspace. Now, Myspace isn't too creepy, if you can get past the fact that there are 35+ men on it trying to add 18- not +, girls on there for creepy daddy issue kind of sex. Then we have the more mature, but still semi-stalkerish Facebook. I was driving to Santa Barbara with my sister and we were talking about how some people find out a lot about other people by checking out their facebook and stalking them. Apparently you can find out whose dating who and who lives in certain dorms. It's a little creepy, but I'm sure we've all gone to that point to check that out. But now, sites have gone to the absolute worst like Loopt and Twitter to let others know EXACTLY where you're out. Goodbye cheating, hello Cheaters film crew. With Loopt, you can literally pinpoint exactly where someone is. For example... Click here...http://app.loopt.com/loopt/journalFeed.ashx?id=c621dc23-2647-4958-a474-be5a1e0d06a4..this should show you exactly where I'm at. So please, don't stalk me but if you want to know exactly where I'm at then there yah go. So jealous girlfriends and over protective boyfriends, here is your ammunition to keep in check your significant other. Anyhoozle, it's getting late and I gotta figure out how to cover my morning wood so none of these girls see first glimpse of that when they see me on the living room futon. Not good...not good for anyone.
Ps. If you want to share your Twitter or add me on Loopt, by all means send me a message and I'll hit you up.
xoxo
-Ricky
So social networking sites have really gone out of their way to go as creepy as possible. When you first think of SN's (Social Networking sites. Yea, I abbreviated that so what.) the first thing that comes to mind is Myspace. Now, Myspace isn't too creepy, if you can get past the fact that there are 35+ men on it trying to add 18- not +, girls on there for creepy daddy issue kind of sex. Then we have the more mature, but still semi-stalkerish Facebook. I was driving to Santa Barbara with my sister and we were talking about how some people find out a lot about other people by checking out their facebook and stalking them. Apparently you can find out whose dating who and who lives in certain dorms. It's a little creepy, but I'm sure we've all gone to that point to check that out. But now, sites have gone to the absolute worst like Loopt and Twitter to let others know EXACTLY where you're out. Goodbye cheating, hello Cheaters film crew. With Loopt, you can literally pinpoint exactly where someone is. For example... Click here...http://app.loopt.com/loopt/journalFeed.ashx?id=c621dc23-2647-4958-a474-be5a1e0d06a4..this should show you exactly where I'm at. So please, don't stalk me but if you want to know exactly where I'm at then there yah go. So jealous girlfriends and over protective boyfriends, here is your ammunition to keep in check your significant other. Anyhoozle, it's getting late and I gotta figure out how to cover my morning wood so none of these girls see first glimpse of that when they see me on the living room futon. Not good...not good for anyone.
Ps. If you want to share your Twitter or add me on Loopt, by all means send me a message and I'll hit you up.
xoxo
-Ricky
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Dating Life
Shit, I did not think a lot of you would actually come back on here and read the blogs again. So thanks for everyone who comments or even reads this blog and tells a friend. It feels great to know many of you read this thing and actually enjoy it. The funny part is going to parties or just hanging with friends and my blog gets mentioned as gossip. Funny times... So thanks to everyone who spreads this like HIV in Africa. Too soon?
Anygay, the topic for today is dating. Dating is the scariest thing you can go through, except for maybe waiting for the results of a pregnancy test. If you haven't done so yet, I say you try that. It's kind of thrilling. Am I advocating un-protected sex? No, I'm advocating results of a pregnancy test. Don't be a daddy; cover your meat patty fellas. As I mentioned before, dating is a whole lot different than what I remember it as. Back when I was first single, it was "Hey, my mom is going to be picking us up and dropping us off at the movies." Texting messaging wasn't really the thing, it was AIM'ing/Instant Messaging, and the Power Rangers were still fighting on earth and not in space or another planet. Now you actually have to be on your toes. Literally, because if you're shorter than a girl, they get really weirded out if they're taller than you. Why? Because girls for some reason love to wear heels and if they wear them when they're taller than you, they end up looking like Bigfoot or Paul Bunyon... but with tits. There are so many different variables too with dating now adays then there was before. Prime example, when you first get someone's phone number. Now all this doesn't apply just to guys, girls are the same way. How many days do you wait to call them or text them? What do you say without sounding needy or pathetic? Do you find their Myspace/Facebook/or whatever other stalking social site there is out there and add them? These are all valid points and none of us seem to have the answer to any of this stuff. And don't bother asking friends for advice either because they're probably going to steer you the wrong way. For instance my buddy Dave, yes you made it into a blog dude. You ask him any question on dating and his answer is going to be "So when are you going to fuck her". I mean, it's hilarious at first but when you're completely serious about asking for help, asking the other sex you're interested in (or the same. what ever floats your boat or tickles your pickle) when we're going to bump uglies is kind of out of the question; Unless you meet them at a swingers party. But I think swinger parties are out of style.
Along with the friend’s portion of dating, don't ever let them set you up on Blind Dates. It's really nice of them that they care about you, but you're going to get really offended at how they see you with their choice of a date. I know I did. I got set up to go on a date with someone who had like one thing in common with me but yet, according to my buddy, we were perfect. "Hey Rick how was the date." "Hey Dave fuck you." "What man you two were perfect. She liked video games, watching tv, reading, kinda goofy, watching movies, doesn't like the sun." "Dude you just described a hermit/loser." "Well, yeah... I mean you're into that." "That's fucked up man." "Well did you fuck her?" Point taken, don't do blind dates or you too well shell out $83.23 on a lunch date and you only spent $30 bucks on food and enough booze to get you through an annoying conversation on how Harry Potter defies the laws of physics.
Dating is terrible. Now that I'm of age to drink and do the dirty deed, I gotta watch myself when I go out to bars. If I get too hammered, I have to worry about if this chick is really a chick. You don't want to go back to your apartment or pad and find out you two are going to go Medieval and Joust each other with your own personal swords. Cock fighting is illegal in California. So do I have any advice for any of you? Nope. I'm just as lost in this with all of you. Remember, you can't spell stud without STD.
Anygay, the topic for today is dating. Dating is the scariest thing you can go through, except for maybe waiting for the results of a pregnancy test. If you haven't done so yet, I say you try that. It's kind of thrilling. Am I advocating un-protected sex? No, I'm advocating results of a pregnancy test. Don't be a daddy; cover your meat patty fellas. As I mentioned before, dating is a whole lot different than what I remember it as. Back when I was first single, it was "Hey, my mom is going to be picking us up and dropping us off at the movies." Texting messaging wasn't really the thing, it was AIM'ing/Instant Messaging, and the Power Rangers were still fighting on earth and not in space or another planet. Now you actually have to be on your toes. Literally, because if you're shorter than a girl, they get really weirded out if they're taller than you. Why? Because girls for some reason love to wear heels and if they wear them when they're taller than you, they end up looking like Bigfoot or Paul Bunyon... but with tits. There are so many different variables too with dating now adays then there was before. Prime example, when you first get someone's phone number. Now all this doesn't apply just to guys, girls are the same way. How many days do you wait to call them or text them? What do you say without sounding needy or pathetic? Do you find their Myspace/Facebook/or whatever other stalking social site there is out there and add them? These are all valid points and none of us seem to have the answer to any of this stuff. And don't bother asking friends for advice either because they're probably going to steer you the wrong way. For instance my buddy Dave, yes you made it into a blog dude. You ask him any question on dating and his answer is going to be "So when are you going to fuck her". I mean, it's hilarious at first but when you're completely serious about asking for help, asking the other sex you're interested in (or the same. what ever floats your boat or tickles your pickle) when we're going to bump uglies is kind of out of the question; Unless you meet them at a swingers party. But I think swinger parties are out of style.
Along with the friend’s portion of dating, don't ever let them set you up on Blind Dates. It's really nice of them that they care about you, but you're going to get really offended at how they see you with their choice of a date. I know I did. I got set up to go on a date with someone who had like one thing in common with me but yet, according to my buddy, we were perfect. "Hey Rick how was the date." "Hey Dave fuck you." "What man you two were perfect. She liked video games, watching tv, reading, kinda goofy, watching movies, doesn't like the sun." "Dude you just described a hermit/loser." "Well, yeah... I mean you're into that." "That's fucked up man." "Well did you fuck her?" Point taken, don't do blind dates or you too well shell out $83.23 on a lunch date and you only spent $30 bucks on food and enough booze to get you through an annoying conversation on how Harry Potter defies the laws of physics.
Dating is terrible. Now that I'm of age to drink and do the dirty deed, I gotta watch myself when I go out to bars. If I get too hammered, I have to worry about if this chick is really a chick. You don't want to go back to your apartment or pad and find out you two are going to go Medieval and Joust each other with your own personal swords. Cock fighting is illegal in California. So do I have any advice for any of you? Nope. I'm just as lost in this with all of you. Remember, you can't spell stud without STD.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
So my pet peeves...not like a pet animal
It's 8:42 at night on a Wednesday. Damn, Wednesday already. Fun fact number one, I'll be 23 in a month starting tomorrow. Which brings me to the topic of this blog. Pet Peeves. It's been a pretty crazy time in the world of my pet peeves. Wait...before I get into this I just want to let anyone who reads this (pointing more towards my friends who know me) this is just me venting. I'm really not pissed off at you and I don't plan on using names. This would just cause you guys to get back at me when we're all drunk at a party and I pass out.
All of us have pet peeves. Some are pretty understandable and others are well...kind of pity as all hell. I am the later choice. A lot of guys will appreciate what I'm about to say to the ladies. Women, please for the love of Christ and every thing he stands for, don't ever ask us for our opinion if you're just going to pick the opposite. Personally, if you were to take my opinion/advice and even think about it for more than 10 seconds, I wouldn't be pissed at all. But to automatically just say "No, I think I'll go with the other thing" ticks a lot of guys off. It's pointless to even think of asking us if you already have something in mind. I know the common excuse is "Well I just want you to feel like your contributing to my decision." and quite frankly we don't really give a shit if the low rise pants are better than the flair, you're going to look fine in whatever.
Now, I'm not going to let the guys off that easy. Seriously Men, stop being such dicks to everyone. I know I'm a dick too but come on. The girls notice it. I've had countless talks with girls about "all guys are dicks." and I don't want to be a douchebag and say "Well a lot of guys are dicks but I'm one of the good ones." So can you guys actually return girls phone calls, or do something romantic for them, or not cheat, maybe be there for the abortion instead of giving them the money. Oh, and when you're at a party, drink the entire bottle of beer/hard liqour/wine cooler before you even think about opening a new bottle. Anyone who has EVER thrown a party or been a part of the clean up crew the next day has found at least 52 full bottles of beer. "Hey Ronnie, how many beers did you have last night." "Oh man I drank like 15 beers and 3 cups of Red Bull Vodka" No guy, you had 1 maybe 2 full beers and 13 shots of beer out of a bottle and when you were taking a piss by the side of the garage, you poured out the rest of your cup the same time you pissed, so if anyone walked by they think you had a major piss break from the party. I know those tricks, I've seen those tricks. I pulled that when I was 17 and at my first party.
Couples...can you stop sitting on the same side of a table or booth? How do you guys do that? I need arm room when I'm about to eat. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend that hideous when they eat or what? I don't get it. Don't you have a stiff neck after dinner from talking and turning your head to the right or left all the time? Unfortunately I literally mean stiff neck and not a boner.
There's a ton more I can list like talking on the phone when you don't have anything important to say or the answers to those magazine articles which ask 100 women what they look for in a guy. Usually the top 2 are honesty and humor. I think I'm a pretty funny guy, but I don't see chicks showing me their tits and getting all horned up when I make a joke each at a party or on stage. Honesty? Really? Girls, if guys were honest with you with the questions you asked us, you girls would be gay. "Yea, I'd totally bang your sister." Anyways, so everyone has pet peeves. What are yours? Aside from me writing about pet peeves and my blog. Or my face. Cause I know some random commentor is going to say something like that. Get money, get paid.
-Ricky
All of us have pet peeves. Some are pretty understandable and others are well...kind of pity as all hell. I am the later choice. A lot of guys will appreciate what I'm about to say to the ladies. Women, please for the love of Christ and every thing he stands for, don't ever ask us for our opinion if you're just going to pick the opposite. Personally, if you were to take my opinion/advice and even think about it for more than 10 seconds, I wouldn't be pissed at all. But to automatically just say "No, I think I'll go with the other thing" ticks a lot of guys off. It's pointless to even think of asking us if you already have something in mind. I know the common excuse is "Well I just want you to feel like your contributing to my decision." and quite frankly we don't really give a shit if the low rise pants are better than the flair, you're going to look fine in whatever.
Now, I'm not going to let the guys off that easy. Seriously Men, stop being such dicks to everyone. I know I'm a dick too but come on. The girls notice it. I've had countless talks with girls about "all guys are dicks." and I don't want to be a douchebag and say "Well a lot of guys are dicks but I'm one of the good ones." So can you guys actually return girls phone calls, or do something romantic for them, or not cheat, maybe be there for the abortion instead of giving them the money. Oh, and when you're at a party, drink the entire bottle of beer/hard liqour/wine cooler before you even think about opening a new bottle. Anyone who has EVER thrown a party or been a part of the clean up crew the next day has found at least 52 full bottles of beer. "Hey Ronnie, how many beers did you have last night." "Oh man I drank like 15 beers and 3 cups of Red Bull Vodka" No guy, you had 1 maybe 2 full beers and 13 shots of beer out of a bottle and when you were taking a piss by the side of the garage, you poured out the rest of your cup the same time you pissed, so if anyone walked by they think you had a major piss break from the party. I know those tricks, I've seen those tricks. I pulled that when I was 17 and at my first party.
Couples...can you stop sitting on the same side of a table or booth? How do you guys do that? I need arm room when I'm about to eat. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend that hideous when they eat or what? I don't get it. Don't you have a stiff neck after dinner from talking and turning your head to the right or left all the time? Unfortunately I literally mean stiff neck and not a boner.
There's a ton more I can list like talking on the phone when you don't have anything important to say or the answers to those magazine articles which ask 100 women what they look for in a guy. Usually the top 2 are honesty and humor. I think I'm a pretty funny guy, but I don't see chicks showing me their tits and getting all horned up when I make a joke each at a party or on stage. Honesty? Really? Girls, if guys were honest with you with the questions you asked us, you girls would be gay. "Yea, I'd totally bang your sister." Anyways, so everyone has pet peeves. What are yours? Aside from me writing about pet peeves and my blog. Or my face. Cause I know some random commentor is going to say something like that. Get money, get paid.
-Ricky
Monday, January 5, 2009
I'm going to through a little knowledge at you...
Don't ever try to show off how much you can run on a treadmill. Seriously. And after you get off, maybe take a breather. Maybe do some stretching. You're probably asking why I'm telling you this. Well I decided to, for the first time in like maybe a year and a half, go to the gym and run on a treadmill. I've always had long discussion with my friend Steph about how much I hate the treadmill. Only actually fit people capable of running in place should do this. I have horrible balance. Honestly. If for some reason you notice me walking, I zigzag. I can almost guarantee if my next girlfriend, finance, gay companion is going to get into arguments with me while we hold hands because I will always bump into them. It's that bad. So I muster up the courage and get on a treadmill. I do a slow setting first so I can get used to it and get a little sweat going. Next thing I know another big fella gets on the machine. Now, most of you out there who don't fall into the BMI of Obese, you don't understand what it means when you're working out and another member of the Husky Brigade gets on a machine close to you. It's like a Blood walking into Crypt neighborhood, shit is going down. The following is kind of like how those Discovery Channel Shows when the British narrator comes out describing when a Lion sees a Zebra "Sadly now, there can only be one outcome." I look at this guy and he gives me this look. Again, if you consider your daily servings of vegetables is in a Big Mac then you now what that look is. It's the "Yeah I'm a big guy, but this guy is bigger than me. I'll show him." and the war of the treadmill started. He starts turning on the speed of the treadmill. How do I know since I'm like two treadmills away? The LED light is bigger than Ron Howard's receding hairline, it's huge. So as me and this guy start having our own indoor LA Marathon, this girl comes between us, smiles at me, smiles at him, and starts jogging. I look at the guy and give him the look like "Alright the prize is set". Without even saying it, this chick can do better than the both of us hands down. She knew it, problem is, we didn't. See, when guys compete, all common sense goes out the window. Playing nice is not in a man's vocabulary. Have you ever seen two guys play video games giving props to one another? No, it's unheard of. It usually consists of harsh jokes, you're so fat/stupid jokes, and the greatest sarcasm you've ever seen. About 20 minutes into this, both of us are dying. Sweat is everywhere, heavy breathing is to the loudest decibel, it's like the set of Two Hoe's and a Bro. (New Years Non-Resolution to try and get a porno reference in every blog). Eventually the girl noticed what was going on. At exactly 24:30 into the race, the other guy pulled out. Once he hit the emergency stop button, I went for about 10 seconds longer just to kind of show off. Now, many of you are thinking 10 seconds? That's it? You don't understand. Exercise time is a completely different set of time from overweight individuals. The formula is 5 seconds = 1 minute; 10 seconds = 5 minutes (Notice how 10 seconds is not 2 minutes. Time goes forward a little quicker); and a 2 mile run = hold on, let me get my pajamas and sleeping bag and tell mom I won't be home in 3 days. As I finally get off the machine, I don't stretch or take a breather. No, I decide to show this girl I'm more athletic then she thinks so I just start walking to my car. Unfortunately the car is downstairs and outside. So as I'm about to walk down the stairs, I notice the other guy is in the corner throwing up and the girl between us is looking at me. She flashes me a smile and I smile back. Unfortunately for me, I realize I should've stretched my legs out. My legs wobble and give out. Friends, do you know how many stairs there are in a flight of stairs? 32. How do I know this? Cause I counted every single one as they hit every part of my body. Once I stopped falling down, I did the most retarded thing I could think of. I tried playing it off. Yeah, cause a 245 pound guy didn't just fall down a flight of stairs. This isn't like you got your shoe caught on a sidewalk and started a little sprint, this was 32 stairs I just rolled down from. I can hear two things. One was "Oh my god is he ok?" and then snickering. The sad part is, I couldn't even get mad at the snickering. Seeing a guy fall down a flight of stairs had to probably be the funniest thing anyone could see, aside from a horse kicking someone in the nuts. It's funny every time. To top it off, this dude comes running down the stairs and stands directly over my head and asks am I ok. I couldn't even answer the question because this guy is like 62 and wearing the baggiest neon colored shorts and not wearing underwear so I'm looking at his veiny sack. Yes, I went there. The thing the got me to answer was I felt a splash of sweat hit my forehead. The bad thing was, I couldn't tell if it was from his face or his balls. I don't even want to know. Once I get up, I look at the girl and she is just laughing. I get my stuff together and leave. I'm almost more then certain that I'll never use a treadmill again.
-Ricky
-Ricky
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Seriously, this site still works?
Happy New Year out there. It's been a while since I've written anything on this shiznet. Yes, Shiznet is coming back in '09. I don't know what your New Years Eve consisted of but I'm pretty sure it was like mine; spending all night with a few close friends and strangers asking random questions, getting hammered, and trying to somehow get the jello shot out of a plastic shot glass that would break as quick as an emo kid's heart when someone tells them Garden State was meh. I swear to God, plastic anything should not be at any type of party. I'm not talking about those Plastic Red Cups, those are a clue of a party is being thrown. Go to any Supermarket and get any number of Plastic Red Cups and I guarentee the cashier or the bagger is gonna say "So um...having a few friends over". If you don't believe me, go out and try it. Again, no plastic at parties. We had these plastic shot glasses like I said with Jello in them. Now, Jello shots can be taken one of two ways. One, you can get all sensual with it and very sexually slip your tongue into the cup, and just slurp it up like you're about to be in any pivitol money shot scene in a porn. Then there's the later choice, in which usually the guys go for, which is just getting the bottom of the cup and pushing the Jello in an upward motion. You can't do that with a plastic cup. Trust me, I saw my buddy Jody try it and literally conduct a tracheotomy while trying to get a buzz going with his Jello shot. Plastic Glass shards everywhere. To top it off, the Jello shots were this deep red color obviously resembling blood so as I'm trying to talk to someone, I start screaming thinking it's blood. Once I stopped crying the party went on. I know some of you are thinking that I just cock-blocked myself and no my friends I did not. Yeah, I know I cried but I pulled the sensitive card. Girls love that.
This whole week I've been getting the whole "So what's your New Years Resolution" "Hey, what do you plan on doing this year.". It's always the same stuff with everyone. Lose weight, make new friends, find a significant other. Stuff people never really follow through with. Which is why I'm going to say stuff that I know will not happen but when it doesn't, everyone won't be giving me shit for it. My New Years resolution's are to have a threesome, get on TV some how, and to punch a Rhino. Seriously. A rhino. The nearest Rhino is like 5,000 miles away in like Africa. Me punching a Rhino isn't going to happen. So when next year comes around and everyone asks me if I completed my resolutions, they won't be so appalled that I couldn't punch a Rhino. They would actually be angry if I did punch a Rhino. Hell, the Rhino would be angry if I punched it. Anyhizzle, Good luck in the New Year everyone and make sure to make the best of it. Go out and start punching Rhinos.
-Ricky
This whole week I've been getting the whole "So what's your New Years Resolution" "Hey, what do you plan on doing this year.". It's always the same stuff with everyone. Lose weight, make new friends, find a significant other. Stuff people never really follow through with. Which is why I'm going to say stuff that I know will not happen but when it doesn't, everyone won't be giving me shit for it. My New Years resolution's are to have a threesome, get on TV some how, and to punch a Rhino. Seriously. A rhino. The nearest Rhino is like 5,000 miles away in like Africa. Me punching a Rhino isn't going to happen. So when next year comes around and everyone asks me if I completed my resolutions, they won't be so appalled that I couldn't punch a Rhino. They would actually be angry if I did punch a Rhino. Hell, the Rhino would be angry if I punched it. Anyhizzle, Good luck in the New Year everyone and make sure to make the best of it. Go out and start punching Rhinos.
-Ricky
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