I'm going to through a little knowledge at you...

Don't ever try to show off how much you can run on a treadmill. Seriously. And after you get off, maybe take a breather. Maybe do some stretching. You're probably asking why I'm telling you this. Well I decided to, for the first time in like maybe a year and a half, go to the gym and run on a treadmill. I've always had long discussion with my friend Steph about how much I hate the treadmill. Only actually fit people capable of running in place should do this. I have horrible balance. Honestly. If for some reason you notice me walking, I zigzag. I can almost guarantee if my next girlfriend, finance, gay companion is going to get into arguments with me while we hold hands because I will always bump into them. It's that bad. So I muster up the courage and get on a treadmill. I do a slow setting first so I can get used to it and get a little sweat going. Next thing I know another big fella gets on the machine. Now, most of you out there who don't fall into the BMI of Obese, you don't understand what it means when you're working out and another member of the Husky Brigade gets on a machine close to you. It's like a Blood walking into Crypt neighborhood, shit is going down. The following is kind of like how those Discovery Channel Shows when the British narrator comes out describing when a Lion sees a Zebra "Sadly now, there can only be one outcome." I look at this guy and he gives me this look. Again, if you consider your daily servings of vegetables is in a Big Mac then you now what that look is. It's the "Yeah I'm a big guy, but this guy is bigger than me. I'll show him." and the war of the treadmill started. He starts turning on the speed of the treadmill. How do I know since I'm like two treadmills away? The LED light is bigger than Ron Howard's receding hairline, it's huge. So as me and this guy start having our own indoor LA Marathon, this girl comes between us, smiles at me, smiles at him, and starts jogging. I look at the guy and give him the look like "Alright the prize is set". Without even saying it, this chick can do better than the both of us hands down. She knew it, problem is, we didn't. See, when guys compete, all common sense goes out the window. Playing nice is not in a man's vocabulary. Have you ever seen two guys play video games giving props to one another? No, it's unheard of. It usually consists of harsh jokes, you're so fat/stupid jokes, and the greatest sarcasm you've ever seen. About 20 minutes into this, both of us are dying. Sweat is everywhere, heavy breathing is to the loudest decibel, it's like the set of Two Hoe's and a Bro. (New Years Non-Resolution to try and get a porno reference in every blog). Eventually the girl noticed what was going on. At exactly 24:30 into the race, the other guy pulled out. Once he hit the emergency stop button, I went for about 10 seconds longer just to kind of show off. Now, many of you are thinking 10 seconds? That's it? You don't understand. Exercise time is a completely different set of time from overweight individuals. The formula is 5 seconds = 1 minute; 10 seconds = 5 minutes (Notice how 10 seconds is not 2 minutes. Time goes forward a little quicker); and a 2 mile run = hold on, let me get my pajamas and sleeping bag and tell mom I won't be home in 3 days. As I finally get off the machine, I don't stretch or take a breather. No, I decide to show this girl I'm more athletic then she thinks so I just start walking to my car. Unfortunately the car is downstairs and outside. So as I'm about to walk down the stairs, I notice the other guy is in the corner throwing up and the girl between us is looking at me. She flashes me a smile and I smile back. Unfortunately for me, I realize I should've stretched my legs out. My legs wobble and give out. Friends, do you know how many stairs there are in a flight of stairs? 32. How do I know this? Cause I counted every single one as they hit every part of my body. Once I stopped falling down, I did the most retarded thing I could think of. I tried playing it off. Yeah, cause a 245 pound guy didn't just fall down a flight of stairs. This isn't like you got your shoe caught on a sidewalk and started a little sprint, this was 32 stairs I just rolled down from. I can hear two things. One was "Oh my god is he ok?" and then snickering. The sad part is, I couldn't even get mad at the snickering. Seeing a guy fall down a flight of stairs had to probably be the funniest thing anyone could see, aside from a horse kicking someone in the nuts. It's funny every time. To top it off, this dude comes running down the stairs and stands directly over my head and asks am I ok. I couldn't even answer the question because this guy is like 62 and wearing the baggiest neon colored shorts and not wearing underwear so I'm looking at his veiny sack. Yes, I went there. The thing the got me to answer was I felt a splash of sweat hit my forehead. The bad thing was, I couldn't tell if it was from his face or his balls. I don't even want to know. Once I get up, I look at the girl and she is just laughing. I get my stuff together and leave. I'm almost more then certain that I'll never use a treadmill again.

-Ricky