An Open Letter..

Dear Alcohol,
You know, I was first introduced to you thanks to my Grandpa at the age of 14. I didn’t really like you at first because the taste of you on my lips was like that time I took a piss in my bed and somehow woke up on the other end of the bed. It wasn’t really a great first impression. Although as I grew older; I started to realize how fun you could be. Oh boy did we have some great times. I remember this one time I went to town on you like a 12 year old discovering masturbation and just started yelling out to random people that “I would fuck you all”. This other time, I remember waking up on the beach next to the scream of a majestic seagull. Although I stole some guys car to get to the beach the night before, but I didn’t know that until I was 8 minutes on the 405. True story. I can’t really say I don’t like you, because we know I do. If I had the chance, I’d want you in me every night (that’s what she said). It’s just…it’s not you, it’s me. I can’t really hold you like I used to. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting a little older, or if my old ways of drinking you directly from a handle of Vodka are coming back to get me. Karma’s an angry bitch and I don’t want to be around when the time of the month comes. I think you and I just need a little break for a bit. Maybe we’ll grow closer as time heals all, but if I keep having you around it’s going to destroy me. This morning when I woke up, it felt like an elephant just skull fucked me. I didn’t even know elephants could do that. It’s time to get those ivory tusks out of my ass and start focusing on myself. So Alcohol, it’s been a good run. We made it to 100 episodes and now we’re gonna be syndicated. I have stories for years to come but for the next few weeks or months, I’m going to try and not see you as much as I usually do. Like any other break up, I’m sure we’re going to try to be friends and casually see each other once in a while. I’m almost more than positive we’ll do that after break-up hook up. I just want to let you know that I won’t be around for a while. I’m sorry…but I have to take care of myself. I’ll be seeing you around. I bagged up your empty bottles and I’ll be taking them to the recycling center. I haven’t quite kicked my cocaine addiction. You know how that is.
-Ricky