If I only had a vagina...

then it would complete the experiance I'm going through right now. Before you ask yourself "is Ricky smokin the meat pole", the answer is no. Work has been pretty crazy and I've gone from a Hospital Manager to an Administrative Assistant aka Sexy Secretary. Step One in Ricky becoming a chick. After all this politics at the work place, I can now say I know what you girls feel like when you wait those dreaded 2 minutes to find out if you're knocked up or not. I'm waiting to see if I'm going to be having a job after tomorow or not. It's pretty ridiculous because corporate and my Director (the person I'm secretarying [is that a word?] for) says yes they want me but this District Manager is telling them no. I think it's because he's sexist. "But Ricky, you have an 11incher around" I know ladies I know but the thing is I'm turning into a chick. A big dyky one at that. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I've notice some things about girls and it's that the majority of the time, they love to get ready with one another and in the younger stages of woman-hood you dress up like one another. Let me paint this picture for you. I get to work at 8 in the morning today and I noticed that I didn't put gel, thanks to a female co-worker in the office. She gives me some weird gel I've never heard of and gives me a compact. I put the gel on and she starts giving hair tips and honestly listen to her and we start touching up my air. That's when it hit me. I'm a chick. On top of that, my boss walks in (she's a powerful women mind you) and she's wearing this like Jackie Kennedy type yellow jacket. Next thing I know I hear "Very nice shirt Ricardo where did you get it" and I tell her "Oh at Macys it was on sale." then the worst thing happened. One of the guy supervisors comes in and says "Hey Ricardo, did you call Ellen to make sure you two matched?" and I look down and remember...I'm wearing a nice yellow shirt. Then only thing left is my vagina. I need to do something manly now like watch MMA or...wait...F that. MMA is a bunch of guys rolling around half naked in a ring. I think that would further prove my gayness. Not that it's gay to watch it. Don't get me wrong. People who actually know what MMA is about and watches it for the competitivness and not cause some YouTube sensation is on the bill "fighting" are cool. (Sean don't hurt me. Nor you too Mark. You guys aren't gay. Jody is.) I think me being in the position I'm at watching MMA wouldn't help my cause. I think I need to watch porn. But lesbian porn. Or would that just make me gay anyways cause I'm turning into a chick so it would make me gay if I liked women too. Jesus Christ my head is hurting from all this thinking. Oh no...I'm getting a cramp..

An Aniversary of Sorts...

Finally I get around to writing a blog. Funny times because this day seems to be going my way the entire day. So I guess I'll jump straight into what today means to me. A year ago today, my life literally changed. The guy you have all come to know and love was starting to mold. The break up happened this time last year. And boy what a break up it was. I was in a relationship for almost 5 years. Unfortunately, we didn't make it. Am I sad about it? I'm not going to lie; I wish it would have worked out. But it didn't. And that's life. I can't sit here and cry about it like I had for 7 months. Well... I guess I am bitching about it since I'm actually taking the time to actually mention it instead of writing something funny. But hey, I need an off day. Anygay, would I go back? Probably not. I don't think ever. During a break up, as I'm sure a lot of you probably have gone through, you find out about the person you fell for but you also find out a little more about yourself. The thing for me is that I was too dependent on having a relationship. I wasn't really being myself to my full potential. Since the incident, I've done so much it's hilarious. I started doing stand up, which I need to pick back up on, and it got me to some pretty crazy opportunities. Like meeting Mel Brooks and getting advice from him. I can honestly say that Mel was on my dick that night because after he shook my hand, I immediately got in my car and jerked while I drove away from the $100,000 plate event. I've gone from doing stand up, getting closer to my family, hanging with my friends and meeting some new ones along the way, doing my first Dirty Sanchez, donkey punching the ladies, and much more. I know the question is probably going to come up if my ex was holding me back. The answer to that is no not at all. I just never had the guts to do any of that stuff because I was focused on making us happy and making sure we were ok. People change over time and that's usually the main reasons for break ups. I wasn't going to sit at home and practically kill myself because we broke up. I know how I used to get and that's why I started going out more. And thank God for friends because they know how emo I get. Which I hate using that word because I sound like a douche.

A Day with Grandma...

So the other day I spent some time with my Grandma. Pretty exciting times. Honestly, if you ever want to feel good about yourself, hang out with an old person. I was in the area the other day and my mom called me to let me know my grandma was feeling a little lonely since my grandpa went out for the day. I'm assuming he went out to the titty bar again but to each their own right? As I walk through that door, my grandma had this surprised look on her face to see me. I don't know if she was surprised to see that someone stopped by, or that she had just made fudge in her pants. Either way, I felt like she was glad to see me. I asked her if she wanted to go to the store or if she had any errands she wanted to do and I could drive her around and she obliged and let me take her to this outdoor mall by her house. As we're walking around the stores, I was kind of browsing at some shoes in the window. Next thing I know, I forgot I was with my grandma and kind of freaked out cause I couldn't find her. Then I heard her little Hispanic giggle and knew she was a few stores down. As I wobbled down, I noticed she was looking through a store window with this perplexed look on her face. I walked over to see what she was looking at and I noticed the neon lit store sign and instantly knew this was going to be bad. My grandma asked what the item was in the window and I was afraid to look. There was this red satin heart in the back ground with a 12in black dildo on a glass pedestal... shaped like another penis. I didn't know what to say so I just told her it was a baton and that cops shopped here. She said "Oh ok Mijo" and I decided to take her back home. Once we got to her house, I decided to try out the new Lazy Boy chair her and my Grandpa bought. Holy shit it felt like I was rufied about a minute after I sat down on it. I woke up scared and confused, my clothes were all disheveled, I felt dirty...it's a great chair. Once I woke up, I decided to make some food. You know that saying "Kids say the darndest things"? Get you an old person and check out the shit they say. I opened the fridge and out loud I said "I wish there was something here to make a sandwich.” Next thing I know, I hear my Grandma say "Mmm...a wish in one hand and shit in another." I just looked up and couldn't believe what I just heard so I just threw the lettuce back in and laughed. We decided to bbq instead since my Grandma loves eating steak. As I was making rice and steaming vegetables, my Grandma was trying to cut the meat and says "Aye this is harder then wang" I kid you not. It was insane. I just sat there shaken my head thinking poor Grandpa. You're not supposed to chew the wang Grandma. And then she plays these mind games with me it's pretty hilarious. I'll be sitting there waking up from my rufie induced sleep on that Lazy Boy and she'll say "It's nice out today. I think I'm going to clean out the garage." She's like 85, she's not going anywhere. It means I'm going to be cleaning out the garage. But I kind of outsmarted her after hearing her say things a few times. That day I hung out with her she said "Mijo, I think I'm going to go out and plant those flowers I have in the back." I looked at her and said "Oh gee Grandma, I think today you were going to go to the Drs. and getting your prescription weed and taking me to Hooters." She sits back and puts her hands on her head and says "Oh that's right." It's funny too because when I take her to her doctor’s appointments, they'll give her vicodin for anything. Chapped lips; a silo of vicodin. Ashy hands; a barrel of vicodin. It's insane. Anyways, that's my day with Grandma. Word...

-Ricky

Hello From My Couch Part II

It was brougt to my attention by my friend Sean that eating porn was taken out of context. I meant to say "There's only so much porn you can watch and Frito Pies you can eat..." I did not mean to literraly eat porn. Unless you're into eating DVD's or smutty magazines. To each their own though. So Sean and Dave and anyone else who actually reads this, I'm sorry for that confusion and this is an Editorial note to fix my mistake. And remember, don't be a daddy, cover your meat patty.

Hello from my couch....

Well I'm writing to you from my couch, one of the many exciting places that I will be hitting up today. Next, I'm gonna party on into the garage and maybe try and play drums. I figure with all this free time I gotta do something productive. There's only so much porn and Frito Pies you can eat before you feel like Larry Flint on a Friday night. I think this is the most free time I have ever had in my life. Everyone was telling me I could use the time off to relax, but it's been kind of boring. I've been sleeping in til 9 or 10 and not showering until 5 at night when I have to go to school. Fun times on my end. Up until last week I was looking like one of the Oklahoma City bombers. My beard was getting pretty nasty and my hair was longer than Ron Jeremy's dong. What? And then I wonder why I'm a single ha. Actually, it's been about a year since I've been single. Lot of ups, lot of downs, but It's been good. You meet a lot of people. I think I've said that before. A few blind dates here and there but nothing really special. It's kind of hard for me to actually date someone as stupid as that sounds. I usually get put in that "Friends" category. I mean, you can always use friends, but sometimes it gets kind a little tiring. My problem is, I'm not really forward with what I want. I'm always unsure about everything. From what to eat, to where to go, from "should I wear my Incredible Hulk Underwear or Elephant Thong" debates, always unsure. Plus, knowning if someone likes me or not is not my greatest quality. I'm pretty blind when it comes to that stuff. Which is why I'm kind of in a pickle or a situation. It's funny cause the person I'm into gives me the butterflies whenever I hear from her. I really don't know how to go about this, so maybe someone will give me some advice on what to do ha. All I know is that for Halloween, I'm gonna be a Sexy Bumblebee and hopefully that doesn't scare her off haha. Anyways, I gotta go kill some terrorists online aka play games. Holler. I'm probably gonna do a short film in a bit and I'll post it up here. I'm that bored.

Viva Las Vegas

What it do nephews. Well I just got back from Vegas and wow, could
shit get any funnier there? The capital of booze, floozy women, and
wrong decisions. When you step into the city, there's this feeling of
"Im a someone here, so let's fuck things up". When I first arrived to
Vegas to pick up my buddy, it didn't really hit me until my buddy Kk
pointed something out. "Dude check out that guy Rick". I look over at
the airport baggage claim and there's a guy, solo, wearing an orange
prisoner-esque jumpsuit with the lettering of "Dead man walking"
enscribed on the back. It was his last weekend before his wedding.
That's when it hit me. It's party time. As my buddy Derek finally got
up to us, we were more than ready to party. I don't think it really
matters where you stay in Vegas because every place just gives this
aura of good times. We stayed at probably the shittiest place you
could stay at on the strip, but it didn't matter because when you
drink, your body will crash anywhere. It's true, one time I woke up on
the beach. But that's a different story for a different day. Point is,
Vegas changes who you are and lets you forget all the worries in your
life. Now, those who know me know that when I talk to women, I'm like
Woody Allen, I have no idea what to do. I stutter, mumble words, talk
fast, the whole works. In Vegas, I'm like the Charlie Sheen of all 22
year olds, minus the casual sex and douchbaginess. I can actually talk
to women. I told my amigos that I was going to be the best wingman I
can, and they too would be it in return. Two chicks were walking by,
pretty good looking and one wearing a Nebraska State t-shirt. I yelled
out "Nebraska!" and the chick stopped and was like "woooooo" so I told
her I was from there and she loved it. Then, she asked where I was
from. I was like "huh what?" and Kk kept whispering "Lincoln, Lincoln,
Lincoln" "oh I'm from Lincoln". So we talked and went our way. Low and
behold we crossed each others path again and I yelled Nebraska and she
yelled "I love you".

Now, I can sit here and tell you all these other stories, but some
stuff just has to stay there. Vegas is the American Dream. Screw
owning a house, getting a good job, or even having a smoking hot
spouse. Going to Vegas is the like celebrating your American-ness.
You're not an American unless you go there once in your life. It
brings people together, no matter what gender, age, or race. Here's an
example before I go. Strip clubs are great. I'm not gonna lie. It's
like watching a Broadway Play or Musical. You have women (or men if
you're into that) dancing onstage to entertain you. On top of that, it
takes GREAT acting ability to get that close to a stranger and make
them feel like you are Gods gift to this world. As I was sitting there
in probably a stained chair, I saw probably the most unattractive guy
in the world. The dude was probably pushing 350, sweating everywhere,
long bushy hair, and like a 2ft beard. I looked at the dancer. About
5'4, huge boobies, great ass, brunette, and workin it. I looked at
those two and saw them lock eyes and I looked at his goofy ass smile
and I'm sure he had a chubby but at that same time something occurred.
I realized those two weren't just customer and client, but Americans.
As I was about to chant USA, my buddy Kk tapped me on the shoulder and
said "Rick look. No way". I looked to my left and saw the same fuckin
guy from the airport, the one wearing the orange jumpsuit. He noticed
us looking as a dancer was dropping her ass on his face and saluted
us, and we saluted back. So friends, if everything is wrong in your
life or you just need to feel comradery with your fellow American, go
to Vegas. Viva Las Vegas bitches

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone