Goodbye Fat, Hello Skinny (Well, kinda)

Editors Note- If you haven’t already, please take my blog with a grain of Salt. I really don’t mean to offend anyone but if I do, take a step back and look into your own humor and see if it’s there. If it’s not, look up your ass because I’m sure it’s there. Actually, move that stick that’s up in your ass or take it out then the humor will flow out. The Following is a “Dear John” letter to my Fat and a love letter to my future Skinny Self. This has no other meaning, it’s just a joke. I borrowed the idea from my new found friend Jeanette who writes a blog on http://tragedyofleaves.blogspot.com/ the best form of flattery is stealing. So I stole this haha. Enjoy


Dearest Fat,
As you can see, we've been kind of going through a different time in our lives and we're at different places in what we want to achieve with our current relationship. I know you can kind of assume where I'm heading with this letter but it's much more then that. It's a bigger meaning than you and I and somehow, you just need to grasp it. Listen, Fat, I love you. Probably more than I love anything in this world. I love the way you make me feel on a cold wintery night. I love how I can lay down, watch a movie, and place a nice cold brewski on you without hearing you complain. I love how you make me feel when I see you having pleasure with Fried Foods. I know it's a little weird but I love it. I love you so much that even the smell of you tickles me and creates this salivation in my mouth that only you can do. You're one of a kind. But...like most things in life, "the good things come to an end". I know, I hate clichés too because they really are just a stupid pun to make the other person understand because you don't but it's true. You've been holding me down for quite some time and I need you to kind of back away. I need air, I need to breathe. It's just...it's not me, it's you. You do these things to me that I hate myself for doing afterwards. I know I'm coming off a little harsh Fat but it's true. I feel dirty after I have my way with you. The sad thing is, I kind of feel like a hooker after she exits that motel room. I know what they go through and I honestly never wanted to feel so used and violated. That's what hurts me the most. You say you love me, but you hurt me. On top of that, you cock-block me. You don't understand how hard it is to talk to someone literally half the size of you. You don't know because you are kept hidden. I want to wear bright colors Fat and you won't let me do that. There's only so much black I can wear that can hide you. I bought a striped shirt that's pretty bad ass and I can't even wear it because stripes make you stand out. I'm sorry I'm getting so angry but you've been with me since I was in the 4th grade. My buddy Sloppy Joe introduced me to you and then it was love at first sight. So Fat...I need to move on. To quote Robert Frost, I "need to take the road less traveled" and that means a road without you. I'm sorry Fat, but I need to do this. You do things where my mouth might like, but my ass needs an explanation as to what is going on up there. Like most break ups, we might run into each other and if I'm up for it, I might want to catch up with you and see how you're doing and who knows, maybe we'll have the break up hook up some time in the future and we have a threesome with Colonel Sanders and his chickens but right now, I need to move on. Take care Fat, I love you and this separation is going to be hard, but always know that some kid in Africa would love to meet you.

One Love,
Ricky



Dearest Skinny,
I finally did it. I broke it off with Fat. I don't know if you got my e-mail, text message, or phone calls but I did it. Now we can move on. I know life is going to be a little better just cause of the fact that I can probably play sports a lot better or fit in a swing set, but I'm glad you're around. You make me feel young again and I haven't felt that in such a long time. Don't get me wrong, I know we had a secret affair when we were on that indoor soccer team together or got the Nintendo Wii and worked out, but it wasn't the same as what we have now. I don't want me to be clingy or anything either, I'm just kind of new to this whole thing. It's going to take time for each of us to get to know one another and that's fine. I'm glad I'm going to have you as my wing(man?) Skinny. Unlike Fat, you're pretty outgoing. I just don't want to bug you but I want you to know I'm happy with what's in store for us. I just want to apologize and if I screw up and flirt with Fat, but it's just because Fat's been with me for so long that we have this connection. I mean, Fat encouraged me to eat 33 wings in one sitting to beat my friend Mark. I don't know if Fat cared about my well-being or what but that night I was dying. So I'm terribly sorry if Fat whisks me away for a night. I'm just glad you're cool with it and I promise if Fat does make me eat a ton of pizza or chips or candy or fried rice or whatever, I know you'll be there with open arms to get me back into shape with tough love. Tough love, that's something Fat didn't do for me. So thank you Skinny, I'm glad to have you and I like forward to our transition.

xoxo,
Ricky