Trip to Laughlin

Yesterday can be summed up into two words…Jesus Christ. I had to drive out to Laughlin for the day to help my Dad deliver a truck to a customer. Problem was I had to drive by myself for four hours. Aside from that, I was thought to be a threat to California Agriculture, gained new appreciations for Rednecks, lessened my appreciation for Cougars, found out I can win table games when I have no idea how the game is played, and have a feeling that my Dad thinks his son may be a little less straight then what previously thought…

 

Driving Four Hours Does Wonder on the Brain

If there’s anything I can actually teach you in life, it would probably be don’t drive to Laughlin by yourself and think. Seriously; Don’t even think now. I get a ton of random thoughts in my head, everyone is aware of that. I don’t know what I was listening to, but I got to thinking about cheesy pick-up lines that I probably would have done if my buddies Mike and Dave came along with me on the trip. Here are probably 3 of the most retarded ones I came up with

1. How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi I’m Ricky…bam.
2. Knock Knock. Whose there? Ricky, nice to meet you…wham-o
3. Wow, you with all those curves and me with no brakes…

Other things on my mind, why do strip clubs always have bright neon signs that say “LIVE NUDE!!!” are there some strip clubs that bring in the necrophiliac crowd? When the “Burn-o­ut­-in-the-Parking-Lot-Guy” goes home at night, does he just do a fist pump in the air and says to himself “I just nailed that Albertson’s. Next, the mall…” Who the fuck is Joanie and does she really love Chachi?

 

A New Breed of Rednecks

During the time I was thinking and singing some tuneski’s, I got lost. I swear to God, I thought I was in the movie The Hills Have Eyes. I thought some mutant was going to come down, blow my tires, and I was going to awake to me getting raped by some Zombie thing. After wiping the tears from my eyes, I managed to make it back to the highway and went to one of the scariest looking gas stations ever constructed in the Western Hemisphere. As I walked in, I couldn’t help but notice the enormous amount of “Don’t Tread on Me” and “These Colors Don’t Run” American flag banners hanging up all over the place. After looking at an old 1970’s advertisement for Tad soda, this guy spins his swivel chair and says “Wat can I help you with boy”. After realizing that this dude was part of the Confederate Army (Thanks to the help of his t-shirt that said Confederates Do It Better) I managed to mumble out “Yeah, Hi sir, I’m looking on how to get back to Bullhead City” “Oh dang nambits I love them Bullhead city. Its rite darn there near that city wit them big ol lights like las vegas” so after getting directions I could hardly make out, he looks at me and says “so you gunna be votin’ boy?” “ Um, yes sir I will be voting” “What you think about that McCain Feller” “I don’t think I’ll be voting for him. I might be voting for Obama” “Obama? OBAMA!!! I love OBAMA! That man is going to lead our nation back to what it was. Grrreat I tell you what. And I think he might let me keep ol Betsie (Points to his Shotgun I didn’t even notice next to the register)” “Oh wow, that’s great I’m glad you like him. Well look I gotta get going.” “You come back now you here when Obama takes it. We’ll celebrate by shooting Ol Betsie here”

 

Cougars, no thank you

After being lost for a while, I finally made it to Bullhead City, picked my Dad up and we made it to Laughlin to have a little fun. When we first got there, we had a beer and I sat down at a table in which I thought was Blackjack. I’m sitting on the table and talking with my Dad who wasn’t playing and my Dad tells me the dealer wants me to cut the deck. I can see these two old people just shaking their head on the table. First off, I’ve played Blackjack a ton of times. Not once has the dealer EVER given it to the person who just showed up to the table, unless they strike a conversation. So after looking like an idiot there, she starts passing out two cards face down, which again is never the case. So I flip my cards over and she freaks “Sir put your cards down” and I’m just staring at her like a retarded looking at a piece of bologna for the first time. So I look at my cards and I do a hand motion for hit me. She tells me I have to brush the cards a certain way, which I did as I motion hit me. So the old people laugh again. Eventually I realize, I’m not playing Blackjack. I’m playing some weird ass poker game against the dealer. My dad is busting up at me because I have no idea what I’m doing. After a flop of another round of cards, she hands me $10, I guess I won. So my dad and I are laughing at the fact that I was playing Blackjack and it was a complete different game. As we are laughing, the dealer assumes I’m still playing and starts dealing again. Still not knowing what I’m doing, I ask for another card and stop. I win again. Now I won $10 more bucks. No idea how, no idea why but I won. So I get off and start playing Video poker while my dad walks around. As I’m playing, I notice a strong smell of menthol and feeling of want. I turn around and there she was, A 52 year old lady smoking a Virginia Slim and just fixating on me. She wasn’t the prettiest thing in the world, nor cute for that fact. She looks like a greeter at Wal-Mart. So I just say hi and turn back around and in a deep raspy voice she says “Hi my name is Deb, what’s yours sweetie?” “Ricky mam” “Please call me Deb. So what’s a young little stud like you doing in a place like this” after holding my throw up I respond “Just hangin out with my Dad Deb” “Hmmm…so how about you and I go up to my private room sweet cheeks?” “You know Deb, that’s probably not a good idea. My dad is walking around and if he comes over here and I’m not here he’s going to flip” “Oh come on. Let me show you a good time. How bout I buy you a beer” “Actually Deb I’m almost done with my beer here and I’m going to be leaving so….” “Well come find me if you change your mind” she rubs my back and leaves. Friends…I think I’ve told everyone of you that if I saw a cougar and that cougar was about to pounce at me, I wouldn’t move. I’d let it attack me. Well I lied…this thing, this beast was not a cougar. This was some sort of alpha-feline. I was so scared she was going to take me to her room. She reeked of despair and moonshine. She smoked so much, I’m sure her vagina could make smoke rings. Deb ruined my love for Cougars…

 

Having Some Sort of Style Sense, Doesn’t Make You Straight

After running the hell out of Laughin, my dad and I decided to stop by some outlets and do a little shopping. We went to this skate shop that was closing down. I found a polo I liked but was kind of hesitant on getting it. My dad told me to get it and I said no, and I quote “One thing dad, stripes are going to make me look fat. Second, this doesn’t match some of the stuff I have” My Dad looks right at me, shakes his head, and calls me “Joto” which is gay in Spanish. I looked at him and was just ashamed with myself. It didn’t help either when I put on the shirt and asked him if it made me look fat.  The problem is, I watch way too much Project Runway, which is actually gay in itself. I think yesterday my sister and I were watching it and she said “I hope they don’t kick off the guy” “No they’ll get off the girl, her colors are clashing”. This is what watching these shows will do to you, they’ll gay you down. This is almost as bad as my obsession with watching Food Network with my pants off.

 

So that was my Saturday.

 

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Nerd Chills...

Anyone ever experiance this? It's like when you listen to a great song and you get this rush of electricity through your body then you get goosebumps. Or when you're watching Saved By The Bell and when Zack kisses Kelly and the audience does that whole "OWWWWWWW" thing and you get goosebumps. That's nerd chills. Last night was Obama's acceptance speech and I'm more than sure you either 1) Watched it 2) Heard about it from someone or through a 30 second clip on the news or 3) a combination of the two. I'm not really big on politics. I think people who know me kinda know I just really don't care or am not too bright about what goes on with it. All I know is that we vote, and the opposite gets done. That's why I'm voting for McCain. Anygay, last night I actually got the chills from hearing him speak. This is the first time any politician gave me chills and I felt good about it. My brother was there and took some pretty good pictures of the whole party. He's actually a delegate for Obama and has been in Denver for this whole week. It's funny because yesterday people made a big deal about Obama speaking on the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jrs "I Have A Dream Speech". Yeah, it's a little ironic and some people felt that this whole race for the Presidency is going to be all about symbolisms. Take for instance the Republican Convention. It's going to be held in Mississippi. I'm pretty sure Mississippi is pretty well know for being a pretty racist state. Well the North Part of it. So does that go to show that the Republican party adhears to racisism? Probably not but I can guarentee you someone is going to throw that out there. And now John McCain announced his running VP. It's the Governor for Alaska Sarah Palin. Um, I am more than certain no one really knows who this chick is. Obviously she won't have that name recognition like everyone else has in the political scene but she is quite the cougar not going to lie. The decision to have her as VP was probably a white flag for the Republican party since she really has no experiance. Plus, she's a pretty boring speaking. However, when I look at her, I think of those old 1980's pornos as her as a librarian running her hands through her hair to the tune of WhiteSnake's "Here I Go Again" and doing the craziest strip tease and showing her boobs like there's no tomorrow. That's my image of Sarah Palin. I think this is the only thing McCain has against Obama, a VP who we all want to dream of her doing a strip tease in the Oval Office. I seriously would like to see her at Deja Vu working the pole so I can make it rain...no...make it hail ("throw nickles and dimes cause I'm a baller on a budget bitch") with the DJ in the background saying "Give her tips to see her tits". Anyways, Obama or bust 2008. Lastly, here are 5 "How Old is John McCain" jokes...

John McCain is so old, his first pet was a T-Rex
John McCain is so old, the key that was on Ben Franklin's kite was to his slave stable
John McCain is so old, him and Jesus were tagging the Old Testament on the walls of a building, McCain got busted, ratted out Jesus, and Jesus was put on a crucifix. (A little long but read it again and you'll laugh)
John McCain is so old, he knew the Burger King when he was just a prince
John McCain is so old, the Dead Sea was just getting sick at the time.

Why I'm Better Than Michael Phelps

1) I don't worry about the 10,000 calories I eat in one day

2) I'm interesting when people come talk to me

3) Michael and I both have a 6 pack, mine is just hidden underneath my
cooler

4) Micheal Phelps can not beat Chuck Norris in a 500m Backstroke Event. I can

5) I have a Bronze Medal in Dodgeball from Royal Carribbean, he doesn't

6) My teeth are straight

Good job with all the wins Phelps, kick some international ass

xoxo
Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

Angels vs Dojers Debate

What a way to have a lunch. So at lunch, I don my Angel cap and go out for a nice feast of Hot Wings and Fries at this place. Low and behold, 2 guys wearing Dodger blue are sitting at a table. I walk in and we make eye contact. I feel like Clint Eastwood walking into a saloon, except I'm Mexican and overweight. I place my order and I can feel the eyes of Dodger fans staring at me. Basically it’s the feeling you get when you think someone is going to mug you late at night. Thankfully, the place had a TV with ESPN running and showed a highlight of last night's Angel game when we played the Mariners and spoke about our 15 game lead in the division. Immediately after, it showed a highlight of the Dodger game and had a little story about how they wouldn’t win their division. So I sit down just watching TV and I hear one of the guys say "Well at least we're not gay like the Angels" and the other guy starts laughing. I turn around and say "Um...we may be 'gay' but I think we have the best records in the majors, we’ll win our division, and are fans are not constantly in jail." and the riot ensued. Fans of my awesome blog, why do people insist to talk bad about another team that is clearly doing better than the other? I just don't get it. This whole Angels are better then Dodgers rivalry thing is pretty heated. One of the best rivalries in sports history. Each fan base is crazy. Both fans would fight. I think we should have a Battle Royal and just go to town on each other. Not like the go to town as in Wedding Night lovin (as I’m sure some Dodger Fans who have been in the Twin Towers would love to get some of that “drop the soap” action again). The bar fight type of going to town. That would be great. Instead of a 7th inning stretch, why not punch a Dodger fan or vice versa. I'm not advocating violence but...actually I guess I am. Don't really do it though. Especially at Dodger stadium at Free Shank Give Away night. They'll cut you up. In two months we’re going to find out the answer to this years feuding with the Dodgers and Angels. Will the Dodgers actually not choke for once and make the playoffs? Probably not because they usually do. They have a better change with Manny Ramirez, but they’re still far from even matching the Angels. The entire season I don’t think we’ve had a slump and fallen out of first. Anygay, Dodger fans, relax. I know you guys are so mad to the point where you actually shot one of your own last night (I’d link the story right here, but when you Google “Dodger Fan Shot at Dodger Stadium”, 25 other stories actually pop up. It’s sad) but that’s no excuse to take it out on everyone. I actually went to a Dodger game about 2 months ago and sat in the All You Can Eat section and I have to admit, the concept was great, but the place looked like trash. I’m never seen so much filth and Mexicans in my life. When I was at the game, I honestly thought Mexico was prone to an invasion because there’s no one there to defend it. I’m insinuating that all the Mexicans are here just in case you didn’t catch that.
Before I go, here are some things Dodger fans typically say to an Angel Fan
"Los Dojers are more better than the Angels"--Quick response to fan (You speak as well as the Dodgers hit)
"Hey homie, the Angels don't even play in LA so change the name!"--Rebuttal (Um..maybe the city of Los Angeles was tired of having a losing team as their representative)
"You're an Angel fan? I'm gonna kick your a**"--This time just run. Some Dodger fans are nuts. Dodger Stadium's give always consists of "Free magazine clip to your gun" night, "Free Shank Night", "Free get out of jail free card night" and "Tommy Lasorda Bobble head Night" Personally I'd take the Tommy Lasorda bobble head. Great guy and amazing Manager.

Recycled Blog (Since more of you are reading it)

I've been a pretty busy guy this past week or two with work, writing jokes for my stand up, and just trying to live a normal single life. I wrote this back in June before this site got better so enjoy...I'm actually writing a new blog now...

"So I haven't written any blogs in a while because I've been kind of wrapped up in baseball this past two weeks. I swear, I'm addicted to it right now. It's almost as addicting as Heroin or Kool-Aid. I wish everything worked like a baseball game. It would be awesome. I'd want to be paying for stuff at a store and have a group of people cheer me on with Da Da Da Dannn Da Dannnn CHARRRRGGEEE!!! Or I'll be at church and the priest is like "Matthew 2:12 And God said.." another priest runs out from the pew and runs up to the front. "Alright Father, pack it up. We're gonna sit you out on this one" The other Priest is like "Come on, I got another sermon in me Brother" "Nah, we're gonna bring in the new guy from Nigeria. We need someone to get this crowd going. Hit the holy water Father". Priest walks off all pissed. That's what life needs. It needs someone to toss a beach ball and heckle people out of no where. I would give a million bucks to anyone who would heckle and chant crap at me while I was eating or something. Actually, I wouldn't give a million because I don't have that much. Maybe like $5 or something. Anygay, baseball, gotta love it."

Bring back To Catch a Predator

I'm sure most of you are WELL aware of the hit show To Catch a Predator. They follow a crew of people who will chase pedophile's online while posing as minors, convince them to come over their house for sex, then get busted by Chris Matthews from MSNBC and verbally raped. As they walk outside the house with their boners completly gone, a swarm of police officers who love to beat the crap out of pedophiles and blacks (I got you my brothas, I don't like the cops either) scare the creep and arrest him. It's probably the greatest thing they've created in the history of T.V. Unfortunately the show was cancelled when I believe a Congressman or political figure of some sort decided to off himself (kill himself... not, you know...the other off) as the cops were about to bust him. Ever since the show cancelled, pedophilia has been on the rise. It's insane. How would I know? Just turn on your TV today or listen to the radio. I can guarentee that you'll see something or hear something about Miley Cyrus having all these provocative pictures showing up out of nowhere. On top of that, Disney has been heavily promoting stuff like High School Musical and Camp Rock and other pieces of crap like that. It's bad to walk into a room with older guys and here one go "Dude, Demi Lovato in camp rock...I'd do her" "Um..she's 15 or 16 man..." "Oh....I meant the camp rock professor, isn't that her?" Or even High School Musical. They are playing kids in High School...to hear someone say "Dude I'd bang Gabriela" (she's Vanessa Hudgens character, before you ask I googled). She's playing a 16 year old! Come on man. I can honestly see 17, cause I mean it's like one year before 18, but still it's sick. I want To Catch a Predator to come back. I loved seeing their reactions when they get surprised by Chris Matthews. The best was when he would recite the entire text of Instant Messaging to them. "Did you not say "I want to put my blank on your blank blank and try to blank blank all night long"?" They would all have the same excuse "She didn't tell me how old she was." "I thought she said she was 19" "I'm just coming over to show her not to talk to strangers because a stranger might rape her" It was such a classic. "Is your screen name not IwantToBangAnyoneUnder18 ?" "Yeah but I thought she was 22". If I was a pedophile, I'd wait outside a bush in front of the house and send a telegram to Chris Matthews so he would have to sign at the door. That way if the little girl answered and said Chris Matthews wasn't here, I'd be set to go. Just a theory. Pedophiles are sick...

Greatest Site Ever

When I first started this blog, I intended to write about bands, other comedians, my life, etc etc…so far I don’t think I’ve covered any of that. I wanna talk to you about a certain website in my life that is probably the greatest invention in the history of the World Wide Web or WWW for short. Craigslist is by far, the best website in the world. No other website even comes close to this. Hell, not even a particular store can actually match the extreme awesomeness of this website. Craigslist.com is literally your one stop shop. Where else can you find a copy of Gladys Knights “Nitty Gritty” for only $15 bucks or even a tank full of piranhas? I’m not even kidding you. Click the link and someone is selling piranhas. This is what makes this website F-in amazing. Not only can you use it as a way better Penny Saver, but you can actually look up jobs such as this one. I don’t know how legit it is, but I doubt you can find one on Monster.com like it. That’s not even the half of it. They have personal ads as well. Sure you can go ahead and click on Strictly Platonic and just meet a stranger and go to the movies together. Why not be adventurous though? Click on your gender looking for the opposite sex. Or be even bolder (ladies I’m talking to you) and go search out for that first female encounter at Women searching Women. Craigslist not only surpasses that option but clearly blows it out of the water with their Casual Encounters section. Have you even checked that out? Holy crap it’s hilarious. Some of the titles are epic. “Wonder Women looking to get SuperF***”. “Searching for that Dark Knight to fill my Dark Hole”. The best part is, if you still live at home, you can just type “Please host”. And people still reply. It’s neat…. Have you waited in line at your local Starbucks recently and saw someone you wanted to talk to but their Mocha Latte was called up before you even placed your Carmel Frapachino order? Head on over to Craigslist missed connections link and you can post a little thing about what they were wearing, what place you saw them at, and how they can reach you. Fate and destiny will take over the rest. Magically the other person will hop on their MacBook at Starbucks, randomly decide to check out Craigslist and click on mixed connections, click on Men Searching Women and not get confused with Women Searching Men because that’s where a lot of the screw up takes place, and wah la, they found you. Instantly they’ll look at their closet at home and know that the Black and White Cardigan they were describing was yours. Fate…that’s it for now. I’m actually price matching BJ’s on the Erotic Services link on the bottom of the page….


Ricky

Cowmanhat...

I’m thoroughly convinced that there is a greater evil in this world other than terrorism. Honestly. No, this isn’t a political post but something needs to change. A lot of us have a ton of different options to do to pass our free time. Whether it be picking up a new hobby, reading that book you bought in front of someone you liked so you would look a whole lot smarter, or even typing in words in the web address bar and adding .com to see what pops up. You’d be blow away at what you’ll find. But there’s something that a ton of people decide to do together to pass time and that is playing board games. Big mistake. Board games are ridiculous. They literally can determine who will walk out of that room either happy, sad, pissed off, or retarded. Case in point, last night. I went over to my buddy Jody’s to play a game of Pictionary. We got our teams and the game was on…I was teamed up with another friend Sean (Who happens to know every f-in pointless trivia question ever. Which is ridiculously awesome). We roll first and Sean decides to draw. I don’t blame him because I’m the worst drawer ever. Actually, first off, this is where everything goes wrong. Being the first person in any game is probably the worst feeling in the world. Worse than knowing you’re late to something so you try and rush but you keep getting every red light known to man. Going first determines how you’re going to be for the rest of the game. If you get it right, you intimidate everyone around that table. If you get it wrong, well, you look like an ass. So Sean looks at his card and immediately says “Oh we got this one”. It was comforting. Unfortunately, I’m an idiot. Everyone knows it. He starts his drawing and this is what he gets… Once I see the cow, I say cow like a million times, mind you I only have 30 seconds to decide what he’s trying to draw. I’m sure most of you who will read this will probably get what Sean was trying to draw. I kept yelling out Cow….then Cow Man….then Hat. So what do I decide to do? I decide to say cowmanhat in like 21 possible ways. CowMANhat. COWmanHat? CowmanHAT? COWMANHAT! Like that’s going to make him all of a sudden say “Oh yeah that’s it. The 21st version you said it was right on the money” Needless to say, I felt like an idiot. It doesn’t help when I have the other four saying “Oh dude I got it” “If you don’t get this you’re retarded” “Ricky I have a homosexual love for you”. When the final sand fell in the timer, you can just see Sean laughing at me and they all say “It was cowboy hat dude” then laugh. I was belittled by my very friends. It sucks because I honestly thought that if I said Cowmanhat like a million times, eventually I would get it right. The game progresses and it’s my turn to draw. The first half of the game was basically me making an ass out of myself. I was disqualified in every possible way you could get dq’d on. I drew numbers, I drew letters on a keyboard, I said “Um, I don’t think I can draw phrases”. Eventually I started getting the hang of the game and I was drawing masterpieces like this one…We lost because Jody and Mark cheated throughout the entire game…actually they came from behind. I honestly thought Katie and David were going to go all the way because Katie would draw a line and David would automatically get it right. But this is the part I love about Pictionary, you can draw 18 versions of an item, and your partner will say every single word other than the most obvious. I was drawn an American Flag and I think I said everything but America. David fell to the same trap when Katie drew a hat and David was yelling out "Cap, Tophat, hoodie, baseball hat". Pictionary…worse than a Ouija Board. And don’t get me started on Monopoly. That is a trainwreck from the beginning. Everyone fights to be the little car or the dog and then Grandma’s get punched when they start taking money from the bank when everyone argues if the Free Parking decal is a telephone or a 1930’s style car. Why the hell would a phone be in a free parking spot? Come on…

-Ricky