For the first time in about 4 years and two months…I did something I never imagined I would do. When I graduated high school and threw those tortillas and beach balls up in the air, I made two promises to myself. The first was not to have any bi-curious encounters while in college. The second was to never drive by that school again. I hate to say, I broke one of those promises…his name was Mike. Actually, I drove by that damn school. Most of you are probably asking yourself “Was high school really that bad for you Ricky? Were you bullied in school?” Actually no; it wasn’t that bad, I just hated it a lot. I was forced to attend the “prestigious” Damien High School in La Verne, California. Some of you may know that school and can kind of see where I’m coming from, others have no idea. Damien was an All-Male catholic high school. You know how hard it is to ask a guy to Prom? It’s tough. Do you know what it’s like to go to a school, full of nothing but guys, for four years? You’ve seen us at parties. You get a group of guys at a party and once someone passes out, they wake up with penises and “I’m gay” written on their face. I’m pretty sure you have once or twice fallen asleep in class. See, at any other school you can just fall asleep and that’s pretty much the end of that class. At Damien when you fall asleep, you wake up with duct tape bound around your head to the desk and with about 3 penises by your mouth and a detention for being late to your next class. Great times. I’m lucky to say, maybe happened to me once. I was always adamant about not going to that school when I spoke to my mom and dad. They told me it was “family tradition”. My uncles and my brother went there so that’s how I knew some of the stories. Whipping your penis out and calling another guy a “fag” for looking was a common routine. It sucks walking out of the shower and seeing it. “Aww shit! God damn, put that dick away” “FAG” “God damnit Dad”…I remember coming home every day and listening to all the great stuff going on at my other friends school and how people we went to school with were “growing” (aka developing boobs). On top of all that, most of the guys there were douches. Almost everyone there had money, well their parents owned a ton of money. I was driving a 1996 Nissan Gardening Truck with Detachable Mower while other guys were driving the new 2003 Inifities or BMW’s. It was fantastic. When I drove by last night, I realized some things that Damien has taught me. 1. Don’t fall asleep around guys. 2. No matter how times you look at a penis, it doesn’t make you gay unless you get a boner. And 3. No matter how much people talk how they were going to take over the family business, there’s aways Myspace and Facebook to show you that Peter was working as a Shift Leader at Tilly's for the past 4 years. 10 year reunion? F that…

-Chocolate Thunder

Can't sleep? Blog....

I just got home....I'm tired, hungry, thirsty yet all I can think
about is "Does Chuck Norris really have another fist underneath his
beard?"...better blog to come soon
Sent from my iPhone

Completly forgot...

about the Stickers that make it look like someone shot your car and the ones with the baseballs or golf balls that "crashed" though...those are f-in retarded too...leave comments on other blog haha. Thank you Baby Sinclair for that reference because I forgot about those.

Stop putting crap on your cars...

I woke up this morning in a great mood. My alarm woke me up to the tune of “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac. You know, the one that’s like “Don’t, stop, thinking about tomorrow. Don’t, stop, it’s just one day aawwaayyy”. I take a nice warm refreshing shower and was finally able to use a bar of soap instead of the hand soap that I’ve been using for the past week because I’m too lazy to search the cabinets for the Costco size pack of 151 boxes of Dove soap my mom bought the week before. Then I get dressed and I’m lookin pretty snazzy for the job; even though my haircut looks like I want to listen to Melissa Etheridge and fight for my fellow females. Then the drive to work. The iPod is blasting some Sky Eats Airplane (Sick band check em out) on shuffle and I’m rocking out. Next thing I know, a red light slows my intense weaving in and out of cars and I’m behind this…then I get depressed. I’m sure almost all of you have run into these ridiculous car decals. The decals that say “RIP Ghost my fallen Homie, 1983-2004” Or the ones that really get you sad when they have “RIP Brooke. 2001-2005” on the back of their car followed by a little angel baby flying above it. Ok folks, I get it. I know you are sad for the lost and honestly, I feel for you. I get that you’re showing your respect for your loved one or your “homie” or gangsta, but seriously don’t bum me out in the process. When I see stuff like that, I seriously want to drive off the road and end it because I’m sure there’s a sad story about how your baby girl passed away or how that tagging on the freeway went awry for your friend. As I drove off, I started noticing other decals that are annoying. The Braham Bull on the gardening trucks. Actually, I’m surprised it’s not an alligator decal with the obsession of anything alligator with Hispanics. And anyone else noticing the abundance of Firefighting helmet stickers? It seems like every other effin Truck and every third car has this sticker. The only people that should actually have that sticker is the firefighter themselves, and maybe immediate family, maybe. That’s it. Not your friends, not your uncle, not your aunt, no one. So please people, before you put stickers on your car, for the love of God think about the person behind you. Do you really want them pissed off with the Baby On Board decal (which honestly makes me want to actually run into you even more because I wasn’t even trying to hit you in the first place) or do you really want to make them depressed and just end their life and possibly others? So please people, knock it off for the love of everything sacred.

Don't Cha Wish Your Boyfriend was Hot Like Me

Um…with this post, I don’t know if it’s going to be funny or not. It’s just me kind of getting things off my chest. And no, I don’t plan on talking about how much I hate Mexicans again. Anygay…I’ve been noticing a lot of people being bummed out or irritated by the opposite sex. Not because I talk with people and they tell me their sob story, but mainly in part of the “Status Update” on Myspace (…and yes I hate to say I’m back on). I honestly think that’s the worst thing you can do is have that update. You pretty much either cock-block your entire friends list when you say things like “So-and-So is…pissed off at all boys because they blow” or “So-and-So…is confused on how he got this rash” or seem like a sad emo kid and wanting the world to know. I think my buddy Sean said it best when he wrote “…is wondering why the fuck you care about his status”. Yes, that was a shout out to you Sean. He’s exactly right though, I honestly think it’s best if we don’t know what you’re feeling. Not because we don’t want to know, but because we’re honestly feeling the same way and we’re tired of it. We’ve all had our relationships and past loves drift away from us. It’s life. It’s kind of like having coke for the first time. When you sniff it and get high, sure it may be fun the first few times, but after a while it’s going to f you up. I’m not saying all relationships you have are going to tear you up inside like a rock of cocaine, but eventually you’ll find that placebo that does the same effects of 3 bags of white girls (slang for coke if you didn’t know. Thanks Urban Dictionary) but doesn’t tear you up on the inside. Like many of you, I came out of a long relationship. The relationship was great. I honestly have no regrets about anything except honestly the break up. She was my first everything, first love, first kiss, first girl I could actually fart around. What more can you ask for. Unfortunately some things came up and I honestly couldn’t handle it. I don’t think I was mature enough at the time. But, like some of you are going through right now, you tend to find more about yourself and learn to adapt, or try to, to the single life. I have been set up on dates before and you also find out what your friends think about you when they set you up on these “blind dates” or think you would be perfect with someone. Then when they ask you how the date went, you want to f-in punch them for even suggesting to be hooked up with someone you can’t stand or orders a shit load of food at lunch and your stuck with the bill. Regardless, we all go through the breakup and left with kind of picking up things. No need to post stuff on Myspace telling all of us how mad you are at an ex or why you don’t get guys/girls. Relationships end for a reason. Some will go back to what they were, some won’t and you’re just left with the good memories. We’re all going to die, so why spend 1/3 of it worrying about why someone doesn’t like you anymore or what you could do to win someone over. I’m Ricky Marquez, and I’ve been single for 9 months and I’m finally moving on…

xoxoXoXXoo

-Ricky

Watching Batman will get you Tazed...

Alright...I don't know what the hell was up with people last night. This whole Batman fiasco, a little outta control. I get an e-mail from my buddy Dave saying "Hey I scored tickets to Batman. Let's go." so I go along...we get to the line and this is what we see...Obviously we knew there would be a line. This chick was paiting the Jokers face on this guy while in line. It was pretty gay. Funny thing was, he wore a Batman shirt while dressed as the Joker. I don't get it. So we grab a beer, wait some more, crack some jokes, and they let us in about 11:15. As we are in the theater, it's a madhouse. Everyone is running and screaming like idiots. Then I have the bright idea to play Marco Polo. We do about 5 minutes of it and we yell out other things. I hear some guy say "It's too dark in here" and I yell out "That's what she said!" and we all laugh, oh do we laugh. Low and behold, two guys start to fight in the front of the theater, well argue. Everyone yells to knock it off but I yell punch him. Dave is laughing at me and some girl next to him is shocked with what's going on. I started yelling "FIGHT!" kinda like in Middle school. Next thing I know...you hear zapping come then the hall. It's hard to explain. Imagine plugging something into the outlet and you get that little electric shock and that "Zeeepppp" noise that comes with the shock, now times that by 20 and you have what I'm hearing. Next thing you know, the theater manager pops up with a tazer. Not just any old tazer, it looks like an effin cattle prod. The one the dude from No Country for Old Men had, it's wicked. Everyone screams more and she's yelling at them to knock it off or they're gonna get tazed. The row in front of us pretty much adopted Dave and I and we all start yelling shit. I didn't hear it yet so I kept yelling out "Don't TAZE ME BRO! DON'T TAZE ME!" and it gets even more insane. One of the guys yells at the managers face saying "I want my money back" and she says "Here's your money" and tazes this guy. Ladies and Gentleman, I finally witnessed someone getting tazed. Honestly, it is probably the FUNNIEST thing you'll ever see. You can only dream of situations like this. I'm praying to God someone got their camera phone out and puts it on YouTube. When you hear the shock and witness a 300+ pound guy go down, it's all you dream about. The dude dropped like Heath Ledger after he took those numerous amount of pills. It was insane. Afterwards the theater kinda quite down and the movie started. As the movie is about to start, the same manager who tazed some guy comes walking down the aisle, telling us to turn our cell phones and this dude in front of us yells at the guy next to him in front of her saying "She'll fuckin taze you dude she's legit". Then the movie starts. I can sit here and tell you how good the movie was, but there's a ton of other reviews out there. I just wanted to review my viewing of the greatest taze of all time. I think everyone should go out and buy a tazer and just start tazing everyone for no apparent reason.

HOLY CRAP! MEGAN FOX WANTS TO GET NAKED!!

So I was listening to KROQ and I heard Ralph doing his Showbiz Beat. The best news I've heard in my life. Megan Fox was reported in The Daily News or something like that saying she wants to do a movie naked like they did in the '30's. Sad news is, she said no movie studio would want to do it. So I decided to take it upon myself to write out a quick petition. It kind of blows, but my goal is to get as many signatures as I can and send it to the studios (yes, I have a lot of free time at my current job). Anygay, sign it if you want to see her naked. It's the American Dream. Please make it happen! If you don't sign it, your a terrorist. Hands down.

Update: I guess when you sign the petition, it asked for your address. If you don't feel comfortable with your address, just fake it ha. It doesn't show up in the petition anyways so no worries. It just says what state your from. So just lettin you know.

Petition powered by ThePetitionSite.com

Working Hard for the Money...

The good thing about my job is that I don't have to deal with retards...well kind of sort of. I work at a hospital, most know where but I'd rather not say. Anygay, I practically get to sit here and talk to a bunch of patients and hang out. It's pretty easy. A retard can do it. Like the Retarded Policeman. The thing is with my past jobs, you tend to deal with morons. I'm not talking about the kind of moron that stands in line at McDonalds for like 7 minutes then when he or she gets up to order, all of a sudden they have a panic attack. "Welcome to McDonalds how can I take your order?" "Oh it's my turn..um....wow...can I um...can I get the number 7?" "Would you like to Super Size that?" "What's Super Size?" "It makes your meal fucking garganuate". I'm talking about the Theme Park morons. Oh yes, I used to work at Raging Waters. For those who don't know, Raging Waters is a water park. Not just any water park, but THE water park in the world. That company thrived on being the best experiance out there, even if it meant having their employees deal with idiots all day long. I used to work as a "Rental Associate". I had to rent out lockers, rent out inner tubes, and I would occasionally run the basketball game in the very front of the parks entrance/exit. The best part had to be the inner tube rental. When you rent a tube, you had to put down a deposit of like $10 bucks so that way if you lost it or ripped it, you don't get it back. The only way to get it your deposit is to bring back a reciept that has your deposit number on it. So what's the obvious thing to do in order to ensure your reciept doesn't get lost or damage? Put it away in your bag or by your towel. Oh, but that's too easy. People would come back literrally for like 8 hours saying "I left my reciept in my pocket, it's all wet/ripped." Um, no doesn't work like that. Then cause people were hot thanks to the so cal sun, they would be even more upset that they don't get their $10 bucks back and demand to speak with a manager. And thank God our 18 year old manager who gets high in the middle of some of the rides at night was there to solve the problem. It's ridiculous. I just wished we had security that would take care of these people...kinda like this guy...

Olympics...don't believe the hype

So the 2008 Olympics are coming up and honestly, who cares. Some Russian is going to beat us at gymnastics, an Austrian is going to beat us at Greco Roman Wrestling, and we might get a shot at winning the gold in Basketball with our new “Dream Team”. Then again, its leader is a guy who sucked horribly at the NBA finals so who knows right? And yes, “I’m hatin”. When I found out Kobe really didn’t jump that pool with Party Boy and dunk, I was devastated. Did he really chest bump Wee-Man or was that fake too? Anygay, the only thing that the Olympics really bring out in anyone is the spirit of competition. Ah yes, the American Way. To try and be better than your fellow man at throwing a solid steel ball, or wrestling another man to the floor. I know some of those guys enjoy having a grown man squirm underneath them. It’s kinda gay to me but whatever. I think my brother and I are probably the most competitive people I know. We are constantly trying to out do each other with whatever it is, whether it be who can Wii Box better or make the biggest splash with a belly flop. We were pretty bad as kids. My brother introduced me to the “Penis Game”. It’s pretty much the most retarded game in the world. You basically try to see who can say “Penis” louder. We used to do it all the time when we were kids. We’d be at Toys R Us and my brother would look over and mouth “Penis”. I would be at the ball pit at McDonalds and I would dive in yelling “Peniss!!!” One day we were with my mom at church. For some reason, I had this weird feeling that someone was staring at me. You know that feeling. It’s uneasy. So I looked to my left and my brother had this look, like he was eye fucking me the word “Penis”. So during one of the chants of AAAAAAAAMEEEEEENNNNNN he yelled out PEEEEEEEEEENNNIIISSSS. I wasn’t having any of it. Not here, not now. I couldn’t let my winning streak end at the house of God. So when it was time to chant again, I kinda timed it wrong and belted out “Penis!” and it wasn’t like the quick little blurp, it echoed throughout the church. All you hear is “Penis is is is is isi s is issss”. Everyone turned around at me and just started staring; immediately excommunicating me from the church. My mom had this look of disgust and disowned me right then an there. So we go up and stand in line to get “the body of Christ”. Everyone knows that Catholic tradition of eating Rice Paper that is supposed to be Jesus. It’s my turn and I look at the Priest and he winks at me…then whispers “Penis” to me…and that’s how I lost my virginity…
Moral of the Story, don’t live up to the hype of all this “competitive” nature the Olympics is trying to do. You might end up sore and writing a blog about being rufied.

iPhone Crazy...

Apple released the "new" iPhone the other day, and obviously it sold out quick. I don't get why people wait in lines for hours on end for a phone. I have the iPhone and I really don't see the need to mob a store at 3am to get this phone. It doesn't even do half the stuff most if not all phones do now a days. Don't get me wrong, I love this phone. Every chance I get to show it off I do. I even blog from it. If I were to get mauled by a lion, I'd probably take a picture of it and e-mail to my friends while I'm about to die with the subject line being (Tell Dave, to fuck himself). Those would be my written last words. It's just funny to read articles online or in the paper that says "Girl was punched while waiting for iPhone". I think in Jersey some guy litterally took a bike, threw it at the Apple Store window, jumped in, drop kicked a display case with the iPhone all because the store sold out. People are getting nuts. It's like Christmas in July. I don't know what's a matter with people trying to go product crazy when something new or inventive comes out. That's like the Tickle Me Elmo and Furby craze. When those came out, people were swinging punches to get it. I think my mom came home with a black eye because she tried to get my sister a Furby. And where are those toys now? There's only so much of hearing Elmo go "HAHAHAHAHA WHAHAHAHAHA THAT TICKLES HAHAHAAHAH HAHAHAHAHA STOP IT HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAAHAH BIG BIRD RAPES ME HAHAHAHAHAH" it's annoying just to type that. Anygay, I think my brother waited in line and said F it and walked out. The only time I've ever waited hours to get/do something was when we were at the Price is Right for my birthday two years ago. We got there at 6 in the morning and stayed there all the way up til like 5. Best part, I actually got picked. I almost killed Bob Barker with my thunderous Hi-Five. I went in for the five and I saw fear in his eyes, so I had to pull back and I ended up doing the robot. It's all on tape. Google it. Anylame...time for lunch...

Plans for Today...

It's my Grandma's 75th birthday today. So to celebrate it, we're going to have a surprise party for her at my Aunts. See, this is where it automatically goes wrong. There's about a million people in my family, so to have my grandma walk in the house and all of us say "SURPRISE!!!!" at the top of our lungs, I'm pretty sure the decibals alone will probably kill her. Either that or the shear fact that we surprised her will cause her to have a heart attack. I'm kinda hesitant about it. As far as I'm aware, we are having a keg. I'm going to get my Grandma to do a keg stand. Once that happens, I'll put the picture on here. We've done it before so who knows, I know she's getting plastered today so that's my goal...

So I've been watching tv and doing laundry the entire morning. Alright, whose bright idea was to give Brooke Hogan (Hulk Hogan's overly tanned daughter) an effin show. Seriously? That has to be the most retarded thing ever. Her brother practically killed his best friend, her mom is like 50 and screwing a 19 year old, and her dad will literally rub lotion all over her ass and I'm pretty sure will go to third base with her, yet she still gets a show. See, only in America right. I just don't get it. Anyone can get famous now if you just do something ridiculous. Oh, a chick spit on another chick lets put her on another reality show and give her a ton of money. Oh, you're famous cause your dad owns a numerous amount of hotels and you had a sex video? Let's give you a Carls Jr commericial and give you money to come out and go to certain clubs. I just don't get it...By the end of this year, I'm going to get on some sort of game show or tv show. That's a guarenteed promise and it's going to happen...it's too easy

Angry E-Mail...

Um...I got the first ever angry e-mail sent to me for something I wrote about me being embarrassed by Mexican's...

"I just finished reading your blog about being embarrassed by being Hispanic. WTF is wrong with you. Why would you deny your own race like that? You damn well know not all hispanic women dress like they are 15 or whatever you said and you know that not all Hispanic men whistle at women. My dad doesn't pull that when he's with us and he's probably one of the most sincere men out there. I'm proud to be Hispanic and I think you should tell your mom or father or even your grandparents that you hate having brown skin. You are pathetic and should get a fucking life, maybe find a real job like all of us Hispanics and contribute to this society instead of trying to break your own race down. You are a huge idiot and I'm glad you don't live anywhere near me other wise you'd probably get the shit beat out of you for making comments like that. That sad thing is you live in California and there are a ton of Hispanics that would love to read what you wrote. I'm sure they would kick your ass with their "aligator belts" and give you a piece of their mind. You're retarded, this blog is retarded, and stop talking shit about Hispanics. Eat shit and die....

-Natalie "

Haha...so where do I respond. Well first off, you wrote in one of the last sentence's "That sad thing is..." um...where you trying to say "The sad thing is..."? I'm just trying to clarify that. Second, I did not at all say that I "hate having brown skin". Anyone who knows me, knows I'm probably one of the darkest hispanics out there. I'm practically black. So I hate having my black skin. Third, thanks for coming to my blog. I'm sure you'll come again and respond with another "retarded" e-mail to me about something else in the future. And yes, I do live in California and there are a ton of Hispanics here. This weekend, I actually plan to go get married to a Paisa I met at a rodeo in Los Angeles. Thank you Gay Marriage Act of 2008, I can finally wear my Alligator Tuxedo....

Staying Awake...

So I'm loungin in my bed watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother.
This show is by far the greatest show of all time. It sucks because
after I watch it after so many episodes, I end up talking like Neil
Patrick Harris's character. It's not a bad thing, it just sounds weird
coming out of a guy like me...

Anygay, it's so hot in this room. I'm sweating butter n grease. At
least I know for a fact how hot hell is gonna be like. And it doesn't help
when you're about to go skinny dipping and your dad comes out and says
"oh you had the same idea too?" and proceeds to drop his pants. Not
good, not good at all

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone

So...I think I'm a pushover...

As if anyone didn't know that about me already, I kinda tend to go the extra mile for anyone. That's just the kind of guy I am. I'm a people pleaser. Anyhoozle, so last night I'm out and walking around town. I went to get some ice cream and there's a homeless dude sitting outside asking for change and this and that. He looked at me with his stained turquoise wool sweater and he put up his sign and flashed me a winning 5 tooth 1 silver tooth smile. It was beautiful. And I said "Hey buddy when I get out, I'll give you my change alright?" He smiled at me and said, and I kid you not this really happened, "Hey how bout you get me a coffee." I look at him like if he was kidding and I was like "That's all you want? Coffee?" and he's like "Yeah, just a coffee brotha. Small with Four Creams..." "Oh and don't forget the little straw" I look at him with this perplexed look as if I was on some camera show. "Wait, so you mean to tell me you want a small coffee with four creams?" "Yeah, and don't forget the suga packets. I gots to have me some suga" I didn't know what to say. It really didn't hit me. Usually, the homeless will just take whatever. This guy was placing an order. So what do i do? I get my ice cream and I give him the coffee. I give the coffee and the cream to him and he goes "Yo where's my little straw?" "Oh this one right here!" and I had smoke come out of my hands and a straw appeared. That wouldn've been awesome. I just don't get it, I don't know why bums are demanding things now. I still gotta find out what happened to my wallet after I gave him his coffee....

God Bless America, and no one else...

This is why I'm proud to be an American...So Friday July 4th just passed and it was a special day for America. It was our Independence Day. Yes, a few things sparked us getting our independence but thank god for it because if not, we'd probably be a war-torn country or be British and all have bad teeth. I think the only bad thing that we came out of from our independence is not having a British Accent. I want one so bad. So screw the Fathers of our country for messing that one up. Anyhizzle, This dude (Joey Chestnut) beat the Japanese monster Takeru Kobayashi in the Nathans Hot Dog eaten contest. So F off Japan, we are keeping out 1st place medal in eating hot dogs. Stick with the technology, modern fashion, and Japanese Game Shows and leave us with our eating. That's what America was built for. To eat whatever we want. I just noticed the chick in the background. Look at how big that mouth is. You can probably fit like 20 weiners in there. I'm pretty sure you can fit two fists in there. Check out the guy behind Joey...it looks like he just smelled the hot dogs coming out of him. Anyways, this is why I'm proud to be an American. Whenever we beat another country at a retarded spectacle like a hot dog eating contest, or a strong man competition, or anything. This sparked something in me. I'm going to a Dodger game this Thursday (I hate the Dodgers...with all my heart I seriously hate them with a passion) but I plan on eating at least one dodger dog per inning. My goal is to eat 10. I don't know what the record is for most dodger dogs eaten at a game, but I'm going to make it happen. Joey Chestnut is my hero, and I'm going for the gold.

Just Maxin' n Relaxin'

I swear to God, the spa has to be the greatest invention aside from
internet, and I'll get to that later. So it's been a pretty stressful
day. I woke up with a hang over, which lasted only an hour cause I
made me the greatest hang over breakfast ever, I had a sore neck from
my retardedly hard pillows, and some other stuff went down. So all day
I'm trying to kinda collect myself. So I pop in a porn n just go to
town. I wake up like 20 minutes later with an overwhelming feeling to
eat pizza. Problem is, I'm lazy n I dont want to drive nor call cause
the phone is one minute of me frailing about like a beached whale on
my couch. Then like an angel decending from heaven, a pizza hut
commercial appears like a message from God himself. "Now order from
your computer or text message from you mobile phone!!!!!" then bam it
showed an iPhone. I look to my left...I have an iPhone. This is fate.
I text "Meat Lovers Pizza Medium with order of Wings"... about 1 hour
later I get a call from my Aunt Patty saying "It's going to take me 6
hours to bring you pizza since I'm up in Sacramento" I mistakingly put
Pizza Hut in my contacts and dialed her instead. So I just open the
laptop and order online. About 20 minutes go by and my pizza is here.
God, it was delicious. Then the spa...I'm in it right now as I write
this. All I need is two smoking hot chicks to cool me down with a palm
leaf and feed me grapes. That would make it perfect. And maybe a happy
ending, but I'm getting carried away. Anygay, pretty tame night.

-Ricky

Sent from my iPhone